eldest child ginagawang breadwinner

[gracita13]

im also the eldest and breadwinner dalawa lang naman kameng magkapatid.napagtapos ko ng accounting bro ko last april lang and just this week may job na sya and hopefully makapasa sya sa board exam para maging CPA.sarap sa pakiramdam na napagtapos ko na kapatid ko pwedeng pwede na ako magbaby hehe masarap na mahirap maging breadwinner may times na napapagod na ko magwork pangarap ko nga maging bum kahit 1month lang pero hindi pwede  minsan nakakatampo din eh hindi ko naman talaga responsibilidad yun eh pero i'll always look for the bright side kaya nga ako bini-bless ni God ng magandang work at salary kasi may purpose yun,aanhin ko ba ang malaking ipon kung fam ko naman eh hindi maayos ang pamumuhay at masarap sa pakiramdam kasi natutulungan ko kapatid ko na maabot mga pangarap nya 
but ofcourse imo may limit din ang pagtulong like me i just got married last May at syempre anytime soon magkakababy na kame need na namen pag ipunan yun at sabe ng bro ko sya na daw bahala sa bahay  im just so happy na nakikita ko na ang result ng pagsakripisyo kong hinde muna ako mag aasawa gat hindi pa tapos bro ko. 

[agape]

^lucky for you, kusang tumutulong ang kapatid.
sa case ko kasi, not one helps me, but i help all 3 of them, their studies, and their families.
ako yung eldest, pero i have no family, and i don't know if i will have pa.

this week na me bagyo, inaway ko lang naman si Tita, pero the argument was thru text lang,
so at least kahit hurtful words and true, wala naman sigawan nangyari.
i accused her of being selfish, and dishonest, when it comes to finances. napuno na kasi ako.

I let her have a BDO Credit Card for my convenience, so she can buy household groceries/meds
without my presence, so I can own my time, but then she abused it in just a few months.
She was able to max out her 30k credit limit. So I had to cut it, and pay off her debt.
I was paying my usual credit card bills plus her credit card bills, dumoble lang ang gastos ko.
She got mad for a while kasi paano na raw ang food and groceries, I said dati naman na syang
walang CC, so it will be just the way it was before. Kaso nasanay na kasi sya.

So when she had a chance, another bank offered her a CC metrobank, she grabbed it.
Di ko na sya napigilan, I just said, bahala na sya sa bills niya, I will NEVER pay for it.
So after a few months ayun ulit. Maxed out, so I let her suffer the consequences of collection
agencies harrassing her. Tinataguan niya ang calls. Sometimes she asks me money para
makahulog lang kahit konti.

Now the bank offered installment plan, her 36k will be payable
in 24months at 1910/month, totalling 46k, so thats almost at 10k interest.
I am actually tempted to pay off her debt just to avoid the interest, nakakhinayang kasi.

Aside from that, I just learned that she pawned grandmother's gold jewelries.
I don't know yet the total amount, but sometimes she asks me money to pay
the interest so she doesn't get penalized with a fine. SOBRA na talaga siya. Strike 3.

I almost forgot I gave her 600$US to open a bank account na dapat for safekeeping lang.
Naubos na pala niya. And she still has her SSS pension around 2k all to herself.
Soon, I might just hear that she mortgaged our house, ayoko sana umabot sa ganun.
And I don't know where she spends the money since I pay for all her medicines, food, bills.

[gracita13]

^awww sis baka naman na spoiled mu sila? imo lang ha dapat kahit kapamilya mu sila tinitiis mu din lalo na kung natutulungan mu naman tas sila nang aabuso naman.there's a chinese saying "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime"
nakakainis yung mga ganyan hindi naman na sila bata para hindi marunong dumiskarte sa buhay.tsss

[j.adore]

Sis agape, that is too much. Studies, ok. Families, no-no. Choice nila na magpamilya then sila dapat ang magpursige para sa mga pamilya nila.

Sino yung Tita? Relative mo na kapatid ng mom/dad?
When you said you'll never pay for her CC. You should stick to your guns no matter what. So what kung may interest? You're tempted to pay kasi nanghihinayang ka eh di gagawin lang niya ulit yan all over again.

You should not even be paying for the interest of your grandmother's jewelries na sinangla niya. Kanino ba yun pinamana?

May USD pa wow at may pension pa siya double wow! Medicines, food, bills... wa ko ma-say sis! No wonder wala ka pa family. Baka feeling nila ikaw ang personal ATM machine nila?

You should be scared about your house because I know someone na pag-uwi from abroad eh ganyan ang nangyari. Nangutang na lang siya kung saan saan para makuha ulit yung house and lot nila.

Sorry but you need to wake up. There's a difference between helping and being abused.

[agape]

^Tita is my Dad's older sister, parang tumayong INA ko na rin siya.
Dad and his siblings kasi lumaki sa yaman. But they went from riches to rags
Especially nung time na namatay na yung Grandfather ko due to cancer back in the 80's.
I am the eldest APO na. Yung youngest nila, my uncle, went abroad, at first he supports us,
but when I graduated he stopped sending us money, and that we should stand on our own.
So ang nangyari, as the eldest APO, after I graduated kargo ko na lahat.
My uncle is also single.

We had businesses before pero di naman sila marunong magpalakad ng business talaga.
Kaya bale wala lang din. And being in the business kasi, they are impatient to become
employees, and now lahat sila matanda na, mga senior na. Small lang SSS pension 2k++.
My other uncle, now lang natutong maging empleyado at age 50+ sa BPO/CC and buti
after like 3-4 companies this time e na-regular na rin siya.

Anyways, nahirapang me, masyado rin ako kasing mabait talaga. I am not used to getting
angry, unless very necessary, my Tita is mad at me now kasi ang dami kong SUMBAT
sa kanya. I don't want to give her a heart attack naman kasi, gastos ko rin yun.

[agape]

I need to push myself more to do #8 in this article.

http://www.luke173ministries.org/FAQAboutAbusiveNarcissisticAndPsychopathicRelatives

[agape]

do you ever see yourself economically being abused?

http://www.luke173ministries.org/466773

[babyboo.0326]

^gosh, sis. wala akong masabi sayo. you are so nice to them! pero yun nga, once you speak your mind and what you feel, sumbat na yun para sa kanila. it's as if you don't have the right na magalit at mag-say NO sa mga needs nila. that's how i am with  my family. i'm not the eldest apo but i'm the eldest sa siblings ko. kaya siguro ganun sila. nasanay sila nung nabubuhay pa dad namin na maayos ang buhay and they don't have to fend for themselves 

[lisse]

I am also the eldest pero I am not the breadwinner. back then pa naman talagang may pagka renegade ata ako eh haha! tapos kalkulado ko lagi mga desisyon ko, not that all of them ay fool proof or tama. madami din sablay. pero I am glad that I never let my parents "use" me.
like when I finally landed my first formal job, (I remember 8K lang non salary ko) ang gusto ni mommy katulad ng isang sis natin dito ang diskarte: entrega sa kanya buong sweldo, then everyday bibigyan na lang niya ko ng allowance. ansaya! eh nung college ako ganon na style niya pumayag na nga ako eh. since it's her money naman and ako ay isang dakilang broke na college student. this time, it's my money eh. katwiran pa niya, yung anak daw ng kapitbahay namin mas maliit pa sweldo sakin pero bigay daw lahat sa nanay. naku lahat na ata ng masasakit na salita narining ko. every 15th and 30th nagbibigay ako ng 500-1k depende talaga. ang sakin kunin niya o hindi yun lang mabibigay ko. minsan malaki tax eh, so take home if not 3500 3k lang or mamalasin nasa 2800 lang. minsan ako naman sumasagot ng ibang bills namin pero hindi yun consistent. nag open ako ng sariling bank account non, then nag apply ng CC. from then on lahat ng groceries and utilities na pwede i-charge sa CC ganon ginagawa ko and stick to 500 na lang bigay ko kay mommy. hindi pa siya nasiyahan non. when i turned 25, i told her I will move out hala I was accused of makikipag-live-in lang daw ako siguro, etc etc. Narindi ako. so i applied for work abroad and swerteng natanggap. since then, i never lived again in our house talagang magre-renta ako. keber sa expenses. until mag asawa na ako, sinanay ko sila na I will give when i have extra sa sweldo ko. ending niya, my mom still works and 5 years na lang pwede na siya magretire sa pagtuturo and enjoy her pension. my bro is an engineer na tinulungan namin ni hubby makapasok sa work niya sa Australia. Yung sumunod na sis ko RN na now and siya naman tinutulungan namin na makahanap ng work dito sa US. then yung younger bro and sis namin nasa HS palang paaral nina mommy at daddy pero every now and then me and hubby sagot school supplies, uniforms, maski luho nila. everyone learned not to depend on anybody so naramdaman nila ang hirap ng pagtatrabaho. so now pag tinutulungan sila super grateful and talaga namang may hiya para magtrabahong mabuti. problema ko na lang now si daddy. ayun, super bait pati buong barangay pinapautang ng walang bayaran tapos hihingi sakin. no way! lol

[babyboo.0326]

^gosh! i super envy you, sis... sana magawa ko rin siya sa amin. i just don't know where to start kasi si mom ko wala na talagang maaasahan since wala na dad ko.

[agape]

@lisse,
good thing you were able to train your family that way. mahirap talaga maging stricto.
sa case ko kasi I had bad decisions din, I pampered them too much, and now I want to take back my freedom. I used to earn also 8k before, and I only did the groceries for my baon to work, and some food at home, pero later on, habang lumalaki sweldo, nadagdagan din expenses ko.

Kaso now, mahirap na makakuha ng good increase in salary, so no choice, di pwedeng taasan pa ang budget sa family expenses, kahit pa inflation, dapat change lifestyle nlng, lower lifestyle.
I remember when I was studying puro pagkaing mahirap lang naman kami, pero now parang ang yaman naman namin, gusto ng Tita ko 2-3 klaseng ulam everyday, tapos pipilitin ubusin.
Lahat nga sa house matataba e, sagana sa food, pero wala naman tinatrabaho, tv all day lang.
When I leave the refrigerator empty, sasabihin ginugutom ko sila, inaapi ko na sila.
As if naman mamamatay agad sila sa konting gutom.

My dad is also like that, generous to neighbors and other people, tapos hihingi ng money sa family pag naubusan sya, sabi nga namin paampon sya dun sa mga sinusuportahan nya eh.

[quinone]

mga sis, minsan-minsan lang ako pumasyal sa thread na ito, may na-observe lang ako sa mga stories ng iba dito lalu na yung mga masyado nang dependent sa kanila ang family nila...hindi ba maiko-compare ang addiction or alcoholism sa situation na a-abuse na ang breadwinner? kasi parang co-dependence ang nangyayari...yung breadwinner is the enabler/co-dependent. yung enabler hindi makatanggi sa pagpo-provide for the family kahit alam na maling-mali na, when ibang family members kaya naman magwork pero mas gustong maging dependent.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

[Longhair]

^Thanks for sharing that article Sis Quinone. In my case, tumiwalag na ko sa family ko kasi walang katapusan yung pag gawa nila ng problema. Feeling ko parang janitor, taga linis ng pagkakalat nila. Pag di mo naman tinulungan, ipapa guilty ka so emotional blackmail. Napagod na ko so mas ok na magkakagalit kami basta may peace of mind ako. Ahaha, parang oxymoron ata! Kung kelan magkakagalit kami saka ako natahimik. Pano kasi sila na bahala sa buhay nila ngayon. Continous pa rin sila magkalat pero at this point, I don't really care. Natuyot na ko sa kanila.

[cinderella_322]

Joining, i'm the eldest din and the breadwinner.

Di ko alam pano nagstart pero nung nasa pinas pako during my first work, halos 70% ng sahod ko binibigay ko sa mom ko kasi naman yung dad ko, ang damot sa pera. I grew up struggling and finished my studies sa kung ano anong survival strategy ang ginawa ko para lang makatapos. Tumatak sa isip ko na once nagkawork ako, ayoko ng maulit ang ganun set up na palagi kaming kulang sa kain, walang pambaon and pambayad sa school, to think na sa public naman kami lahat nag-aral ng mga bro ko. (I have 3 younger brothers)

Nung una, ok pa kasi nag-bibigay lang ako ng pang grocery and pamalengke sa mom ko, Rent and my bro's school fees and allowance was under my father.

Pero di ko alam pano nangyari, since nag-abroad ako. Ako na lahat, rent, tuition, allowance, household. Nawalan ng work ang dad ko and kahit nagkaron na sya ulit ng work, nagkabaligtad. Sya na ngayon ang nagbibigay bigay nalang ng decided amount na gusto nya. Minsan nga kelangan pa syang hingian ng nanay ko kasi gipit din naman yung padala ko. Galit pa at nagger pa sya.

Until we finally decided na umalis sa poder nya for hist attitude reasons. Hindi na sila magkaige ng nanay ko. Nagkakasakitan na kaya I decided na magrent kami separately so ako lang ang nagwowork samin ngayon. Ang tatay ko ang nagbubuhay binata sa sahod nya. Ako na ang umako ng responsibility nya sa nanay at 3 brother ko.

Ang masaklap nito. yung 2 bros ko hindi nakapagtapos. yung kasunod ko nagloko nung time na nasa poder pa kami ng tatay ko and had lived separately na with his live-in partner. Tanggap ko naman yung babae kasi tumino yung bro ko sa kanya. Pero yung 3rd namin, inabuso ako. Todo suporta ako sa pag-aaral. Pero ayun, lumayas samin at sumama sa babae nya. 1st yr college lang ang inabot.
Kaya ngayon yung bunso nalang din ang pag-asa ko na tutulong sakin balang araw. 2nd yr college palang sya, malayo pa ang bubunuin.

ang hirap sobra. kakakasal lang namin ng hubby ko last year and wala pa kaming anak pero palagi akong nagigipit sa mga pangangailangan samin. Ang hubby ko din breadwinner, pero ang nakakainis, yung mga kapatid nya may mga asawa't anak na pero nakaasa pa din sa kanya, sya lahat nagbabayad ng rent, bills at groceries. Ang hilig pa magmessage ng kung ano ano na kelangan ng pera kasi pampacheck up at buntis na naman, may sakit ang anak, may sinalihang contest or what.

Nakakapagod na, ang tagal namin sa abroad pero wala pa din kaming ipon. Pero pano pa makakaalis sa situation na to? 

[agape]

^Parasites/Freeloaders can really suck you dry. Ok pa sana if they have consideration/concern for you and your family eh. Pero pag ganyan sila, pag nag de-demand, pag walang utang na loob, pag walang personal sense of responsibility, nakakawalang gana tumulong.
You need to think for yourself and choose which is your priority = your own family or sila.
Everyone of them is old enough, and should be able to fend for themselves na.

Easier said than done, ako unti-unti lang, step by step, like 1-napaalis ko parasitic egoistic brother ko and his manipulative family, 2-controlling my aunt's insecurities about money and her spending spree addiction, 3-helping my uncle get his own job so he won't depend on me (he has to get a new one, he was forced to resign after being regularized sa call center). I'm still 4-paying for my youngest brother's schooling, I hope he graduates next year na.

How I wish that I left home right after I had my 2nd or 3rd job, nung stable na ako, hindi siguro ako ang naging bread winner. But then I didn't know the future and that I will be in this situation eh. Now I don't go home everyday, and someday I hope to be independent from them and have my own place.

[lisse]

sabi nga nila help yourself first before you help others. masaklap naman kung nakakatulong ka sa iba pero sarili mo hindi mo naman matulungan, diba? charity begins at home, your own family, your own home. also, tumanim sa isip ko yung sinabi nung friend ko. for example, one relative asks her for money, she would ask herself, what would that relative do if the situation is reversed? eh since alam na niya likaw ng bituka ng relatives niya eh more or less alam na. if they are not willing to do that for her, why would she?

[cinderella_322]

good point sis lisse.

I would really like to limit our expenses na. Lalo na yung dad ni hubby, grabe kung ano anong business "kuno" ang pinapasok eh puro hingi ng hingi lang naman ng capital, wala naman kami nakikitang profit and hindi naman nagbibigay ng dagdag na budget sa kanila.

Sa side ko naman, I will start with my bro, papaghanapin ko sya ng work and tell him na tumulong sya sa bills sa bahay. Since nag-aaral pa yung bunso, sya muna ang makakatulong sakin.

Sa side ng hubby ko, medyo mahihirapan ako lalo na super bait ni hubby. Pero I'm starting to tell him na hindi na pupwede yung basta basta nalang tumutulong sa mga kapatid nya for his nephews or nieces. May mga sarili namang tatay yun eh, aanak anak kasi hindi naman nila kaya suportahan. 

[quinone]

^either your boyfriend decides that he should be the one to actually run his life, or his relatives will do it for him. it's his money, so he has control over it.

baka feeling ng bf mo wala siyang choice, "feeling" lang yun. kung yung mga kapatid niya na may asawa pinili na hindi magbigay, siya rin pwede niyang piliin na magbigay lang ayon sa kaya niya. parang hindi tama na manghingi siya sayo. aminin man o hindi, hindi magandang tinginan na lahat sa family niya napupunta, tapos ikaw uutangang niya.

[windybells]

Thanks a million sis  quinone.   


I think I have to talk to him and sabihin ang saloobin ko sa kanya.

[quinone]

^goodluck sis! lahat naman napag-uusapan ng maayos