Warning this is a long post. Please forgive me for posting this as I dont have someone to talk to and I need to vent it out or else I don't know.
I am feeling this again, I just used to ignore this. Here's my story. I was a happy person way back in highschool. Positive thinker. i had this bf ( we were still together and 11 years now and still counting and will get married this year as well ) he cheated on me when I was in high school and we were only 2 years back then. ( take notem pinaglaban ko siya sa family ko that time, una palang sinubok na relasyon namin and we manage to be legal on both sides) he cheated on me for a year and I knew it I just didnt believe myself that he can do that to me, he was saying to the girl that we already broke up when in fact hindi naman talaga and sabi naman niya sakin naghahabol lang daw yung girl or may gusto sa knya so hindi namin alam both, ganon sitwasyon ko in a year na lagi may nang aaway saken araw araw, takot ako magbukas ng friendster, may mga new pics sila, ( edited daw pero totoo pala yun) Imagine how worst my life at that time. We broke up and after 2 months we managed to be together again. Forgave him and all, Honest to God I already forgave him but the pain is still there, though pag napagkwentuhan namin, tawanan nalang, pero deep inside masakit parin parang fresh, Pero hindi ko siya inaaway, kasi I already forgave him na.
So here's my present situation. After that I became a lonely and empty person, though mafeel mo yung happiness when you're with other and with him pero when you are alone. Malungkot ka na naman, Naging magagalitin ako over the years, Unti unti ako nadetach sa mga friends ko and now sa kanya nalang umiikot mundo ko, unlike him na he has a lot of friends, so whenever niyaya niya ako somewhere to meet his friends sabi ko ayaw ko siya nalang, ending hindi na siya nagpupunta, Nagagalit ako even small things, hirap na hirap ako controlin emotions ko, sabi ko magbabago ako, yet di ko magawa I hate myself, Minsan hindi na lang niya ako kinakausap kaya mas lalo ako nadedepress and kung ano ano naiisip ko. Natatako ako magsawa siya ng ganon, Hindi ko masabi saknya nararamdaman ko kasi hindi nya maiintindihan, I tried before pero feeling ko iniisip niya arter ko lang . Happy ako, pero parang kulang, may emptiness, i dont feel i am loved, na mahalaga ako, nakukulangan ako, pero alam ko pinapakita naman niya lahat, nasa akin lang ang problem,
I am an under achiever, I was an achiever way back in college and now nagsesettle ako sa current work ko because of high salary even no growth. I had a lot of failures, money mistake, to give you an idea maybe I already lost around less than 300k in different investments, and lahat yun sa akin ang sisi niya, i feel so down everytime naiisip ko yun, Feeling ko ang bobo ko, ang hina hina ko, I am hopeless, helpless, lonely, empty, pagod na pagod na ako sa life ko, to struggle sa work every day, I have ovarian cyst, type 2 prediabetic ba yun, I am obese, hayst. sa life na ito, wala ako magawa to change it, sometimes suicide seems to be appealing talaga, you can't say na just move on, be happy, think positive, that's not an option. I am loved by my fiance naman and family pero hindi ko maramdaman and nakukulangan ako di ko na alam kung bakit at kung ano need nila gawin, napapagod na ako sa ganito, lagi ko sinasabi sa kanya pag nag aaway kami napapagod na ako, sa lahat, sa sitwasyon na ito, andami ko nasasabi saknya ang bibig ko kung ano ano lumalabas, minumura ko siya, sinasabihan walang kwenta, mamatay na siya and everything, feeling ko na emotional abuse ko siya, pero okay lang saknya, tahimik lang siya, di ko alam nasa isip niya, kaya pag hindi ako kinakausap paranoid ako, bothered, I am praying to God, sana matapos na ito, ayoko ng ganitong pakiramdam, though focus padin naman ako sa ginagawa ko, i need to, fault finding sa work namin eh, even white lies niya galit na galit ako, I dont see myself as mabait anymore, lalo saknya, hanggang dito nalang muna at hindi ko na maorganize ang thoughts ko,