When You Know a Family Member is Dying

[gwacie]

Hi everyone, how do you react when you know that a family member is slowly slipping away?

My dad has been sick lately, he's been a chain smoker until I was grade 5, and now he has problems with his lungs. He won't tell us specifically what happened, but I spoke to his doctor and while the doctor didn't give details, the prognosis is very dim.

Lately my dad has been slowly turning over the finances to my mother, introducing her to the banks where he gets his pension, and making inventories of the assets and a family history. It hurts so much to hear him coughing every night, refusing further treatments from the doctors, and sometimes I think it's like he's preparing to die.

I know it's inevitable, that we all die sooner or later, but right now I don't feel prepared to let him go. I'm spending more time home than usual, doing errands for him, and praying harder to ease his suffering. It's harder since I'm the eldest of two, and my brother is working out of town and has his own family to care for.

For those in a similar situation, how did you cope? I am crying as I am typing this, I don't want my family to know that I get moments of weakness like this. It hurts so much. 

[aquacharly]

GWACIE, I can feel your pain.
Last year, a brother hit Stage 4 cancer, and he was in and out of the hospitals.  His last hospital stay was almost 2 months, and he died there.
2 weeks later, our Dad was rushed to the ICU and died in less than 12 hours.

Yes, spending more time and showing your love with small things that matter to sick people -- you are doing it right. 
What else? 
Pray.  Pray with your dad; pray as a family. 
If you are Catholic... pray the rosary as often as you can with him, the entire family. 
There is nothing more bonding nor more loving than sharing prayers.

Have friends and relatives drop by.  So that he gets distracted, and finds little joys in reminiscing happier times... or gets the opportunity to say what has been left unsaid over time.

Every person worries about leaving someone behind.  It may be the offspring who is unable to stand on his own 2 feet yet, or has been wayward... it may be the wife, mother or wheover.
So the dying person needs to be assured that person he worries about is not going to be alone.  He needs to be assured that you will take care of each other.
That is very important... if he fears death, he fears too that his family will have a hard time coping when he is gone. 

Our brother's dying took a long time, and took a great emotional toll on all of us -- his own family, and on us his siblings and our parents. 
No financial problems. But we sure got emotionally rocked.
There were days we would pray for a miracle that would extend his life.
But there were days too when we would pray that God take him and spare him further physical pain.
It sure was a roller coaster.

There was a time we feared calls at night.

Pray for strength, for yourself.
You need to be strong for your parents.
Always pray for Divine Guidance.
Pray and leave it all in God's hand.  Thy will be done -- say that and mean it.   

[mommynin8]

i too, can relate.  and yes, i also feared calls (and texts) at night.

i spent a lot of time with my dad, always brought to him his apo whenever possible.  i took a lot of pictures too.  kasi his apo was only 1 1/2 then.  my son and i spent a weekend at my parent's house, and it was the most memorable one, as it was his last.  tell him everything you want to tell him, and ask all the things you want to ask.  that was my regret, hindi ko natanong papa ko if I was ok as a daughter (only daughter), as a mom to my son... his opinion (up to now) is really important to me... tapos the wednesday after that weekend he was gone.  a lot of questions still unanswered, only because i didn't have the gall to ask them.  a lot of words i should have said, hindi ko din nasabi.  i am glad though na everytime we do speak before, lagi nya sinasabi 'love you' and thankfully, i respond with i love you too.

[sweetsweet]

Sis gwacie, i lost my dad last november and though we didn't have a close father-daughter relationship, i still cry whenever I miss him and think about him now.

A year prior to his death the doctors told us already that hindi na magtatagal si dad dahil ang dami na nyang sakit patong patong na, he's also a chain smoker and heavy drinker. He's very weak and lost a lot of weight too.

Ganun din like your dad, kahit masakit isipin for my mom, they prepared everything already (pensions, bank accounts, funeral and burial expenses, insurances) dahil ayaw ng dad ko mahihirapan si mom when he's gone. He even stopped taking all his medications kasi daw dagdag gastos and nahihirapan daw lalo katawan nya. A few months before his death, his doctors even told us to let him do what he wants - smoking, lying in bed all day, etc - at wag na daw namin pigilan just because these are the remaining days of his life. Naaasar ako nun, I thought that was really stupid, para mo na ring pinadali buhay nya letting him smoke pa. But thats what made him happy, now ko lang naiisip yun.

We moved back to the house since it's just him and my mom there, nakadagdag din sa happiness nya (like mommynin8's son) ang time with my son. Sobra silang naging attached that nung comatose na sya sa hospital, we were shocked that when he heard my son's voice, nagising si dad and he was trying to stand up sa bed!

Like I said, we were not really close, but during his last few days, it took a lot of courage for me to ask forgiveness from him (nandaya pa ako kasi comatose na sya nun) and said I love you to him. That's the only time (first time) I can remember that I ever said those words to him. But after saying that, para akong nakawala sa napakalaking anger ko towards him! Lumuha nga si dad nung sinabi ko sa kanya yun

After that, I always told him I love you whenever we're with him, touching his hand, talking to him. Kahit nung nagising sya from coma before he died, wala na akong "hiya" to say i love you.

Haba na ng post ko, sorry Basta, show him and tell him how much you love him before it's too late. And do everything to make his passing through this life much easier

[sweetsweet]

And let me add that I also agree with sis aquacharly's post about telling your dad na hindi nyo pababayaan ang isa't isa when he's gone already.

And also if you're a catholic, let your dad receive the last sacraments before it's too late. Si dad before he died, meron syang mga kasama sa church who goes to the house and reads the bible to him to him, yung gospel and 1st readings

[nadialicious16]

ako din nakakarelate.magkasunod namatay ang lola at lolo ko.kami ang nag-aalaga noon nila mama kay lola,may diabetes pa sya.hindi sila in good terms ng lolo ko kasi may kinasamang iba.pero physically strong pa si lolo.sa dami ng komplikasyon ni lola,naisip namin na baka heto na.. lola asked my mom na iuwi sya sa hometown nya but my mom doesn't want too.hanggang sa na convince ko si mama na iuwi na nga lang sya sa province.we just spend time with lola,we let her eat kung ano man gusto nya kahit bawal.na kapag usap sila ng lolo ko at nakapag patawaran sa isa't isa we are so happy na they're back together.kaya nung mamatay si lola,may ngiti sa labi nya.and then the following week si lolo ang sumunod.yun ang di matanggap ng mama ko at ng mga kapatid nya kasi biglaan.nakakasad pero kailangan tanggapin.as much as possible or habang nasa tabi pa natin ang mga loved ones natin let us tell them na mahal na mahal natin sila.kasi kapag wala na at di natin nasabi yung gusto natin sabihin sa kanila parang may guilt..

[MigMaxMatt]

My mom died 2 days ago.  She had cancer which we thought was getting better.  While the tumor did shrink significantly, I think chemotherapy took a toll on her health.  She died peacefully in my brother's home in the US.  I thank God that she didn't have to suffer more had she been brought to the hospital for more resuscitations. We'll be flying over to see her before she gets cremated.  The reality of her death has not sunk in yet. Maybe not until I really get to see her body.

I try to do other things to get my mind over the pain of losing her.  It's just hard to control my feelings especially when I see her things around the house.  We knew death was inevitable, especially with her medical condition, but we weren't prepared to lose her so suddenly.  I take comfort in knowing that her death means she's now free from all her pain and suffering.

I'd like to think we did all we possibly could to help find a cure and to make her feel comfortable. But I still feel guilty thinking maybe I should've done more.  People have reassured us we have not been amiss with our care for her, but still...

I am also crying as I type.  I know it'll be more painful when I see her.  But we have to be strong for our dad.  I'd hate to see him cry...
 

[dovey]

sad... 

[aquacharly]

My husband, before his time, before the statistics indicate such things happen -- had a medical emergency in 2008. 
He is back to normal, good as new as they say... coz God guided me to go back home when I still had a lot of meetings lined up, and to act quickly to bring him to the emergency room.  It was God's will that the best doctor in the ER was just a few meters from me when I screamed -- thereafter, his life and mental condition hinged on the split-second action of the great ER team of Cardinal.

I took charge, and he survived.

With my brother.. hands off ako.
My mom controlled him, his kabit and family of illegitimate children.  His cancer treatment was not aggressively addressed from the start.
I failed him by respecting his privacy? 
My guilt is there because I know had I spoken up or taken an active interest in his condition years ago... he may still be alive today. 

My father, I saw him when he was in pain, waiting for the ambulance to rush him to the hospital.
I did not step in to take charge.
His medical care has been under the control of a sister and my mother alll these years.
I just found it too taxing to add on that burden of directing it all, over my normal load and concerns.  Kayo ang may time, pwes kayo run his medical schedule.
I took the backseat coz my mom is very opinionated, very demanding and my dad is very uncooperative.  I just did not want more drama in my life, on my schedule.
But I know, my dad was waiting for me to take charge ... as usual, as with most things that need hard decisions.
My guilt lies therein.

I did not take charge, up to the last night he was alive...
I let my mom run the show, depending on her great love for him to guide her... but then, the sad truth is that... love will not replace good judgment, clear thinking.
I should have stepped in and corrected the maling diskarte of sending him off to St Luke's.

What am I trying to say with all these cuentos that may bore some to tears?
Speak up when you have doubts about the diskarte or direction of a loved one's medical care.
Muster enough energy and tenacity to overrule, to argue, to fight it out ... basta convinced ka the loved one has a better chance with what you judge to be a better approach, a better treatment, or is the TIMELY intervention.
Importante, that a person's life is put into the hands of someone who does not get rattled, easily convinced, can think through emergencies -- when one's life is in the balance.   

i feel I failed my father by not taking charge of his last weeks... pinabayaan ko as usual my mom to run his life.
Coz for some years, I have tired of my strong-willed, tactless, exploitative  mom's ways.
He was asking for my help/intervention  when he cried while hugging me at my brother's wake -- he never cries... but I was just too busy with my own family schedule and concerns.

So there, I took it for granted we all had years together ahead of us, that my mother was still sharp enough to oversee him. 

So there... always be on your toes, always have a sharp mind.  Do not flinch from making hard decisions, do not step away from what is unsettling, unpleasant, and potentially confrontational.  A loved one's life and well being is at stake.  That is the important issue, that is all there is.

GWACIE, I hope you gain something useful from everything we share with you.

Take care of yourself.  God bless.

[hershey]

the thought of someone close to you  is sick is really hard.
when my sister told us that her heart ailment gone worst, i felt sad though she 's not actually dying but she might die if she won't be careful. i felt her pain when the doctor told her that she can't have a baby anymore, when she was already planning to get married.
every night i watched her sleep, i watched her breathing, i was so afraid that it would be the moment that she'll have her heart attack. i always  pray for a shorter night.

but still i lost her, not with her heart ailment but because of milenyo(2206 storm). it was so tragic. she died and i was saved. if i only knew that it would be the last night. i surely go home early and have dinner with her and watched with her a movie instead of sleeping early. it's so hurting, it's so painful. i can't mourn because i need to be strong for my family and to assist her wake.
 
i still miss her, i wish it didnt' happen.

sis just pray, it'll keep you stronger. spend time also with your dad. be strong para di sya masyado  magworry na maiiwan nya. just make him happy

[[-c-h-a-]]

My dad is also in this condition. At the moment, I have accepted it already.. but before, being the youngest and the only daughter, iyak ako ng iyak talaga kahit saan. Ayaw ko! I wasn't giving up! Ako pa yung taong never say never. Daddy's girl ako e!

Pray.. don't ask God questions. Ikaw lang maaapektuhan. He seldom answers Isipin mo that he will be in a much much better place than this.

Remember, kung hindi nagkasala sina Adam and Eve, we would all be in Paradise... so what do you call this earth? A punishment? Once he leaves, I know he will be in paradise and all of the pains he's experiencing will be rewarded by God. My Dad is a very very good man. My aunts mas nahihirapan and hindi matanggap that he IS going soon. Some of them, nawalan na ng faith kay God.. bakit daw nangyari kay Dad ito na sobrang bait na tao. I tell them, maybe God needs more allies in his side They ask me, bakit daw hinahayaan mangyari kay Dad na masaktan ng sobra sobra... I tell them, I'm sure Jesus experienced more pain and suffering on the cross before he left. They cry and they hug me and they thank me for the wise words daw.

At night, I tell Jesus na I'm ready for Dad to join him and I will try my best for my Dad's relatives to accept and to understand. Na ako na ang bahala.

In our family, I am the toughest one. And this just reaffirms it. Ako yun baby of the family, and yet I'm the one na pinaka nagdadala ng lahat

My Dad is going on a well deserved holiday soon. We will miss him of course, most especially ako! But I will take comfort in the thought na he WILL be happier there than he ever was here! Super happy I'm sure

[honey_iya]

Nakakaiyak naman. Maysakit din kasi Mom ko

[kutingpie]

siguro kahit anong kahanda ng family, emotionally ang hirap nito..my father died of heart attack, ni walang senyales para makapaghanda or i-prepare ang para sa kanya at sa amin..but we managed through prayers and time.

i saw him in my dreams..he's in a good place na so somehow, it lessen the pain..masaya at tahimik na siya.

[MigMaxMatt]

^honey_iya, you are so lucky to still have her with you...  just show her how much you love her.  Make every day special.  Give her a hug every chance you get... I miss hugging my mom 

[gwacie]

Thank you everyone.

We're at a standstill with my dad since he does not believe in modern medicine and being pumped with all sorts of drugs to survive. No matter how many times my mother and I would beg him to have a checkup, he really refused. We've been fighting over it for months, and he has conceded to visit a doctor friend of his. However, this doctor is an EENT and not a lung specialist so he's out of his element here. The doctor was shocked at how white the x-rays were and how filled with fluid his lungs are. We tried to get my Dad to see a specialist, but he put his foot down and said that he wanted to die on his own terms and with dignity. It hurts that he refuses to get the treatment we know he needs, but I'm so tired of fighting and am wondering if it is time to respect his wishes.

Meanwhile I am hearing from friends of my mother's how she would cry with them, but never in front of me. It is hard on all of us. I am doing my best to be the strong one in the family since my parents are elderly and my brother is far away. We don't have any relatives here in Mindanao, and my father was an only child, so it's really just us. Sometimes I can't talk with my friends about this because although they are sympathetic, they do not understand what I am going through yet. My brother and I were adopted by my parents when they were already past 50, so my dad is a lot older than their parents - he's 82. So I am really thankful to you here in GT.

I don't know how long my dad has, months or I hope years, but I know I'm blessed to have him with me as long as I have and have the chance to make the most of what time he has left. I just pray that we will be able to get through this.

[honey_iya]

^^Yun ang ayaw ko yung biglaan

Brother ko namatay 9 years ago, pero 1-2 nights before nakapagusap pa kami sa phone, nasa mindoro sya that time dun sya nagwo-work. nasa bus ako papasok ng work ng tumawag tita ko para sabihin na patay na kuya ko. shocked sobra, tulala...di ko alam saan ako pupunta pagbaba ng bus. ang masaklap pa, nung una sabi bangungot daw..tapos yun pala nilason daw yung father ko di matanggap, as in yung naka display na santo sa bahay namin, binasag. mom ko naman, sana daw nung baby palang kinuha na kung kukunin din lang naman. as in shocked talaga kasi kami. pero eventually natanggap din naman namin.

[kutingpie]

^sis honey, pray for your brother sis kahit matagal na siya wala..(as i am typing now, sino naman kaya itong may initials na JRB..hmmm)

[honey_iya]

^^^Sis, malayo ako sa family ko. nasa leyte sila, andito ako kasi andito hubby & daughter ko.

Hindi talaga kami close kasi 6yo palang ako, lola't lolo ko na nagalaga sa akin. sobrang andami kong sama ng loob sa parents ko but still kapag kelangan nila ako lalo financially di ko sila mahindian. nitong maysakit nga sya, sister ko lang nagsabi sa akin kasi ayaw daw sabihin ng mama ko kasi nakakahiya baka isipin ko daw hihingi na naman ng pera pero nagpadala padin ako kahit di nanghingi. ang layo na ng hitsura niya ngayon, sobrang payat kasi. muntik na kasi siya maanod sa bahay nung bumagyo last June. dun nag start pagbagsak ng katawan niya. lately madalas na kami magusap sa phone. sabi niya magaling naman na daw siya. punta nga daw sila dito this coming december for my daughter's 7th birthday hopefully maging OK na talaga health nya. bigla lang ako nalungkot nung nabasa ko post mo sis about your mom

[annie19]

Pray and be strong. Tama rin na you are spending more time
with your Dad and be able to show him how much you love him... ako kasi too late na.
My father died June last year... he had a brain injury April 2009. The moment the doctors saw his CT Scan result they told us that they can't assure us if he'll be able to survive, but they'll do whatever they can...My father was trying to survive (I told him to fight), I was always talking to him while holding his hand.. He was in comma for almost 2 months. . until he finally gave in.. I was really sad because i wasn't able to show him how much I love him when he was still around, he won't able to see me walk down the aisle and have his APO... i always cry every time I remember him..
This is the most difficult part of my life...  losing my father with regrets.... 

[babywaby]

when i watch movies about dying, i always think, how am i gonna cope with it. and they ill pray to God not to take away any of my loved ones because i dont know how to cope with the loss. i cant imagine life without my kids and husband, parents and siblings. i am just not ready for it. for Gwacie and the others who are trying hard to spend time with a dying loved one, i pray for your personal strength, stronger faith, comfort for the sick and healing from our meciful Father in heaven.