this should have been my happiest month...my wedding :( {Journal to Recovery}

[pumpkin13]

^don't get me wrong sis when I say she was acting so childish. i don't know her and you personally pero I'm just basing it sa kwento dito. you're now moving on. you should start to feel good about yourself kahit wala na si ex bf. doing such thing as the albularyo thing, whether it's effective or not, will just send you back to scratch. i don't think it will help. there's a natural way of healing. revenge generally doesn't make someone feel better. having the guy realizes what he lost is such a sweet revenge. without him realizing it means things are not really meant for you.

talk to your friend. and if she's really one good friend, she'll help you get over it by staying by your side, cheering you up and not by doing something that will implicate you in the end.

again, my 2 cents. 

[holli_may]

yeah, sis...we talked na nga kasi she was really insisting about that "albularyo" thing. i told her na kung me gagawa nun, ako lang ang dapat kasi ako ang involve. Though I thanked her for her concern kaya nya siguro naisip yun pero I explained to her din na doing things her way only proves that she disrespect me. buti naman naliwanagan siya. Although obvious na hindi nya gusto ang naging decision ko pero at least she really stepped aside what we did din was, she asked me to write a letter to ex. na isulat ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin...galit, tuwa, pagkamiss, sakit, lahat lahat na. i did those for the past two days and when we met kagabi, kinuha nya lahat yun. pagbalik nya daw ng states, ibibigay nya yun sa pastor ng church nila. naiyak ako agad sis this time lang uli ako naiyak since nung day na ni-lock ko na yung door pag-alis ko sa dati kong place.

and ngayon okay na kami sis, as much as possible iniiwasan naming maging topic si ex. kasi ang impact nun is magagalit siya and sa akin naman is hindi rin makakatulong. i'm glad my bestfriend and I are on the same boat uli

[holli_may]

From my Journal entry dated November 19, 2010:

The past few  days were like flashes of blank pages ibefore me. Don't know if it's pain, nostalgia, loneliness, or just simply emptiness. I went on with my life as usual and then all of a sudden...blank! I guess in dire desperation, I grasped for anything i could get my sanity back on...don't want to lose my focus now because I've already regained. Don't want to be lost again because I've already come to find my way back! But why do I feel like a puppet suddenly cut loose from my chain and I feel I no longer command my gravity? Hate to accept it but tears are slowly finding their way out again. And just like before I reached my hands even higher as I call out to God. I never stopped holding on to God's words even if I've started to rebound from that dark phase, but why do I feel dragged back to the same pithole? Where was that solid ground I've found to land my self firmly on?


Was everything just a temporary solace? And what was my hot coffee for and blank page doing before I made this entry? and how does my ever colorful crib looked so dull and lifeless now? Where have those bright colors gone to? Is it a sign of a black phase repeat?  Not again, please. Oh God! Never again anymore!

[Gladz31842]

hugs sis, pretty tight..hope it helps....

[holli_may]

Journal entry dated November 27, 2010


I learned this new term SMP (Samahan ng mga Malalamig na Pasko) and thought this might be the cause of my sudden loneliness these past few days. Never intended to make such a big deal out of it but can I deny that it somehow struck a chord? Everytime I look around, christmas spirit is filled in the air. It should have made me smile and look forward for festivities, but all i feel is loneliness. And yes! here I am again, I feel so disoriented. I should not be feeling this way because it's not only a "guy" or a "boyfriend" can make your christmas complete and special. i do have my family and friends around but why can't I rid the thought of those christmas memories with him? Why are there sad christmas songs being played in the mall?!. or shall i say, why are there sad christmas songs being composed in the first place??! there should only be merry songs because it should be a merry holiday!

[ysa.belle]

sis, alam ko OT ito pero read this thread. hindi siya love related. read my last post sis, para lang ma-warn ka and mga other sis naten:

http://www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php/topic,226595.msg6122195.html#msg6122195

[holli_may]

hello mga sis! how's everybody doing? hope things are working great for everyone

mga sis, ask ko lang...does anyone here knows a good place to attend a spiritual retreat to? been checking pero top places are either baguio or tagaytay. meron bang dito lang sa manila? will greatly appreciate your reply

[_AiaH_]

^ closest i can think of is in antipolo

[holli_may]

what name sis and where can I find the details for inquiry and reservation? will greatly appreciate your added info sis.

[petlovah]

i have been looking around as well for a retreat. what i saw are brama kamaris ata un and karis retreat house. if may makita ka, let me know.. i want din sana.

[prettykhae]

that was so sad. pero still be thankful kasi kung kasal na kayo at nangyari yan, mas masakit girl.

hindi siguro sya yung para sa iyo. just pray for someone to come along. dont lose hope.

[holli_may]

@ sis prettkhae --- thanks sis. guess i'm just experiencing a slight "backsliding" here kasi siguro sa upcoming holiday...had so many beautiful memories kasi during our Christmases together both nung friends pa lang kami hanggang naging kami. And now kahit yung ex ko in the person of my "friend" ala na. Pero okay lang sis, this too shall pass. I've made it through nga sa supposedly wedding day ko. God is good sis

@ sis petlovah === gusto mo sabay tayo? magre-research ako

[_AiaH_]

^ sis holli may, how are you holding up na? how are you feeling now?

[holli_may]

i feel like backsliding sis...para akong nae-entrap na ewan ko. i'm pre-occupying myself na naman to divert my attention or shall i say my emotion. parang delikado kasi pag napag-isa ako, parang waterfall effect yung past sa akin. ayoko nang bumalik sa dati sis kaya  lahat ng magagawa ko na di ko maalala ang past ginagawa ko.

Thanks for the concern sis pero effect lang siguro eto ng "christmas" blues sa akin. feeling ko effect din to ng pagkaset na ng mind ko na last christmas as single ko na yung last year. para lang eto nung supposedly wedding day ko sis, kaylangan ko lang lampasan to by facing the reality na hindi na mangyayari ang mga ini-expect kong mangyari dati. i'm planning to join a retreat sis. spiritual healing siguro kasi i feel na i badly need one.

[carmilina]

^sis andito kaming lahat, dadamay sa yo' , remember kaw din ang mkakatulong sa sarili mo...okay...

[ysa.belle]

@sis holli_may, i know what you feel. syempre its christmas & may idea ka na talaga kung ano ang dapat na christmas mo di ba? pero things did not turn out as you expected it to happened.

pero alam mo sis, kaya mo yan kase nakayanan mo na eh. natural na lang yung medyo may ma-feel na konti pero please think na nalampasan mo na naman yung hardest part eh.

i know you will be alright... *hugs*

[xxxloixxx]

holli_may, I agree with carmilina. Ikaw lang makakatulong sa sarili mo... Feel the pain but move forward. I know it's not that easy but there's no easy way. Pray, pray, pray. And remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

[holli_may]

mga sis, as always thanks sa mga encouragement pero bakit ganito mga sis? Kala ko ba nalampasan ko na ang "mourning? stage? tapos na ang supposedly wedding date ko diba? bakit na naman ako nagkakaganito? nalampasan ko na eh, bakit ako bumalik??!!!!

sis xxxloixxx , ayoko nang i-feel ang pain kasi mahihirapan na naman ako. ayoko nang bumalik sa dati sis. What I'm doing now is as much as possible di ko na dapat ma-feel ang pain kaya i'm doubling my efforts na to busy myself. pero bakit ganun sis? the harder I suppressed the pain, the more hurtful it is pag alone na ako? I came to the point na that I already ask God what did I do to deserve this? hindi naman ako masamang tao ah!

Right at this moment, I'm angry na...angry of fate. Kasi unfair siya sa akin! Hindi ako masamang tao para pahirapan ng ganito! I make it my principle na hindi makasakit ng kapwa and if I did man, di ko sinasadya yun. and if I'm aware of it, I make ammends agad. Kasi nga what you do unto others would others do unto you.

Napaka-unfair mga sis. Fate is so cruel! Kung tao or tangible lang ang fate, matagal ko na siyang pinagsasampal-sampal.

[_AiaH_]

^ sis, you are mourning for what 'reason'? reflect upon yourself muna and find out the reasons as to why up until this point you feel like your still where you were before. maybe your reason for mourning eh na gusto mo parin sya bumalik, na sya parin, etc.

Acceptance is the key. That the chapter of your life with him is really over. once you have accepted that fact, it's easier to move on. Maybe at the back of your mind, there is still this hope na gusto mo sya parin.

Fate isn't cruel, it's life's way of telling us they won't let us settle. Life has it's own way of making things fall into its proper place

[holli_may]

guess i am sis and i know i am being a ta**a. pero ang hirap ng acceptance. di ko ata kaya sis nahihirapan na ako. gusto ko nang magmove-on pero ala talagang acceptance sa puso ko. if i am a thing, feeling ko i'm beyond repair sis.