I think my fiance is falling for someone else..

[manang02]

Hi sisses!

My bf and I just got engaged and to be married next year.
All is well between our relationship, not until 2 days ago.
We're on a trip for our anniversary and during some time I noticed something different from him. Most of the times, I caught him texting and everytime I looked at him he would stop and hide his phone.
I waited if he would tell me who it is, coz he usually does it, but to no avail.

Believe me, I really felt that he's hiding something that time.
So one night, i checked his phone. I am not actually used in doing it coz my fiance told me before that he hates it, but that time I really want to do it.

I checked first the Inbox, I found nothing. Then the Sentbox, I also found nothing.
But what I noticed was the sentbox only contains 3 messages, the most latest was the one he got from his mom sent around afternoon of that day, whereas, I saw him texting very often beyond that time. I continued the probing until I got to the screened messages folder and there I saw 2 messages, from his girl officemate whom I know he's very close with. The girl and I know each other, I actually know their closeness as I understand that my fiance is really has this friendly attitude towards women. But I did not mind it as I know that the girl is also engaged to be married.

And so with the messages, the first one that I've read was like a response. So they indeed exchanging messages. One thing made me curious was the girl addressed my fiance as "Bez", which is short for bestfriend, right??

The other message, which strucked me the most goes like this.. "Bez, uuwi ako sa Taytay after opis, birthday kasi ni Ate..Kamusta? Alam mo ang ganda ng sermon ni father sa mass kanina. Sabi nya, me reason si God kung bakit nya ina-allow na mangyari ang mga bawal at di dapat mangyari.." and so on, forget the other line.

And on the drafts folder of the phone, I saw lines of different songs such as If you're not the one by Daniel Bedingfield, I won't give up by Jason Mraz and Beautiful days by Kyla, etc.

Now, Am I just paranoid to think that my fiance is having an affair w/ this girl?
I know I have to ask him personally to know the truth but I don't know how. I'm also afraid that he will get mad at me after what I've done on his phone.
I really don't know what to do mga sis. Please help me.
I'm confused, sad, torn and heart-broken, yet, whenever I'm with my fiance, I need to look happy.

Sorry for the long read, just need to vent it all out.

[janix athena]

Sis, that's a red flag. Dapat hindi pinapalampas. I suspect totoo ang hinala mo. But I also want to emphasize, at this point na engaged na kayo, dapat practice na kayo ng open communication. Hindi pwede pakiramdaman lalo na pag married couples na kayo.

I can not imagine na matakot ako to confront my hubby kung may suspicion ako kasi sobrang takot sya sa galit ko eh. Hinding hindi nya ako sasabayan ng galit if I suspect him cheating kasi I admit, our relationship started out na mas mahal nya ako and takot sya na I'll have a reason to break up with him. Of course ngayon balanced na rin naman. But still, I can always check his phone. Kung sabihin nyang ayaw nya pandidilatan ko sya ng mata.

So let me ask you sis, secure ka ba na mahal ka talaga ng fiance mo or baka mas mahal mo sya kesa sa mahal ka nya. Kasi ikaw pa yung walking on eggshells. Confront him na. This early, habang hindi pa kayo nagbabayad ng reservation ng church, venue, bridal gown. Better to lay all of your cards down on the table.

[manang02]

^Sis janix athena, thanks for the response. 
With regards to the communication, we actually had a problem with it. Hindi kasi ako outspoken na tao. I usually prefer to hide my feelings. and i want to change it. I think this would be the proper time to practice it. Magaling kasi ang fiance ko na mag-turning tables, yung tipong ako pa ang lumalabas na mali sa huli kaya siguro i did not find it comfortable confronting him.

Dun sa feelings, secured naman ako sa kanya, wala naman ako naramdaman na kabawasan or kaibahan sa pakikitungo nya sakin. Kung di pa nga kami nag-out-of town just 2 days ago, di ako kukutuban eh..

And yun nga kinatatakot ko, paano kung totoo na meron sila affair. Gosh di ko alam ang gagawin ko.
Nakapag-down na kami sa ibang supplier for the wedding and he's leaving a month from now to work overseas.

[aquacharly]

Well, no other way but to meet this head-on.  The tricky thing is, if you quote the messages -- you lose Round 1 due to the technicality of not respecting his privacy.

Talk to him, choose your time and place astutely. Do it soon, while you are on vacation still & away from escape routes like office scheds, family & asungots.  Most important, mind your manner of speaking -- do not come across  as accusing.

Tell  him you have noticed he has been secretive and occupied lately.  Is there something he needs to tell you? Is there something he feels he has to keep from you?  Does he think you should go slow & resched your marriage plans?  The tenor of your approach shouldn't spin on upgrading his guilt, but on playing fair with you.

Sure, guilt will get you what you desire in the short-tem, you get him hitched to you.  But stoking his sense of fair play will get you a bigger shot at staying reasonably happy  in the  long-term.  Let him thresh out his doubts now, let him define his commitment now, let him test the strength of his love for you now.... Instead of dragging you through his uncertainties after marriage.  The thing is:  marriage is A Deal/Contract, it is not meant  to be a Life Sentence...so, your fiance MUST get to the contract signing table with no reservations, and a firm resolve to give his all to performing per contract terms & conditions.   Otherwise, you are likely to go through wear & tear beyond normal; you are likely to have more regrets; and likely to want a way out to break your contract.  .

The Truth will set you free, either way.

[Girltalker2]

If your fiance is falling for someone, ang tanong ko lang, is it too late for you to win him back? 

May couples retreat naman for engaged couples.  Baka puede nyo pa ma sort out yun through that?  Honestly, di ko rin alam pano ihandle yan, kasi mukhang magbestfriend sila (?!!?).  Parang labo naman ata yung kasal na kayo tapos magbestfriend parin sila? di ba dapat kayo 2 ang magbestfriend?

[manang02]

sis aquacharly and Girltalker2: salamat sa advise mga sis. I really appreciate it. Medyo nakakagaan na ng loob.

Re: not respecting his privacy, siguro I'll take it na lang if magalit sya sakin. All I want now is the truth from him.

Re: winning him back? I don't know sis coz I feel not doing it anymore if ever I found out that it's true.
I don't know if I could ever trust him again.
He will be working overseas a month from now, so we will be in a LDR.
Just now that we're in the same country, this thing happened, what more if we are a thousand miles apart..

I will talk to him tomorrow. Good luck to me!
 

[rianne_mallows]

what will i do? i dont know.. pero ang sigurado ko..  all hell will break loose. aba ngayon na kesa kapag tali na diba?

mahinahon naman akong tao pero nawawala pagkamahinahon ko kapag obvious na obvious naman na ginag@g0 ako.

kung babaliktarin naman niya with the oh-so-bulok-style na "invasion of privacy" barahin mo agad
pasensya kamo siya hindi ka tang@. mangg@g@g0 rin lang siya hidi niya pa ginalingan. ayan nahuli mo tuloy


kapag nagdahilan na kesyo friend.. hamunin mo.. samantalahin mo while he's on the defensive stance... ikaw i-text mo si girl with his cell kaharap siya para magkaalaman na
mag i love ka.. kapag nag i love you too edi malinaw pa sa sikat ng araw diba?

kung hindi naman edi tapos ang problema mo. hindi ka napapraning kakaisip

kapag ayaw pumayag oripahawak man lang ang cell.. alam na.. malinaw pa sa sikat ng araw

[janix athena]

^ ganito rin ang gagawin ko. Si sis aquacharly very mahinahon pa and finesse.

[manang02]

Haha.. Napangiti ako sa post mo sis rianne_mallows!
Not such a bad idea though.
I'll do it pag naging sobrang defensive sya.

Thanks talaga mga sisses for the advise.   
Good thing meron ganitong forum where we can share this sentiments.

[moonie]

If I were in your shoes, I'd wait until I find out more.  I'll check his phone again to check for messages between him and the girl that shows they are having an affair.  The ones you read aren't exactly convincing.  You can also check the phone log, if he was texting that same girl all the time.  For all you know, he may really be having an affair but with another girl and his officemate is just the girl he is confiding this secret to.

But if you really want some piece of mind, you can sit him down and talk about his suspicious behavior.  Ask him directly if there is something you should be worried about.  I would advise against telling him about your spying on his cellphone though.  That will surely just start an argument.

[manang02]

sis moonie, actually that was what I thought in the first place.
tipong i wait for the right evidence before I confront him.
But then I thought, unfair naman na parang ini-imbestigahan ko sya.
Feeling ko kasi alam din ni fiance na I am capable of checking his phone.
Kasi wala akong nakita na message from him and from the girl sa Inbox and Sent Items. Tipong binura nya?
Another major issue is yung pagiging mag "bestfriend" nila ni girl. Why he did not tell me that? And the girl, he just met her in 2010, and now they are bestfriends without me knowing it.
And sorry but I really don't believe on being "bestfriends" between a girl and a boy. I know one, if not both, will have the special feeling for the other.

[moonie]

^You may be right.  But it is still best to have all your bases covered.  Malaki ang mawawala sa yo so proceed with caution. 

Check the log of his cellphone and not just the messages.  Tingnan mo kung parating naguusap o nagtetext yung dalawa.

[manang02]

sis, I'm now confused whether to confront him or not. 
Kasi I think I have to find it out in a month time, before he leaves abroad.
Parang in doubt na kasi ako nun sa kanya kung di pa ma-settle while he's here.
But I did followed your advise to make friends with her. I just added her in FB.

And if I may share, ni-research ko bakit sa screened messages napupunta yung messages ni girl..feature pala yun ng phone, parang filter baga, na imbes sa inbox mapunta yung messages, sa screened messages folder sya babagsak.. ina-activate ito per number, so meaning ni-activate eto ni fiance. Yung call logs naman sine-search ko pa kung meron kasi parang wala sa phone eh..

[saskia]

Hi TS. I'm sorry to read your story. I hope malaman mo na yung real score ASAP. because if the truth will not kill you, the agony of waiting will. pero I guess tama din naman yung iba sisses dito to choose the right timing where in mas malakas ang kaso mo. anyways, good luck!

[gab54]

i smell something fishy, have u ever heard, "if u have nothing to hide, u hide nothing"
bakit niya kelangan itago ang fone? bakit kelangan sa folder napupunta ang text? bakit hindi noya sinabi na bestfriend niya si officemate?
re confrontation, i believe u need to gather more evidence. from experience, kahit guilty si hubby tatanggi yan. pero pag may ebidensiya ka, hindi na siya makakatanggi.
if i were u, i will talk to him w/o confronting him about what u found out. i will just ask him if there's anything wrong coz your intuition tells u something is wrong. if umamin, there u have it. if mag deny, just tell him u love him and if there's any problem u you should talk about it. then, start investigating...
1. do u have a friend in his work, someone who can spy for u and report any suspicious activity?
2. watch out for changes. in his routine/schedule, attitude, lambingan, spending, etc.
3. do u know his passwords? u might get more info if u can hack his email/fb, etc
4. research on a spyware. install one sa kanyang computer/laptop. malalaman mo kung ano ang mga activities, even mga messages niya through your own computer
5. continue to read his celfone messages if u can, watch out din baka he has other sim/celfone
6. if u have the budget, hire a private detective
when u gather enough evidence, then it's time to confront... ang tanong? if true that he loves someone else, will u fight to win him back or let him go?

[manang02]

sis gab54, here are my insights re: your suggestions.
1. yes, we have a lot of common friends in their office. I was a previous employee kasi of that company. But I'm not sure if they will report to me. Baka timbrehan pa nila si fiance.
2. these are quite difficult to pinpoint coz the sweetness and his time for me are still the same.. but i will do it as well baka meron ako makita. what i noticed though, is he became extra sweet and caring the day after I found out this. Kasi I became so matamlay that day kasi syempre hurt ako, and he asked me why I'm like that, I just told him I lacked sleep.
3. I was able to check his email and fb, good thing nahulaan ko ang password nya. Wala akong nakita sa emails but sa FB, natrace ko yung exchange of messages nila since dec2011-feb2012, just plain friendly messages, pero super kulitan at asaran sila. But yung pinaka-last na message ni fiance sa kanya is a youtube link of Jason Mraz's song, I won't give up on us. this was sent April2012.
4. will try to that..
5. will do also.
6. haha. i don't have the money.. hehe. last resort na lang ito.

I'm also thinking of doing this..
I will tell him that i feel different during our trip and if there is something wrong with him.
I will cite the instances like why he needs to bring his phone even if he is taking a shower.
If he said it's nothing, I will ask him if I can check his phone, right in front of him.
Then I will read outloud at his face what I will saw.
Yun lang baka binura na nya yung messages.

what do you think??

[manang02]

i don't know if this is right, but i also thought of telling him na kunwari tinatawag nya ng paulit ulit yung name ng girl while he's sleeping, saying he loves her. 

hay, i really want to confront him na kasi. 

[j a n i z]

Confront him hanggat maaga. Sana print screen mo yun sa fb messages. Dont give up on us na song says a lot. Goodluck.

[moonie]

Ano ba phone ni fiance mo?

[manang02]

^nokia 1200 sis..