Baby na o wag muna??

[mlee]

[emopost]

I got married 3 years ago and since then I would often hear this dreaded question from family, in-laws and friends.

On the first year, it felt "okay". I guess everyone was just happy about our union and that baby questions are just part of the excitement.

But the second year came and the next. Most people we know still throw this question on us. And the fact that I turned 30 this year - made it even worse. The "your not getting any younger".

Honestly, we don't feel like having kids yet for so many rational and practical reasons. Financially, settling where for good, career decisions....  But I don't hear any positive affirmation from any of them regarding our decision.

I don't understand the obsession over "having babies". They try to impose as though a family isn't complete without children. That a family isn't a family without kids.

I take it very personal and rather a very private matter when people ask me this question.

I mean, what's the rush? What's wrong with choosing to put baby plans on hold for a better future?

What's up with people asking these questions up front right after a couple gets married?

I just don't get it. Your POVS please.

[Andgid]

blame it to the culture na pag nagpakasal na dapat within the year magkaanak ka.
some people simply can not and do not want to understand other people's opinions on having kids.
mahirap ang buhay ngayon..maraming considerations at preparations na kailangan for the betterment of the future. baka yun ang hindi nila masyadong maintindihan.
i have friends who have the same situation as yours, some are couples na mas matagal pa sa inyo and are being pressured by the people around pero deadma lang.
yung pagkakaroon kasi ng anak blessing yan. darating yan sa takdang oras, sa tamang tyempo.
though it's difficult, try to ignore their comments and live a happy life 

[mommynin8]

i endured the same question for 9 years (on the 10th year na kasi ako naging mom)... but it wasnt my choice, but due to infertility issues.

it's true bothersome talaga yung mga ganyang questions.  my best response pag tinatanong nila kung may baby na ako after learning i was married for x number of years was 'why do you want to know? (complete with uber plastic teethbaring smile!).  most, if not all, will stop questioning at that point, kasi nagiging obvious na nag chi chismis lang sila.  i specially hated it when they start making jokes like 'siguro malabnaw yung ke <hubby>' or 'dapat kasi tinatanggal yung undies', etc.  with those, iniiwan ko na lang, kasi frankly, they don't know the hardships we were going through that time.

so next time, just ask them back why they need (or want) to know why you don't have kids yet.  promise, (unless uber taklesa yan), hindi na sila magtatanong ulit.

[ldrwifey]

hubby and i would love to have a child, but decided we should wait, we're both 27, just got married last december and after two months wala n akong ibang naririnig kundi "oh may baby n ba?" di naman kami affected kasi bagong kasal p lang naman kami diba kaso we decided to wait awhile, mga 3yrs due to so many factors s situation ng relationship namin, and just imagine kung ilang taon kong pakikinggan ang mga ganyang klaseng tanong.... sa culture kasi nating mga pilipino hindi kumpleto ang mag asawa kapag walang anak... n para bang obligasyon ng babae n pag katapos ng kasal is magbubuntis na, having children will surely bring additional joy to the family but its not a must for every couple. 

[longing]

true, it's Filipino culture kasi...my brother got married '08 and til now wala pa din silang baby...they have priorities - bro wants to finish law.

i can feel their asar to some people who keeps on asking if meron na ba baby. told my SIL not to mind them. kasi it adds pressure na makabuo sila even if they are not prepared yet.  at times, naiinggit ako kasi when i got married, nakabuo kami agad. don't get me wrong, i love my baby to death pero yung time with your husband is another story...

[chinkywinky]

Experiencing it now though 1 year pa lang kaming kasal. Minsan may time pa nga na naiyak na ako sa mga tanong sakin. My point is, if you ask me if I am pregnant and I said not yet, you should stop from there and know your limitations and be sensitive enough. Don't tell me things like, "tumatanda na kayo", "sarap ng may anak" etc. etc. I know all that, and it's burdensome on my part if you keep on insinuating the thought.

Awa sakin si hubby. Gusto nya sapakin yung mga nagtatanong sakin kasi napaiyak nga ako. So right now, if someone asks me out of the line questions, I would just reply "why ask? ikaw ang mag-aalaga? we are not rushing and we're spending quality time together and we're happy."

Yung mga nakakaintindi, they are not asking us. They would just say "ibibigay yan ni Lord in time."

Sa mga malalabnaw ang utak, that they feel they are secured enough because they already have kids which I don't have right now, and looks like iniinggit ako, sorry. We got married because we love each other, a child is just a plus.

[jomai]

sisters we share the same sentiments.... hhaaaayyy naku, bakit ba may mga taong ganyan.... Kami ni Happy 5 months pa lang na kasal pero panay na ang tanong nila... nakaka upset na nga eh... Ang masakit pa nun mga kapit bahay na pakialamera ang nagtatanong, hehe... dapat daw meron na. eh anong gagawin namin kung wala pang mabuo, pareho kami nagwowork ni hubby, sa gabi lang kami nagkikita, tapos pagod pa sa byahe... Isa pa mga sisses, I had ectopic pregnancy almost 5 years ago, kaya alam mo mahihirapan talaga kami makabuo.

[frankie517]

Hello mga Sis! I am on the same boat. We've been married for more than 3 years now and we still don't have any kids. We are not really trying to, it's more of a choice. I've also been asked the same questions like "Kailan ba? Bakit ayaw niyo pa?, etc" We have a dog and pati iyon nasasali! Kesyo aso na lang daw ba ang gusto namin, etc. (Ayaw ko lang makasakit ng damdamin pero minsan gusto ko sabihin,  "Mas okay pa nga ang aso, less complications and problems unlike humans!" hehe. Joke.    )
Buti na lang me and hubby (we are in our early 30s) don't feel any pressure at all.
It's not that we don't want to have kids, pero hindi pa lang namin ma-feel na gusto na namin. Ganun lang.
There are times na napapa-isip ako kung selfish ba ang reasons namin, against ba iyon sa laws of Pro-Creation, etc. Pero para sa akin, hindi din ba masamang magluwal ng bata sa mundo tapos gutom, kapos, nakakaraos lang?
Kaya para sa akin, let us not burden ourselves by having to explain to everyone, everytime the reasons why wala pa. Useless worries lang yan.  Ako, I just smile and say "Eh ganun eh." 

[mlee]

Thank you so much mga sisters. I feel very supported right now!

... We have a dog and pati iyon nasasali! Kesyo aso na lang daw ba ang gusto namin, etc. (Ayaw ko lang makasakit ng damdamin pero minsan gusto ko sabihin,  "Mas okay pa nga ang aso, less complications and problems unlike humans!" hehe. Joke.    )

Naku, ganyan nga. We have 3 dogs and we love them like babies. People notice that and it's been a source of unsolicited comments. I would hear things like "Ginagaya ko raw si Oprah, puro aso walang anak" or things like "All dogs no babies" It used to be funny, but it has becoming more and more personal na ang dating.

There are times na napapa-isip ako kung selfish ba ang reasons namin, against ba iyon sa laws of Pro-Creation, etc. Pero para sa akin, hindi din ba masamang magluwal ng bata sa mundo tapos gutom, kapos, nakakaraos lang?

Ganyan nga.  I never thought nagpapaka-selfish kami just because we don't want to have kids. My stand is - isn't it more selfish for a couple to have kids without being fully prepared just to satisfy their desire and please everyone else?

I asked this same question elsewhere and I can't believe the answer I got from one person there.

ITS A FACT THAT THEY KNOW THE HAPPINESS THERE IS OF HAVING A BABY. UNLESS U CANNOT HAVE A BABY, ITS AN EXCUSE.

just as long as u know u are happy with ur decision and u know u are REPRODUCTIVELY HEALTHY to have a baby anytime after 30 years of age, there is no reason to be pissed off. RELAX GIRL.

Well, I can't imagine a couple marrying and not having children within the first two years, unless of course they lived in poverty and really couldn't support a child.  It's just part of being in a loving relationship - that you want to express that love by having children.

Wow. Unbelievable. I asked in the wrong place by posting my question elsewhere.

[clueless]

married 5 years and no kids din.

we also get asked that question a lot. our families, relatives and close friends know better now. they don't ask anymore. nung una kasi we would give the "right" answers pa - what they wanted to hear, polite answers, mga ganon. but ever since we started telling them that we are childless by choice, they stopped asking. at least they respect our choice.

but there are some people who keep on "justifying" the "need" to have kids. iba daw ang feeling, seeing your baby smile at you makes everything worth it, na we're only saying now we don't want kids because we don't what it feels like to be parents, our outlook will change once we finally have a kid etc etc. ang nakakainis, these are people who are not even close to us. nakikialam. why can't they just respect the choice? i respect your choice to have kids, respect my choice not to. ganon lang dapat ka-simple yon.

[baby_corey]

I can really relate with you, sis. My husband and I are married for almost 5 years now and still we don't have a baby. Ang pinagkaiba lang natin I think is you don't want to have a baby yet while I cannot have a baby even if I want to.

I also dread the questions of in-laws and some relatives. Sometimes I hate to go to parties if I know most of the relatives will be there because they will gona ask me that dreaded question again. May mga hirit pa nga sila na comments like ang hina hina daw namin bakit hindi kami makabuo but then they would shut their mouths up if I start to remind them again that I can't have a baby because of problems in my ovaries.

I also have pets at home, actually 4 dogs and 4 cats . Some relatives would say like i-give up daw namin ang mga pets namin para magkaanak kami...and I really hate them for saying these things. Wala na nga kaming anak, kukunin pa nila pets namin, eh di mas magiging lonely ang bahay. I love my pets and they make me happy but it doesn't mean na ayaw ko na magkaanak dahil andyan na mga pets ko. Of course, hubby and I are still trying to have a baby and habang wala pa kaming baby, ang mga pets muna namin ang magpapa happy sa amin, diba?

haaiz hayaan na lang natin sila sis. Sometimes kasi may mga tao talaga na insensitive and hindi nila alam na may nasasaktan na sila sa mga words na sinasabi nila eh.

[runaway_bridesmaid]

i feel so good reading all your posts! kapanalig nyo ako mga sisters, talagang ganun ang mga taong utak ipis. wag natin sila pansinin.

pinakamasakit sa lahat ng narinig ko yung "ang bagal nyo, naunahan na naman kayo nila ___ "

mabait lang talaga ako kaya napipigilan ko magtaray, pero di nila alam talagang bleeding to death na ang puso ko sa sobrang sakit ng salita nila

[mlee]

but there are some people who keep on "justifying" the "need" to have kids. iba daw ang feeling, seeing your baby smile at you makes everything worth it, na we're only saying now we don't want kids because we don't what it feels like to be parents, our outlook will change once we finally have a kid etc etc. ang nakakainis, these are people who are not even close to us. nakikialam. why can't they just respect the choice? i respect your choice to have kids, respect my choice not to. ganon lang dapat ka-simple yon.

What I don't understand sis, is why can't these people be a little more considerate and respect the privacy of others? Marami namang ice breaking questions if it's all for conversations sake. Why the babies question?

Kapag nagka baby ba kami - tutulong sila? Will they baby sit my child? Will they be paying bills? Are they going to be pro-active with child rearing? Hindi diba? Pero sarap na sarap silang itulak ka na magka-anak agad.

Hindi ko naman carry magtaray.

I also dread the questions of in-laws and some relatives. Sometimes I hate to go to parties if I know most of the relatives will be there because they will gona ask me that dreaded question again. May mga hirit pa nga sila na comments like ang hina hina daw namin bakit hindi kami makabuo but then they would shut their mouths up if I start to remind them again that I can't have a baby because of problems in my ovaries.

sis baby_corey, and rude naman nila!
yung mga biro nila hindi ba nila narerealize na nakaka-offend?!

I also have pets at home, actually 4 dogs and 4 cats . Some relatives would say like i-give up daw namin ang mga pets namin para magkaanak kami...and I really hate them for saying these things. Wala na nga kaming anak, kukunin pa nila pets namin, eh di mas magiging lonely ang bahay. I love my pets and they make me happy but it doesn't mean na ayaw ko na magkaanak dahil andyan na mga pets ko. Of course, hubby and I are still trying to have a baby and habang wala pa kaming baby, ang mga pets muna namin ang magpapa happy sa amin, diba?

How dare they say that! Wala silang karapatan mag sabi anong dapat niyong gawin sa buhay ninyo. These unsolicited advices just makes me mad!

"ang bagal nyo, naunahan na naman kayo nila ___ "

Naku sis, narinig ko na yan before. Not directed to us, but was for someone else. And I felt furious after hearing that.

Ano kaya magandang sabihin that will get our message across firmly, diplomaticly without sounding like a b****?

[mariana]

and mind you guys minsan naman kapag kinasal ka naman ang tanong agad sayo buntis ka na?whaaaaaaaat???kaya ba ako ikakasal dahil buntis???nasa kultura na naten seguro yun kapag kinasal dapat magbaby or kapag kinasal iisipin ng iba kase buntis lol...hay pilipino talaga...

[Tigershark09]

kulturang pinoy nga. pero kung ready ka naman sa consequences ng pagdedelay mo sa pregnancy, why not?! i mean if you're not prepared to be a parent right now then don't. in the end, ikaw din ang mag-decide kung ano ang gusto mo sa buhay mo kahit ano pa ang sabihin nila. kung with or without baby ay happy naman kayo, then you have nothing to worry.

BUT if pregnancy is something you look forward to in the coming years, then you should also make an informed decision. magbasa ka din or magconsult ka sa doctor kung hanggang kelan mo ba pwedeng i-delay ang pagbubuntis at yung health mo, are you healthy enough to delay your pregnancy? syempre may mga risks and complications ang pregnancy as women age. ang baby, hindi naman nabibili lang sa drugstore na kung kelan mo gusto, magkakaroon ka na agad. you have to be realistic too and take that into consideration para kung ready ka na, ready na din ang baby mo.

[mlee]

Hi Tigershark,

Thank you for the very insightful suggestion. It never crossed my mind to go talk to a doctor about delaying pregnancy. Which I believe I must do! But I don't know which doctor to go to. OB-GYN ba or general doctor ...?

[Tigershark09]

^ur welcome sis. what im telling you is based on my own experience. ako din i went through that stage parang ayaw ko pa noon and at wala ako care kung ano sabihin nila. i just ignore whatever they say but i didn't realize that i will encounter problems pala noong time na gusto na namin. marami pala akong problems like my weight, my ovarian cyst, endometriosis and my OB even told me that i have very slim chance of concieving. parang bombang sumabog sa mukha ko yung news! parang whaaatt?! ayon nahirapan talaga ako ng todo-todo (i had lap surgery to remove the cyst and other treatments) pero sa awa ng Dios nagkababy pa din. But i didn't regret my decision to delay having a baby, i just regret that i didn't take good care of my health and im so clueless with my body. akala ko madali lang mabuntis. it doesn't work that way pala for all of us. importante din pala na magpatingin ka sa OB every year kasi baka may problema ka hindi mo alam.

you can go to your family doctor (general) and maybe that doctor can refer you to an OB if you don't know one. just know your overall health and tell them your concerns like if its ok to delay your pregnancy etc. kung may problem ka sa period mo or any concern about your reproductive health, tell them now.

[mlee]

Thanks Tigershark. I will do as you advised.

[sue323]

and mind you guys minsan naman kapag kinasal ka naman ang tanong agad sayo buntis ka na?whaaaaaaaat???kaya ba ako ikakasal dahil buntis???nasa kultura na naten seguro yun kapag kinasal dapat magbaby or kapag kinasal iisipin ng iba kase buntis lol...hay pilipino talaga...

True. It's just a culture thing.  I don't get annoying questions from my European friends, pero pag Asians ayun na.. as if being childless is a sin, they'd even label you as selfish, or they'd say: 'sayang naman'.  what's would be sayang if you're contented with your life?

[kettlekorn28]

Naku mga sis, nakakainis talaga yung mga mahadera na nagbibigay ng mga unsolicited advice...to think na di naman kayo close. Kami rin ni hubby wala pang kids. This April, 3 years na kami. We want to have kids naman but we're not pushing ourselves too much.

Like other sisses here, people would ask me different questions about us not having kids. At first, we answer them politely. Sabi namin, "Di pa binibigay ni God eh." Pero habang tumatagal, questions got nastier & hurtful. To the point na umiyak na rin ako. Biro nyo naman sabihan ako ng ganito ng isang mahaderang nanay "Hoy bakit di ka pa nabubuntis? Nagpatingin na ba kayo? Siguro baog ka no." Grabe, gusto ko na sya sabunutan that time. Pero nagpigil lang talaga ako kas matanda sya. Naisip ko na lang, ano bang karapatan nya? Eh ni hindi ko nga sya kaano-ano. Oo, madami syang anak. Lampas lima nga eh, pero di ako naiinggit sa kanya. Kasi anak lang sya ng anak pero di sila marunong ng responsible parenting. Dalawa na ata ang napaampon nila kasi hirap sila sa buhay tapos ganun lang sasabihin nya sa akin.

We have dogs rin. Pati ba naman yun pinapakialaman pa ng mga relatives namin. Bakit daw hindi bata ang alagaan namin. Bakit aso pa? Hay naku, nakakabili ba ng bata sa petshop? Sila na nga lang ang nagbibigay ng kaligayahan sa amin eh. Anak na ang turing namin sa kanila.

Sure, we wanna have kids. Pero last year, I had D&C. Makapal daw ang matres ko kaya di mabuntis. I'm still on meds. Nasawa na ako sa kakasagot sa kanila. Pag may nagtatanong, I just pretend that I didn't heard them. It hurts even more kapag inaassociate nila ang extra pounds ko kaya di ako mabuntis. Di naman ako balyena noh.

Sa side ni hubby, mabilis magbuntis ang mga cousins at tita nya. Di naman kami nakakarinig sa mga in-laws ko, pero their actions speaks louder eh.

After kong ma-D&C, I asked hubby "Paano kung di ako mabuntis? Iiwan mo ba ako? Hahanap ka ba ng ipapalit mo sa akin?" He replied "Nung niyaya kitang magpakasal, di ko naman sinabi sayo na compulsory ang magkababy di ba. Bonus lang yun. Kung anak lang ang gusto ko dapat nag-ampon na lang ako ng bata. Magiging masaya naman tayo, may anak o wala." Ego booster di ba.