Problems with in-laws. Need your opinions

[catstar]

Hi, I created a new account here in girltalk because I know my some of hubby's cousins sometimes visit here and I know that they know my girltalk handle.

I really did not want to post on forums about my problems with my in-laws kaso di ko na kaya.  I need to let it out and I want to hear other's opinions.

Here we go..

My problem is with my MIL, SIL and BIL. I did not get to know my dad-in-law kasi naghiwalay na ang parents ni hubby even before we met and they are not in good terms with each other.

My husband and his Ate are the breadwinners of their family. Housewife lang si MIL kaya at wala siyang source of income.  Yung bunso, nagloko sa buhay kaya until now nag-aaral pa din. Sagot ni hubby at ng ate niya ang schooling ng bunso.

My hubby's ate also has a family of her own na and they are living abroad but she has a kid who is left here at ang MIL ko ang nag-aalaga.  Monthly nagpapadala ng allowance at panggastos yung ate niya.

When we were already preparing for our wedding, medyo nagiging issue na namin ang pag handle ng finances.  Konting konti ang naitatabi ni hubby for his savings dahil sa gastos sa kasal at sa gastos sa house nila.

Hubby pays for all the bills sa bahay nila and he also pays half of the rent.  Hati sila ng ate niya.  His ate sends my MIL a monthly allowance na panggastos sa bahay (food, baon ng anak ng ate nya, etc).  Despite the big allowance that the Ate sends them, yung MIL ko hingi pa din ng hingi ng pera kay hubby.

I reminded my hubby (bf ko pa lang noon) na pag kinasal na kami, di na pwede yung ganun and that we should prioritize saving for our future family. Agree naman si hubby don.

Nung malapit na kasal namin, my in-laws are asking hubby kung mababawasan ba yung pera na binibigay niya sa kanila pag kinasal na kami.  Sabi niya syempre mababawasan ng konti.

Kaso, hindi ganon ang nangyari.

We are now married and si hubby pa din ang sagot sa lahat ng bills sa bahay, sa schooling ng BIL ko, sa rent ng bahay nila.  We do not live with them, thank God.  Kaso, malapit lang ang inuupahan nila sa amin. 

Ayaw na magdagdag ng padala ang Ate niya kaya no choice si hubby kundi sagutin pa din lahat ng gastos sa bahay nila kahit na hindi na siya dun nakatira.

Ang akin, sige go lang, si hubby na lang muna kasi nga wala namang work yung MIL ko at yung BIL ko nag-aaral pa.  Kaso ang nakakainis, aside sa gastos ni hubby sa mga bills at upa at schooling ng BIL ko, yung MIL ko grabe pa din humingi ng pera kay hubby.

Minsan ang dahilan niya para daw pambili ng pagkain kasi wala na sila pagkain. That is SO impossible!  Pinadadalhan sila ng allowance ng SIL ko at ang sabi ni hubby eh kung mag grocery ang MIL niya 6k-9k ang nagagastos!!!  Imagine?  6k-9k worth of groceries tapos walang pagkain??

Di ko alam ano ang binibili nila sa grocery na yon dahil kung 9k ang grocery nila tapos wala pa pang ulam don eh kalokohan yon!!!

Minsan pati panggastos dun sa anak ng SIL ko sa amin hinihingi. Minsan ang sinasabing dahilan eh pambili niya ng gamot or vitamins.

Parang nakaka-guilty na hindi bigyan kaso nakakainis din kasi pati ba naman yun, sa amin hihingin?  Meron naman sila allowance, kaso hindi nila ginagastos ng tama.  Minsan 1 week pa lang nakakalipas, ubos na allowance nila from my SIL eh monthly lang kung magpadala yun.  So ang nangyayari, lahat ng kulang nilang pera, kay hubby na kinukuha.

Si hubby minsan tinatanggihan silang bigyan kaso siyempre nanay niya yon, minsan hindi matiis.

Ang nakakainis lang, dahil sa kanila, hindi kami makapag-ipon ng maayos.  Minsan nakatabi na yung pera, magagalaw pa dahil humihingi ng pambili ng gamot.  Nakakatakot naman hindi bigyan mamaya eh lumala ang "sakit" non.

Yung sweldo ni hubby halos lahat dun sa mga in-laws ko napupunta.  We live with my mom and minsan mom ko ang ka-share ko sa gastos dito sa bahay.

Alam ko nahihiya si hubby minsan kaso minsan wala talaga siyang choice.  Sabi ko tiisin niya na wag lagi bigyan ng pera ang nanay niya para matuto magtipid.

Yung BIL ko isa pa yun.  Grabe sobrang maluho wala naman pera!  Ang laki laki ng baon na binibigay sa kanya ni hubby, pero wala naiipon.  Pag dating ng finals, kay hubby pa din kinukuha ang pambili ng project! Ang daming gusto pabili sa ate at kay hubby kesyo kailangan daw sa school, laptop at DSLR, required sa school??? 

Sabi ko nga pano yung sobrang kapos palad na student, di wala na talagang pag-asa makapag-aral kung ganyan ang requirements!

Na-istress ako sa kanila!  Ako hindi ako madamot na tao sa mga taong karapat-dapat bigyan.  Kaso ang nakikita ko sa kanila, mapagsamantala sila sa kabaitan ni hubby at masyado silang maluluho na hindi naman nila pera ginagastos nila.  Sana naiisip nila na ang hirap kumita ng pera at kami ni hubby sobra sa pagtitipid para makaipon samantalang sila walang control sa pag gastos.

Need your advice mga sis. 

[rianne_mallows]

alam mo naman sagot sa tanong sis hirap ka lang gawin kasi hindi ka sure kung ano stand ng hubby mo..hindi ka makamove kasi pamilya yun nga hubby mo.. so what to do? unahin mo hubbymo

you have to be united ni hubby mo and make a stand.. but how do you do that? mag heart to heart talk kayo ng hubby mo.. assure mo si hubby mo na hindi kayo nagiging madamot.. iba ang mabait sa tang@...  walang issue kung BASIC NEEDS.. pero sa LUHO ibang usapan na yan..

i suggest ganito set-up ninyo..
hubby's salary  = xxx amount
  - less half of the rent
  - less electricity/water
  - food.. alot mga 1500 lang.. kasi Ate send foodmoney din naman

thanks it.. kwentahin mo then the rest of your hubby's salary, i-allot mosa needs ninyo na fix..
again, food money, electricity, water..

kung may matitira pa din sa salary  .. kuha ka insurance na monthly payment or  quarterly.. basata yung tipong mapepressure siyang bayaran.. that way, wala na yung guilt feeling ng hubby mo kapag tumatanggi siya.. like what you said kasi, pamilya niya yun

ikaw naman.. since salary mo ay savings.. ikaw naman huwag ka bibigay .. baka konting galit, konting hingi abot ka naman agad.. since ikaw ang may hawak ng savings.. hawak mo ang future ng pamilyo mo.. big responsibility yes.. pero kailangan kayanin mo

tip  lang.. kapag nanghingi ng money.. simple say, naibayad na kasi sa ganito ganyan.. tapos.. no need to explain.. and be firm.. kailangan nila matuto din mabuhaysa sarili nila no

[mistiqshannen]

yun friend ko ganyan din. lahat naman ng kapatid sa hubby nya umaasa kahit nun nag asawa na e seaman yun lalake yun kita ata talaga nya half nun napupunta padin sa nanay tapos nanghihingi pa. parang half ng kita sa lalake ipon nya, tapos yun half nun ke asawa at nanay hehe.. so kada uwi ng asawa nakaabang ang angkan hehe..

yun balak nya magtime deposit kasi kahit sa kanya mismo nanghihingi na kapal na talaga ng muks hehe.. pag tumanggi sya magagalit so nag open ng time deposit lahat ng savings andun so pag nanghingi wala sila choice kundi accept na wala na maibigay kasi nasa time deposit o kaya yun nga nagbabalak andin sya kumuha ng bahay na obligado sila magbayad mag asawa para di nahihingi yun mga savings nila. sa investment dinala..

[quinone]

^mali ba intindi ko....? protecting them from burglars, thieves, etc.? if so, then seriously, just tell him to get a security guard for the house. for me moving/relocating your family for that reason alone is not worth the possible headaches and adjustments.

it will be safer for them kapag andoon kayo? talaga? am i missing something from your kwento?

[aquacharly]

Hi, girls! Help please. I don't know yet if okay kung titira kami with my sisters-inlaw na mga single naman pero working na. Kamamatay kasi ng inlaw ko kaya gusto ng hubby ko mag-move in for the reason of protecting them. Medyo hesitant ako kasi feeling ko di na bahay yun at mapapalayo ang anak ko sa school at sa current work namin. Sacrifice talaga gagawin [textspeak!] and not sure kung ano ang magiging set-up pag-nandun na kami.  Advise naman please sa may mga experience with the inlaws. TIA.

NO.    Do not agree.  If your hubby wants to protect them - sila lumipat near you.
Before you know it,  naka build in na their expenses sa budget nyo.  Dadami problema nyo.

Now you are the boss of your home -- tapos makipag power sharing ka?  Kahit nga Kapatid, at times ma hirap pakisamahan.   They are not toddlers -- time to suck it up and put on their big girl panties.

You ask about "experience" -  I did not live with any in- laws ever -- but a SIL  gave me the worst experience ever. Inggitera. She assumes everything I have is funded by her brother.  She likes to keep tabs of my trappings of wealth (haha) & criticize my choice & the expense thereof.   
  I am so happy I don't see her often. If this year goes by I don't see her: Gloria! Yes, Santa I have been a good girl. Hahaha

So, at all cost:  do not move to hell.  Stay separate.   

[Girltalker2]

I don't see the point of moving there to protect your SILs.  does that mean maraming magnanakaw sa area na yun?  If so, di malalagay pa kayo sa alanganin din, di lang ang SILs mo.

Bakit hindi mabenta yung house kung wala nang titira?  Then buy nalang a smaller place/condo for the 2 SILs with the money para at least mas "safe" talaga ang SILs mo. And tama, mas malapit sa place ninyo para once in a while mach-check nyo rin.

Ilan taon na mga SIL ninyo?  Do you think before you know it, eh magsisipag alisan din sila sa house na yun once they get married?  Or baka mag uwi pa sila ng hubby/in laws sa house na yun, baka maging buong barangay kayo na nasa isang bubong.

[rgbp14]

@ catstar, ramdam kita.... minsan nga pakiramdam ko ako pa nagmumukhang madamot e. Pero sila napakaluho parang laging fiesta. tapos pag ubos na pera nakanganga.

[aquacharly]

Oh my. TS , hope your sharing of your circumstances help other future brides reading posts like yours in this forum.

Dapat pala eh hindi lang kilatisin ang financial capacity at lifestyle ng prospective husband. Kelangan audit his Income Statement & Balance Sheet para ma examine his expenses & long-term obligations.
Masama kaya  akong tao if:  iiwas ako sa guy na breadwinner na of a grown family? Parang mas mabigat pa sa mortgage. Tapos, if I marry him, parang naging co-mortgagor  ako --- of an increasing,  never-ending mortgage.  Kasi, human nature-- mahirap bawasan ang naka sanayan ng inaabot/tinatanggap.   Susko. Oh well, but Love can be blind sabi.


CATSTAR:  andyan na yan eh.  Your husband is not going to give you the solution to your very valid complaint.
YOU have to find the solution to getting more funds to save for your future/dreams.
In short, YOU earn more. 
Be smart enough to keep such increased earnings out of your husband 's knowledge and reach.   Mga ganyang families na nakasandal & hindi nahihiya to ask, ask, ask,  ask, forever ask:  they will run after all your money.  There will always be an emergency, a need, a reason -- so long as may naririnig sila kumakalansing sa alkansya. 

[Girltalker2]

Masama kaya  akong tao if:  iiwas ako sa guy na breadwinner na of a grown family? Parang mas mabigat pa sa mortgage. Tapos, if I marry him, parang naging co-mortgagor  ako --- of an increasing,  never-ending mortgage.  Kasi, human nature-- mahirap bawasan ang naka sanayan ng inaabot/tinatanggap.   Susko. Oh well, but Love can be blind sabi.

sis, you're not masama hehe.

It's normal to be wise, and ensure that you are not being taken advantaged of any family or clan.  In the same way, it pays not to be a parasite (self sufficient) habang di ka rin syempre papayag na magkaron ng maraming parasite sa paligid mo.

[glamorosa_09]

@feminineappeal

Kung ako ang nasa position mo, mahihirapan ako, LOL! Para sa akin, valid yung reasons ninyong dalawa.

Baka your husband has this built-in protective instinct, which we women couldn't logically understand. Especially with their situation, wala nang parents, so baka he feels within himself the urge to stand up. Exert an effort to understand where he's coming from, though it sounds irrational to you, at tska baka meron pang ibang dahilan. Baka naman front nya lang yun. Since you said they're all working, baka sya gusto magkahati sa house expenses.

Then with your concern, syempre gets na gets ko yan. Ayaw ko rin makisama, mahirap. No need for me to explain.

Siguro suggestion ko, dig deeper kung ano talaga real reason, then try to emphatize with him and fully understand his situation. Be sure to make him know and feel that you understand his concern and his goal. Boost mo ego nya, hehe. Tell him you know he's being the protector (kung sakaling yun talaga). And then after you express all that, you then share your concerns, what might be the future problems, etc, etc.

Listen and understand him first, before he could listen and understand you. Pag nagkaintindihan kayo ng concerns ng isa't isa, there's a high probability that you will work on a win-win solution. Sa ganyang klase ng family decision, kayo dapat dalawa nagdedecide, lalo na kung meron namang mga options wherein both of you could meet your individual goals.

[imbisibol_]

tread lightly, TS.  do not  alienate your husband and make this into an issue of you against  him.  your husband sounds like he is a reasonable man.  make sure it remains in his head that you both are on the same side. 

when is  BIL going to graduate?  agree with your husband to put a timeline on supporting BIL.  do you have kids of your own?  agree with your husband as well that X amount of money goes to savings FIRST.  after your own household bills are paid, then what is left over can be given to MIL.  i think that's reasonable.  and the time deposit idea sounds very promising.