Irresponsible father

[kvandenhaak]

^It's good to hear na willing ang fiance mo to be a dad to your child. I think think of the best interest of the child. I can totally understand na nakakainis dahil bwiset ang mga ganyang lalake. My son is 13-years old and as much as I didn't like him to be with his dad, kung ano gusto nya when he was younger then dun ako. Kung may safety issue lang ako hindi papayag. Pero ang anak ko na recently ang ayaw pumunta sa daddy nya. At least, desisyon nya and he can't blame me that I deprived him of his right to see his dad. Tanungin mo what your child exactly feels about the whole thing especially pag hindi tinutupad ang pangako. Ask him why does he wants to see his dad? To be fair with him, at least gusto nya pa rin makita ang anak nya kahit special occassions lang. However, kelangan balanced din. Dapat give and take kasi baka naman pag special dates eh deprived ka. For instance, if he wants him to be on Christmas, sa New Year sa inyo naman. If this year magkasama sila sa birthday, next year sa inyo naman. Hindi pwedeng lahat ng special occassions sa kanya lang.

And fight for the right of the child, and that includes child support. The child can't protect himself. It's not about money, it's about responsibility. You have to disclose this to your child so he knows what exactly is going on. Ako kasi ganyan ginawa ko. I explained everything to my son. He understands and so he is also to make informed decisions. They are smart naman.

[Shadow Angel]

Eto ang hindi ko magets sa mga lalaki paano nila nakakaya na pabayaan ang anak nila un as in walang pakialam. Un tipong ikaw sagana ka may car, new gadgets tapos un sarili mong anak di mo naiisip kung kahit papaano meron sya ng mga bagay na gusto nya. Eto isa malaking pagkakaiba ng mga lalaki sa babae although may mga iilang nanay din na nakakatiis sa anak. More than 50 % na lalaki hiwalay sa asawa hindi naman nagbibigay ng sustento or emotional support man lang. Gusto ko malaman ano bang feeling ng tatay na walang paki sa anak. Nagiging masaya ba talaga sila? Naalala ko tuloy ang mga katulad ni Gabby C. and James Yap mga sperm donor lang.

[lalee888]

hi sis @amethyst028 - i think you're doing a great job trying so well to be as objective as possible for your son's well-being... it's not easy to do what you are doing so first off, give yourself a big pat on the back for trying to see things from a different perspective, to make sure you do what is best for your son, and not be swayed by your anger over this unfair situation.

i think only you will be able to make the best decision on how to handle all this, even after hearing different views. You are the only one fully cognizant of your son's ability to handle heartbreak (from broken promises from the dad), your son's resiliency from letdowns, or your son's ability to discern/determine the hardships of life. He might appreciate the burger and toys from dad now and think you are not spoiling him when you're paying his full tuition, but in time, he will recognize the truth. It's difficult for children/teens to understand these things as they are more focused on 'growing up' and not the real world.

siguro a few questions to ask your son: is he being treated well when he is with his dad? does he feel like his dad delivers on his promises? etc? I always found (and was taught this) that sometimes it's best to ask a person questions instead in order to help them make a decision, instead of recommending a path for them.. so ask those 'telling' questions to your son?

As for suing your ex -- that will be a lot of work and it is up to you if you are willing to do it, how it will affect you, your son or how you can do it without affecting your son. I'm sure you will find the best course of action.

I also wanted to share that my father left us when i was a kid. In the early years (10 plus years) of the separation, my dad was still 'around' but was not an active father - he pretended to be active but he never delivered. My mom never spoke ill of him and never made us choose/restrict us. As adults, all of us siblings realized how much of a liar my dad was and how much respect we have for our mom because in spite of her circumstances, she raised us to believe that true love and goodness exist, and that our circumstances were a challenge, not a disability. So in the end we believed we were capable of loving and being loved unconditionally. I'm the only girl and I was not jaded by it, i always knew a good man is out there (and i'm now married to one). As for my brothers, they seem to have adapted/modeled behaviors from other male role models around us (my mom's siblings), and all turned out fine. One incident i recall though, when i was a teen and i wanted "things" like my classmates, i resented my mom for not buying them for me. She said it's my dad's fault. Instead of believing her (at the time), i just got annoyed with her and thought she's the reason why dad left (her behavior and being so selfish about money). Obviously i know now how wrong i was. But my point is, as a teen, i could not have seen the truth because i was too stubborn and my priorities were to grow up, fit in at school, etc.

I hope you find clarity in your situation sis. feel free to update here or share more details/vent. baka makatulong kame in terms of "what would we do if we were in your shoes."

Also congrats on your engagement to a wonderful man. It sounds like your son will have a good role model around him, so if the dad is not active in the picture, LET IT GO na lang : ) Trust me, seeing my bros now - worth it!

[fifi_girl]

Dilemma ko din ito.

I don't really know if i will ask for financial support from my son's father. I have a stable job and with what i am earning, it is enough (sobra pa nga). We are staying with my parents, so hindi din ganun kalaki ang gastos namin pagdating sa bahay. Inisip ko kase na bakit pa ako hihingi, eh afford ko naman. Pero sabi niyo nga, karapatan nung bata yun.

For me kase, kung hindi siya magkukusa, then at the end of the day, masasabi ko na wala siyang karapatan sa anak ko. Not just because of money, but because he wasn't there to emotionally support my son. He was an absent father in my son's formative years.

[plumpolka]

ahh may fiance ka na pala. okay na yan! let your fiance be the dad figure na lang ng anak mo. meron naman na pala syang father figure. i guess there's no need for the real father to be present in his life anymore. it's another story kasi if meron naman na palang willing na tumayo bilang father sa kanya na dapat yung totoong tatay nya gumagawa. i will still stay on my ground siguro na ipapahiram not unless my kid tells me na ayaw na talaga nya makita tatay nya which i think in your case will happen very soon. ang importante lang naman is alam nya sino bio father nya para alam nya san sya nanggaling and ano identity nya. but being a father father im sure your fiance na yung kikilalanin nyang tatay talaga.


yung father kasi ng bf ko, illegitimate din, napagkwentuhan lang din namin and sabi nung father nya, dati daw sa tatay nya sya galit kasi di nagpapakita etc. nung nalaman nya na yung mama naman pala nya ang naglalayo sa kanila ng tatay nya, mas nagalit daw sya sa mama nya. siguro iba iba din naman ng take sa mga bata. ang naalala kong sabi nya, paglaki lalabas daw ugali nung bata either may galit or pwedeng wala. in his case kasi meron...


@lalee888 ang ganda ng reply mo! ganyan din sana gusto ko sabihin hahaha! that's why im replying kahit wala naman ako experience although i know some with the same situation.

[lalee888]

hi sis @fifi_girl, i understand what you mean and how you feel. How can any parent claim to be one if they never fulfilled the duties of a parent?

I am not in your situation and i don't even have a kid (yet) but I can sympathize with the dilemma, it is a tricky and delicate situation. The minute you reach out to the sperm-donor, you expose yourself to possible hurt and issues related to the situation. If you don't reach out, you might be thinking of how unfair the situation is to you, and whether you are doing the right thing for your child or not.

Have you heard of the Serenity Prayer? I don't know but I really love that short prayer. Here it is:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I try to think about difficult decisions in that context.  You may not be able to control/change how your sperm-donor will respond/react, but if you are prepared and know the consequences of what you can/can't control, then you will be okay. If you decide to reach out, always start with a positive and compassionate attitude (non-confrontational) and make sure it is documented (like by email) so that you have evidence in case things turn sour.

I would also approach it with diplomacy (where all parties get something out of the situation) - hence if it were me, I'd avoid asking straight away for child support with a precise figure or arrangement. I would think of it as relationship-building -- would start small and let it grow over time. Maybe, I would offer more time with my child or a more active parenting role -- like start off with school activities muna (not one-on-one time), and maybe ask to cover certain small expenses at first, like summer camp/sports activity that is a wish list of your child... and i will explain the driver behind it (like how i can't afford it because i saved up for tuition only and there is a tuition increase).

Sis, i don't know if that would work.. but i guess all i can say is its always best to approach gently, kindly, and you will always sleep soundly at night knowing you did the best you could.. if he does not help, the burden of sin is on him, not you.

hey sis @plumpolka -- wala rin ako experience as a parent hehe but trying to analyze and also empathize i guess? sometimes when we are the ones in the situation, our judgement gets clouded and we get too emotionally driven with decisions... so outside perspective helps? sana nga makatulong tayo in some way =)

[kvandenhaak]

There's a delicate balance. I have been in that situation. Turned out fine so far between all of us. But I have external support. It's hard to manage and to fight for your child's right alone. I have the support of his family and the authority of the church he is attending. I didn't even have to go to court. Well, I did because he initiated it. He was complaining that he wasn't getting enough hours to see his son. I told the judge, "Why don't him? He can but he's the one not showing up? He wants to see him when it is convenient. Doesn't work that way!" We have an agreement signed in the court. Sya lang ang palaging wala.

My view on child support is that is the right of the child. Hindi naman sya para makapag-shopping ka. It's his responsibility as a dad to provide whatever he can to raise his child. Pero kung parang nanglilimos ka naman then what's the point? That's why it's easier to let someone else decide, like the court. Once it's on paper, at least may upper hand ka naman. But that is probably not easy in the Philippines. 

[fifi_girl]

hi Sis @lalee888, my ex-partner would sacrifice having a relationship with our child than to deal with our problems. Para bang kung hindi kami sasama sa kanya, then wala din akong maaasahan sa kanya. I'm sure madami akong maririnig na hindi maganda once i start asking him to have a relationship with my son. What more pa kung hihingi ako ng financial support?

Sis, i don't know if that would work.. but i guess all i can say is its always best to approach gently, kindly, and you will always sleep soundly at night knowing you did the best you could.. if he does not help, the burden of sin is on him, not you.

No matter how "gently" i ask him, i know he will react negatively. Maybe that's why i would rather not. Though i know it is my son's right.

[preciousjulia]

May kilala akong ganyan.. yung father ang kilala ko. Ang daming issues sa kanya ng mommy ng anak nya. Hindi daw sya nagse-share sa finances, yung time din sa anak nya.
Ang sabi naman nung father kung alam lang ng mga tao na hirap na hirap din sya pakisamahan yung mommy ng anak nya (kaya din siguro sila naghiwalay).
Gusto daw kasi ng mommy laging sa way nya.
Ok daw obligasyon nya suportahan anak nya, kasu yung lifestyle daw kasi ng mommy gusto dun isabay yung halaga na ibibigay nya like sa sobrang mahal na school naka-enroll yung anak nila, travel dito travel dun. Simpleng impleyado lang naman daw sya (father).
Pag daw hindi makapagtravel yung mommy isinusumbat sa kanya na deserve naman daw nya magtravel kasi hirap na hirap na daw sya magpalaki ng anak. Saka deserve daw ng anak nya mag-aral sa mahal na school. Ok daw sabi ng father naintindihan naman daw nya yun. Pero hindi naman daw nasusukat yung pagiging magulang kung sa mahal na school naka-enroll ang anak.
Paano naman daw yung mga simpleng magulang lang na hindi kaya i-enroll sa mamahalin na school ang anak, less as a parent na sila?
Yung hinihiram nya anak nya kailangan muna nya magbigay ng pera, and pag nagpo-post din sya sa social media ng bonding nila ng anak nila ganyan na ganyan din yung dating sa mommy ng bata na pakitang tao lang..
Ang sabi nung father totoo naman daw intention nya sa anak nya, na masaya sya pag kasama nya yung anak nya at sinasabi din nung bata na masaya sya kasama Daddy nya kaya pinopost nya sa fb kasi gusto din nung bata..pero lately tinigil na din nya kasi pati daw yun issue sa mommy. Ang nasa isip nung father baka daw kasi ang kwento nung mommy sa mga kakilala wala syang kwentang Daddy kaya ayaw nakikita sa social media na masaya silang magtatay.
Kami sa side ng father naintindihan namin sya, gusto nya talaga magpaka-tatay sa anak nya pero everytime na makakagawa/hanap sya ng way para gawin yun ang daming issues pa din nung mommy.
Pero ngayong mommy na din ako naintindihan ko na din yung feelings nung mommy..
But then again na-share ko lang po yung side nung father.

[lalee888]

hi Sis @lalee888, my ex-partner would sacrifice having a relationship with our child than to deal with our problems. Para bang kung hindi kami sasama sa kanya, then wala din akong maaasahan sa kanya. I'm sure madami akong maririnig na hindi maganda once i start asking him to have a relationship with my son. What more pa kung hihingi ako ng financial support?
No matter how "gently" i ask him, i know he will react negatively. Maybe that's why i would rather not. Though i know it is my son's right.

I am sorry sis.. i know a lot of women go through this, just because the law says it's your right/your son's right, it is not easy to enforce it and i can respect women (and men) who choose not to pursue a legal option because the stress and trouble, and sometimes agony, can be detrimental. In every decision you must weigh the effort against risk against outcome. Pick your battles. In your case I think you know already sis =) side note: i know a lady who won a child support case against her ex... but the guy presented falsified proof of income (business) so the court could only enforce based on it.. then the guy migrated to the US so the woman gets na-da. The law can't reach him anyway. The woman spent a lot of money on that case... she regrets it because the outcome is the same. You know best if the fight is worth your time or not.

When life throws you a lemon, you can either make a lemonade (squeeze it out) or toss it in the bin (ignore it). It's easy to focus on how unfair the situation is, but then we can also focus on the good thing -- you have a beautiful son, you get to enjoy your son's love and he can't be easily influenced by a sperm donor who seems to be lacking in values... best na rin malayo yung son mo dun if ever baka bad example pa sperm donor dad nya =) Stay positive and happy sis!

[amethyst028]

Just an update

I messaged my ex since my son?s birthday is coming up. I told him na kahit hindi na siya mag bigay financially it doesn?t matter anymore just be there for the kid. He will be a teenager soon and he will need a male figure in his life.

As much as i want to assign other people to the job of his dad like my fiance and my brother i know it is still different. Iba pa rin. So i reached out to his dad, i also told the dad that we only have 7years left before he turns 20 which means he will graduate from college and set off on his own. Who knows where his ambitions will take him. It might be overseas. So let?s just do our best while we still can and while we still have him.

My ex wanted to chat some more but i said we only communicate if it concerns our son. Otherwise no chitchat coz we are not friends. I told him let?s just do our part in raising him well and help him become the best person he can possibly be.

Regarding finances he said he will give monthly support. I told him it?s up to him but i am not going to ask him for money. If he wants to give then give, if he doesn?t want to i don?t care. Just be a good example for the boy. That?s all i am asking from him.

It?s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Magaan lang yung feeling. I have no feelings for my ex whatsoever, no hatred, no bitterness, no love, no compassion, just plain nothing. He is like a stranger to me but we have a kid together and my son is all that matters. His well being and his future is bigger than both of us so we need to set our differences aside. Whatever the outcome will be i just hope and pray to God that my son will have a full and happy life. That we did right with him. As a mother i cannot win his battles for him, i can only give him the right weapons. I know i cannot do it alone so i?m gonna need all the help i can get. 

[lalee888]

wow sis thanks for the update

sounds like a positive outcome all around.. you got it off your chest and you can move forward knowing you made a good effort and a well-meaning outreach.. however your ex responds is up to him, but the peace you got from this sounds really amazing and worthwhile, isn't it?

much to be learned here. congrats and wish it turns out even better from this point on!

[amethyst028]

^Thank you sis.

Yes kailangan lang ibahin ang mindset. My ex did not change, he is still the same guy. I know kinda dramatic and a lot of single moms out there are raising teenage boys by themselves and they are doing a mighty good job at it. Sa akin lang i want my son the have the best of both worlds. His dad might not be the greatest person pero dad niya pa din yun. And God has a reason why kame ang pinili niya maging parents for my son.

Right now wala akong expectations sa ex ko. Whether he steps up to the plate or not is up to him basta ako binigyan ko siya ng chance na maging tatay. In the end i will not have any regret coz i did my best as a parent.