Madamot.

[enelym]

^can't agree more

[slovy]

While reading this, naaalala ko yung experience ng pinsan ko. as in same na same talaga sila dun sa anak sa pagkabinata ng hubby ni TS. parang kanyang storya nga lang binabasa ko. stepmom nya si TS. haha. ayaw din ng stepmom nya na makasama sya kaya ang ending muntikan talagang nagkahiwalay dad nya at stepmom nya.. kaya TS, para maiwasan ang problema may chance pa para magbago ang isip mo.

Kung ako tatanungin, oo madamot nga yan. sis TS frankly speaking, kahit pa sabihin mong ok naman sayong magsupport sa kid financially, hindi pa rin sapat yun sis. Hindi naman lahat ng bagay nadadaan sa pera eh, kahit sabihin mo pang ikaw at ang mga anak nyo dapat ang pinakaimportante, MALI sis.. maling-mali talaga.. bali baliktarin man ang mundo ANAK din sya ng hubby mo, may karapatan din ang batang yun sa asawa mo. at eto pa, bakit mo naman pinangungunahan ang mga bagay bagay? yung ugali ng bata? dyan ka nagkakaproblema eh. sa halip na puro negative, maging positive ka. ang maganda mong gawin turuan mo na lang mga anak mo na tanggapin nila kapatid nila sa labas, dapat tratuhin din nilang tunay na kapatid not just a half sibling o anak lang sa labas. ng sa gayon eh pagdating nung bata dyan sa inyo, handa na sila at hindi na manibago. hindi yung ikaw pa maging role model nila sa pagiging mean.

sa nakikita ko dito, nasa iyo ang problema sis britney. hindi yung bata, kung tutuusin as per kuento mo nga, that kid eh product ng hubby mo sa pagkabinata.. para sa akin, malaki habol nung bata sa asawa mo kahit pa sabihin mong hindi naman sila nagkakakilala at bago lang silang nagkita, tatay nya yun eh.. so why not give the kid and your husband a chance? right nila yun pareho at kung mahal mo talaga asawa mo, matatanggap mo yun no matter what! ilagay natin sis kung nagkataon, nagkakakilala yung mag-ama noon pa, tapos nagliligawan pa lang kayo ni hubby tapos ayaw ng bata na yun sayo, tapos sabi ni hubby mo magpapakasal kayo pero ayaw talaga ng bata, anong mararamdaman mo?

[muy003]

Pinaka gusto kong comment, oo, madamot ka, pero nasa lugar. Protect your famiy, but create that balance na may chance yung mag ama na magkakilala. Oati yung mga anak mo, sana makilala din nila yung kapatid nila.

Not to complicate your thoughts even more, pero, ive been through this, well my family has. Mas complicated yung sa amin, i can tell you that. Its been ten years nung inako ng family ko yung MGA illegitimate kids. Over ten years, until now, may issues pa din. Yung isa, iba talaga ugali. Yung isa, madaling makisama. Wala pa atang isang taon na 'okay' ang situation. The kids grew up in a way I wouldnt let my kids grow up.

Anyway, my take on this: likely that if the kid stays there with you guys, tas later on, malamang kasama na nya si mom nya. Is the mother mature about this? Di ko na nabasa pero, the kid's take on things, gusto nya ba dyan? Matagal pa naman, baka they can have a relationship kahit long distance. I suggest you try to get to know the kid sooner than later. Pkiramdaman mo na. Some kids are really brought up well, sana isa sya dun. Sana hindi bitter ang nanay nya na naturuan syang magtanim ng galit.

Its weird na yung nanay, without a partner, pinamimigay na yung anak nya. Ganun na ba kahirap buhay nya? Ewan lang. Kung ako kasi yun, i wouldnt let my kid go, id accept or even ask for the financial support. But as a mother, it would be hard to let my kid go, lalo nat kaming dalawa lang. So, sis, amuyin mo na ang ex ni hubby ha..

Hindi kita masisisi na nagdadamot ka. Kasi may pamilya kayo, again, protect your family. Hindi malabong magkagulo kayo, it happened samin. I hated my kuya for the illegitimate kids. So yung kids mo, bata pa sila, try to be positive for them. Try to help them accept the kuya.  Andyan na yan, the sooner you accept the sooner things will be better.

Britney, this may be hard, pero lawakan mo ng bongga yang pang unawa mo. Wag mo pangunahan ng negativity. Pray that things will go well. Marami pa pwedeng mangyari, prAy hard. Open yourself to the kid.

Kid ako ng kid, eh 3rd yr HS na pala, napaka complicated ng stage ng bata yan. Sana napagpaliwanagan sya ng maigi... Have a relationship with the child, yes,you too.. Subukan mo lang. This will make you and hubby closer. This is also a sign of your support kay hubby, subukan mo. Repulsive ang idea, for sure, pero kung kayanin mo, why not...

Just make sure that your family is open, only to your step child, not to his mother. To be civil with her is enough for her.

College years, sa dorm naman magstay yan di ba? Hayy..

Do your best to support your hubby, at least try to... Lalo nat nasa stage sya na gusto niya makilala yung bata... Through thick and thin di ba...

Haba, i hope i made some sense..

[Britney]

Slovy,

I don't teach my kids to be mean sa kapatid nila. Hindi ko sila tinuturuan kasi malalaman din yung ng husband ko at magagalit iyon siyempre sa akin. Lahat ng gusto ni husband na ibigay dun sa bata, hindi ako kumukontra.  Tinuturuan ko rin ang mga bata na alamin na may kapatid sila. Yung sitwasyon na sinasabi mo, totally magkaiba. I think, my husband will still choose me and then pagpapaliwanagan na lang niya yung sitwasyon sa bata.  I know, blood is thicker than water, pero I think husband will choose the person he loves and then, the kid will have to accept it.
The only reason na hindi ako pumapayag is because, we are in a foreign land. Kung may problema siya, hindi siya basta basta makakauwi sa nanay niya. She will have to deal with us. And we have to deal with her. Since malaki ang utang na loob ni hubby sa kanya, eh baka sundin na lang niya lahat ng gusto ng bata at amu amuin kahit yung bata ang mali. Iyan ang ayaw kong mangyari.

[aiden]

With the statement "Ang bait niya ha... walang worry at all" the way it was phrased, it seems to me it was sarcastic. Pinagdadamot mo ang asawa mo in general. I sense insecurity in you the way you talk about the kid and the mom. Hindi kaya that you are afraid that your husband will love his first son more than you and your kids? Tapos fear din na nagkakaroon ulit ng contact si first baby mama kay hubby mo? While you raise valid fears, they are fears without objective basis. Ibig sabihin wala kang basis na masama ugali ng bata. Puro what if lang. Self manufactured fear inside the mind.

If your hubby is serious about getting his kid, as a compromise, gumawa ng paraan din si hubby na magkakilala na kayo kahit FB, online etc. padala siya broadband stick to create constant connection sa bata. Whatever. Just to make you feel secure about your fear about the kid.

[lonelymiss28]

sa TS, just want to share you my story, because I have 2 step kids. and then I'll comment sa situation mo.

I met my husband and he has 2 kids from previous relationship, hiwalay na sya ng 5 yrs bago namatay asawa nya because of addiction. So there's a lot at stake. Eldest is 11 and youngest is 6. Eldest has depression because of what she has gone through and youngest naman is special (physical and mental) because of addicition (alcohol). But since i love my husband i accepted all of this. at first there's a lot of prob coming from the past...of course that is given....there's a lot of siraan about their mom even the kids nakakapag salita ng di maganda about their mom.

What did I do? I told them to put a stop on siraan and let's amke a positive vibes in our life. past is past, we can't do anything nor change anything. Let's pick learn up the good memories and forget about the bad ones. and I always told them that the prob is not their mom but the addiction adn that their mom loves them very much,,,never sila nakarinig sa akin ng kahit na anong negative about their mom...not even once. kung nakagawa sila ng di ko gusto, pinapagalitan ko sila and then later on I tell them kung bakit ko ginawa yun and always tell them I am after para sa maganda nilang future and want them to finish college and get a good job. I actually encourage my husband na pagtrabahuhin anak ko when she was only 13 and mag-ipon ng money at that age.

Outcome: I am the luckiest stepmom in the world (as in!). my daughter is now 20, taking up chem engineering and working in the summer. She has a saving of 25K in the bank. She pays for everything (tuition, clothes etc) during my bdays, christmas....she would give me her credit card and would tell me buy everything you want. my youngest unfortunately can't walk anymore but he can read and sings well he would have concert in school. 

My take on your situation:

Swerte ka dahil responsible ang asawa mo. kung ang worry mo ay ugali ng step son mo....as a mature person, gagawa ka ng paraan to make it work for you for him and and your kids. Do you think hindi nagwo-worry step son mo na titira sya sa ibang bansa na sabi mo nga di nya kilala. andyan anak mo, asawa mo, at ikaw tapos sya mag-isa lang....sa tingin mo hindi nya naiisip yun....sa inyong 2 mas nasa alanganin sya. Ke ano pa ugali nyang pupunta dyan, ikaw ang mas may control sa situation bilang mas nakatatanda at nakaranas na ng maraming experience sa buhay. At bilang isang ina, masakit na i-sacrifice mong pumunta ang anak mo kasama ng madrasta nya na "baka" hindi sya ituring ng tama.

you are always referring na nasa ibang bansa kayo....mas maganda nga na nasa ibang bansa kayo. dahil you can make a rule na yun lang ang masusunod, hidni tulad ng nasa pinas kayo na 2 weeks nasa inyo ang bata and 2 weeks na nasa mama nya then different rule. mas nakakalito yun. kaya everything is up to you to make this work. if you are genuinely after everyone's  future for the best, mas mamahalin ka ng step son mo. ayaw mo nun may isang batang magmamahal sa iyo kahit di mo kadugo. and someday ipagmamalaki ka nyang best step mom in the world.

[aiden]

^bakit ba walang like button ang forums? Like!

[Priceless]

Matanong ko lang, e ano naman kung nasa abroad kayo - worst case scenario, pauuwiin mo lang naman yung bata. Kung madali syang nakapunta dyan, bakit mahirap pauwiin? Spaceship ba ang sasakyan papunta dyan? Milyones ba ang presyo ng ticket?

Hindi pa man, pinapangunahan mo na ng negative na posibleng mangyari kung mapunta dyan ang bata. E ano kung di mo alam kung ano ang ugali nya? Bahay mo yan, ikaw ang nakakatanda, at syempre mas takot yan sa yo...lalo pa nagiisa lang sya. Ano ba ang posible nyang gawin sa iyo na ikinakatakot mo? Kasi ang mga anak mo parang hindi naman sila takot, at wala naman yata silang insecurities so far...baka nga if you continue to act the way you do, your children will get non-verbal cues from you and start acting negative towards their sibling even though verbally you tell them to be accepting.

Tama yung sabi ni lonelymiss - you are in control, you discipline her the way you discipline your kids - you make her follow the rules in your household otherwise there will be repercussions to it. And if she makes a mistake, punish her the way you would punish your children - no more, no less. Tell her that she needs to trust and respect you, but you need to trust and respect her as well. If at a certain point in time you tried everything and it still goes awry and your own family is put into real (not just "baka") risk or danger, then show her that you will protect your family at all costs.

The way you are acting right now, you are the one putting your own family in danger. You're building this wall already - dahil you're scared for what may not even happen. And you're also straining this relationship you have with hubby - you don't trust him enough to be fair, to act with integrity towards your kids and his kid.

[Britney]

OK...Bigyan ko na lang kayo ng konting background.
Nanay ng kid, sinasabi lagi kay hubby na huwag pagalitan ang bata kada report card day kasi baka daw magtampo. Pinapabura ng bata yung palakol na grade pag pinapadala yung report card kay hubby.  Hindi pa man siya andito, may mga pasagi na huwag pagalitan kasi baka daw magtampo or magrebelde.
Ano take ninyo?

[Priceless]

^Kahit sino namang bata, mahihiya na mabababa ang grades niya, lalo pa sa kakakilalang tatay...baka sabihang bobo or whatever. So syempre nasa husband mo na yun how he will handle and explain the situation to the mom and how he will react to the kid, kung pagpapagalit ba o just explaining to her na it won't do her any good if she doesn't try harder at school or falsifying records. Syempre protective din naman ang nanay kung nakikita nya na ang language at tone na ginagamit ng husband mo is improper, especially na kakakilala lang nila.

Kung mahinahon naman (and I hope na mahinahon, factual and rational) mag explain si husband mo, then wala kang dapat ipangamba.

[Britney]

^Priceless. Yun nga ang ibig kong sabihin. Pihadong nangangamba din yung nanay nung bata pag sa amin tinira yung bata, nasa ibang bansa pa. Sa amin ang responsibilidad at siyempre, magkakaroon ng rules. Paano kung iba ang pagpapalaki sa bata? Iba sa paraan ko, mahigpit ako sa grades eh. Then, yung sa side ng bata, bigay hilig ata kasi natatakot ngang magrebelde kasi nga walang tatay na nakalakihan.

[lonelymiss28]

^^it is natural for a mom to be protective of her kids. kahit ikaw din gagawin mo din sa anak mo yun di ba???

yung step kid mo ba ay babae or lalaki? saka if you don't mind anong country ka ba?

britney, the thing about life is  that it has it's own funny way of twisting things around. hindi habang buhay makikitira ang batang iyan sa inyo, and hindi mo rin alam kung bukas or makalawa malakas ka, at dumating ang araw na sa anak mo mangyari ang pinagdadaanan ng step kid mo? hwag mong sabihin na hindi mangyayari sa iyo 'yan....dahil hindii natin hawak ang buhay natin.

hindi ba mas maganda at masaya ang buhay na instead of complicating the situation, tayo ang maging solusyon. instead na magproblema ang asawa mo sa iyo, puntahan mo asawa mo, purihin mo sya sabihin mo sa kanya na your very proud of him at sya naging asawa mo, hindi tumatakbo sa responsibilidad sa anak at ang swerte ng mga anak mo at sya ang naging tatay nila, na kung kaya nya itong gawin sa step kid mo what more sa anak mo. pag ginawa mo yun....lalo kang mamahalin ng asawa mo at lalo ka nyang irerespeto at maiisip nya na di sya nagkamali na ikaw ang pinakasalan nya....ibang level ka na teh!

kung sakaling dumating na dyan step kid mo....ano ba naman yung magawa mo syang ngitian and make her feel welcome, hindi ka maghihirap dun. di ba ang sarap ng ganong buhay. hindi mo ba naisip na sa bawat oras na nagngingitngit ka sa batang iyon dahil pupunta dyan....sya naman nagdarasal na "sana  Lord magustuhan ako ni tita britney".

sa pagpunta nya dyan hindi mo obligasyon na ituring syang anak, pero ituring mo syang kapatid ng mga anak mo, dahil yun ang totoo. at pasalamat ka rin sya ang nasa katayuan na yan at hindi ang mga anak mo.

Alam mo britney, sa pagbabasa ko ng post mo sa totoo lang binasa ko lang ay yung una at yung ilang last, dahil nalulungkot ako para sa batang yan. and actually pinagdasal ko sya na sana lumambot ang loob mo sa kanya at saka laging nasa tabi nya si Lord para ipagtanggol sya from you.

whatever happens sa household nyo in the future....always remember that is your choice, pero ang batang yan wala syang choice.

[theshopaholicprincess]

Can't help but comment...

pero honestly if ako yung nasa situation mo, I won't allow it. Sabihin nang madamot kung madamot pero right mo yun dahil kayo yung present family. Consideration na rin sa mga anak mo. I would have understand na from the very beginning eh kilala mo na yung kid, so ok lang. Eh kung 2 days lang nakasama ng asawa mo parang unfair naman sayo. Hindi na ako magpapaka-plastic pero hindi rin ba unfair na may anak na sa unang girl yung hubby mo then he will force you to follow his plans for the kid? Kung hindi mo gusto yung idea na i-sponsor ng asawa mo yung una nyang anak then take your stand. Pwede nyo naman kunin yung kid after college graduation. Siguro bakasyon or visits sa inyo, ok lang yan pero kung dyan titira, I am sure super conflict yan sa inyong lahat. Isa pa di naman nagkukulang sa financial support asawa mo. Isipin mo rin may mga anak kayo, ano yung guarantee or assurance na walang selosan factor or away factor once the kid joins your household? Aminin natin magkakaroon ng event or scenario na possible na in favor yung asawa mo sa una nyang anak compared to his kids with you.

I find it fishy lang kasi na all throughout the kid's life hindi sya pinakita nung mom nya kung kelan andyan kayo sa abroad biglang pumayag... For them its an opportunity they couldn't miss.

IMO ko yan ha.

[aiden]

^are you saying that this "opportunity" should not be available to the 1st kid? In the first place, that's why the husband offered in the first place,dahil  better opportunity ang anak niya with him than in the Philippines.

[whinx]

For me, same treatment and opportunities should be given sa lahat ng anak regardless kung legitimate or out of wedlock. Yung out of wedlock kasi dapat nasabi na sa atin ng hubby natin yun before pa tayo ngpakasal sa kanila so that we can accept the fact na merong anak (ibang usapan pag hindi mo alam). And if we decided na mgpakasal kay hubby kahit ganun yung situation I assume na nconsider na in the future dadating yung time na hubby might request na isama yung anak sa inyo.

I agree na it's a big challenge and effort on your part na patirahin sa house nyo with your kids yung anak ni hubby mo sa pgkabinata but why not give it a try? Wala ka ba sis tiwala sa hubby mo na he'll still love your kids kahit nandun na yung 1st kid? If ayaw mo talaga sis, you have to give options to hubby or suggestion on what to do para maging fair sya sa lahat ng anak nya.

[Britney]

^Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman sinasabi na mawawala ang pagmamahal niya sa kids ko pag andito na yung isang bata. Pero ngayon pa lang, sunud sunuran si hubby sa lahat ng wish nung bata. Kung ayaw pakita yung card at huwag pagsabihan, sinusunod niya. Tingin ko kasi, magiging sunud sunuran si hubby sa lahat ng whim ng bata pag andito na siya. Problema yun. Hirap kaya pabalikin bigla ang bata sa Pinas, pihadong issue yun sa nanay niya. Wala namang makakasiguro na magiging maayos ang lahat...I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic. Walang perpektong tao kaya sigurado akong magkaka-issue.

[ysa.belle]

Hi sis Britney!

IMHO, your are being selfish but nasa lugar ka. Yes, he is the son of your husband. Nauna ang bata sayo and he is not a son out of an affair. He is part of your husband's past.  Sana nalang nga it just stayed that way di ba? Since your husband is feeling guilty, way niya para gumaan ang pakiramdam niya is to support the kid in any way he can. I find that “tama lang” since technically may obligation naman siya. And I know na tanggap mo naman na your husband is helping the kid. Proud naman ako sayo sa part na yun.

Walang masamang tumulong pero dapat may limitations di ba? For me, okay lang if he wants the child to study abroad pero pwede naman na makitira sa relative na ka-close or mag dorm.  The decision to let the child live with you and your family is supposed to be a mutual decision. Yes, that kid is his but it’s not yours. If that kid lives with you, mahihirapan kayong lahat.
Your stand of not agreeing with your husband's decision / suggestion on letting his other child stay with you in the future is right. Dapat mutual decision ang ganyan na bagay. Kase hindi lang naman siya ang makikisama sa bata eh, pati kayo. Maninimbangan ka kase pinakiki-intindi mo yung bata sa pamilya mo at yung pamilya mo sa bata.

Yes, anak niya yun pero ang titirhan ng bata is pamilya niyo, pamilya mo and even if mag-guilt trip ng todo todo ang husband mo, dapat unahin niya kayo. You and your kids. Kayo na ang priority niya. There is nothing wrong with helping the kid financially. Ibang usapan yung patirahin sa inyo lalo na overseas kayo. Pag ba nagkaproblem the kid can go home asap? No.

You are a mother and you have your own kid/s. Syempre you will protect the interest of your own. There will be conflict pag magkakasama kayo sa iisang house. Something small can be complicated kase hindi naman ikaw ang nagpalaki/magpapalaki sa bata, iba ang upbringing niya and ang upbringing ng kids mo. Hindi sa pagiging negative ha, pero hindi pwedeng hindi maka-issue. It's a big adjustment for your family saka sa bata. Pwedeng magkasundo sila and pwedeng hindi but are you willing to take that risk for your kid/s?

Maybe the kid can stay din sa abroad pero dapat nakadorm or nakatira sa kamag anak. I know mahirap sa part mo kase kahit paano, hindi lang financial ang ibibigay ng hubby mo sa bata pag kasama niyo na, pati time at baka maubusan pa siya ng time sa iyo & your kids kase I'm sure na babawi ito sa bata. Ang sagwa naman if your husband favors the other kid kesa sa mga kids mo because lang na "bumabawi" siya sa bata di ba? Unfair yun sa part ng (mga) anak mo.

Why not tell your husband what you feel. If kadamutan man tignan ang nararamdaman mo, you are feeling that because you are just protecting the interest of your family, your kids.

Sabi ng nanay mabait daw ang anak niya.
Any thoughts guys...

walang nanay na magsasabi sa ibang tao na panget/masama ugali ng anak niya. di ba, ibui-build up pa ng isang mommy ang anak.

[whinx]

^Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman sinasabi na mawawala ang pagmamahal niya sa kids ko pag andito na yung isang bata. Pero ngayon pa lang, sunud sunuran si hubby sa lahat ng wish nung bata. Kung ayaw pakita yung card at huwag pagsabihan, sinusunod niya. Tingin ko kasi, magiging sunud sunuran si hubby sa lahat ng whim ng bata pag andito na siya. Problema yun. Hirap kaya pabalikin bigla ang bata sa Pinas, pihadong issue yun sa nanay niya. Wala namang makakasiguro na magiging maayos ang lahat...I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic. Walang perpektong tao kaya sigurado akong magkaka-issue.

Did you discuss na ba with your hubby yung mga reasons mo why hesitant ka na papuntahin dyan yung 1st kid nya? ano sabi nya sayo sis?

[theshopaholicprincess]

^are you saying that this "opportunity" should not be available to the 1st kid? In the first place, that's why the husband offered in the first place,dahil  better opportunity ang anak niya with him than in the Philippines.

What I mean is not the opportunity to study but an opportunity for the kid to get his mom eventually. I know fair dapat on both sides pero napapaisip lang ako bakit noon na bata palang yung kid hindi na involve yung hubby ni sis britney at tinago pa sa kanya based on what I read from previous posts. If the relationship didn't work out before at kinaya naman nung mom na wala yung dad nung bata bakit all of the sudden ngayon lang nagpapabawi yung unang anak? I know right ng bata yun kasi nauna nga sya and hindi naman born out of an affair yung kid. Hindi ba pwede na dito paaralin ng college yung bata? Pwede naman kunin ng hubby ni sis britney yung anak nya once finished na ng college para dun mag work. At least medyo mature na yung bata. Sana lang din if kukunin nga ng hubby ni sis britney yung kid dapat consider din nya yung living conditions nila how it will affect his present family with his kid on the past.

[Msfi]

Why not invite the child dyan for a vacation, para malaman nyo lahat ano ang possible na maging set up in case matuloy nga mag-aral dyan yung anak nya.

At this point kasi sis Britney puro negative speculations ang naiisip mo.