^Tama sis. And yan din isa sa mga worries ko paglaki ni baby..
There is really never a good time to separate. I for one, like sis maiandra had a 10 yr marriage before I called it quits. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, hanggang ngayon inuuntog ko pa sarili ko bakit ako nag antay ng 10 years. Pero I think I did the best I could. I tried to salvage the marriage as much as I could. I was also not emotionally ready to separate. Kaya inabot ako ng 10 years.
Ngayon I am in a dilemma naman how to introduce my kids to my current BF. Yes I now have a BF after dating over a year. Separated nako for 5 years. But it only took me in the last 2 years to started dating again and opening my heart. At matanda nako since I wasted 10 years hoping my ex would turn around.
He had a mistress and until this day he is claiming na wala na sila, pero care ko ba. He also has kids take note with an S with the sl*t. Even the sl*t knows he is married sya pa ang matapang. When I learned about the second bastard, doon nako nag isip umalis. Kasi hindi ko na kaya.
10 long agonizing years was not easy. I was at a brink of my sanity. Close to suicidal and took my life once. I did not know what to do, it was suffocating. Torturing day in day out. Lonely nights spending alone, thinking where he is. He also had a string of flings, aside from having a regular mistress. The worst part, ayaw nya akong iwan. Which made it more harder for me. One moment ok na ako, then sisipot na naman sya, babait baitan, so ok na naman kami. Then mawawala, etc. He is in sales kasi kaya hindi ko ma control where he is.
Nahirapan din ako to move on because we were already a couple since High School. We were childhood sweethearts, and he is the only guy I have dated. Sya lang ang naging BF ko and my world was just him. Never socialized with other guys before. Pag may umaaligid, andyan sa lagi para bakuran ako. My friends used to say I had him wrapped around my little finger and how lucky I was to marry him. Little did I know that he had this philandering incling. When we were not yet married, he was very faithful. However, after marriage, kapag nag aaway kami, sinusumbat nya sakin na hirap na hirap daw sya when we were not yet married as lagi syang at my service, at now na married na sya and financially stable, sya naman daw ang magpapakasaya. Bwiset sya. Sinira nya ang buhay ko.
I lived my life how my parents wanted me, mag aral mabuti then raise a family. Hindi sa pinahirapan ko sya but I told him not to get married at 20yo because we have to be financially stable before getting married. Para sa kanya I made him wait. G*go pala sya, so after marriage, is it payback time? G*Go nya.
Anyway going back to kids, it is always easier to introduce your kids to your new love if they are younger. Pag over 10 years old na kasi (they are 12yo and 14yo na), medyo kelangan ako maging maingat and make sure of a lot of things are in place. First di ko matimpla if they are ready na. Kaya ngayon ito ginagawa ko, making sure. At nahihirapan ako, kasi maya't maya ang sulpot ng tatay nila. Mas mabuti sana kung nagdisappear nalang sya totally sa buhay namin mas wala pakong problema. Di nanga sya nagbibigay ng financial support, tapos nag c claim pa sya na tatay naman daw sya. Eh G*go nya, ang hirap sa kanya, lahat ng activities nya inuuna nya, tapos kung kelan lang sya mabakante, ora orada he wants to see the kids. Eh kung nasa out of the country kami, kung may field trip mga kids? Natural kako kelangan nya i-sched in advance. Especially we are not anymore at his mercy. I emphasized kelangan sya maglaan ng sapat na oras ang specified time if he wants to see them. Hindi kung "kelan lang sya available". Kasi dati when we were still together, pag wala ang ex ko sa house, we go on with our lives and I try to make our family as normal as possible. So we attend parties, go on activities with their cousins, etc. Kaso mo bigla bigla darating ang kumag, gusto nya lumabas, and we will drop everything. As in drop everything, cancel appointments just to accommodate him. Kasi demanding sya and ayoko na ng away kung bakit sya di nag advise in advance, etc. Minsan minsan lang sya magyaya for out of town trip kunwari, sisirain ko pa raw, kawawa daw mga bata. Things like that (mentally psychologically torturing me talaga). Anyway, nasanay ang ex ko na lagi kaming andyan naka tunganga waiting for him, para pag available na sya, ready kami. Pero ngayon na we are separated na, mukhang ginagawa na naman nya, but this time sa kids. sasabihin nya sige lalabas tayo, pero walang nangyayari kasi lagi syang busy. magp paint pa sya ng picture na sa december, mag outing sila, pero drawing lagi. it was March nung last sya nagpakita sa kanila, hanggang ngayon lagi nyang bukambibig dadaan sya, hindi naman.
So my dilemma right now really, how easy ba na putulin ko ang communication nila. Baka hindi ko na magawa kasi nga malalaki na ang mga anak ko. Tama ba gawin yun o hindi? Feeling ko hindi tama, pero kung pati mga anak ko pinagsisinungalingan nya at wala syang oras na ma dedicate for them at kung kelan lang sya available, hindi din naman fair di ba? Talagang walang hiya sya kasi.
The other dilemma I have is since lumalaki na kids ko, gusto ko din may father figure. Kaso how easy it is to introduce a new father figure kung iwalay ko sila sa kumag nilang ama? Baka isipin pa nila itong new father figure eh to replace their father, natural they will not be open to that.
Ang hirap. Sadyang masalimuot ang buhay. All my life I did good, wala akong nilokong tao. I always do things black and white. Hindi naman sa self-righteous, I always stayed out of trouble kasi hindi naman ako party person. Lagi akong nasa bahay lang helping my parents nung bata pako. I studied in one of the top schools din kasi I am an achiever somehow and do not want to let my parents down. Pero hanggang ngayon, hindi ko maubos isipin what I did to deserve to get married to an *censored*.
Ang hirap kasi sa mga babae, whoever you marry, sometimes define your destiny. So unfair.
