Wow, tagal ko na hindi naopen toh. Dami pala nagreply to give some advice. Sana I opened it sooner. A lot happened since the last time I was here. Ive gotten a lot better. Ive learned to laugh and smile again, but i must admit, the feeling is always fleeting. Nawawala agad pero compared sa una na kahit na anung nakakatawa hindi ako natatawa. Magagalit kayo sakin, the past 3 months or almost 4 na, since we broke up, we talked or more of texted each other everyday still and we ate lunch with each other everyday. I know mas pinapatagal ko lang yung sakit ko pero hindi ko matiis eh. In a way whenever I was with him, gusto ko ipakita sa kanya na kaya ko din maging masaya and for a time he actually thought na okay na ko. Until the very end when I knew I really have to stop talking to him or seeing him for a while.
I kept thinking kung kelan ko ba siya kakausapin to tell him that i need to go away for a little bit to heal and to put my life back together and i decided pagdating nalang ng summer. That way, hindi ko siya makikita sa school or kahit sa trabaho. We had the talk last week and it was the toughest thing I ever had to do. Iyak ako ng iyak. I told him the reasons kung bakit ko kailangan gawin toh. Of course he accepted it. I asked him why cant we start over as friends and maybe go from there, we'll do things differently. And sabi niya "start over as friends for what? in the hopes of getting back together? but what if we dont? you're gonna end up getting hurt again.? why dont we live our lives separately on our own and for ourselves, and maybe in the future, we dont know whats gonna happen." sabi ko naman "i just need to know if he already closed the doors, if we still have a chance." sabi naman niya "right now, no. but we dont know what the future holds." ayun, iyak ako ng iyak. he also said na siyempre dun sa break up, may contribution din ako that i changed a lot, i told him i know i did but i learned my lesson and thats why i want him to give me a chance to show him that kaso sabi ko mahirap ipakita sa kanya yung mga natutunan ko because whenever im with him, i cant be normal. i feel desperate. im still broken. i told him i was worse than the girl he broke up with. sabi kasi niya medyo matagal na kami break pero parang wala pa din nagbago kaya yun yung sagot ko sa kanya. dami pa namin pinagusapan. somewhere in the conversation sinabi din niya "let me make this absolutely clear, there are no prospects. im not looking for anyone. im not looking for a relationship. ever since we broke up, i did nothing but focus in school. my dad asked me if ive been dating around and i said no, i just want to focus on school" he said this kasi i kept saying and asking him if meron na ba iba. i know him naman and i know kahit masakit he'll tell me the truth kung meron na talagang iba. we said i love you to each other before we said goodbye. we didnt have a conclusion as far as contacting each other. he asked if he shouldnt text me and sabi ko naman its up to you. he hasnt for a week, and i guess what i did and said was easier said than done. sobrang hirap. buong linggo iyak ako ng iyak. miss na miss ko na siya. hanggang kahapon hindi ko natiis and i called him. palpak lang kasi of all the days na nagkaurge ako, kahapon pa ko tumawag and nagddrive siya. he asked if gusto ko daw, we can call each other once a week to check up on each other sabi ko i dont know. Tama ba toh? A part of me wanted to say yes so bad, pero hindi ko alam. Sabi niya to just let him know if gusto ko daw yun. Until now i dont know if tama ba yung ginawa ko. Takot ako na what if pagbalik ko and i want to be friends, pano kung wala na siya? Pano kung we cant be back to how things are? In a way, kahit masakit, I liked how we were as friends sana lang talaga hindi sobrang sakit para makaya ko.
I dont know kung nasang stage na ba ko. Hindi ko alam kung yung stages pabalik balik ba or talagang may moment na talaga puro anger or denial lang nararamdaman ko. Ive gotten mad at him a lot. Ive gotten to a point where i even told him i hate him for making me go through this. Pero nawawala yung galit eh. Parang sobrang bilis. I wouldnt say ive accepted everything na. Kasi from time to time, id still ask myself, totoo ba ito? Talaga bang hindi siya babalik? Bakit hindi ko matanggap? Hindi pwede toh, mahal namin isa't isa, pano bigla nawala yun? I would ask all these questions until now.
mimiku: sana talaga dumating sa point where i wont question myself anymore. na kaya ko na kahit hindi na kami maging friends. right now, yun pa din nasa isip ko eh. na what if we're better as friends than nothing at all.
precious_girl: i really hope that the day comes na magawa ko na yan. In a way, ive done it when id tell him different things and plans na meron ako. Im not gonna lie and ask sometimes "what if he sees that im moving on? that means he'll move on too." sad to say but sometimes feeling ko hinihintay nalang niya ko na maging okay ako eh. di ko ba alam.
lesters_gal: you've told me a little bit about your story before. im proud of you for being able to do that. sobrang hirap siguro pilitin sarili mo to reply to him and only to say that. maybe liberating din yung feeling kasi this time, the power is in your hands na.
crazee_crazee: tama ka. sabi nga nila diba, living a good life is the sweetest revenge. i guess it applies here. kailangan ko ipakita sa kanya na i can be happy by myself and i can be happy without him. Ive had this mentality for a while and siguro hindi palang nagssink in. Kasi towards the end before i said goodbye, puro iyak lang ako eh. Away and arguments lang inabot namin.
_aiah_: i cant wait to get to that point. minsan im imagining myself in the future, yung wala siya and masaya ako. im living such a fulfilling life kahit wala siya. masarap talaga isipin and in some way, it has been my motivations. but nawawala din. babalik uli ako sa stage where im at and iyak na naman. pano ko kaya mahahanap yung drive na to really focus on myself? kasi thats whats everyone has been telling me. to focus on myself and love myself more. pano ba nagagawa toh?
chinito: di ko alam anong stage ba ko eh. pabalik balik kasi ako eh. minsan magagalit ako. minsan denial uli. minsan feeling ko tanggap ko na. gulo ba? dun sa ginawa ko of saying goodbye to him atleast for now, i dont know which stage that puts me. i wouldnt say moving on yet kasi naiiyak pa ko? ganun ba talaga yun?
carmilina:i know that minahal niya ko. and he still does. nararamdaman ko naman yun eh. i guess talagang not in the way that i want him to love me. sobrang sakit tanggapin yun eh. but i'll keep trying.
chengkii: yeah, venting it out to friends and family has helped me a lot talaga. although feeling ko, napapagod na din sila pakinggan ako eh. medyo matagal na din kasi. so sometimes i keep things to myself nalang and iiyakin ko nalang mag-isa.
Thank you all ha!! For all the encouraging words and for giving me some advice. Kailangan na kailangan ko kasi eh. And i know its frustrating to talk to someone like me, parang hindi pumapasok sa utak yung mga advice na binibigay sakin. I am trying though.
