Any good men around?

[Carte Blanche]

I have never been in a relationship. I’ve been out with guys but I wouldn’t label it as dating either. I’m at the brink of being 30 and yes, I’m getting tired and feeling old of this dating game even before it got even started.

Last night, I cried because of a guy. It wasn’t even a guy that I’m romantically linked with (trust me on this one). I cried because it just hit me that I have never met a good man in my life. It saddens me that despite of this fact, I don’t know why I kept on having this hopes of having a relationship with someone.

I grew up with my father, and even though he was and still is a great father, I wouldn’t say the same as what he is as a husband. My father cheated on my mother. They have a long distance relationship as my mother moved to the US for work when I was a kid. I remember my father bringing home the other girl to our house then but I was in denial so I led myself to believe that the girl was just his friend. It hurts me until now how he could do this to us especially to my mother.

My sister dated only 2 guys, both of them cheated on her. Now, my sister is married with the most obnoxious guy that I’ve met. He is not a good provider, he cusses like a sailor in front of his kids, very disrespectful, and I honestly can’t think of any good thing about him except that he seems loyal to my sister.

I’ve only “met” a couple of guys, but there’s one thing that they all have in common. They’re all liars. Take for example the last guy that I was seeing. He told me at first that he is single (so typical), next thing I know, he is dating someone and that he could not continue whatever it is that we have. And yet, every time we see each other, he would flirt and try to get into my pants. And I’m not the type to give in to this kind of advances, especially from a guy that is committed.

Now I understand these old maids that were always made fun of because they don’t have a man in their life. But who needs a man after realizing all of this? I may sound like a man-hater but the truth is, in my years of existence, I don’t know any good men around, and now, I don’t know if I’ll ever find one.

[luisacart]

I've been dating din for 2 years, sis! So far, puro palpak talaga.. gusto ko na din mag give up sometimes. Recently, the guy I was dating for 2-3 weeks had a gf pala. Buti na lang nabuking ko. g**o sya! Halos lahat ng mga lalaking na-iinvolve sakin puro *censored* din. Most of them are only after one thing: s*x. Pero alam ko may mga matitinong lalaki out there. I have three brothers kasi who are good men. So, I know not all men are jackasses. I would recommend one of my brothers to you but unfortunately even the youngest one (who is only 21) is already taken!

Don't give up, sis. If you need to take a break, then do so. But don't give up!

[Carte Blanche]

^Exactly, if there were any good men around, it’s either they are taken or taken for granted!lol Wag na natin isama yung mga bading!:) Lucky you, you have brothers who set good example in behalf of the rarity of good men kaya siguro positive din outlook mo. Iba kasi talaga when you know one. I don’t know but I’ve decided for now not to be involved with any guy.

Besides, I always attract the bad ones. I even have a married friend who would try to flirt with me when the wife isn’t around. Hindi naman din ako nagfee2ling pero iba kasi yung galaw niya around me on certain occasions na he’s not accompanied by his wife. I don’t think I’m giving off a slutty vibe as I never flirted back--ever.

Just wondering if there's anybody who feels the same way? Because you don’t know any genuinely happy couple, lalo na sa mga friends mo or people close to your age makes you think twice about being in a relationship? Ako kasi I have a mix of single, married with a flirting hub, married with a douche hub, married but living a single life friends, etc.   

[muahmuahmuah]

There are good men out there but sometimes women forget to see if  they are being the right woman who'll  attract them. Like attracts like. How ever mature your mom and sister were in  picking their mates, they chose your dad and brother-in-law specifically because of some level of attraction they have for each other. As you've established, both male figures, have qualities that do not agree with your standards. Most likely you won't end up marrying men of their calibre - since  mate choices don't get passed on genetically- but growing up with them (the whole family who's lived on that decision) have mostly likely influenced your typesets and choices hence you could be attracting men like them. Same as with the company you keep..."Show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are."

A lot also has to do with your perception and belief. What you train you mind to think is how the outcome will be.  So if  you see the world that there are no good men around, guess what and who you'll be seeing all over.

I've dated a good number of guys (equal opportunity dater) but i sift through those who I want to spend time with and discard those that won't bring value to the table -- thats what dating is anyway, and to the few who I have connected with dearly and have built deep relationships with, are in fact all good men who at most carry qualities that I seek. I believe God sends me the right people and I know I am surrounded with good people and in that part I don't have to worry--so all I have to think about is me. However, being the person that I am, I still need a lot of tweaking to do for me to seriously commit to someone and build a good and stable relationship with him.  So if and when it goes south I've always figured that the next will always be an upgrade--as it has always been.

[Carte Blanche]

^Thanks! I forgot to include that on my last post but I really am trying to become a better version of myself always in all aspects, set aside the thought that I “might” attract a few good men (won’t complain if I get one though), but I’m doing it for myself. As for the friends I hang out with, I don’t really limit myself to a certain group, particularly what seems to appear as “bad” on my last post (those people aren’t that bad and they’re somehow related to me anyway so I don’t really have a choice). Like those “single” friends that I mentioned, all of them are mature, working professionals as far as I know. Sorry for the thread title confusion, I’m not a cynic about their existence but for some unfortunate reason, I have never met any good men. And it seems like I’m the only one.

[muahmuahmuah]

^oh ummmm there's no confusion really. I perfectly see where you're coming from and getting at...nothing against your friends or family..i was just citing a point where your focus is on and, maybe,  why they haven't have not been showing up-- which probably was more unsolicited and inappropriate-rather than confused...but anyhow you do know yourself more than anyone and i'm sure there are others who are going through the same. goodluck and just enjoy the ride with the ones that you get to meet.

[ButHonestly]

The sad thing about the fairytales we grew up with when we were kids is how they've come to condition us eventhough we thought we've already outgrown them when we were 13.

By your threat title, If im not mistaken, you probably spent your adoslescent and early adult years thinking, there's JUST this ONE person whose smile is like the sunrise, whose impeccable hairstyle dances with the wind, has the bluest eyes that sparkle like wine, blah blah blah searching for you, and would just sweep you off your feet and all that crap when you fates have finally (or randomly?) met in one faithful Friday night in Republiq, Or some U-turn minor collision somehwere along EDSA (it's usually the girl's fault . And with this (probable) subconscious self-conditioning, you've come with a set of almost-flawless standards that looks more like a list of ingredients, rare herbs and all, for some gourmet dish you will eat alone on a saturday night while you watch Gossip Girl and drool over Chuck Bass. And it's not just with the standards you (indirectly) set, it's also with how you project yourself that determines which guys you attract, Or maybe it's just with that innate aura or appeal you exude that drives a certain cluster of men crazy for you. (From what i've read, youre still actually lucky for not attracting someone who wears Hawaiian shirts). Another variable is the circles where you find teh guys you see and/or date. Normally, we just people around the 2nd degree of our own circle. Say, if you're an executive, you only TEND to see, other executives from other companies. or friend's of your executive colleagues. Or something like that. And, then there's the Fitness First trainer for the second degree. What if the executive tries to see people from other circles? A complete stranger who works as a Radiologist, a bank teller, or a bum who just goes to CamSur almost every weekend to wakeboard. Im pretty sure you get the idea.

I guess, if one or two variables of the equation is changed, the results would be different.

Fairy tales actually suck for men too. It's subconsciously driven us to be that ONE charming Prince each girl wants to have. We try to be a close match, if not a perfect match, to that mythical entity. No girl really wants to end up with the palace guard who works a graveyard shift, the royal chef who only has 8 fingers left, Or even with the promiscuous palace jester. I'd like to say, you cannot really blame us if we strive to be that Prince of yours even with the flaws and complications that beset us. And all men TRY TO lie because of this. The only difference is that, the Bad Guys lie to get (just) into your pants. The Good Guys, well worse, they lie to get into your heart.

Goodluck maam.

[ShoesAndTravel]

Sis I know exaaactly what you mean. Its true. It makes me wonder too. I used to date bad boys. Not really bad but you know, has lots of friends, smokes and drinks, goes out with friends... But I dont know how but napagod lang ako bigla. Now I'm into good boys. So if he's cute naman, nice, smart and knows how to drink (i love to drink kasi).. Go na ako dun! I prefer mama's boys pa nga eh. So there. I dont know but tingin ko lang wala ako makukuha sa bad boy image. I USED TO THINK na okay yun.. but not anymore.... You'll meet your guy soon sis if tama yung hinahanap mong traits. goodluck

[Carte Blanche]

^oh ummmm there's no confusion really. I perfectly see where you're coming from and getting at...nothing against your friends or family..i was just citing a point where your focus is on and, maybe,  why they haven't have not been showing up-- which probably was more unsolicited and inappropriate-rather than confused...but anyhow you do know yourself more than anyone and i'm sure there are others who are going through the same. goodluck and just enjoy the ride with the ones that you get to meet.

No worries. I always try to see myself on a different angle, but yeah I hope you are right about mate choices not being passed genetically as I’m starting to believe that it’s highly possible to happen or I’m just running out of luck.


^^Thanks for your input, sir. I wouldn’t deny that I did have one of those fairytale-moments but I believe that I’ve outgrown them. I’m more into mutual attraction, then comes the standards (which btw can be compromised, I’m not that picky).


^Sis I’m into good guys, but that is my problem as I haven’t met one, ever.

[ButHonestly]

^^Thanks for your input, sir. I wouldn’t deny that I did have one of those fairytale-moments but I believe that I’ve outgrown them. I’m more into mutual attraction, then comes the standards (which btw can be compromised, I’m not that picky).

I don't wanna sound like Mr. All Knowing but the fact that you're waiting and/or searching for Mr Right, instead of just settling for MR Right Now suggest that such fairytale moments have been embedded deep inside of you more than you know.

I honestly don't get the "im more into mutual attraction part", and it sounds interesting. I dont wanna misinterpret what you mean by it, so if you could enlighten me about it, perhaps i'd be able to learn from it as well?

What normally are your standards, maam? No, Im not trying to apply. Im watched.  I just would like to know what a smart girl's compromise-able standards are like.

[craziestqueenever]

Yes! There is still a good men around here. Yun nga lang not meant for me. How I wish he is really the one.

[geminitalks]

Now I understand these old maids that were always made fun of because they don’t have a man in their life. But who needs a man after realizing all of this? I may sound like a man-hater but the truth is, in my years of existence, I don’t know any good men around, and now, I don’t know if I’ll ever find one.

Me too sis...I have aunts who are old maids too & made fun at & I just understand now that maybe they too didn't found the right good man they've been looking for and thus opted to remain single. And I'm about to join the boat i guess....

.....I can feel your position since i've been there, can't seem to find that right guy the right time...my  20's i keep on attracting the wrong kind...its' either not my type or attached....and eversince my stance has been "i don't want to have a BF just for the heck of it...i also don't like also to make a guy paasa, kept him hoping para lang may makita ang iba na i have a suitor? that kind of mentality sucks in my book.

...... each day i believe i find the right one even if i takes long and i thought i found him in my early 30's, a divorcee and it doesn't matter coz i thought we hit off, same interest...we can talk on just about anything but came the big BUT! He turned out to a player , insensitive & callous and I'm just glad i didn't put all my emotions into the relationship and i got out unscathed...

.....i don't know if ever i'll believe again maybe there's only a few good men around and they're all taken.

.....And my life's path is going solo so be it! Happiness is a state of mind whatever our status may end up!

....Cheer up! Its not the end of life...Take charge and be happy with what you have,there's many who needs your love.....our love & time!!!

[Carte Blanche]

I don't wanna sound like Mr. All Knowing but the fact that you're waiting and/or searching for Mr Right, instead of just settling for MR Right Now suggest that such fairytale moments have been embedded deep inside of you more than you know.

I honestly don't get the "im more into mutual attraction part", and it sounds interesting. I dont wanna misinterpret what you mean by it, so if you could enlighten me about it, perhaps i'd be able to learn from it as well?

What normally are your standards, maam? No, Im not trying to apply. Im watched.  I just would like to know what a smart girl's compromise-able standards are like.

I won’t linger around unless a guy shows interest, and by that, I don’t mean just by assuming that the guy likes me. He has to let me know upfront, but then of course that’s when the mutual attraction part comes in. I have to like him too. Everything else in my standards are compromise-able: stable (financially and emotionally), no kids, etc.

^^I have the same feeling.

^Yes sis I am enjoying my life. I do appreciate the perks of being single. There are times lang talaga na I would be reminded by other couples how it would be nice to share all the happiness with someone.

[muahmuahmuah]

^of course its not, don't let that part get into your head...sorry for putting that in there. but take it one day at a time lang with good and positive thoughts. sometimes we just need to go through stuff that will make us appreciate better the things we've been missing out on. so part of it is to remember the times you felt you had that need to be with someone,  so when he's finally there be reminded of that moment. i think that would help during the times when and you are in a relationship and  forget the times you were alone. i know you get what i mean.

I agree with you in finding someone you are mutually attracted to...we may or may not have the same theories or  views about it but for me, I grew up being told to be with someone who will love you more than you love yourself.  so its become a challenge when someone does show interest but who  doesn't fall into any of the (negotiable and non-negotiable) standards you have set that won't compromise your respect for your man ..it's not just the looks (tho ok mahirap romansahin ang taong hindi mo type--kaya sometimes effort plays a part)...i think this line from Californication says it perfectly ...a woman instantly knows if she wants to f*ck the guy, kill or marry...

if you're open to online dating just to get the groove of the possibilities try that and just enjoy the prospects to atleast ease you from being discouraged.

[ButHonestly]

I won’t linger around unless a guy shows interest, and by that, I don’t mean just by assuming that the guy likes me. He has to let me know upfront, but then of course that’s when the mutual attraction part comes in. I have to like him too. Everything else in my standards are compromise-able: stable (financially and emotionally), no kids, etc.

So basically without any complication. Hmn, Where's the fun in a perfect relationship if ever though? Im being rhetorical. But yeah, I get your point.

[Carte Blanche]

^^I like what you said, I hope I will get to that point.

Not totally shutting every men down, I'm actually seeing/talking to some. It's just I'm easily discouraged when I see red flags (being dishonest, shady etc). It's either I just feel like my time is being wasted or I'm just taking it as a sign that it's not meant to be. Maybe I really should try that online dating, you're the third person to suggest that actually.

^It only seems to appear that way, with how I said things, of course I expect relationships not to be smooth sailing. Not at all. But like what I said, if I see red flags, it just throws me off.

[mooncake and leaves]

ako naman baliktad. mas madami akong kilalang babae na malalakas ang topak. lol

i'm not sure that people or in this case, men, fall into just two categories: good or bad. i mean, you've mentioned it yourself-the strengths and weaknesses of your father and brother-in-law. unless they're some sort of homicidal, pot-dealing, dolphin-hating, shutter shades-wearing, justin bieber-fangirling rapists (lol jk), i think they're merely people who've made bad decisions and are still capable of change. whether or not the ones who love them would or should stick around to wait for that to happen is entirely another matter.

as for your coworkers, especially if they're in The Philippines, ang tawag ko sa mga yan, mga nahuli sa balita lol. or people who placed a bet too soon

as for the guys you've dated, here's what: just last month, there was an article about a study they've conducted about how this current generation of 20 somethings in the US are more frugal than their predecessors. basically, people who entered the workforce at the onslaught of the recession. so around our age bracket (three oh is hovering nearby for me as well hehe).

what they also found is that this generation isn't hitting or is putting off certain milestones that they ought to have accomplished by this age-getting promoted, moving out of their parents' homes, getting married, etc.  then there's the fact that most of us are babies of the baby boomers. products of divorces, of unconventional families. combining all these ideas and you're looking at a very confused and tortured lot. nyaha

to me, most of the people (not just guys) our age have trouble making commitments because the climate doesn't provide much incentive for it. why enter something that has an equal chance of failing?  we're also not completely convinced that we're fully-equipped financially and psychologically to take on relationships and marriage. add those to the array of men and women we can bed without going through the hassles of courtship and you lose all reason to stick to someone.

so, how to deal?

there's really nothing you can do except to keep dating. the wrong ones are necessary stumbling blocks in every person's dating history. keep hoping and wait, if you really want it. figure out what's really important to you in your search for the right person and use other people's experiences as a guide, a checklist for the stuff you want and don't want so you won't make the same mistakes. good things come to those who never give up.

[ButHonestly]

Blind item. Interesting. But kind of intrusive, if you ask me sir @dell.

You put it quite well, @mooncake and leaves. I learned something. I'd agree with you on given day on the how to deal part, but arent we ultimately be at the losing end if we keep engaging into and getting ourselves involved with these series of fleeting, well, investements?

@Carte Blanche nice blog.

[mooncake and leaves]

^ thanks. i think if you keep it casual and light, then you should be fine. dating should be treated as a process to get to know someone and see if you can actually establish a deeper connection with that person. of course, it can't be helped that sometimes, our feelings progress faster than the relationship does, in which case, all you can do is hope for the best.

a word to the wise: hold off on the physical part of it. while there are tales of  happily-ever-after relating to one night stands and bed buddies, you're probably better off thinking that it's just a myth.

to the TS: I actually know 3 single guys who are, in my opinion, good men. one of them is actively looking for a gf; the other 2 are playing it by ear nyaha. holler if you're interested.

[ButHonestly]

@Carte Blanche,
So I googled keywords "Carte Blanche. Philippines" and came across an unmaintained blog. So i kinda assumed it was/is your blog. Kind of. And "Carte Blanche" isnt really a common pen name. Or something. If that's not you, well, the girl with braces and bangs look really pretty though, and yeah, im sorry for being an assumptive douche.