Abused Women Support Group: Verbal, Physical, Emotional

[queenkiss]

Hi mga SIS! Ako din nakaranas na ng Physical at Emotional Abuse from my husband.Recently lang to... meron lang ako nagawang mali at iyun ay ang mkapagwithdraw ng sobrang 500 lang naman sa savings namin. kung ano ano na ang sinabi nya sakin. no need to elaborate kung ano ang mga pinagsasabi nya sakin. kasi ako wala sakin ang pera, kung meron ako ubos ubos biyaya sakin. lahat ng kelangan nila ng anak ko binibigay ko. kahit nga wala na ko basta sila meron ok lang. di ko sinasabi na sana ganun sya sakin pero sana kung meron akong maliit na pagkakamali tulad nun sana wag na nyang gawin na big deal. because wala na naman talagang big deal diba? it's only 500 Pesos. lagi nya kong tinatakot na humanda daw ako pag uwi. lagi nya kong minumura, masyado nya kong di-nidegrade na di naman dapat. Feeling ko tuloy wala ba kong nagawang tama sa kanya? Boba daw ako, t****... siguro nga t**** ko talaga kasi pumatol ako sa isang undergrad ng highschool. while me i finished my college, have a stable job. i even sacrificed pa nga my work for him. company policy kasi yun na di pwede kaming magkasama sa ibang company, pero since na nakatapos naman ako ako na ang umalis sa ofis namin kasi madali naman ako makakahanap ng work. like now meron na ulit akong job. pag nag aaway kami lagi syang nanakit. may times pa nga na pinalalayas nya ko sa haus nmin.at ang pinakamabigat nagkaroon pa sya ng mistress na officemate nya. I am not a perfect wife but im trying to be good. Minsan di ko na matiis gusto ko na umuwi sa family ko. pero how naman? nahihiya ako sa family kodahil alam ko na di na ko pbabablikin pa sa kanya once na umuwi na ko. kaya hangga't maari i still want to work it out pa.  Minsan di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Please enlighten me me naman...

thanks mga sis!!!

[Paulo]

Hello Queenkiss,

Have you tried opening the subject to your husband? Have you tried citing that although he may have a reason(s) to get mad, calling his wife names isn't only ill effective in solving the problem but more importantly Hurts you?

Money, Other Women, are just two of the many stuff married people fight about. Especially Money Matters. It usually causes heated arguments and is a popular reason to break-up. So since such conflicts are difficult to avoid, what we can do is find ways and means to manage the conflict.

I say, talk about it. Tell him how much it hurts and how it isn't even necessary. Tell him that you can fight in a less "Degrading" way naman eh. No need for name calling and the insults. Demand for it if at all you get a chance to. If he just has anger management issues and isn't Abusive (yet), he may just hear you out. Malay mo?

Try that first. Good luck!

[trinity94]

points to ponder:

1. walang matinong lalaki ang nambubugbog ng asawa... at walang matinong babae ang nagpapabugbog sa kanyang asawa...

2. masakit sa mga anak na nakikitang nag-aaway ang kanilang mga magulan, pero mas malalim ang sugat sa mga bata pag nakita nilang hindi marunong lumaban ang kanilang ina...

do you know that mothers have the most impact in the behavior of their kids?...

[scorpiowolf]

well... from my last post.

Ex-husband is really crazy! Called me to tell me and admit that he made the STD issue up. He said daw that he did feel symptoms and go to the doctor 2 Mondays ago.

DUH, He called me on the Sunday night before that to announce that he has STD which he got DAW from me (wc is impossible he since weve had no contact for 5 weeks then) bec he went to a doctor 2 weeks prior to that who administered a test which he will supposedly get on Monday the next day. Turns out he was LYING!!! He hasnt even been to the doctor YET. And had no idea if he was even positive for STD (which im sure he has anyway). Bwisitttttttt all he wanted to do was to make me gulo!!! 

Arggggghhhhhhhh he really is CRAZY!!!!!!!!! Imagine making up stories just to make me suffer. I mean Im sure he did get an STD scare. But the least he couldve done was do all the tests and checkup before blaming me. Kapal! It just shows whatkind of person he is.

Ako pa ang sinisi. Why doesnt he blame his dirty one night stands. Besides its IMPOSSIBLE he got it from me bec nga at that point I havent even had contact with him for more than a month. The STD he mentioned had an incubation period of only 2-5 and up to 14 days for symptoms to appear.

I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!

[Paulo]

^
Manipulation is one of the tactics abusers are known for. It doesn't matter if it is the truth or not. So as long as they can find something worth hurting/scaring/degrading you with, they'll use it and keep using it to break you down. It's an emotional attack. Imagine, you very well know that you weren't the one who gave him the alleged disease, but the simple fact that he pointed the finger at you does three things :

1) It questions your fidelity
2) It questions your character
3) It gauges how much hold he still has on you

Your husband is Manipulative. That's not late-breaking news anymore. And just like a determined, horny lover who'd settle for text-sex when he can't physically have real sex with his girl, your husband would settle for Emotional Abuse since he can't give you the Physical Beatings anymore.

Get over the hatred and start concentrating on your progress.

Good luck Scorpiowolf.

[marianne1413]

Hi, matagal na ako dito sa gt, pero ngayon ko lang nabasa itong topic on VAW (Violence Against Women)...

Why a sudden interest? I had become a victim too... from: not yet a husband, but a boyfriend (pwedeng iconsider na live-in partner because he stayed at my place for 3 months), just recently, a month ago lang nangyari....
and everything that happened is still painful for me... Though the bruises are no longer visible, i am still bleeding til now emotionally and I know that psychologically it affects me too. It was the second time actually that he hurt me... the first 1 I tried to forget and forgive him after naming magkabati muli. I never thought it will happen again because we've been very much inlove and romantically into each other until we had a small fight a month ago. Lumala pa nung nakipaghiwalay ako na hindi nya matanggap, then he accused me of seeing/contacting my ex-bf, that i am not loyal to him and to our relationship. Then at that night, he hurt me physically, verbally insulted me and my family, and a lot more... akala ko nga mapapatay nya ako that night, nung makalabas ako, tumawag ako ng guard sa labas para palabasin sya... hindi pa siya lumabas agad kahit na nakikita nya akong nahihirapan na sa sakit at gusto ko nang mawala sya sa paningin ko. After an hour pa bago siya totally lumabas ng unit ko... The guard asked me kung gusto ko raw sya ipabarangay at that time, because they saw my bruises, but im in a confused state at that time, gusto ko lang na umalis sya at magkulong na lang ako sa room ko because my whole body was at pain... at masakit lahat ng mga binitawan nyang mga salita sa akin...

after 3 days pa lang ako nakalabas after that incident, and my friends advised me to report the case sa police station. Then I had my bruises checked by a doctor for a cert. medico legal and filed a case against him...

Masakit ang lahat ng nangyari, i still cry heavily at night thinking about it all. Ang masakit pa sa lahat ay mahal ko pa rin siya sa kabila ng lahat ng ginawa nya sa akin. Although i promised to myself na hindi na ako makikipagbalikan pa sa kanya, anuman ang mangyari... kahit na mahal ko parin sya...

Tapos ang bagal pala ng usad ng kaso kapag nagfile ka ng case. sabi ng pulis, i need to wait 2-4 months bago makatanggap kami pareho ng subpoena... Ang tagal... It's like they're prolonging more my agonies... I cant move on waiting for that long... Hindi rin pala ganun kadali ang pagsampa ng demanda... I cant move on with my life now because of this. lagi ko na lang iniisip ang nangyari, at kung ano pa ang maaaring mangyari... I have a lot of worries... To the point that when i reflected and prayed, i was given the sign to just forget him and forgive him... I dont know what to do know, IM at lost...

Nakapagfile na ako ng case against him... to redeem myself sa ginawa nya sa akin...
kaso ang tagal ng proseso... i cant move on...
sa tagal... unti-unti nawawala na ang galit ko sa kanya...
baka kapag nagkaharap kami uli sa korte after how many months, i've totally forgiven him...

May sense pa bang ituloy ko ang laban na ito kung mangyari man yun?

I really dont know what to do...

[diwata]

Marianne1413 ~ I do not know how it works but file a Temporary Restraining Order yata ang tawag doon, iyong the person is forbidden to get near you ng within 50 meters away ata para hindi na siya makalapit ng walang hassle sayo.

[scorpiowolf]

Wow Paulo! You hit the nail on it head big time. Absolutely correct!!!!

Thanks for that. Actually, very true that he just wanted to hurt me after bruising his ego again, by dumping him. And off all things to accuse me, he knows that this will hurt the most.

You, as well as aquacharly and the other sisses are really a great help to me.

[scorpiowolf]

sis trinity: youre right in saying that we shouldnt take the statements of our abuser so seriously. Easier said than dine though and I still get shocked at how nasty his words are and how degraded he still makes me feel.

However, now I know better. I get hurt yes, but after I KNOW deep down that hes simply saying things to hurt me deliberately. Unlike before where id take everything sooooo seriously. And whats worse is that I would blame myself for his unjust behavior.

Thanks sis! Glad to hear you are doing much better now. Sarap ng feeling when you see how far youve come. In my case I had a relapse, but im working double time now to get back on track emotinally

[marianne1413]

Marianne1413 ~ I do not know how it works but file a Temporary Restraining Order yata ang tawag doon, iyong the person is forbidden to get near you ng within 50 meters away ata para hindi na siya makalapit ng walang hassle sayo.

The police at the Women's Desk also mentioned that to me. Kaso nga lang, kapag nasa judge na raw or piskal ang kaso, saka lang pwedeng magrequest nun... feeling ko nga wala pa sa kanila e... That's why I have to wait for months... Good thing, hindi naman na sya nanggugulo... Except for some text weeks ago saying sorry to me and that he misses me etc etc... Of course hindi ko pinapansin na... Though i admit, with my current feeling to him na andito pa rin, natetempt ako na sagutin mga text at calls nya... PinagbabawAlan lang ako ng mga friends ko...

[sistah!]

^ sis marianne1413, your story is quite similar to my ordeal. i had a boyfriend who was very abusive. he started by calling me names, dragging me around and just pushing me around. as the relationship progressed, his violent tendencies did too. he started punching, slapping, kicking. at one point, he pushed me down the stairs and tried to strangle me. but i kept coming back to him. i kept blaming myself for the fights, my friends and my family were constantly in tears begging me to leave him. grabe talaga. the first few months after the breakup were tough because i got lonely and sad. tapos he kept harassing me. tawag ng tawag, nakatayo sa gitna ng gabi sa labas ng bahay namin, hinaharang kotse ko bigla sa kalye at sinasabihan ako na papatayin nya ako.

pina-blotter ko sya at well, medyo tinakot ko din. matagal kasi makakuha ng TRO so kinuntsaba ko na lang mga kilala ko na lawyers na tumawag sa bahay nila at sinabihan na may TRO na ako laban sa kanya. marami pa akong pinarating sa nanay nya at pagkatapos nun, medyo nabawasan na ang ginagawa nya hanggang sa may naging girlfriend na syang iba at tinigilan na nya ako. balita ko binubugbog nya rin yung girlfriend nya ngayon.

[trinity8]

I just read this over the internet and wanted to share it with the others who are in relationships that seem so hopeless.  It gave me strength, I hope it does the same thing for you too. 

The Two Faces Of Love
by Pauline Hamblin
Love has two faces
This I surely know
Which one I see today
I don't rightly know.

At times it is so beautiful,
Makes me feel complete.
Other times it can be vicious,
I often times get beat

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If love would never go
To that dark and dangerous place,
A place I do dread so.

Settle for the happy times,
They are far and few.
I must wake up and leave this man
While alive, and still in view.

[marianne1413]

Update sa case ko... 1 month na since i gave my statement sa Women's desk ng PNP, hindi pa pala nailakad when I followed it up... Grabe, I've been worried for almost a month, expecting na anytime ay darating na ang subpoena ko at maghaharap na din kami ng ex kami sa wakas, sa korte, after that painful incident. TApos malaman-laman ko na hindi pa pala umuusad ang kaso. Kung hindi ko pa kinumusta yung pulis na may hawak ng kaso ko, hindi ko malalaman na nasa kanila pa pala yung file ko at hindi pa naieendorse sa Fiscal at provincial prosecutor...

Grabe, gusto ko nang makalimot, magmoveon at matapos na itong emotional and psychological stress na dulot ng mga nangyaring ito sa akin... Kaso hindi ako makamove on na ganito... tumatagal ang usad ng kaso, mas tumatagal ang paghihirap ng loob ko ... Gusto ko na sana ipatigil na lang ang kaso, but my family and friends keeps on telling me to continue with my fight to regain back my dignity and self worth na nawala because of what my ex did to me...

Ang hirap pala ng ganito... I can't decide well whether to move on and stop the case... or continue fighting for my right and dignity in a legal way...

I need some advise mga sisters...

[sistah!]

^i say pursue it pa rin but don't bank on the law being quick to act on it. basta was mo i-pull out yung kaso mo. make sure that you write everything down para pagdating ng subpoena at kailangan kayo magharap, alam mo lahat ng details.

in the meantime, try to move on na rin by involving yourself with friends, activities, and dont forget to pray. alam mo sis, ako nga dati akala ko talaga wala na akong pag-asa maging happy pero ive been blessed with a better life than i ever expected. kaya mo yan.

[sweety_paige]

What should be the first thing to be done ba pag hubby hurt you physically?

[Paulo]

^
Protect yourself and when the smoke clears, talk to him about it and Demand that it doesn't happen again. State clearly that you're not going to put up with it again. Don't allow him to be comfortable with the "violent solution" he exhibited nor should you settle for a passive stand at accepting the beatings.

Addressing the problem early could save your relationship. It is therefore necessary for the two of you to discuss the problem and reflect on how and why it came to that point (that it became violent). That will help you avoid such a scenario or at the very least, give you a glimpse of what sets him off.

Such a discussion MAY also give him a clearer view of what he has done and what he is capable of doing when in rage/mad/hurt/angry. If at all he plans to avoid being a violent husband to his wife, discussing counter measures to prevent an ordinary husband and wife misunderstanding or heated argument from turning into a Slug-Fest is necessary.

Enlisting the help of a Pro should also be better. Of course that will have to come later. Usually, couples are better off initially discussing it between the two of them. Guys with Temper/Anger Issues more often turn more defensively aggressive when it's a 3rd party that calls their attention. A 3rd party Pro is best introduced when either 1) Nothing gets into the thick head of the wife-beater Or ...... 2) You are already working on a solution and already need a more methodical approach at preventing the violence from happening again, or it's aftermath from haunting your relationship.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

[sweety_paige]

^Yup it helps, thanks

[pinkchilli]

mga sis first thing first GET A LAWYER, better yet get a matandang dalaga na lawyer. yung mga feminist na manhater.

my friend tried yung diretso sa PNP agad after ng fight nila ng hubby nya, naku aabutan talaga ng 48 years yung kaso if complaint lang ginawa mo dun.

Buti nalang may isang pulis dun who advised us to get medico legal sa mga hospital they'll check yung mga bruises na na acquire mo from the bugbog then picture picture tapos find a lawyer.

Ang mga pulis ang sarap paguntugin when the lawyer arrives lahat sila natataranta na kanya kanyang hugas kamay agad, kung di pa dumating the atty ha. isang araw lang nasa fiscal na case within a week 1st hearing agad.

yun nga lang it's magastos pero you can ask din na ipacharge sa hubby the expenses noh and damages done.

[scorpiowolf]

Hi everyone! I just want to update people here who have been there, listened, and gave support when I needed it the most.

I just want to say that WHEW! Life is good for me now. I have been enjoying going out with my friends. Spending time with my son and taking him out too. And yes, I have been dating hehe

I noticed that I my progress was fast tracked when one day shortly before Christmas, I saw a picture of my husband with a girl on facebook. Yes, I dd get hurt and I did cry a bit. But after that, for the FIRST time... I prayed to God to take away all my anger and biitterness towards my ex.

And just like that... Its sounds ssssoooooo cliche but it felt like all theis weight was literally being pulled out of my chest. From then on, everything has been going uphill for me.

Now, I try not to see my ex like the bastard he was to me. I sincerely wish the best for him and hope he is happy. We both avoid talking to each other unless absolutely necessary. I try to be fair and respectful in dealing with him and I never give him a hard time if he wants to see his son.

What also helped is that I forced myself to LET GO of a LOT of the issues  I had. RE: separation of property in upcoming annulment and thatg hes been stashing our cash away or hiding them in investments, and moving around our property. I told myself... di bale na. Sa kanya na yung pera basta magkaroon lang ako something to start my life again with. The rest is his. I don't want to be "madamot" and worry myself about fighting for every single peso I am entitled to. It just makes me miserable, and ruins my vibe.

Also, I LET GO also of reacting or getting affected by his affairs. After all it is none of my business, just as mine is to him. The true test of it was that I was out and I bumped into him and his current fling/gf. They were in a group. I simply left the place with my group. I FELT so good that I didnt even feel anything. Plus I was sorta on a date that night hehe and was more preoccupied on the guy and his friends, than about my ex-husband and that girl of his. Another time, my husband saw me out on another date. I simply and quietly, left the place with my date after seeing my ex and all his friends by the bar. I am so thankful that so far hes not giving me problems about my dating, or stalking me like he used to. I guess hes happy now with his life (and maybe stalking someone else? hahaha) and I just feel good about it.

I feel more alive than I have been in a looooong time. I am satisfied with my husband being a good dad to my son still. I love being a mom still. I am enjoying making new friends. I am no way going to get into a relationship, but yes I do enjoy entertaining suitors again.  I was so happy just last week I told my friend that for the FIRST TIME I feel completely happy, and confident in separating with my husband. I felt that all the pain I had to endure in freeing myself from that abusive relationship was really WORTH IT. I have many more struggles to overcome and a lot or things to straighten out in my life. I know I can do it though. If I survived leaving an abusive relationship, (after all the stalking, stress, drama) I think Ill have the guile to survive anything! =)

GIRLS listen up. LIFE is really too good and too short to live in misery and fear.   

[virgogirl98]

my husband is a compulsive gambler! sa abroad sya nagwowork at walang pinapadalang pera sa akin! last year for 5 months di sya nagpadala ng pera kaya ako nagpakahirap umutang ng pambayad sa monthly amort. ng bahay namin na 20k a month. kasi inasahan ko yung pangako nya na may iuuwi syang pera pero nung umuwi naman 5k pesos lang ang dalang pera! 10 months sya nagwork sa abroad tas 5k lang ang uwing pera? napaamin ko na kaya ganon kasi naubos sa kakasugal! ubod pa ng sinungaling! pagkatapos ko naghirap na sumagot lahat ng pangangailangan nya bago umalis tas eto ngayon 2 months ng di nagpapadala at wala man lang text o tawag! delayed na naman kami sa pambayad sa bahay at wala na akong pera. pati yung needs ng baby namin pinanghihiram ko a lang din. sobra na ginagawa nya sa akin, panay pangako tas di naman natutupad. 2 years ago nga sinanla nya ang wedding ring at relo nya para lang mkapansugal pero pinagbigyan ko pa rin sya kahit na ako ang tumubos ng wedding ring at relo nya dahil inasahan ko ang pangako nya na di na mauulit. pero ngayon sawang sawa na ako parang di ko na kaya talaga ang ginagawa nya sa kin!