eldest child ginagawang breadwinner

[nettai]

Sis michipoo, parang co-maker yata labas mo nyan... Only that in paper, walang papel ang father mo sa pagbayad; you're the assumed primary borrower.

If your father's old, why not let your step-mom or step-brothers/sisters be a voluntary member instead? Buying a house isn't easy -- if they needed a house dapat 2 years ago pa nila pinagplanuhan yan, including the Pag-ibig membership. Nagmumukha tuloy na sudden decision yung pagbili nila ng bahay.

Lalabas kasi nyan na ikaw ang magiging escape route nila in case di sila makabayad and you'll have no choice but to pay if they do. Kahit na magkaroon kayo ng kasulatan na sya ang babayad ng loan + interest, sa yo nakapangalan ang loan eh. If mautak talaga sila (who knows?) they can just rent another house and you'll have another property I think you won't use except for rental income (considering the payments pa and the maintenance). Sobrang hassle din pag nagdecide ka na bitawan ang bahay. Sly di ba?

Just telling this to you so you won't make the same mistake that I did.

[DianeShishio]

Jumping into the convo. Only child with separated biological parents. Eldest amongst all half siblings.

This is an issue that I cannot just keep mum about. It's something that is highly infuriating and this culture of "leeching" should be stopped. Every parent who forces a child to become the breadwinner of the family, SHOULD NOT have become a parent in the first place. It is their responsibility to keep food on the table, feed and clothe the family and send the children through school.

The only valid excuses for this are: Senior citizen parents, parent/s that have acquired disabilities/illness and unexpected lay-offs/loss of livelihood. No other exemptions. Early retirement is absolute BS especially if it comes at the expense of a child's future. Forcing someone to take full care of your family financially puts their life on hold. Those few precious early-mid 20 years are crucial to building a (financial) war-chest for their future families. Kaya maraming breadwinners na matanda na kapag nag-aasawa or worse, tumatandang dalaga/binata na lang (even if it goes against their will).

Siguro hindi magiging sobrang violent ang reaction ko dito kung GRATEFUL ang mga parties na tinutulungan... but most of the time, it isn't the case. Although I have not experienced it, I can see my mom struggling with her family, middle child but the most successful of them all, hindi siya breadwinner pero siya yung maraming itinutulong sa mga kapatid niya na hindi nakatapos, madalas siya pa yung nagmumukhang masama. She is a non-confrontational mild-mannered woman. It sickens me how people can be so arrogant and rude to people who are helping them. 

The moment you start planning to have children, you should consider all the factors that come into play while raising them. "With my current salary, will I be able to provide all basic necessities? Will I be able to save up enough money to send them through college? How many kids can I afford to have?"

However, I do believe that every child that has been well provided for by their parents are "morally obliged" to help their parents out once they are earning, regardless if they are already married or with children. I, for one, plan to fully support my grandparents and my single aunt in the future because they are my primary providers. They have given me so much and have asked for nothing in return other than good grades and my well-being (my grandparents at least, my aunt wants me to take her to europe!  fair enough since she's been taking me on trips abroad. )

To every forced breadwinner on this thread, PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN. They deserve the life you've dreamt for them the moment you joyously squealed out of delight when your PT kit showed 2 pink lines.

Ang bonus pa rito, if you really have raised them well... they'll be willing to do MORE for you than you can ever imagine.

[xtine]

Good read:

http://definitelyfilipino.com/blog/2011/09/13/why-do-some-filipinos-assume-that-their-well-off-relatives-will-take-care-of-them/

[nettai]

@ sis DianeShishio:

Super agree ako sa yo. I have situations of two people that I know here:


1. Both parents were employees before they built a family but decided to have a business of their own when they got married. They still continued handling their own business even in their senior years.
- All children grew happy, nakatapos lahat ng pag-aaral with their dream courses. All of them still depend on their parents though (since all of them are employed, yung parents ang umaasikaso ng papers nila, or nagbabayad sa down ng bahay, etc), inunti-unti ng parents yung pagpapasa sa kanila ng financial responsibilities kaso masyadong nasanay ang children sa treatment ng parents nila.


2. Eldest brother forced to become a breadwinner, Mom was part of the military, Dad was an OFW-engineer. Mom retired early due to complications (due to diabetes) and Dad already retired due to age. Di sanay na bumaluktot sa maikling kumot ang parents kaya nangungutang na lang sa ibang tao.
- Eldest brother decided to have a child out of wedlock so youngest brother is forced to become a breadwinner. Youngest brother gets more sickly, experiences bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide though because of this magaling sya mag-budget.


May advantage din and disadvantage ang pagiging breadwinner nang maaga. The child is being forced to learn how to take care of himself and his family-to-be in an early stage ('ika nga, hard experience is the best teacher), however mas matimbang ang disadvantage kasi yung emotional and physical well-being ng child ang masasakripisyo dito.


@ sis xtine: Thanks for sharing. Nice read... We can relate.

[j.adore]

xtine, thank you for sharing! Swak na swak ang sarap sana ishare kaso may violent reactions for sure

[izabelle]

Good read:

http://definitelyfilipino.com/blog/2011/09/13/why-do-some-filipinos-assume-that-their-well-off-relatives-will-take-care-of-them/

This is so true.. Ang daming ganito Lalo na kapag may isang nakakaangat! Kailangan at responsibilidad mo na suportahan sila.. ultimo mga anak nila kailangan mo pakainin at pag aralin. kakapalan lang ng face

I also do not understand bakit ipapasan ang responsibility sa nakaka angat when in fact, kung ano man buhay na meron sila kagagawan nila yon.  Kung nakaka angat man ang isa pinag hirapan nya yon.

Personally, kami ng husband ko work very hard for our retirement and future ng anak namin. Pag aaralin namin sya hindi para pagdating ng araw e magwork sya for us, kundi para masuportahan nya sarili nya.. If she wants to give something to us then fine pero hindi namin sya foforce na she needs to pay us back..

after all, it us OUR responsibility na buhayin sya at bigyan ng magandang future..

This is a case to case basis.. but mas marami yung abusado e.

[agape]

How are the breadwinners doing?

For me, it's still the same situation. Pinapamana nila sa akin ay obligasyon at utang lang.
Anyways, I am thinking of going after the family's idle property. I hope you won't think me greedy. It's actually they who are greedy, reimbursing from me every expense they make and nothing is left for myself, and I still hear complaints and resentments instead of gratitude. My family wants me to finance our property because it's not yet in our names (from lolo/lola sa tuhod pa nga e). What I want to happen sana is secure my future kahit papaano. My sister, uncle and father are willing to waiver their rights to the said property, kahit 50% mapunta sa akin. My aunt, the one I 100% support, did not say yes. She only said I will be reimbused my actual expenses only. Wala pa itong kasiguraduhan kasi aayusin ko pa, which means, if the transfer is not successful nagtapo lang ako ng pera, ako lang lugi.
Gusto ko sana maayos habang single pa ako, and while I am able to work and earn an income for everybody else.

[j.adore]

I read an article from a foreigner Husband's point of view where the filipino family of the woman he married kept asking them for money for even the simplest things. They are not very rich plus they have kids too. When they had financial problems, inaway sila ng mga kamag anak kasi di na maka bigay ng pera. No moral support whatsoever as if Hindi sila kilala.

The lessons he shared was that dependents should not be given everything they ask. They should be taught to stand on their own.
Do not give in to emotional blackmail because you're also teaching them that what they're doing is OK.
When you give, don't expect too much for anything in return because filipino culture says that's OK.

At the start, yes there's no choice and yes they're your family. But if you've been doing the same thing for years and years kahit na pwede naman tumulong yung ibang family members or relatives, then that is already your choice.
The risk is you don't get enough for yourself or your future. But at the end of the day, it's still your choice.

There's a difference between being responsible/mabait and stupidity (when you see the abuse but you let them). If you're doing it because you love them, ask yourself of they love you too (as in Ikaw Hindi yung pera mo). If a person truly loves you, they'll want the best for you without any personal motive.

[Longhair]

^Sis Agape, I don't see anything wrong with your plans. And if I were you, think twice about fully supporting your Aunt. Sa reaction nya, I don't think she really cares about you.

Ang mother ko, gumagawa na naman ng eksena. Nagpunta sa aunt ko and nagpa text na nag insulin na daw sya, & kelangan na mag dialysis. Alam ko naman mga gimik nila para makakuha ng pera so sabi ko magpa physical exam na muna. So ngayon, I'm in a dilemma. I want her to be tested since I'm worried if what she's saying may be true. Pero nung pina check up, iba ibang pain naman yung sinasabi. Sobrang ingat na ako at baka panibagong lokohan na naman. I don't want to deal with them so yung brother ko lang inuutusan ko.

[babypink1109]

Mga sisses kong mababait kamusta na? hehe.

Graduate na yung bunso namin. Tapos na akong magpa-aral ng kapatid. hehe. Feeling ko, grumaduate din ako. hahahaha! Pero syempre since yung mother ko matanda na, may share parin ako sa bahay pero hindi na katulad nung dati na talagang 1k lang allowance ko every cut off kasi sakin lahat ng gastos.

Sa mga sisses ko na nagpapa aral ng kapatid, ok lang yan. Kung wala tayong choice, tiis tiis nalang. Worth it din naman pala pag nakatapos lahat. Hindi na masyadong mahirap ang life (financially speaking). Sa kaso namin, hindi umaasa yung mga kapatid ko sakin sa mga gastusin nila. (2 of my siblings already have their own families and they're both financially ok naman. thank god)

Hindi ko pa na-share dito pero na biyuda nanay ko ng 10 yrs old palang ako. panganay ako and 4 kaming magkakapatid. wala syang work, pero may tindahan kami and pension ng dadi na pinagkakasya  nya. hehe. so simula ng nag work ako, akin na talaga lahat. super daming beses ko nang umiyak kasi hirap na hirap ako pero finally, after 11 yrs. natapos din.

sa mga sisses na nag bigay ng advice nung mga time na feeling down na down ako, super thank you!

[chummychum]

congrats sis babypink11091! buti ka pa graduate na sa pagpapaaral. ako mga 5 years pa. 1st year college pa lang bunso namen. ang hirap maging breadwinner. almost 9 years na din na ako sumusupport lahat samen. before ako nag asawa pinagawa kopa bahay namen. nung me sarili na ko family. ako pa din lahat. last march nagbigay na ko ng 10k dahil kulang un pambayad sa school ng 2 brothers ko. come june ako na naman pala mamomroblema ng pang tuition nila. nanghiram na lang tuloy ako sa pinsan ko kasi nakakahiya na sa asawa ko. wala kasi work yung father and mother ko. ilang beses ko na sila binigyan ng puhunan pero wala pa din. yung pangalawa ko naman brother, hindi naman ganon kalaki ang kita. hay, buti na lang understanding si hubby kaso nagwoworry ako na baka mapuno na din sya one day.

[Longhair]

Kainggit kayo. Congrats sis! Wala naman kasing problema tumulong kung deserving [textspeak!] tinutulungan.

[theshopaholicprincess]

my husband is not the eldest in the family but the youngest pero he was the one who still supporting his parents. Nung time na nag aaral si hubby sya yung matyaga na gumawa ng way para makatapos ng college kasi his parents cannot afford him to send to college. Yung mga nauna nyang kapatid parang kinalimutan na may magulang sila (except my BIL in the province). Yung eldest nina hubby yung pinaka sakit sa ulo and the eldest bro and sis were sent to good schools during the time na may magandang work pa parents ni hubby pero nagpakasarap sa buhay kaya di mga naka graduate tapos may time pa manumbat ng parents... minsan wala naman sa eldest yung pagiging breadwinner, nasa decision ng tao yung pagtulong sa parents. In fairness naman sa in-laws ko hindi sila abusado sa hubby ko and they help us sa bahay or offer anything na makaka ease sa bahay which I appreciate naman. Naiinis lang kasi ako sa kuya at ate ni hubby na wala na pakialam sa magulang nila may gana pa manisi ng mga kinahinatnan nila sa buhay. Tapos maalala ka lang pag may kailangan... buti nalang marunong si hubby na i-limit kung sino ang dapat tulungan at hindi.

[goddessjem]

hi..saludo ako sa mga taong ganito..nag tyatyagang tumulong sa pamilya..Pero kung tutuusin, hindi niya obligasyon yun..Responsibilidad at obligasyon ng mga magulang na buhayin sa matinong paraan ang kanilang anak, pamilya..Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, kung hindi kaya, mag family planning din pra mabigyan ng mas maayos at maginhawang buhay ang anak..Lahat ng masisipag na breadwinner, at the end of the day, may mas magandang bukas din namang nag aantay sa inyo galing sa itaas..

[red_yesha]

Wow relate much talaga ako dito sa thread na ito. Once you're a breadwinner, it's hard na isingit pa yung kung [textspeak!]-ano pang kasosyalan o kalandian . hehe. Sabe nga sakin ng tatay ko, mag-asawa daw ako kapag 27 y/o na ako wag daw muna ngayon. Patapusin daw muna yung mga kapatid ko.
Nung umpisa nagse-self pity talaga ako as in, but I realized na wala talaga akong choice kundi magbigay. Wala naman kasing aasahan na kundi ako at tsaka matitiis ko ba sila? syempre Hindi super love ko sila e.
Pag masaya sila at busog ganun na din ang pakiramdam ko

[mybell1735]

Breadwinner Ate here   

Sobrang relate sa mga sister natin,mahirap i describe ang feeling kasi masarap na mahirap maging breadwinner,since I was 17 katuwang nako ng mother ko sa mga kapatid ko at sa bahay. At the age of 18 ako na lahat ang gumagastos sa amin,well promise ko yun sa sarili ko,di kasi kami mayaman maaga pa nawala ang father ko kaya kita ko lahat ng hirap ni madir..Kaya naman kako pag kaya ko na ayoko na mahirapan mother namin.Blessed naman at mababait mga kapatid ko napagtapos ko na sila and now Im 31 me sarili ng family diretso parin ang suporta ko sa kanila 20K per month padala ko maliban sa mga gift at box ng groceries pag december..

Mahirap kasi mahirap talaga sayo nakasandal pero masarap pag nakikita mong maayos ang pamumuhay nila,minsan kako tama na siguro yung tulong ko.Pero mahirap naman tiisin.Sobrang Thankful din ako at pinagkalooban ako ni God ng mabait na asawa naiintindihan nya kaya pag wala akong maipadala sya sumasalo 

[agape]

My brother is already mid-20's undergrad pa rin. Ayaw grumaduate, ayaw mag Aral. I pay his tuition, but what's the point of helping? Ayaw din magtrabaho Kasi do pa raw siya graduate. He has no responsibility even at home. He wants to be a policeman daw so he can have a weapon. He is afraid of real life and at the same time angry.

My sister is already 30, a graduate of psychology, wanted to be an HR practitioner but found a job as someone in-charge of Accounts Payable/Receivables for a few years, then less than a year as all-around HR/Payroll/Admin, natrauma yata. She is now discouraged, can't or don't want to find work because she is old na raw and maraming age limit dito Sa pilipinas. She has one kid.

don't know what to do with them. Sigh. They are not improving.

[Girltalker2]

Mahirap kasi mahirap talaga sayo nakasandal pero masarap pag nakikita mong maayos ang pamumuhay nila,minsan kako tama na siguro yung tulong ko.Pero mahirap naman tiisin.Sobrang Thankful din ako at pinagkalooban ako ni God ng mabait na asawa naiintindihan nya kaya pag wala akong maipadala sya sumasalo 

Hanga din naman kami sayo sis.  Pero mas bothered ako sa ganyang situation for them kasi paano sila matututo tumayo sa sariling paa kapag di mo na kaya sila sustentuhan?

[agape]

^Sis Agape, I don't see anything wrong with your plans. And if I were you, think twice about fully supporting your Aunt. Sa reaction nya, I don't think she really cares about you.

Parang now lang (this year) nga nag-si-sink-in sa akin na super selfish pala ng Aunt ko. Alam kong madamot siya, akala ko sa iba lang, pero ako pinagdadamutan din, after supporting her 100%. She expects to get her full inheritance and use it all up in her lifetime instead of leaving some for her nieces/nephews/grand children, wala kasi siyang anak. She was too selfish to take care of a child even her own.

[quinone]

She is now discouraged, can't or don't want to find work because she is old na raw and maraming age limit dito Sa pilipinas. She has one kid.

hindi ba dapat motivation enough na yung fact na kailangan niya supportahan ang needs ng anak niya? kahit walang career growth as long the job is stable and would give her long-term income.

sa ibang bansa nga, people work to support themselves. siguro subconsciously they think nandyan ka naman kasi, so hindi naman talaga sila magugutom.