Which matters more to you, chemistry or compatibility?

[kvandenhaak]

Siguro compatibility in the sense of common interest is also learned. And realistically, there is no such thing as totally compatible. Two different people will have differences regardless of how much you have in common. We just learned to adapt or for some to settle. Compatibility is not having common interest, it's how you are willing to adapt to each other. May mga kilala rin akong totally different person but their relationship works.

[glamorosa_09]

so if we take a step further back and look at everything we've discussed -- everything is about COMPATIBILITY. If you have different hobbies but can make it work, it means you are compatible because you share the same value of making it work.

If we're going to base it on marital literature -- whether it's the 5Cs or 3Cs -- the act of making something work falls under COMMITMENT na...

Compatibility is not having common interest, it's how you are willing to adapt to each other. May mga kilala rin akong totally different person but their relationship works.

Your previous example was about Vaughn. You mentioned okay sila at first and then 12 years after they grew apart. Baka naman scrutinizing it through the lens of compatibility vs chemistry is not enough. Baka under yan ng commitment or kung ano pa...

Kasi kung based sa faded compatibility, for example, from masinop sa pera naging gastador. Parang ganun yung dating ng faded compatibility saken. OR nagbase sa minor compatibility si girl tapos there's major incompatibility na irreconcileable, which is not necessarily faded incompatibility. You also mentioned growth, hindi nag-grow si Vaughn... Hindi nag-grow or may something sa character nya? What impeded the growth then? Anyway, yun lang...

Re: 100% compatibility

 About 100% compatibility, wala naman talaga. Pero maganda, alam mo yung deal breakers sayo (kahit by instinct man lang), at maganda compatible kayo dun. Sa minor incompatibilities, wala naman problema dun.

Magkakaproblema, kung doon ka lang nag-base at nabulaga ka sa major incompatibility. Kaya may sinasabi silang irreconcileable differences. And iba iba tayo ng minor at major dahil iba iba tayo ng preferences and backgrounds. Yes, pwede i-work out ang mga incompatibilities, but you know it's problematic pag nakakaramdam ka na ng stress, unhappiness, and resentment. Kung manageable ang differences, then that's good.

The more i think about it the more i agree with my husband's viewpoint. Chemistry is a part of compatibility. It's not one or the other.

Thoughts?

Okay lang to make personal theories. But I also consulted a book by John Lucas, a psychologist. And based from my interpretation of what I read, compatibility can be under chemistry.

According to Lucas, author of Conscious Marriage, chemistry denotes interest, attraction, and even sexual attraction (we know this). Paano if you met someone with whom you share similar values, pero di mo naman trip itsura nya, di mo maimagine katabi mo matulog.

Lucas further explained, we have a template of attraction in each one of us (eg attracted ka sa matangkad? Sa chubby? Etc). And that template includes genetic, emotional, and mental components. Taking these three together will lead to chemistry.

Now, isa-isahin ko yung components na sinasabi nya. Hindi nya inelaborate eh...

Genetic -- From one book that I read, I guess ito yung sensual attraction (how he moves, how he sounds, how he looks like). You can't explain, basta attracted ka sa ganun. Pwede naman hindi iisang tipo lang. Even after 8 years of marriage, tinititigan ko pa rin husband ko. Pero maaaring di sya kagwapuhan para sa iba.

Emotional -- Yung mga needs mo, does he meet it in a way? Do you feel special? Do you feel seen and listened to?

Mental -- Nandito siguro yung perceived compatibilities or similarities. Yung aware kang pinahahalagahan mo ha (eg educational attainment). Kaya siguro, hindi ka na drawn kung magkaiba kayo dito. To others nga lang, they aren't aware na may mga significant areas pala na opposite sila.

Sabi ni Lucas, when we meet someone who matches our unconscious, inner template, the psychophysiology of attractions occur. This will then lead to chemistry wherein you want to get to know the person more, you want to be with him. If the attraction is mutual, then a relationship will happen.

Now based from these, I think compatibility is under the mental component of attraction that leads to chemistry. Makes sense, if you're aware before the relationship na major turn off sayo ang gastador, and the guy is one, attraction will not develop, hence there will be no chemistry (wanting to be with him or develop relationship with him).

So from the previous discussion, we associated chemistry to physical attraction and emotional connection only... Pero sinabi ni Lucas, may mental component pa, which is siguro yung perceived similarities. But, I can only infer based from previous readings.

As of now, eto yata tingin ko based sa nabasa ko at inference ko,

Chemistry = physical attraction + emotional connection + compatibility

Pwede naman magkaron ng chemistry with strong attraction and emotional connection but with minimal compatibility. Minimal dahil pwedeng hindi ka aware kung ano values mo (kahit by instinct, not necessarily na-verbalized mo).

So baka ang magandang tanong emotional connection vs compatibility OR physical attraction vs compatibility. Na ang sagot ay, ganon pa rin para saken, both!

Ang dami kong sinabi... Sorry naman...

[lalee888]

^sis it's great to share opinions, inferences (as you have), theories and knowledge -- that's what fuels interesting conversations and allows us to learn from the experiences of others. don't apologize for a long post. it's great that you take time to share your views pa nga!

Actually, when my husband stated his opinion, i asked him the reverse (i have the tendency to ask the reverse always, just so we can have opposing perspectives). I basically asked him what you stated and read -- could chemistry encompass compatibility instead? it was a question in passing, and we shrugged it off. He said he thinks compatibility encompasses chemistry but I didn't care to elaborate/discuss. It was a casual conversation and we went about doing our thing and talking about other things.

Anyway, I think my personal opinion and conclusion though, from a practical (i really mean in terms of order) viewpoint is that compatibility encompasses chemistry. But i also think this is just semantics, and the truth is i really think both can be correct, depending on how one sees it/applies it (oversimplification is to blame).

More importantly, I really think one goes with the other and that they can NOT be separated. I think a deeply happy relationship can not be sustained without the other.

[kvandenhaak]

@glamorosa_09: It was actually Vaughn who told me that the reason why they divorced was because they grew apart. I was wondering what he meant by that at what lead to it? Vaughn obviously had some major character flaw. He's in his 40's but living the lifestyle of a 20 something year old. Kelangan me pupuntahan sya tuwing weekend. He leaves on Friday at comes back on Sunday evening. It was working fine in the beginning. Actually, the ex told me that they really had lots of fun travelling to different places. Pero syempre as you grow old, minsan mas feel mo na lang manood ng TV on a weekend, a quiet evening just the two of us. One problem I see is that they are living kind of separately. They don't share bank accounts. Whatever is hers is hers and his, just his. Sabi ni Vaughn, to simplify things. Unfortunately, it made things more complicated. Sometimes, you grow as a couple when there's conflict. When you learn compromises and accepting each other's flaws. Nawalan na rin ng gana si ex to mentor her husband. And to aggravate the situation, nawala ng work si wifey. Now, hindi na sila on the same page kasi can't afford na sya. Vaughn thought it's better to cheat than to fix the problem. Mas madrama pa yung next scenes, parang telenovela. But it's pretty much the story.

[Shadow Angel]

^diba di naman unusual sa mga Canadians ang separate accounts or anything na about money. Though may iilan pa rin na joint account like us.

Basta ako for choosing a partner I'll still go for both I can't disregard one of them na missing sa partner ko.

[kvandenhaak]

Not in my circle of friends, and a lot of them are white. They are traditional and conservative when it comes to that. Maybe there are those who kept their accounts separate but not totally separate na pag wala kang pera, bahala ka sa buhay mo. What Vaughn said was that they decided to keep it separate para daw walang masabi ang wife pag gumastos sya. No wonder his ex said para lang silang roommates. 

[Shadow Angel]

^grabe naman if walang paki kung maubos ng budget ng isa or siguro utangan sila. Sa circle friends ni hubby iilan lang ang conservative like my husband family's actually 2 lang sila (including my hubby) na kasal sa circle of friends nya. Un iba common in law kahit malalaki ng mga anak.

[glamorosa_09]

@lalee

Okay lang yun... Like you said, depends on how you sees it... When you search google, iba-iba rin.

Lucas kasi is one of our coursework references... In fact first C nya ay chemistry among the 5 Cs.

Anybody can argue their own Cs.

@kvandenhaak

Mukhang si Vaughn yung laging nasusunod... He insisted on his lifestyle even if it's not working already, and he's the one who decided for separate bank accounts while walang say si ex? Mahirap din to compromise with a person who couldn't be budged.

Siguro the ex-partner tried to make it work but Vaughn refused to meet in the middle. Tska parang he only cared about himself, "what he wanted, what he preferred, what he liked."And when the going got tough, hindi lang nya iniwan sa ere si girl nung nangailangan ito, he cheated pa. May empathy ba sya?

Yeah, there is something more about Vaughn nga, and perhaps some character flaw, which makes it impossible for the relationship to work.

[amethyst028]

Sa amin ng fiance ko nauna yung compatibility, initially kasi hindi ko siya type pero as i got to know him i realized we share the same values and gusto ko yung character niya. When we touched and kiss for the first time dun ko din na feel na we have chemistry.

Like other posts here i think chemistry and compatibility has to go hand in hand. Choose a partner na meron both for the long term success of the relationship.

[sweet21]

For me compatibility. Chemistry is sa umpisa lang. Pero pag nawala na yung spark, don mo hahanapin kung compatible ba kayo. Based from experience, malaking bagay talaga yung pagkakapareho nyo. Yung pareho kayo ng gusto at pinaniniwalan. Yung goals nyo sa buhay and all. Pag kasi compatible kayo, the chemistry will follow. Say sa conversation, kapag meron kayo something in common na napag usapan, pareho kayo ng gusto ang views sa buhay magkakaron din ng spark yung relationship, which is chemistry.

[angeljolie]

I must say you ladies have taken this discussion to the next level! Hehe. Medyo hindi ko na nasundan because obviously you all have profound arguments.

I feel the need to get you without going thru all the readings hehe so I will pose an overly simplified hypothetical question:

Let's say you grew up a devout Catholic and you love traveling. You meet Guy1 who is Catholic and hates traveling and Guy2 who is Muslim and loves traveling. Who would you consider dating?

[amethyst028]

^which is more important to you sis shared belief or shared love for traveling

If it was me i would go for the devout catholic who shares my faith and passion for God. Yan ang pinaka nagustuhan ko sa fiance ko mahilig magsimba and he also does charity works for the church. Hindi siya mahilig mag travel super homebody so what i do is if i want to go out of town or out of the country inaaya ko na lang friends ko.

Kahit staycation ayaw niya he prefers to sleep in his own bed daw. For me ok lang na ganun siya ang importante yung mga endearing qualities niya like mabait, matiyaga, responsible, he just lets me be, good provider, masipag, loving, respectful, may sense of humor, God fearing, matalino etc. So kung may kulang man sa kanya mas madami pa rin yung positives na in the long run is very important.

So ikaw sis dapat check mo kung ano yung mahalaga talaga sayo then dun mo i base yung decision mo. Personally i love the outdoors, the beach, exploring new places ang bisyo ko is traveling talaga but i ended up with a guy na naka glue na ang katawan sa bahay niya. Ok lang naman i do it with friends and enjoy pa din. I get to have the best of both worlds kasi pag uwi ko andiyan siya happy to see me and not once did he make me feel guilty.

[glamorosa_09]

Ket hypothetical? Pwedeng real problem? Hehe...

Sa pamimili ng partner parang kulang yung info on religion and recreation.

As a catholic na nagserve na mula bata pa, pipiliin ko syempre yung catholic. Pero di pa dun natatapos kasi may iba pa ko standards like he must live within/below his means. Major for me ito, at ayaw kong magrisk by believing na mababago ko sya. Kung nag nagkataon, wala rin ako mapipili in the end.

So I think, baka may alam ka pang deal breakers sayo. Like what have you learned from your previous relationships. Or any values you abide by.

[simang]

I must say you ladies have taken this discussion to the next level! Hehe. Medyo hindi ko na nasundan because obviously you all have profound arguments.

True! This is why I loved GT, people here are smart and sensible

------

After reading all the responses, I came to a conclusion na semantics lang ito. Haha! Kasi talagang parang one cannot go without the other, they're both encompassing. Essential talaga both.

[lalee888]

I must say you ladies have taken this discussion to the next level! Hehe. Medyo hindi ko na nasundan because obviously you all have profound arguments.

I feel the need to get you without going thru all the readings hehe so I will pose an overly simplified hypothetical question:

Let's say you grew up a devout Catholic and you love traveling. You meet Guy1 who is Catholic and hates traveling and Guy2 who is Muslim and loves traveling. Who would you consider dating?

So the question is faith versus hobby? Well that's kind of a no-brainer. I'll choose faith, faith drives a lot of our principles, beliefs and practices and is much harder to change (conversion) whereas a hobby can be introduced or you can create a new hobby together.

But the truth is, character, not faith and not hobbies, mean the most to me.

[kvandenhaak]

^grabe naman if walang paki kung maubos ng budget ng isa or siguro utangan sila. Sa circle friends ni hubby iilan lang ang conservative like my husband family's actually 2 lang sila (including my hubby) na kasal sa circle of friends nya. Un iba common in law kahit malalaki ng mga anak.

Eh siguro...lol! But that would be really weird for a married couple. My ex's family are all conservative Christians. My Filipino circle of friends are all born again Christians. My co-workers aren't but they seem to be also on the conservative side. But then I live in Alberta in Canada which is predominantly politically and culturally conservative so kaya siguro most of the people I meet are more traditional and conservative. Mas traditional pa nga sila kesa sa mga Pinoy. Funny no?

Mukhang si Vaughn yung laging nasusunod... He insisted on his lifestyle even if it's not working already, and he's the one who decided for separate bank accounts while walang say si ex? Mahirap din to compromise with a person who couldn't be budged.

Siguro the ex-partner tried to make it work but Vaughn refused to meet in the middle. Tska parang he only cared about himself, "what he wanted, what he preferred, what he liked."And when the going got tough, hindi lang nya iniwan sa ere si girl nung nangailangan ito, he cheated pa. May empathy ba sya?

Yeah, there is something more about Vaughn nga, and perhaps some character flaw, which makes it impossible for the relationship to work.

Not exactly sure pero sa nakita ko Vaughn got stuck somewhere and was not able to keep up maturity wise. Kasi ang ex smart ang dating sa akin and Vaughn was the one who needed nurturing and mentoring all the time. He just can't stand just staying home. He needs to be out and about especially weekends. He likes to travel a lot. Kaya din hindi kami fit for each other because I can't keep up with his lifestyle. Minsan weekend biglang magti-text nasa downtown na daw sya sa hotel asking me to come and join him. Eh may anak akong di pwedeng basta iwanan plus hindi ako tipong mahilig gumimik and nightlife isn't my thing. Pag naisipan mag-golf, he would fly to Vancouver on a weekend just to golf. I can't do that. I am a single mom. Now, his ex was making good money din but she got laid off because of the price of oil dropped significantly. She probably felt alone suddenly. I am not sure exactly.

Anyways, hindi ba modern concept din itong chemistry and compatibility in a relationship. Naisip ko lang nung unang panahon a lot of marriages are arranged especially royal marriages. Even in Biblical times, marriages were arranged including Adam and Eve, Mary and Joseph. I am not saying it's the ideal, I am just saying there must be more than chemistry (usually eto lust sa palagay ko) and compatibility for a relationship to work. What do you think?

[Shadow Angel]

^Dito naman sa Quebec halo pero nagugulat pa rin ako how conservative they are than me.

About bible and religion sorry but I am not religious di ako naniniwala about sa ganyan. Isa sa mga dahilan ko kaya hindi pinoy ang pinili ko maging asawa nagkakaroon kasi ng conflict between sa paniniwala ko at sa paniniwala ng mga ex.

[kvandenhaak]

^I understand. I was just trying to imply that it's a tradition that existed in the older times and this chemistry and compatibility is a modern time concept.

[lalee888]

Actually sisses, your points reminded me of how neo-modern times weddings/marriages were depicted as a FAIRY TALE type event. It still exists today. Kaya nga there is a premium on chemistry - because there was the ideology of a prince charming who comes and makes a woman fall, have fuzzy feelings and live happily ever after. *SMH*

People forget that marriage is a commitment bound by a legal instrument, practically speaking. It's a contract between two people and that contracts allows lawful authorities to recognize the spouse as the de facto decision-maker when necessary. The contract to marry civilly, registers the spouse as the dependent and person of authority for all legal purposes. The contract to marry in a religious institution is a way of life decision, that the couple chooses to have a marriage guided by that faith's principles and values.

At the end of the day, the commitment needs to be met and how do you meet that? chemistry, compatibility, whatever the formula is. It's all semantics. The combination of individual will, respect, love, values/priorities, chemistry all work toward meeting the commitment of marriage.

My opinion i know is very unpopular -- i just want to be realistic, wag kalimutan na commitment ang marriage, it's not a game of e-rings and frills. I don't know what to do with my e-ring nga. I mean i love it, but i can't wear it when traveling naman (safety/security concerns) so parang sayang sya for me, money na hindi nag-eearn tapos we pay insurance pa monthly to secure it.

[glamorosa_09]

Anyways, hindi ba modern concept din itong chemistry and compatibility in a relationship. Naisip ko lang nung unang panahon a lot of marriages are arranged especially royal marriages. Even in Biblical times, marriages were arranged including Adam and Eve, Mary and Joseph. I am not saying it's the ideal, I am just saying there must be more than chemistry (usually eto lust sa palagay ko) and compatibility for a relationship to work. What do you think?

It's true, modern concept ang chemistry and compatibility. Meron ding iba, like love languages.

But usually, itong mga concepts na ito were not invented out of nowhere by people who conceptualised it, instead they are products of their own observations on human relationships. Eh the endeavour of studying humans and their mental processes and how it affect their behaviors (known as psychology) is relatively new too.

Some of those people dealt and/or studied relationships as  counselors, psychologists, social researchers, anthropologists. They learned what worked and what did not. They wrote about it, talked about it, popularized it.

Some studies nga follow newly weds up to the point that some divorced and some are still doing well. They identified characteristics of happy and unhappy couples. And then publish what they found out.

And, to answer your other question, hindi naman compatibility and chemistry lang. Ito lang ba nagpe-predict ng marital happiness? Hindi naman... Individual characteristics of spouses (e.g., neuroticism, effects of childhood environment, etc), also has an effect on marriage. Anyway, ang daming researches dyan. Siguro yung compatibility, eh menos conflicts lang. Ang masama, di pa kayo marunong ng conflict resolutions, so nagpa-pile up na lang.

Anyway, aside from romantic relationships, may mga modern concepts din sa field ng parenting and individual happiness. Ganun din ang approach, they studied parent-child relationships and happy people.

Re:chemistry as lust

Lust and infatuation and attraction are part of chemistry. It's the nature's way for two people to bond and procreate. Pero from erotic love, it must grow to a mature/agape love.