My bum husband got his mistress pregnant. Should i leave or stay?

[iamfoursixnine]

Hingi lang sana ako advise momshies..

Married ako for 11yrs with 3 kids. Si husband 2x na nagkaroon ng affair. 1st affair sya mismo umamin dahil wala na sila nung girl pinagpalit sya sa iba. 2nd affair ang malala. I found out dahil pinaalis ko sa bahay kasi nagdduda nako. 2weeks after, bumalik sya samin at dun ko nalaman na nabuntis nya pala un mistress nya at nakapanganak na din. I know He is currently living with the mistress kahit super deny sya. 2x a month pumupunta sya sa bahay namin to be with us pero umaalis din after 1-2days.

Now here is the hard part:
*he cant leave the mistress because nagbabanta DAW na guguluhin kami if he leaves
*he doesnt want to make legal arrangement with the mistress (child support) ang gusto ni ate ay maging asawa at ama sya sa buhay nila
*he still lies by saying d nya kaya mawala kami sa buhay nya and all the pathetic affirmations just to please me. We also still make love pag nagkakasama kami.
*he acts as if walang nangyaring panloloko sa part nya and tries to avoid any confrontations

How do i feel about this:
Honestly im torn between badly wanting to leave him and wanting to stay because of the kids. Iniisip ko baka temporary lang ito at sooner maghihiwalay din sila and he?ll go back to us. Pero hindi ko kayang itolerate yung thought na nag eenjoy sya sa piling ni ate dahil dun sya nakatira. (I call the mistress ATE because she?s older than my husband) and wala akong laban k ate dahil may kaya sya. She blinds my husband with luxurious things -signature brands, and she even gives him her atm to make him stay. My husband doesnt have a job for a year na and all that he does right now is to dwell on his issue with us and his mistress+child. Hindi man lang isipin na kailangan magtrabaho dahil 40 na sya at wala parin direksyon buhay nya.

Tama ba na iwan ko na talaga sya and not worry that my kids will not have a father?

[Awesomecakes]

My husband also cheated on me and when I learned about the affair, one of the questions I asked was - Is she pregnant? Because if yes, I will leave him kahit na preggy ako that time. Alam ko maraming kakabit na complications once may baby na involved. I don't know if I should call it a blessing na hindi na-preggy yun mistress niya pero siguro it's a sign that it's a chance to make our marriage work and give it another try.

My question is, why do you let him stay even after the first, second affair? Second, he should provide for his family, kahit man lang yun sana bumawi siya sa part na yun but still, wala. What do you get out of this situation? Parang sobrang lugi ka dito sis. I know I'm in no position to say such things since I do get emotional parin when I talk about our marital issues pero for me, in your case, that's too much.

[kaythrielle]

How about making a list of advantages and disadvantages/ pros and cons of you leaving him vs letting him stay?

[Apple1230]

Yeah what is in it for you if he stays? Does he make you happy? Does he make your life better by being in it?

Mahirap kasi mag sabi na iwanan mo na, dahil ang totoo tayong mga girls we ask for advice pero hindi naman natin susundin lalo na pag ang advice is iwan mo na siya. Maybe because of fear, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, fear na baka wala na tayo ma meet or baka wala na magka gusto sa atin that's why we stay in bad relationships dahil kahit paano masabi natin na at least meron, at least hindi tayo mag isa.

Pero mali kasi yung ganon na thinking lalo na kung yung guy is wala talagang kwenta at walang effort na magbago. At the end of the day you get to decide kung kaya mo pa ba. You cannot change someone, you can either accept them for who they are or leave them kasi hindi mo siya tanggap.

[donya_dyosa]

Kung ikaw lang rin ang bumubuhay sa mga anak mo, then leave him. mahawa kapa ng std o aids sa pagkababaero niya.... that was my thinking nung nambabae ang ex ko, mga ilang weeks nadiri nako sakanya. i know its hard pero pray for the day na maawa kana sa sarili mo., live your life to the fullest na. be the best mom/dad nalang ro your kids. malay mo, pag naghiwalay nako ni mister, mahanap mo na yung para sayo talaga.

[otra_vez]

i would leave if i were you. the bum part alone would've made me think about leaving so the affairs are like vomit icing on a turd cake. f^ck that, i'm out.

as for the kids, i'm a big believer of setting good examples for children. if you are miserable and you're not claiming the respect that you deserve from a partner, think of how your kids feel about that. how can you teach them about respect and love, how to cultivate healthy & loving relationships, how to be independent if  you can't do that for yourself?

[mrs.jack sparrow]

You still make love even though you know for a fact he sleeps and lives with his kabit.  That is just not respecting yourself. Just sayin'

[naizlabonita]

Hmm this is hard!! Its easy for us to say na leave him but of course it will be very hard for you.
For me ha if he is bum or no income at all whats the sense of staying with him..maybe you still love him..but do  you want to come to the point na pati ikaw e madamay pa..in terms of baka pati pambigay sa mistress nya eh kunin pa sayo hehe.
When my partner cheated on me.. Tinanong ko siya ano gustu nya..ayaw naman maghiwalay..titigil na daw siya and syempre may pera siya so ayon..since  go pa din kame sa relationship ayon tinuloy pa din namen and syempre di ko kaya financially mag isa eh.hehe
I think tama yung isipin mo ang pros and cons.

[hisana]

I know marriage is not something you give up on easily, but for your sake and the sake of the kids, have the courage to walk away if this is someone who isn?t prioritizing your family and at least trying to provide some commitment, happiness, security, or peace of mind that you?re looking for. My mom wanted to stay in her marriage ?for the kids?, and all the stress and worry with having to deal with my dad ate away at her over the years, and syempre affected din kaming kids deeply. So it?s not always the answer.

[baby_chichay]

Speaking from the point of view of the kids here, since I used to be a child who witnessed my parents fight and struggle about infidelity, PLEASE DO NOT STAY IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE SAYING IT'S FOR THE KIDS' SAKE. Do not make this convenient excuse.

Admittedly, as a child, I actually "decided" that it's best for our family and for my mom if my parents separate and end their marriage. It was so unhealthy and stressful for us na magkakapatid. The fights, the tears, the pagbabanta and all. As kids we just want our mom to have her peace of mind, and both of our parents to be happy. You might even be surprised to realize that your kids are very understanding and open-minded sa ganitong mga sitwasyon. Children nowadays are smart and tough. They will definitely understand.

Please do not fail to consider too the consequences of children na lumalaki in an intact yet unhappy home kasi they will witness the conflict, the unloving and uncooperative marriage of their parents in the long run. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THAT RESENTMENT TOWARDS YOUR HUSBAND.
Please know that kinds tend na gayahin yung nakikita nila sa parents nila while growing up, and believe it or not, their inclination is to be stuck in the same type of marriages pagdating ng panahon. Three of my sisters ended up in marriages like my parents'. Sad but true. And the effect on me? I never want to get married because of FEAR THAT THE SAME MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME.

Don't assume that your kids are not aware that there is something wrong with you two. If you do, they will think that what is happening between their parents is NORMAL. What you should do for your children is explain and support them and assure them that despite of your marriage falling apart, both of you will always love them no matter what. In this way, they will keep note of the failure in your marriage and will tend to set a higher standard for themselves and their future relationships.

Lastly, you are not protecting your children by exposing them to an unhealthy relationship with your husband. You may not realize it but you might be actually doing more harm than good. Stay committed in a marriage that is heathy and hopeful, and not just plainly surrender to an abusive relationship and deprive yourself of a happy and peaceful life. All the best of luck to you sis.

[ana mimi]

If I were in your shoes, aalis nalang ako. Kase if I will take my husband back, guguluhin lang kami ng kabit niya and it will be bad for my kids kung makikita nilang ganun yun.

I'd rather have my husband visit the kids every weekend let's say para di naman mawala yung presence niya sa buhay ng mga bata. Think about your happiness din.

[mango_shake]

couldn?t agree more sis baby chichay!

witness din ako sa ganyan struggle ng nanay ko and kami pa ng mga kapatid ko nagsasabi sa nanay ko na maghiwalay na sila ng father ko. on my part kasi, mas gusto ko pa hiwahiwalay kami kesa sa magkakasama kami sa isang roof pero away palagi. as a child, mas gusto ko pa nasa labas kesa umuwi ng bahay. your children may not be vocal about the issue pero try to ask to them kung ano gusto nila. baka magulat ka na baka they have different views on what you consider ?good? for them.

[bluish_mommy]

if I may add also, nabanggit mo sa kwento mo na may kaya si mistress at iniiwan pa nya ang ATM sa husband mo just to stay with her. Kung ako nasa kalagayan mo, isa rin itong magiging factor why I should leave him. I do not want the mistress to have the perception na ang ipinangtutustos ng asawa mo sa inyo eh galing sa mistress, considering bum ang asawa mo, syempre kahit papano humuhugot yan sa ATM ng pera pambigay sa mga anak nyo. at ang iisipin ng mistress na since you're allowing it, eh ok lang sa iyo, kaya ganun rin kalakas ang loob ng mistress to get your husband away from you dahil  baka iniisip nya na-a-ambunan ka rin ng yaman nya.

[Girltalker2]

as for the kids, i'm a big believer of setting good examples for children. if you are miserable and you're not claiming the respect that you deserve from a partner, think of how your kids feel about that. how can you teach them about respect and love, how to cultivate healthy & loving relationships, how to be independent if  you can't do that for yourself?

This. Have some pride and dignity for yourself. And if ever Wala man, teach your children to have some self respect. Huwag sila papayag na lokohin ng harap harapan and just accept it.
Otherwise they might end up with a marriage na ?api? din sila kasi ganun din parents nila.

Ito actually nagpush sakin to file for annulment because he gave mo no choice but to fight for myself and my kids.

[preciousjulia]

Sis..iwan mo na. Ang stressful naman ng ganyang asawa. Yung hubby ko nga nakipag flirt lang sa text sa nakasabay nya sa bus ang sukal sukal na sa loob ko..hindi ko matanggap na nagawa nya pero we are working on our marriage na.. what more pa yan na twice nyang ginawa. Tapos he has no balls pa to leave the kabit and choose you as his family. Ano ba?!! Anong problema ng mga ganyang lalaki? 

Saka in addition mukang hindi na magbabago hubby mo. Kahit piliin nya kayo ngayon mukang may tendency sya na gawin ulit yan. Saan na ang peace of mind mo pag ganyan ang asawa mo. God bless you sis.

[cupcakejane]

Don't decide when you are angry.

Better have a separate account that your husband does not know about just to keep your savings in tact for when they need money.  When you are calm, decide if you want to leave him.

[kvandenhaak]

DEFINITELY LEAVE. But prepare for exit strategy first para di ka naman agrabyado.

[hisana]

^^^
True. Cheated twice, inanakan yung mistress, and now cant leave her because of some excuse we don?t know kung totoo naman (because we all know that cheaters don?t lie, right!) Plus hindi pa pala decent provider, and kumukuha lang sa mistress ng pang luho. Parang telenovela lang, haha. Maybe it?s a midlife crisis, he wants his cake and eat it too, baka pwede pa magbago pero mahirap umasa ng ganito. Siguro kung ayaw na sa kanya ng mistress o kaya wala nang gusto pumatol sa kanya, yeah, he?ll probably stay ?faithful? then, LOL. Because party?s over! Seen it happen many times.

[cupcakejane]

I would suggest to stay where you are, and don't compromise your happiness and safety over this.  It's a challenge to deal with an abusive person, let alone someone close to you.  We all deserve some sort of peace and happiness.

[kyliejane]

Leave. Ano ka ba. Bum na nga, nagka mistress pa. Sobrang kapal nyan.