I am trapped in an abusive marriage

[anonymom]

Warning: Long post. This is the first time that I am talking about this, because if I say anything to my friends, even the closest ones, I am sure my husband will find out.

When I was 18 and still in college, I got pregnant by my boyfriend who is 10 years older than me. He is a lawyer and he came from a very traditional and prominent political family. We had to get married right away because he was just starting his political career and it would be good for his image na panagutan ako. I was young, dumb, and too inlove back then. I admit that my husband helped me and my family in every way he can, lalo na financially, my mom is a single parent kaya he is really a big help. Because of him, my whole family lived a comfortable life until now and I will always be grateful. Don?t get me wrong, I didn?t marry him because of money. I really fell in love with him, it felt like he was the perfect guy for me at that perfect time, I?m in love with his charm, his passion in public service, the way he cares about me and my family, he is a good man after all. ​Or at least he was.

I always knew that my husband is very traditional, very ?manly?, since boyfriend-girlfriend days pa lang he was really strict and he?s always been the dominant one. I just always think that it must be the age gap and he?ll probably loosen up as we spend more time together. But I was wrong, as the years go by, he became more strict. I never got the chance to have a real job because he?d always say that it?s best if I just stay at home and take care of them, he never allowed me to drive on my own, I can only go out with my friends as long as I?m with him because he?s really jealous, there?s one time that my friends and I planned a trip to HK, nagpaalam ako nicely and he allowed me but one day before the flight he changed his mind and decided na wag na ako pasamahin, just because ?he needs me? daw, he never listened to any of my opinions, he?d just say na siya yung padre de familia kaya siya ang masusunod dapat and I shouldn?t let anyone see that I have flaws as a person, lalo na in front of his constituents. I tried to be prim and proper all the time, the perfect wife... or more like the perfect trophy wife. The recent years he became more temperamental too, palaging ako yung nagiging taga-salo ng mga galit niya (pero mabuti nang ako kaysa mga anak namin). Whenever I make a mistake or do something wrong in his eyes, he?d yell at me saying ​?Nata-t*nga ka na naman? or mumurahin niya nalang ako. When he?s drunk and got pissed, he?ll attempt to slap me, push me away, or throw stuff at me. Kapag nagagalit siya sakin, palagi niyang sinasabi na kung wala siya, malamang nasa ?kangkungan? pa rin ako. I didn?t say anything to anyone; I?d always think na at least it?s just me, not my kids, he makes sure na hindi nakikita ng mga anak namin. Coming from a broken family and growing up without a father, I won?t let them suffer like I did. With this kind of thinking, siguro nga totoong nata-t*nga na ako. We?ve been married for 15 years but everyday he always made me feel like I?m still that 18-year old na napulot niya lang kung saan, na para bang purpose ko lang in life eh i-please siya and pagandahin yung image niya. Pero kapag nakikita niya na akong umiyak, magpapadala nalang siya ng flowers and card, sasabihin niya na he?s just like that because he doesn?t want me to leave. He loves me too much daw. My friends from high school and college knew about how strict he can be when it comes to me, from then ?til now wala pa rin talaga siyang pagbabago. Some may consider me lucky because my husband loves me very much, unlike other wives na may affair yung husbands nila. Although somehow this is true, sometimes I wish na mambabae nalang siya para mawala na yung attention niya sakin. If this is his definition of love, I don?t want it.

Just when I thought that it couldn?t get any worse, we had a big fight last year. We had 4 daughters back then and I didn?t want to do one more because I had 3 miscarriages already; I tried talking to him calmly but he didn?t take it in a good way. He got furious than usual, hindi naman siya lasing, he insisted that I should give him a son, na bibigyan ko na nga lang siya ng anak na lalaki eh hindi ko pa magawa. That was the first time that I saw him like that since we became a couple. That was the first time he actually hurt me physically. That was the first time that he forced himself into me. And then it happened again... and again... and again. I never felt so dirty, embarrassed, mad at myself... para akong bayarang babae. But he got what he wanted. Even when I was pregnant, ginawa niya pa rin sakin. The more I resist the more he?ll do it, asawa naman niya daw ako so he can do anything. The only good thing that came after that is my boy, I gave birth last May.

He also got elected in the Congress, he?s more civil now and apologized for what he put me through my entire pregnancy (sana man lang our entire marriage noh). But I know he will do it again, even when he said that he won?t. My daughters are very young, they?re 15, 14, 13, 9 years old. I have a 2-month old son. They don?t have any idea on what?s happening to us, they adore their dad so much. He is a better provider than I am and I know he?d never hurt our kids. So I just face the public all smiles, be his loving wife in their eyes, and do whatever he says that would protect his image. I can?t seem to stand up against him, I don?t how and I don?t know The only thing that kept me going is the love of my children. If weren?t for them, matagal na akong wala.

I?m sorry, I just really needed a platform to get these all out of my mind. I feel like I?m bursting anytime, or worse baka mabaliw na ako. It?s my personal choice not to say anything to my family and friends until I'm ready and capable, this won?t be easy so I need to strategize. If I choose to speak out, his whole clan, not just him, will be affected. Right now, I just need a company, I?ve been really wanting to talk to someone about my situation. Hopefully one day I will have the strength and courage to stand up against him, eventually be free from him.

[otra_vez]

i am so sorry about what you're going through. i pray that you soon summon the courage to confide in those closest to you and that you can trust. you've been through a tremendous ordeal and i admire your strength, kindness and love for your family.

you married a monster and your best bet is to leave him as soon as possible. your marriage is never going to get better-- it will only get worse. your husband didn't become kinder or nicer over the years, did he? he's just going to be more horrible and i'm afraid you don't really want to be around for that. what's also terrifying is the possibility that he will hurt your children, too. the sooner you can get yourself and your kids away from him, the better. realistically though, you have to find a job, a means to be more financially independent. not familiar with the laws in The Philippines but i believe you have a case in your hand. do your research and seek advice from people who can help you.

goodluck, sis. i wish you the very best and i pray that you fight for your life. it's one thing to decide based on what's best for your children but don't forget yourself in the equation. your peace of mind, your happiness and your well-being-- that's priceless. the best gift you can give your children isn't material but the knowledge that they are in a safe, loving environment. children are smart. if you are not okay, they can pick up on that. and don't be sorry about sharing. just vent here as much as you want and know that there are people who are willing to listen.

[glamorosa_09]

I'm sorry to hear sis that you're in this kind of marriage for 15 years of your life. As you have said, you seem to exist for his purposes only, for his agenda, and as an embellishment to his public image. You're not allowed to be your own person, much less to be a human being with dreams, feelings, and desires for growth and independence. You're like a mere possession expected to do his every bidding.

The things he do, like
-- constantly reminding you where you came from
-- constantly talking to you and treating you like an 18 year old like you can't think for yourself
-- not wanting you to work
-- isolating you from social support (without his presence)
are all ways to psychologically manipulate you to being dependent on him.

These will lower your self-esteem, your belief in your judgment/decisions and on yourself. In turn, these will make you psychologically and financially dependent on him, thus, you can't stand for yourself, you can't escape, you can't fight back, you're trapped. And when you do fight or disagree, the aggression and violence escalate.

With this type of person, relationship will go well for as long as you say, "yes, yes, yes" to everything he wants. He doesn't take no for an answer. He doesn't want you to have boundaries of your own. That was why when you didn't want to be pregnant again, he sexually abused and raped you.

What I can suggest is to educate and strengthen yourself. I encourage you to research on husbands with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or sociopathy (anti-social personality disorder). Maybe you can find something there that could validate your experiences and elucidate your situation. Maybe even help you strategize, but be prepared that when you decide to leave, he will try to smear your name.  Also, if you can, find an online counselor to emotionally strengthen yourself and rediscover who you are.

Just take one baby step at a time. Opening up anonymously here is a great start. Good luck and God bless your journey.

[J.warner]

Nakakatakot sya kasi for sure may connection. At yung sinasaktan ka nya hindi talaga okay yan. Yung pagsigaw sigaw pwede pa.
Mahirap situation mo dahil mukang ginagamit ka lang talaga for his public image kaya gamitin mo din sya.
Magpakasaya ka using his own money. Hindi pwede habang buhay May prized wife sya. Make sure you have your own funds you can use too for you and your children?s freedom pag nalegalize na ang divorce sa Pilipinas. You?re still young madami pa mangyayari sayo, just be prepared and be strong for your children.
In the meantime, maybe you can use contraceptives para wala na additional kids. Sa totoo lang kahit may kaya pero 5 kids tapos ganyan sya, mahirap maging mother. You have your own life. Please don?t be miserable trying to please other people?s lives. Mag plano ka pano ka makakawala sa situation na yan because hindi ka talaga magiging masaya dahil may saltik yang asawa mo.

[simang]

Hi anonymom. I feel bad for you. Will say a quick prayer for your peace.

Your story somehow reminded me of my ex. He was also older than me (9 years) and we started our relationship when I was 16. He was also very dominant and traditional and also had a reputation to protect. He controlled me kasi bata lang daw ako. We were together for 7 years and kahit tumanda na ako in the relationship he always saw me as the 16 year old na walang alam. Ganyan rin, he made me feel like I'm nothing wihout him. The difference lang is that we broke up dahil natauhan ako and I felt like I lost so much of my life because I was with him for so long. We weren't married so it was easier I guess. Pero it was one of the most liberating things I've done. I was 23 when I left him, met my future husband 2 years later, and now happily married for almost 4 years with a beautiful daughter.

My question for you is, how sure are you that he won't do anything to hurt your kids? I mean, he's done unimaginable things to you that I'm sure you never thought he would do, too. If you stay with him, walang guarantee that your kids won't be compromised. Maybe they're not involved right now but it can just be a matter of time.

[airish_2]

Good thing na iniisip mo na what to do next. I Agree na kailangan may maitabi ka for yourself if ever may worst na mangyari and sana masabi mo rin ito sa mga close friends mo kailangan may support system ka kahit isa or dalawa lang sa circle of friends mo, better din na documented rin ang nangyayari sa'yo mga if ever mapunta na kayo sa demandahan.

Don't blame yourself dahil yun talaga ang gusto niya alam niya ang weakness mo kaya paulit ulit niya pinapaalala nung 18 years old ka pa lang.

Basta pakatatag ka sis

[exquisitegem]

My heart breaks whenever I hear/read stories of someone who is in an abusive relationship. Hugs and prayers for you, sis.
I would say counselling will help you both, but the situation is complicated as it is. He has an image to protect more so a negative publicity will tarnish his name. Praying that you will soon have the courage to step up and realize your worth. He doesn?t deserve you. I don?t tolerate any kind of abuse eh. Kaya nakakagalit talaga ang mga ganyan. Feeling nila kaya nilang apakan ang pagkato mo dahil tinulungan niya yung family mo. I just hope na sana magbago siya, or hindi man, makawala ka na sa pagdurusa.

[Shadow Angel]

Nakakasad ang ganitong sitwasyon.
Tama sila need mo ng support from your family or friends. Kapag ready ka na need mo ng plan A, B and C. Ang hirap ng lang kasi in the eyes of your kids perfect father and husband sya kasi di nila nawitness ang bad side ng asawa mo. Sana lang umaayon sayo ang pagkakataon. 15 years sobra nang pagtitiis yan although for sure kahit papaano may good memories ka rin with him. Kaso pag narcissists ang tao wala ng pagbabago yan unless na lang magpaconsult or mag pa therapy sya.

[Maia_Cache]

wala naman siguro taong likas na masama. i think your husband is a good person kasi tinulungan niya family mo, hindi nambababae at mabait na father. one factor siguro ang line of work niya kaya he turned out to be the way he is now. My advise for you is to fight, dont leave your husband kasi masisira ang family mo. surrender everything to God sis, kahit anong gawin mo hindi mo mababago ang asawa mo, pero if si God ang kumilos diyan walang impossible. Just pray hard, kapag tulog si hubby ipag pray over mo siya as in lay hands mo talaga. I promise you darating yung time na maayos yan, wag ka susuko. madalas nadating tayo sa point na hindi na natin alam kung ano gagawin to solve a problem, pero dun mo marealize na you are doing it the wrong way, dont try to solve things on your own, in everything put God first then he will show you what to do.

[otra_vez]

^ i have to disagree and i pray that anyone who comes across this advice, shrugs it off and moves on. this mentality-- that there is a good, decent person inside this monster and domestic abuse victims should focus on that, is one of the reasons victims stay in their abusive relationships far longer than they have to. many victims of abuse end up dead. the thread-starter's husband is not only an abusive, duplicitous husband but he is a rapist as well. a monster of all monsters. there are no boundaries he doesn't feel entitled to cross, no transgressions he doesn't seem capable of committing. if you were married to this man and you have daughters, will you leave them with him?

prayers are good. the meditative aspect of a prayer works wonders, i'm sure.  having faith in God is good. but it's one thing to have faith that things will work out for the best, actually work towards that goal and quite another to be so religious to the point of being delusional. are abusers capable of change? absolutely. but victims, even if they are the spouse, have no obligation to make sure of that. their job is to heal themselves, protect themselves & their loved ones and rebuild their lives.

again, best of luck to the thread-starter.

[airish_2]

^I agree I know someone personally na nasa abusive relationship and pinagdadasal din niya na magbago yung guy. Yes, prayer works pero what matters now yung safety ni TS kailan pa magbabago yung guy? Mahirap lang sa situation ni TS is may power si husband niya we don't. Know ano pa kayang gawin much better talaga is to study well yung exit plan niya.

Grinoom talaga siya na bumaba ang confidence sa sarili and that's what TS need right now a support system and strength to leave his husband. Oo, ideal yung ipaglaban yung marriage but what if the other party is hindi? I doubt papayag si husband and TS na magpacounsel sila.

[exquisitegem]

Agree that the Abuser will change if he is the one willing to change. If not, hindi yan magbabago. I have witnessed a lot of people who have gone through domestic abuse and the only thing that set them free was leaving.
Abusers? actions are deliberate and thought out, and that they will never change, ever. To believe that they will, will only set you up to be their physical and emotional punching bag for life, and you will lose any semblance of self esteem, confidence, joy and happiness from your life. The abused partner must remember that the "Good" husband who shows up occasionally was the act he staged for you and other people: the "Evil" husband who showed up a few months after the honeymoon is the man that he really is, with his mask off. The "Good" guy is the myth; the "Evil" guy is the one you're really married to. So waiting for "Good" to return will set you in turmoil pulling you down until you realize that you have lost your youth, your everything. Even your life.

[lyrahs]

Opinion ko lang to ha, di bale ng masira ang pamilya, wag lang ang victim ng abusive relationship.
Buo nga ang pamilya mo, wasak na wasak naman pagkatao mo.
Happy family, good father and husband pero palabas lang ang lahat. Pagdating sa kwarto nyong mag-asawa, halimaw na ang kasama mo.
Worst case baka mapatay ka pa.

Lakasan mo loob mo TS, kelangan buo ang loob mo at pagplanuhan mong maigi ang mga gagawin mo. And most of all sis, pray for guidance.

[hisana]

Yes, you definitely need an outlet, and lots of prayers. (St. Jude has not let me down, btw!). Daming good advice na dito. I agree that you can pray for change to happen in your husband, it's not impossible naman, di ba, and strength for you and your children. But it's a good thing to get prepared financially and emotionally na rin, little by little, para may choice ka pa rin sa huli. I'm sure you know that by now and I hope you have started taking actual steps in doing this. Good luck to you.

[Lurker_Man]

mahirap maka pangasawa ng filthy rich, political mindset, mas importante ang pangalan..sorry to hear your story