Current Situation - need your POV/Advice!

[fifi_girl]

Hello fellow GT's!

Di ko na din kase talaga alam kung anong gagawin sa situation namin ngayon.

My child's father and I separated for more or less 3 years. Then last February, we decided to give it another try. We rented out a condo para nga dun na kami magsama. But we cannot find someone who can look after a child (who's already in school). So we decided na mag-stay nalang kami ng anak ko sa Parents ko (which has always been the set-up, since naghiwalay kami). Yung BF ko, galit sa family ko, so hindi talaga siya nagpupunta sa bahay namin since we got back together. So what we did is, every weekend dun kami ng anak ko sa condo, then we go back to my parent's house on Sunday afternoon, kase may pasok na school yung bata ng Monday. I can say that this set-up, naging okay naman kami.

Lately, naging malamig na naman siya sa akin. Last weekend, nag-usap kami, bumabalik na naman yung issue niya na mag-isa lang daw siya. Na hindi ko daw alam kung anong ginagawa ko sa kanya. That he tried to make things work with me, but its not really working out. I tried to explain to him na syempre gusto ko din na magkasama kami.

I even gave him what choices we have right now, like:
*Subukan ulit humanap ng yaya para sa anak namin
*I will try to stay and sleep sa condo between the week, pero paano naman yun anak namin?

All of which, his answer is "hindi ko alam"

I asked him straight kung maghihiwalay na ba kami ulit, he said nothing.
I asked him again kung ako lang ba ang may problema dito, dahil hindi ko maibigay yung gusto nya, he just said, hindi daw niya alam... baka daw siya ang may problema dahil madami syang hinihingi.

Mga Sis, im so tired. Alam ko sa sarili ko na ginagawa ko na lahat para maging maayos kami. Pero para sa kanya, kulang pa din. Dahil siguro yung gusto niya talaga, hindi ko maibigay. Pagod na pagod na ko

[J.warner]

1st, parang di naman tama na galit sya sa family mo- considering may anak sya sayo, dapat matuto sya magpakumbaba at makisama. Set aside nya pride nya para makita ng anak nyo na maganda sya example if he gets along well with your family.

2nd, it seems di rin tama na sasabihin nya ?di ko alam?, ilang taon na ba sya? Parang immature ng ganyang mindset, as a family man he should have atleast concrete plans for you guys as a family regardless if kasal kayo or not. It seems gusto lang nya makasama kayo in one place because hes probably sad and need companion, nevertheless it seems hes still not ready to raise a family.

[ficklemind]

sis fifi, medyo nasubaybayan ko story mo here sa GT, nagkabalikan pala kayo! pero eto na naman,  same issue lang din ramdam ko na yung pagod mo.

parang ganyan din dati diba, pero sa province with his family naman yung setup.

[fifi_girl]

^isa ka pala sa nakasubaybay noon.
Well, naging okay naman talaga. Tapos eto naman ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung factor din ba na he is in a lot of stress because he recently moved to a new job? Parang dun kase nagsimula na manlamig siya sa akin nung malapit na sya lumipat ng work.

I tried asking him what does he want to happen, wala din maisagot.
I just told him that if letting him go will make things better for him, then i'll let him go. If giving him the chance to find someone else who can give him what he wants, hahayaan ko siya. Hindi na naman siya sumagot, which is very annoying.

[Acetylcholine]

Why not sis asked mo sya if sya ang nasa sitwasyon mo? Ilagay nya kamo yung sarili nya sa sitwasyon mo anong masasuggest nya? And I agree na dapat maging civil man lang sya sa family mo kahit hindi na maging closed.

Baka nga stressed sya pero hindi reason yun dapat meet kayo half way hindi yung wala sya masuggest.

[fifi_girl]

^Hay naku sis, knowing him, sasabihin lang ulit nya na hindi niya alam pag tinanong ko yan.

It was his birthday yesterday. I texted him to greet him and also tried to call him, hindi sumasagot. So deadma na ko. I just sent him a video of my child singing Happy Birthday for him.

Nakakapagod na. Sobra.

[glamorosa_09]

Nasubaybayan ko rin ito...

Yung issue niyo rin sa province, gusto nya magkasama kayo at samahan mo sya sa business. Eh baka yun talaga gusto nya, magsama kayo sa isang bubong, yung wala nang pagtira kung saan man. Just like what other families do, naka settle lang talaga sa isang home together. Parang ito struggle niyo. What do other families do ba with school kids so that they live with their parents, don't have to alternate with grandparents, and the mom and dad live together? Usually they either find a yaya/relative or the mom stays at home. Reason na ba ito ng hiwalayan?

At tska kung kaya niyo, I suggest magmarriage counseling kayo for added relationship and communication skills lalo na for him. Sa communication nandito yung you air out your feelings/problems/thoughts, nandito rin yung solving the problem or compromise. Hirap kasi pag naghuhulaan.

Anyway, pag nasettle niyo na yang issue nyang ayaw nyang naiiwan mag-isa, and then equipped kayo with relationship skills, tapos magulo pa rin pagsasama niyo, eh maybe time to discern.

[simang]

Naalala ko rin story ni TS. Parang back to old issues nga.

Alam mo, sa totoo lang, I kind of understand how your husband feels. Yung stuck ka sa something na hindi ka naman masaya, and you don't feel you belong. Sa totoo lang, mahirap mastuck sa ganyang situation. I don't know you or your husband but I feel like he's still discovering who he really is, alam mo yun. Sadly, sa bilis ng buhay, parang ain't nobody got time for that ano. Kelangan kumita, kelangan magdesisyon. Wala ng oras magpabebe.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam kung anong advice ang pwede ko ibigay. I have a feeling that your husband will make it big, somehow. Maybe hindi ngayon, maybe not soon, but somehow, he'll be someone. Hindi ko alam, parang sa personality nya, he couldn't stay put dahil may hinahanap syang gusto nyang gawin sa buhay. He hasn't found it yet so he settles sa pagiging empleyado, or pagtatayo ng maliit ng negosyo. But once he finds it, sa katigasan ng ulo nya, I think he'll do anything it takes. Sa panahon ngayon, bihira na yung ganun kastubborn eh.

To help you decide, tanungin mo lang ang sarili mo -- what do you want? Yung para sa yo lang, not for your kid, not for your husband. Yung ikaw lang. Do you want to stay with him? Do you see your future with him? Be completely honest. If you say ayaw mo na at pagod ka na, then be it, move on with your life and take care of your kid. If you decide to stay, then stay and be there for him 100%. Hindi pwedeng half hearted, or the same issues will come up eventually.

[glamorosa_09]

what do you want? Yung para sa yo lang, not for your kid, not for your husband. Yung ikaw lang. Do you want to stay with him? Do you see your future with him?

In relation to this, since madalas madawit ang parents mo in your relationship conflict, I'm curious if you have individuated already from your parents and family-of-origin.

A person who has psychologically individuated has the ability and confidence to form opinions and make decisions that could evoke disapproval and displeasure from the parents. In marriage, this person can stand by (team up) with his/her partner. They can then put healthy boundaries between their family life and the parents as autonomous couple.

However, if the parents' opinion or pleasure weighs more than the partner's, then this pattern is a very potent cause of separation between partners. Being in the middle of your parents and your partner will not work, you have to choose to whom your loyalty belongs. Otherwise, you can't make it with anyone without them having resentment toward you and your family.

Choose your parents if, objectively speaking, he has a bad track record -- for instance drugs, womanizing, abusive, etc. Maybe, you shouldn't have reconciled with him or chose him in the first place.  Choose your relationship if you think they are just being prejudiced about your partner -- for example mahirap sya, hindi tapos ng pag-aaral (pero responsable naman), may ugali (what kind of ugali lahat naman tayo may ugali).

Tingin ko naman you really want this relationship to work since you reconciled with him at isa pa yata ito sa ipinagdasal mo. It's just maybe there's something stopping you from 100% choosing your partner and doing the thing that will serve your relationship. Wala naman masama kahit ano piliin mo, just decide whether you are hot or cold, you cannot be lukewarm. Sabi nga ni sis simang you cannot be half-hearted.

[forumera]

^Hay naku sis, knowing him, sasabihin lang ulit nya na hindi niya alam pag tinanong ko yan.

It was his birthday yesterday. I texted him to greet him and also tried to call him, hindi sumasagot. So deadma na ko. I just sent him a video of my child singing Happy Birthday for him.

Nakakapagod na. Sobra.

ah nag birthday, minsan ako kapag malapit na birthday ko bigla ako nalulungkot kasi may mga bagay/pangarap/wants ako na hindi naabot, tapos yung current situation ko pa parang kulang ganun, halo halo emotions bigla bigla kaya siguro past few days/weeks biglang di na niya alam ano isasagot sayo, or baka alam niya pero ayaw na lang niya sabihin kasi for sure di naman mangyayari, yung pag uugatan lang ng pagtatalo niyo, minsan ako ganun, alam na alam ko isasagot ko sinasabi ko nalang "wala" hehe pero ako kasi sooner or later nasasabi ko rin parang tinitimpla ko muna yung mood ng pagsasabihan ko.

kung kaya mo mag resign so that magkasama sama kayo try mo. may mga homebased jobs naman and online businesses na pwede mo rin ma try.

[fifi_girl]

Of course i want us to stay in one place. Magsama as a family. But what's preventing us is that we cannot find anyone to care for our child. Ang hirap makahanap ng kasama sa bahay na mapagkakatiwalaan mo talaga, considering na yun lang ang kasama ng anak namin sa bahay if ever.
My MIL advised even advised me na wag ko hayaan na maiwan lang sa yaya yung bata, much better daw na sa parents ko pa din, dahil mahirap din daw magtiwala.

He also agreed na sa Parents ko nalang yung anak namin, and then we spend weekends with him sa condo. And that became our setup for the past few months (almost a year na nga). Suddenly, his issue of being alone resurfaced again.

Re: My parents, at first they really did not like the idea na andun kami pag weekends. Pero ngayon, okay naman na, natanggap na nila that we have to spend weekends with him. They let me make my own decisions, napansin naman na din nila na ginagawa ko kung anong gusto ko.

[glamorosa_09]

My parents, at first they really did not like the idea na andun kami pag weekends. Pero ngayon, okay naman na, natanggap na nila that we have to spend weekends with him.

What will happen kaya kung sakaling hindi lang kayo weekends with him, magiging weekdays pa... And then the only time your child will be with them is during visits lang...

Bakit nga ba umoo partner mo in the first place sa ganyang setup? But right now he is perceiving a problem with a long term set up na weekends lang kayo with him. Siguro akala nya kaya nya, pero nagpaparamdam na sya ng dissatisfaction thinking this is long term.

My MIL advised even advised me na wag ko hayaan na maiwan lang sa yaya yung bata, much better daw na sa parents ko pa din, dahil mahirap din daw magtiwala.

Sound advice from the MIL. Ito rin ba personal convition mo? Pwede naman ito manggaling mismo sayo, tipong "I" don't want to leave my child with yaya. Sorry, I'm probably reading too much between the lines.

Anyway, gleaning from all the posts here regarding the problem of staying in one place is get a trusted person, get a homebased job, or separate ways, dahil he cannot be contented ng weekends lang. Sabi mo nga hindi mo maibigay gusto nya. Parang ganun kasi yung gets ko.

Maybe others can give more input. The problem on staying in one place is a solveable problem. Maybe mahirap dahil may lifestyle changes at may mga ma-didispleased, but it can definitely be solved. At tska kung alam mo rin priority mo or niyo mas makakatulong.

[leigh_iyah01]

Hello! I came across this thread and just want to share my POV. Hindi ko nasubaybayan yung story niyo sis, pero I'm just wondering how old is your hubby? Baka kasi meron siyang ibang worries not directly related sa set-up niyo? Probably, he's on a mid-life crisis? Sa totoo lang kasi, ang hirap kalabanin yung mga issues within yourself especially if you really don't know kung ano talaga ang reasons baket ganun ang pakiramdam ng isang tao. The fact that he told you na parang he feels alone, parang it's something deeper? Baka kelangan niya ng emotional support. Try to ask him sis kung mahal ba niya kayong dalawa ng anak mo, and tell him if mahal niya kayo, ayusin niyo yung situation. And I think, assure him na tutulungan mo siya whatever his real problem is. I know sis mahirap pero my piece of advice, try harder para sa anak mo. I wish you all the best and sana maging okay ang lahat.

[Lady.Doloroso]

Hi sis, ako rin hindi ko nasubaybayan ang story mo. Pero based sa current situation mo, at sabi mo nga naulet na eto eh dapat ata yung asawa mo naman ang mag-adjust. Siya yung nakakaramdaman ng may mali, eh di siya ang magsabi kung ano ba talaga ang gusto niya mangyari.

I feel you sis, nakakainis yung ganyan. Hindi  mo alam kung ikaw ba ang may problema, or gumagawa lang ng dahilan yung lalake. Kung gusto niya kayo magkasama lagi, eh di lunukin niya pride niya. Makisama siya sa inyo. May choice siya, pero ayaw niya gawin kasi sarili lang niya ang iniisip niya. Habang naghahanap kayo ng yaya, pwede naman siya na sa inyo muna kung ang gusto niya eh magkasama sama kayo lagi.

Tsaka, ang hirap nung situation mo. Hindi ka sure kung hanggang kelan siya magiging ganyan. Tama, nakakapagod. This year, ok kayo. Next year, manlalamig na naman siya at di na naman niya maintindihan sarili niya. So paano ka na naman? Let go muna then balik na lang kapag ready na ulet siya. Ang immature ng dating. Sorry sis ha if masyado harsh.

[fifi_girl]

We had a fight last night, where told me that he is ending our relationship.

It started with him insisting that we visit his hometown this weekend. He told me last week na uuwi daw siya, and he didn't mention na gusto pala niya kasama kami. He just told me yesterday na gusto pala niya eh kasama kami. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko, ang naisip ko kase is uuwi din naman kami doon for the New Year, so sabi ko baka pwedeng sa New Year na kami sasama, which is yun naman talaga ang usapan namin. He got mad like crazy. Telling me that we are getting nowhere, that we should settle things rather than keeping promises na maaayos pa namin ito.

I just told him na, kung gusto niya tapusin, bahala na siya. Dahil pagod na pagod na akong maghabol sa kanya. Magkita nalang daw kami sometime in January to settle the bills that needs to be paid. I told him na hindi na kelangan, pera lang yun. And then he just thanked me, and then he blocked me. That's it.

As for me, im thinking of quitting my job once we settled the rental payment by February. I feel like after everything that has happened, not just the recent events, i need to rest and breathe. I need to unplug and reorganize myself.

[J.warner]

Jusko sis di ko kaya makisama sa ganyang lalake. May pa block block pa sya nalalaman. Did he even acknowledge or thank you when u sent him a bday greeting?
Maswerte pa nga sya you gave him another chance and yet umaarte na naman. Ako yan walang chance chance because mabait ako and I give everything I could so if you messed up, goodbye na. Yung ex ko na walang kwenta, wala man lang thank you goodbye or whatsoever when he got me pregnant, pero mabait ako di ako naghabol or anything pero di ko nilagay name nya sa birth certificate ng baby so tapos ang usapan. Bahala na sya.

Anyway sis.. goodluck on your endeavour if u decide to quit your job I think u know naman whats best for you and your child. Im not sure if married kayo? Pero please lang dont give him another chance because mauulit at mauulit yan sakit sa ulo.

[fifi_girl]

Jusko sis di ko kaya makisama sa ganyang lalake. May pa block block pa sya nalalaman. Did he even acknowledge or thank you when u sent him a bday greeting?
Maswerte pa nga sya you gave him another chance and yet umaarte na naman. Ako yan walang chance chance because mabait ako and I give everything I could so if you messed up, goodbye na. Yung ex ko na walang kwenta, wala man lang thank you goodbye or whatsoever when he got me pregnant, pero mabait ako di ako naghabol or anything pero di ko nilagay name nya sa birth certificate ng baby so tapos ang usapan. Bahala na sya.

Anyway sis.. goodluck on your endeavour if u decide to quit your job I think u know naman whats best for you and your child. Im not sure if married kayo? Pero please lang dont give him another chance because mauulit at mauulit yan sakit sa ulo.

We actually spent last weekend together to celebrate his birthday. Tapos eto na, when i chose to defer our visit to his hometown, nagalit na nga. Quitting my job is not really ideal, but i need to do it for my mental health

[Lady.Doloroso]

Parang babae naman yang mister mo.
Simpleng bagay, hiwalayan agad ang gusto.
So immature talaga. Wag ka na maghabol sis.
Nakakadrain ang mga style niya.

Goodluck sis.
I pray you find strength to let go of him.

[fifi_girl]

^Yeah, nakakapagod talaga
I get it na gusto niya na din na kasama kami dumalaw sa Mom niya. It's a 2-3 hour drive from Manila, so iniisip ko din na ma-do-doble pa yung magiging gastos namin kung sasama kami umuwi this weekend. Eh naka-schedule naman na talaga kami umuwi for New Year.

He told me that there will be no New Year for us. So s sobrang galit ko sa kanya, sabi ko, siya na magsabi sa family niya na hindi na kami matutuloy sa New Year. At hindi na ulit nila makikita ang anak ko.

[Acetylcholine]

Mahirap nga situation mo sis pero much better kung mag leave ka muna instead of resigned.

Sa hubby mo kung ako yan sasabihin ko diretsahan na ang dami nya pasikot sikot hindi ko na isusugar coat. Kung gusto nya hanapin sarili nya bahala na sya pero wag sya masyadong pabebe kasi sya mismo sa sarili nya hindi alam gagawin.