Breaking Up After 13 Years - How Do I Start Over?

[aoshi_01]

Hi guys. Pasensiya na kung medyo mapapahaba itong post ko. I just need support so bad.

My boyfriend just ended things with me just this May 19th - sumabay pa sa wedding anniversary ng parents ko. It was a 13 year relationship.

His reason? He felt betrayed by my parents daw. Na bakit daw noong time na he was helping out sa family business namin, he did not hesitate. Bakit daw ngayon na he asked a favor parang hindi daw naisip yung contribution niya dati.

Here's a background (and I'll do my best to make this brief):

A year after our relationship started, nag open ng computer shop ang mom ko. At that time, I was already on my last year of college and was finally graduating after shifting courses. Tinanong siya ng mother ko noon if he can help out in setting up the shop, he agreed and he was paid.

Eventually, kasama ko na siya nagbabantay and yung naipon niya he used it to finish college. The computer shop eventually had to be closed after 6 years. By then, I was working in the BPO industry, and he was a freelance web designer who worked from home.

We were both enjoying our own careers and would only see each other during the weekends.

Fast forward to the last quarter of 2018. His mom had a stroke and the finances were drained. On top of that, since siya yung nagbantay sa hospital, he was terminated from his job February of this year. To be honest, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko to show him my support.

Then he asked me if I can ask my mother if he can rent out one of the units we have (we rent out commercial spaces kasi) as a residential unit kasi he plans na bumukod na siya sa pamiliya niya. Hindi pumayag ang mom ko kasi magkaka conflict sa BIR. Dinibdib niya pala yon.

Two weeks ago, everything was normal naman. After watching th second to the last episode of Game of Thrones, nag pm pa ako sa kanya sa FB - the usual na naglalambing and told him I'm going to bed na since I have an 8pm shift at work. Hindi agad sumagot, seen lang. In a final attempt na mag lambing I told him that I hope I still make him happy. He blew up. Sabi niya galit na galit daw siya sa magulang ko, pressured siya sa work.

I begged for him not to end the relationship. That I'd ask my mom again about the unit he wants to rent as a residential place.

Then we had a cool off for 2 weeks. Mind you, in the entire 13 years of our relationship, we never had a cool off.

We then spoke again Saturday night. He said that he had a talk with one of our "friends" who told him to look at the issue objectively. Kaya daw ba ako nag offer uli to ask is because na threaten ako na mawawala siya? Why didn't I keep asking daw? I was so mad, hindi nila alam how my parents are and ang dating sa akin is parang nagkaron ng kampihan.

And now, after 13 years I am single again at 36 years old. Hindi ko lang alam how to start over, at times napapraning ako sa work kasi bigla ko maiisip na eventually may kapalit na ako. Papano naman ako? I gave him everything - he was my first. May magmamahal pa ba sa akin? I'm damaged goods.

Help.

[khaleesiCersei]

Hi sis, how can you say you?re damaged goods? Ano naman ngayon kung siya ang first mo? Hindi naman ibig sabihin siya din ang magiging last. Are you referring to your virginity? Hindi naman nakakabawas ng pagkatao or pagkababae yun. You are a human being. Not a sex object. Tsaka 36 ka pa lang. bata ka pa and Yes may magmamahal pa sayo. Mas higit pa sa ex mo.

Minsan change is good, start a new. Now is the time to focus on you and on your own dreams. Gawin mo yung mga bagay na di mo magawa noon dahil ayaw ng ex mo or takot ka na ma offend/masaktan ang pride niya.

Hayaan mo na siya, kung galit siya sa parents mo bakit dinamay ka niya? May ganon bang love? Waley. He is weak and vindictive. Mapag isip at nagbibilang ng tulong na naibigay.

Hindi mo kelangan ng ganong tao sa buhay. Ang kelangan mo partner in life. Yung hindi madaling bumigay kapag mahirap ang situation. Move on and trust me may magmamahal pa sayo na mas deserve mo.

[glamorosa_09]

I was so mad, hindi nila alam how my parents are and ang dating sa akin is parang nagkaron ng kampihan.

How are your parents nga ba?

Seems like your bf reached a very low point in his life. Parang I imagine sobrang stressful ng pinagdaanan nya, physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially stressful. Then the only time he reached out for help is if he could rent the unit, but he was outrightly rejected because of BIR conflict.

Kasi pwede naman kinonsider muna yung request or nagcompromise muna kung gano katagal. Masakit din kasi sa kalooban na outright rejection, na hindi muna binigyan ng konsiderasyon yung hiling. Parang it sends a message na "you don't matter to be worthy of our consideration."

Perhaps hindi sya maka move on. Siguro mataas yung hope and expectation nya na mapagbibigyan sya, kaya ganun na lang katindi yung bagsak nya nung na-reject sya, especially when he was in dire need of support. Nandito kasi yung tanong na, "nasaan ka nung oras na kailangang kailangan kita?" nandun yung sense of desperation and helplessness.

It is just sad that your relationship didn't surpass this trial. He couldn't get past your parents' rejection, and you didn't know how to support him.

To be honest, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko to show him my support.

Final na ba talaga?

Kung final na, nakakababa talaga ng self-esteem ang relationship break-up regardless of the length of relationship. Pero mas matindi ang impact sayo dahil more than a decade kayo.

Sa tagal ng pinagsamahan niyo, he has been an important part of your identity. The ending of a long term relationship can seem like a part of your body was amputated. It will be hard adjusting in the beginning of your journey.

You might feel insecure, depressed, empty and even panicking because of your age. These are all normal feelings, albeit very difficult and painful. But such is the after break-up process eh, and there's no way out but through that pain.

There might be no words to ease that piercing pain in your chest, but with time, proper grieving, and healing, you'd be able to adjust to a new and better you. It is hard to see at your present state, but it will come, and you're going to be okay.

For the mean time, mourn for the loss of the relationship. Feel what you feel. Cry if you have to. You will be able to heal eventually.

[TomHansen]

WTF may problema siya sa magulang mo at ang ganti niya e breakup? Kung hindi siya makapagrent sa inyo pwede naman siyang magrent sa iba - or baka he prefers sa inyo magrent dahil he probably expects discounts at hindi mahigpit kapag delayed ang bayad sa rent. Tama lang ginawa ng parents mo na wag ipa-rent, mahirap talaga kapag kakilala/kapamilya mahirap maningil hehe. F your ex, parang tang@ lang.

what you're feeling right now is normal sa taong sawi, na iniisip mo walang magmamahal sa iyo, na you're a damaged - but sis what''s also normal is people moving on from failed relationships. Iiyak mo lang, feel the pain part ng moving on process yan. Malaking tulong din itong gt, magbasa ka ng mga breakup threads marami kang makikitang same rin ng pinagdaanan/pinagdadaanan at papaano sila nagmove on. Kaya mo yan sis, isipin mo lang na you're an individual - you have your own life, hindi mo siya kailangan para mabuhay.. Someday may magmamahal sa iyo ng mas higit pa pero sa ngayon sarili mo muna ang isipin mo, enjoy being single muna wag ka munang maghanap ng kapalit niya.. also cut mo na communications niyo, unfriend, unfollow, block..

goodluck sis, i hope maliban sa pain try mo ring tulungan ang sarili mong maging EXCITED sa future..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOFI213MuKM

[airish_2]

Ayaw na ba talaga niya? Pero kung ginawa mo na din naman part mo then maybe hanggang doon na lang. Ang hirap naman na ikaw lang susuyo at gusto maayos ang situation niyo tapos ayaw na talaga niya.

Virtual hug* sis, and please hindi ka damage good. Don't ever think yourself like that.

[curlylass]

No such thing as "damaged goods" sa mga babae/tao. YOU ARE MORE THAN THAT. You're still young, makakahanap ka ng lalaking totoong magmamahal sayo ng higit-higit pa sa naramdaman mo before. For a 13-yr old relationship parang ang immature pa ng paghandle nya ng issues nyo. I mean, you guys could've worked it out kung sa una pa lang ay kinausap ka nya ng masinsinan sa totoo nyang nararamdaman. If di talaga pwede dun sa parents mo, pwede mo naman sya matulungan maghanap ng cheap alternative.

Anyways, kung final na talaga yung break-up, I would suggest na learn how to love yourself again. Try out new hobbies, discover new things, date yourself, and surround yourself with the people who loves you. I know it's hard, yung cousin ko broke up with her bf of 15yrs and guess what? Mas naging masaya sya after. Her life flourished after nung breakup nila.... maybe after a year kasi tagal nya rin nagmukmok nun. They've broken up 8yrs ago. Ngayon she has her own restaurant na and she gets to travel around the world. Most of all, she met a new beau.

So yun nga, it's okay to cry over it kasi syempre, minahal/mahal mo yung tao na yun e. Pero don't forget who really matters, YOU. After you cry over him, pick yourself up and shine. If you need someone to talk to, daming sisters who are willing to help dito sa GT. Best of luck, sis aoshi_01! XO

[aoshi_01]

Thank you for your responses, mga sis.

Yung regarding sa parents ko po kasi, I didn't want to keep on asking them if they can consider him as a tenant because I was protecting their perception of him. My parents can be very judgemental and at the time, I didn't want them to think na ginagamit niya ako.

Before sleeping, I nearly caved in kanina and reached out to him despite having unfriended him on all my social media (messenger lang tinira ko sa FB because doon nakikipag communicate boss ko). Mabuti na lang pala hindi, because nung nagising ako bigla sa tunog ng messenger, one of my best friends who hasn't unfriended him yet posted a screenshot.

His status message?

"Really starting to hate myself right now for caring about others for the past thirteen years".

Nakaka inis lang because I have kept quiet. Sa Twitter na lang ako active and my posts there are just work related and how I'm starting to work out again. Ano to, nag hahanap ng sympathy? And ayan nanaman ang gatong friends niya na hindi muna alamin both sides of the story.

[khaleesiCersei]

Tsk.. imo very immature pa yung ex mo. Ok andun na tayo, very down siya at really needed help pero hindi siya marunong tumanggap ng rejection. Mukhang hindi din marunong mag isip ng back up plan at parang naka asa talaga siya na tutulungan sya ng parents mo.

Kung tutuusin Wala naman obligasyon ang parents mo sa kanya bakit di niya ma gets yun? And nabanggit mo na yung tulong na nabigay niya noon is nabayaran naman ng parents mo tama ba? Good riddance na yan. Time to move on.

Anyways tama ibang sis natin allow yourself to grieve and feel sad not because iniwan ka ng bf mo, feel sad and grieve for the relationship. Ganon naman talaga pag may nagtatapos, malungkot at masakit pero time heals all wounds and it will definitley make you a better person. All the best sis!

[iceheaven31]

Medyo magulo ako mag-advise, so I'll just put my thoughts in bullet points.

-->reiterate ko lang na NO, you are NOT, and will NEVER BE "damaged goods".  but of course it is understandable na you'll have those kinds of thoughts right now. pero please, remind yourself na you're worth more than that.
-->as for his fb status message, yang ganyang thinking ang way of coping niya, similar to other kinds of thoughts that you're thinking right now. and good for you na you're still using your senses not to reach out to him and make matters worse. and unfortunately, there will be people who will NOT CARE to get both sides of the story, yet will CARE to give every ounce of opinion and judgment to the situation that they only see from the outside.
-->please cry your heart out if you need to. minsan a really good cry is all you need to pick yourself up.
-->on a silver lining, this is a problem that even married couples face. maswerte ka na hindi pa kayo kinakasal at nakita mo na ganito niya hinarap ang ganitong problema. imaginin mo kung mag-asawa na kayo, mas mahirap ideal-with yang mga ego-related and parental-relationship problems.


hanggang dito muna.

[TomHansen]

....
His status message?
"Really starting to hate myself right now for caring about others for the past thirteen years".
...

The more na mas ok naghiwalay kayo, ngayon mas makikita mo yung negative side niya mas makakadali sa iyong makalimot.

[aoshi_01]

Really loving the support I'm getting mga sis. Salamat talaga.

Hindi muna ako papasok sa work tonight and tomorrow siguro. I don't think I can function well. Dyahe lang sa boss ko at sabog ang absenteeism ng team this week.

[Shadow Angel]

Wag mo na syang habulin or suyuin. Mukhang malaki ang ego ni guy nakapag hindi napag bigyan may ugaling di makatatanggap ng NO.

Although nagegets ko na sa oras ng kagipitan kayo dapat nagdadamayan pero di nya naisip na hindi naman ikaw ang direct na may hawak ng desisyon buti sana kung ikaw. Hindi nya naiiisip na you protecting him kasi kung ipipilit mo sa parents mo ang gusto nya for sure may masasabi ang parents mo regarding dyan sa ex mo. Sa dami naman renting place bakit di sya maghanap ng iba.

[airish_2]

Everything happens for a reason talaga, imagine mo what if pumayag parents mo kung nagkataon  and I agree ang immature lang niya , sabihin mo sa friends mo wag ka na iupdate about him hindi madali pero kaya yan sobrang fresh pa kasi ng nangyari. Laban lang! 😊

[glamorosa_09]

Yeah, sabihin mo na lang friends mo to support your moving on, at wag na mag-update...

As for two sides of the story, that is not surprising naman. People who only know his side of the story will sympathize with him and throw judgments at you. Similarly, people who only know your side of the story will sympathize with you and throw judgments at him. Pareho naman siguro kayong may tama at hindi tama.

Also, payong GT, communication and support provision on both partners are vital to the relationship, lalo na't stressors (e.g., parents-in-law, children, occupation, finances) are inevitable parts of married life kung sakaling nagkatuluyan kayo.

This was like a litmus test on your relationship. And I agree with curlylass, given the length of relationship and your ages, the relationship problems/stressors were immaturely handled. Charge it up to experience na lang.

Sorry, I am no friend kaya wala akong side, I'm more of nasa side ng relationship. But I do support your moving on.

[aoshi_01]

^Sis, I really appreciate your opinion. Litmus test is the best description of what happened. Yes, I agree with the immaturity - mayron rin akong part doon. Even at my age, takot ako sa parents ko. So asking them for favors do not come naturally to me.

Napaparanoid lang ako na what if makasalubong ko to sa mall or whatever tapos may bago na siya. Yun yung kinakatakot ko, na baka pag nangyari yun all my efforts will come crashing down.

[glamorosa_09]

^Hmmm.... Pwedeng manlambot tuhod mo, bumilis tibok ng puso mo, ano pa ba, manginig kalamnan mo... Pero hindi ka mamamatay...

Kung sakali man mangyari yun, umupo ka na lang sa tabi at magpakalma (breathing)... Wag mo lang pigilan sensations sa katawan mo, mas tatagal lang healing mo.

You might think you're back to square one, which is normal, pero they are steps to desensitization din. Be patient na lang with yourself and your healing. Sa ngayon minu-minuto mo maiisip, hanggang magiging once a day, to a week, then a month, a year, hanggang sa wala na. Tska you may heed to what others have advised din to explore a whole new world.

[aoshi_01]

You might think you're back to square one, which is normal, pero they are steps to desensitization din. Be patient na lang with yourself and your healing. Sa ngayon minu-minuto mo maiisip, hanggang magiging once a day, to a week, then a month, a year, hanggang sa wala na. Tska you may heed to what others have advised din to explore a whole new world.

Sis, you have no idea how much your words have helped me. And also the others, lalo na at may isa palang GuyTalker na nag rerespond.

I opened up to my mom about the break up. Her reaction? "Hay salamat natauhan ka na rin.". Apparently she never had a good feeling about my ex. I also told her about that one thing that bothered me nung tumatagal na ang relasyon - no matter how much I wanted to settle down na, parang something was holding me back.

Sagot ng mother ko was "Yan kasi ang prayer namin ng daddy mo. Yung makahanap ka ng matinong partner." kasi nga naman daw nag-iisang anak lang nila ako.

I'm glad na aalis kami ng beki team mates ko for Baguio this coming end of May. Then balak ko to finally join the Pride parade kasi mag-paparticipate ang company namin for 2 years in a row (no, hindi po ako LGBTQ, I just passionately support their rights). Last year hindi ako nakasali kasi the Pride March also fell on his birthday (which I arranged a surprise dinner by gathering a few friends, tapos in the end galit na galit siya sa akin kasi bakit daw ang gastos.)

Mga sis, pag eto nalampasan ko, magpapa-inom ako. Or pizza.

[reivee]

Really loving the support I'm getting mga sis. Salamat talaga.

Hindi muna ako papasok sa work tonight and tomorrow siguro. I don't think I can function well. Dyahe lang sa boss ko at sabog ang absenteeism ng team this week.

take a long leave sis, then travel. 

[aoshi_01]

^Wish I could, sis. Kaso leaves sa amin should be requested 2 months in advance. Timing lang na na approve tong upcoming leave ko sa pag hiwalay namin. hehe.

I opened one of the Facebook accounts I created for my dogs na friend pa rin siya, sinilip ko lang yung profile. Ang daming post ng mga friends niya sa wall niya about how "real friends build each other up" and sh*t. Sarap pagmumurahin. Ugh. Ayun, inunfriend ko na rin don sa FB accounts ng pets ko.

I'm simultaneously going through the stages of grief, may times na ok ako. Then may times na ayan nanaman si self-pity whispering in my head na "wala nang ma-a-attract sa yo, you're obese and ugly.". May times na galit ako.

I know I have to be patient with my healing, after all very fresh pa. Call it corny, pero nagsimula na ako uli mag-dasal. I found out that it helps.

[curlylass]

^Try mo boxing, sis! Imagine-in mo si ex yung punching bags and mitts. Haha! Exercise helps in releasing endorphins, the happy hormones. Plus na yung papayat ka din. Meditation helps a lot din. Malalampasan mo din yan. Keep on praying, ibibigay din sayo kung ano/sino ang dapat sayo.