married but still virgin

[kmark18]

newly married kami at magkasama na after 6 years na ldr. napag usapan namin na wala actual sex kami hanggat hindi pa kasal. aware naman ako na medyo naive siya. i mean hindi siya yung tipong gigil type. hindi naman siya introvert type. friendly at kalog siya. hindi siya romantic tipong andun yung dissapointments ko at alam niya yun. hindi raw talaga siya ganun. may experienced naman siya sa bed with others girls bago man kami.

magkasundo kaming dalawa. kaso eto nga malaking problema ko/namin. tagal na namin inantay na magkasama kami then virgin pa rin ako ilang months na after ng marriage namin 

i admit wala na talaga kilig factor samen after ng ldr at sa pagiging hindi romantic ni hubby, parang companionship kami pero araw araw niya ako sinasabihan ng 'i love you'. kaso ayon sa pag attempt na ako pa yung nag fifirst move wala e. hindi na ako ganun magwet at na aarouse. nasasaktan ako pag papasok siya. may lambi yung alaga niya alam ko nakakapekto yun kung bakit hirap makapasok. pero nawawala yung excitement ko kasi hindi siya magforeplay. ako parang teacher na sinasabi dapat pinag aaralan niya, dapat ganito ganyan. na hindi kami lage dapat ganito kasi malaking problema samen. ang tigas tigas ng ulo nya. naiinis na ako na walang gawin na paraan. pinalampas ko na nga yung walang karomaromantic sa relationship namin pero pagdating sa bed ibang usapan na. inamin ko sa kanya na kahit magkasama na kami at nasa work siya. nagpplay ako ng clitoris ko hanggang masatisfied. kasi hindi niya maibigay yung needs ko.

alam ko hindi ko dapat sabihin yun kasi ego rin. kaso nakakapuno na.
hindi naman ako panget para mawalan siya ng gana. wala naman third party. pero hindi ako masaya sa nanyayare. hindi na kami pabata pa para hindi magplan na magkaroon ng sariling pamilya.

ano ba dapat namin gawin?

[airish_2]

May mga ganiyan guys na hindi romantic.

I suggest kung okay lang sayo ikaw ang maglambing sa husband mo, pero wag yung napipilitan ha? Mahirap mapeke yun, ah simple gesture like cuddle and kissing after you cook mga ganun kasi mahahawa din si guy pag ganun, doon kasi start yung simpleng cuddle then teasing.

Basta wag mo istress sarili mo, kung si hubby hindi maforeplay then guide him, it comes natural naman after, tignan mo after nun siya na magstart ng foreplay.

O kaya in the middle of afternoon tease by texting something sexy and dirty. Mga ganun haha!

[otra_vez]

anong lambi sa alaga? you mean malambot? if that's the case, then sorry, he might be gay.

[lalee888]

^I could not help but think the same thing.

To OP: I don't understand all the words you wrote but based on what I understood, there are signs that indicate that your partner might be closeted-gay, bi, or 100% gay. People have issues and/or ulterior motives and sometimes, unfortunately, their actions affect those around them intentionally or unintentionally. Some gays don't understand/know how to deal with their sexual orientation, whether as a personal issue, or due to familial/cultural issues. Meron din naman they want to have a child of their own genes, so they 'fake it til they make it.'

For your sake, I hope i'm wrong. Wishing you the best in this situation you are faced with.

[gab54]

^^i think lambi is foreskin left from circumcision? Im not sure

Anyway, the best thing to do right now is to calmly talk about the problem and find solutions together. be honest without being offensive. be prepared din in case he opens up kung ano talaga ang problem. is this about sexual preference? physical problem? psychological problem? fear? secrets? may mahal ba syang iba? etc.

[TysLolakins]

yung word na 'lambi' sa tagalog speaking regions, parang extra foreskin yata ,  meaning hindi siya 'circumcised' kaya   i'm sure this can be easily remedied with surgery.

the TS mentioned that her husband (daw) has experiences with other girls before, so maybe he only made that up.    maybe he has some underlying medical issue like ED.
you need to find out from him what is really the problem, i'm sure he knows (he insisted no sex before marriage), he just doesn't want to disclose it.  maybe he's too embarrassed to discuss with you but you're his wife now,  you need to know about these things.  it seems your whole dating time was spent LDR, so in a way you're just trying to know each other intimately.   
if he indicates he's not gay and he has no medical issues, then start by getting comfortable around each other first, keep it relaxed,  no expectations. 
if there is a problem (he's gay or he has ED),  how far are you willing to stay and work with him on the problem?  will you be the understanding wife? 


   

[kvandenhaak]

I don't think that "lambi" is a problem. Nasasaktan ka kasi virgin ka pa. It takes a couple of tries bago maging comfortable.

I have a feeling gay si hubby.

[Girltalker2]

Other couples di makaantay ng wedding, mahirap tiisin walang sex ah.
In your case, it?s the opposite. 6 years! It?s not normal.
Making love is a natural expression of affection with your partner. There?s something wrong and I think you don?t have a choice but talk to him bakit ganyan. Rather than telling him what you want, ask him what does he think about the abnormality of your marriage because it is bothersome and you don?t seem to be happy anymore.

[fifi_girl]

Sorry TS ha, but i agree with the others. Looks like your hubby is Gay.

[kvandenhaak]

Ang sex kasi hindi naman talaga pinag-aaralan, you learn it instinctively kumbaga. I mean, even animals know how to do it. Foreplay is a must for a satisfying sex lalo na sa babae. Masasaktan ka talaga kapag hindi ka prepared. Kasi kung walang foreplay, ano yun? Pasok agad? The guys naturally want to make us girls satisfied in bed they will do everything para masarapan ka.   Di ko tuloy ma-imagine yung kelangan mo sabihin ang gagawin everytime magse-sex kayo. I agree, you have to ask your hubby what is going on. At siguro ihanda mo na rin ang sarili mo sa possible revelation.

[angeljolie]

may experienced naman siya sa bed with others girls bago man kami.

Sure ka ba na with girls? Kung sure ka dito, baka naman may third party na hindi mo alam.

[simang]

Sa experience ko it took us several trials before naging successful the very first penetration, that's over the course of 2-3 months I think. My advice is to not put too much pressure on you or your partner, just relax and discover each other first. Since matagal kayong LDR, siguro may mga inhibitions pa kayo when it comes to intimacy. I also don't see anything wrong with telling him what to do, how you want to be touched, etc especially married naman kayo. You can't really expect him to know what to do, baka hindi talaga sya marunong mag foreplay, maybe yung past experience nya na is with just one person and isang beses lang, so kahit na may experience sya it doesn't follow na he knows everything diba. So I think telling him how to do it is okay, as long as you do it lovingly, lalo na asawa mo naman sya.

Add ko na lang rin, I think you're getting frustrated kasi maybe you have this idea in your head that sex is supposed to be mindblowing or kelangan mag multiple orgasm ka or dapat 4-5 hours straight yung session nyo. Or baka napepressure kayo masyado na magkababy. Whatever expectations you have, throw it out muna. Discover your body, discover his. Sure may mga sexual encounters na una pa lang rainbows and butterflies na, but that's not the case for everyone. For most people, it takes time and lots of effective open communication before you reach that certain level of intimacy, especially with you guys who were in LDR -- there's always some level of awkwardness sa simula.

[Apple1230]

@kmark18 one thing i learned about guys is pag may gusto ka you cannot demand it or mang aaway ka to get your way. You have to be subtle about it.

Try mo candle light dinner at home with some wine or other alcoholic beverage to set the mood. Then ikaw na mag initiate. Kiss him very passionately. Do your best to arouse him to the point of no return. Give it to  him first then he will return the favor. Kung gusto mo ng long foreplay gawin mo muna sa kanya. Human nature kasi iyan he will respond to it for sure.

I won't say na gay agad hubby mo baka lang kulang sa lambing. He is not romantic but what about you are you romantic to him? Baka naman just because he doesn't do it to you hindi mo na rin ginagawa sa kanya.

Since married naman na kayo you can do stuff for him. Start by touching more baka sakali dun ma ignite yung fire. Ako kasi hindi rin ako romantic, i am not touchy by nature pero pag ang partner ko romantic or malambing nahahawa rin ako. So instead of complain to him and make an issue out of it do something to change the situation. Guys respond to actions not words.

[ms.holly]

How old are you na sis? And because LDR kayo how did you meet were you friends before? Were there rumors he might be gay?

Madame kaseng gay na bi nowadays some even have kids. 

[otra_vez]

thanks to those who clarified what lambi meant. anyway, i read your post again and for me, his (your husband) being uncircumcised is not an issue. on the contrary, his member should be even more sensitive than a circumcised one. i think that the gay part is a possibility but i should have pointed out that it is not the only possibility. another possibility that i see is, he doesn't see you as a sexual object. also, it is possible that he doesn't really have as much sexual experience as he led you to believe, which is also why he doesn't know how to handle you.

also, men get turned off when they're with women who do not show signs of interest or arousal. kaya din siguro madaling lumambot yung kanya, especially when you get frustrated in bed.

i remember hearing this story about a married couple who took about 1 or 2 years before they enjoyed having sex. they were both virgins when they got married. so anecdotal man yun, it shows that you are not alone.

you should talk to your husband. sex is one of those things you shouldn't feel uncomfortable talking about especially with the one person in the world who needs to solve this issue with you. my suggestion too is that you start slow. maybe you can masturbate together, talk about your fantasies, all that naughty stuff. work on it until you get it right.

goodluck!

[exquisitegem]

Having no sex for the whole duration of your relationship before marriage is quite understandable kasi madami pa namang ganyan. They think it is sacred and should be done only within the sanctity of marriage. Pero curious lang ako, hindi kayo nag phone sex man lang or Sext during those times?

Pag kinasal na, andun na dapat yung gigil factor kasi you've been deprived for quite a long time dba? Baka naman tama yung sinabi ng isang sis dito na baka merong medical condition si husband mo na he's not comfortable to discuss or nahihiya siya to talk about. Make him speak up kasi mag-asawa na kayo. Alam mo dapat yung mga ganung bagay.
For the foreplay, need talaga yun especially on the first stages. It takes a while naman bago mawala yung sakit. Watch porn together para mas ma-arouse kayo.

I won't be jumping to the conclusion na gay agad si hubby mo. Talk to him and sort things out. Pag wala pa ring change, you both need counseling na.

[lalee888]

Great points and pieces of advice already shared here. I was indeed rash in saying hubby is likely gay. Like a doctor who diagnoses based on symptoms, the signs you posted here are what I consider as red flags that indicates the likelihood your hubby is gay. Of course, just because the signs are there, does not automatically mean he is.

I personally find the alternative a little less plausible. There were many red flags/indicators in your original post, OP/TS. At a very early stage in your marriage, you mentioned he is not romantic/affectionate/sweet to you - red flag. He is not making efforts to fix this problem/he sounds indifferent - red flag. You need to "teach" him - red flag. He says I love you everyday - red flag (to me this is a red flag when combined with the other indicators, because it's as if he is throwing a carrot your way to keep you in the marriage, like a front/facade to sweep problems under the rug). He does not engage in any foreplay, when you said he has previous experience - red flag. And all these red flags are in the context of a new marriage, where you were in long distance for the most part prior, so all the more it is a red flag to me.

The description paints a guy who doesn't have a lot of testosterone in his system. It could be a medical issue that can easily be fixed, it could be sexual orientation, or it could be something else entirely.

To OP/TS: you also said "hindi ka naman pangit..." please do not ever think this is your fault or an issue with you. I know you posted seeking for help, hence our sisters here are posting advice directed at you and what you can do. However, sexual satisfaction and attraction is NOT a problem on your side, and should not be your entire responsibility. It's something you BOTH need to work on and find the root cause of.

I think you really need to bring this up with him as a serious concern and ask him about going to a doctor together -- gauge his reaction before you push. If he is refusing your help or refusing any effort, then you have to decide for yourself how to work it out (or not) because you are only in control of yourself and not him. Good luck, OP.

Side note: you may also want to try asking him to play with you, without the pressure of sex. It builds intimacy between you and it's a different kind of sexual satisfaction/fun too. No pressure to have sex, and over time it may lead up to actual sex.

[kvandenhaak]

I am wondering if this marriage is for convenience or TS is pressured to get married. Kasi wala daw kilig factor. Possible palang magkarelasyon ka sa tao without kilig factor?

[sparklingjewel]

^Possible ah, very stable and supportive companionship is hard to let go of.

But i agree with comments here, either may insecurity sya physically that he doesn't want to disclose to the wife or it's a marriage of convenience to hide something (cheating or gay). Maybe it's ignorant to assume all guys naturally have a sex drive but has anyone ever known one who didn't?!

[TysLolakins]

share ko lang, i think this is somewhat related to this thread in a way,  guy is gay, in an LDR with a girl in Pinas, getting married in a few months.

so here goes...

i heard from our yenta network that our gay high school friend is getting married this year.  at first i thought they were just joking,  but apparently it's true, in fact,  some of the yentas have met the girl already, so she's real, not an imaginary fiancee. 

anyway,  this gay friend  has been gay since birth, like everyone and their mother knows.  we've gotten closer  when we reconnected after 30+ years from high-school graduation when we saw each other last.   i turned into a 'babaeng bakla' because of him.  he's based in saudi  btw,  and he had shared with me the stories of his sexcapades with guys,  little horrid sometimes lol.  my point is this friend is full-on gay,  if there's a  gaymeter,  he'll be at the top. 

just recently did i hear that he's getting married daw, that currently he's in LDR with this girl.  this girl daw was an old girlfriend of his.  see the thing with this gay friend,  after high-school/college he tried having relationships with girls only and he mentioned to me that indeed he got a handful of girlfriends.   i do remember him sharing a story that he had an intense sex experience with one of them.
after that stint with girls, he became an OFW, started in the 80s/90s,  and he went back to just dating guys again.  then his luck changed in the last couple of years when the Saudi company he worked for for so many years had closed.  he did find another job but not as well compensated as the previous one.  also heard that he swore off seeing guys and had become more religious.  our communication had stopped too at this time.  and next thing i heard he's getting married.
i have yet to find out how he's gonna be with his future wife as the wedding has not happened yet.  it will be very interesting to find out what kind of marriage they're gonna have.

not sure now what my point is, LOL,  but it seems sexual preference does not hinder guys from getting married (like the case of my hs friend).  he did mention to me before that he's afraid of getting old alone. maybe that's one of his motivations.  but then again,  maybe this friend and his fiancee are going into this marriage for companionship only. 

anyway,  TS will need to talk to her husband.  until she does that,  we all can only speculate.