Which matters more to you, chemistry or compatibility?

[sacred cow]

In choosing a partner whether for relationship or marriage, which do you put more weight?

"Compatibility usually corresponds to the long-term potential between two people. High compatibility between people comes from similarities in their lifestyles and values. Educated and liberal people usually date other educated and liberal people. Hedonists usually date other hedonists. Insane religious nuts usually date other insane religious nuts. For no other reason than people of opposite moral values, quite literally, repel each other. And sometimes violently.

Chemistry on the other hand, represents the emotional connection present when you?re with each other. Two people who have a high degree of chemistry have emotional make-ups and personalities that bring out warm, fuzzy emotions in the other, creating a kind of positive feedback loop through which they continue to make each other feel better and better. When you have a high degree of chemistry with someone, they monopolize your thoughts and/or your free time. You?ll stay up talking until the sun comes up and not even feel like an hour went by. You?ll hope that every call or text is him/her. And it will be. You?ll walk through life constantly wondering, ?What would he/she think about X?? where X is a song, a bird, a walk through the park, a traffic jam, or a tenuous visit to the dentist."
https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry

[Girltalker2]

Both

But if I have to choose one, compatibility.

[simang]

This is a tough choice, i feel like both are essential for a relationship to last. Pero kung isa lang talaga, siguro compatibility for me. At the back of my head though, kelangan rin talaga ng chemistry kahit katiting lang haha.

[glamorosa_09]

Para kasing ang tanong eh, "Anong mas mahalaga sa iyo, bubong o haligi?" Mahirap sagutin dahil both are essential parts of the house with different functions, that is, kung gusto mo ng comfortable and liveable house.

Anyway, I will share for the purpose of relationship discussion/education.

When I was single I looked for both compatibility and chemistry. For compatibility, I had my non-negotiables (e.g., financial attitude, family values, religion). I have these para bawas na conflicts. Kung konti lang naman or minor ang incompatibility, pwedeng magcompromise, pero kung halos lahat ng areas incompatible kayo... It could result to stress due to conflicts and anger because you couldn't understand each other.

I also looked for chemistry -- yung "feel" ng magkasama kami. Thought to myself that I want the comfort level I have with my three closest friends. I'm free to be myself and yet we will still click. So these are that I looked for: How do I feel with him? When I say something, do I feel listened to? When in conversation, nagkakasakayan ba kami sa isa't isa? As the description above said, chemistry deals with emotional connection, but more than the emotional connection (and comfort level) that chemistry brings, it also meets emotional needs. Nandito yung friendship factor which is important in the relationship.

In two frameworks I know, chemistry and compatibility can be arranged in a hierarchy where chemistry lies near the foundation and compatibility above it. Parang pre-requisite yung nasa baba, but doesn't suggest mas importante yung nasa baba (o nasa taas). In my experience, meron naman mga guys who met my non-negotiables, pero wala naman chemistry. Kung dito lang ako mag-base, parang ang dry naman pag magkasama kami. Wala nga kaming conflicts, pero parang wala ring kaming buhay.

At the same time, ayaw ko naman din ng chemistry lang, baka mamaya madami kaming maging conflicts, ang sakit naman sa puso nun. Pero it's enticing to lower the standards kasi clicked talaga kayo. Kaya marami sigurong tao who marry due to chemistry, but later on found out marami pa lang conflicts. Naapektuhan tuloy yung chemistry.

Anyway, with the thread question, which I'm not sure about the purpose of, I will still choose both just like what I did when I was single. And I highly suggest for singles to choose both din, not to prioritize one over the other, kasi major weakness in one will affect the overall functioning of relationship/marriage. Parang baga o bituka, major illness of one will affect overall health. Whether what is major and minor in a relationship will completely depend on you.

[Evolet027]

Interesting thread. Thanks sa insights.

[kvandenhaak]

Chemistry goes first then compatibility. But it has to go together.

[Shadow Angel]

Super agree kay @glamorosa when you choose a partner lalo na kung di nag work un last relationship dahil you disregard major compatibility kasi in a long run hindi talaga mag wowork ang relationship kung isa lang ang present ex. Love or chemistry lang ang meron kasi ibang aspect of needs hindi na mameet lalo na daily basis at pang matagalan. I don't believe rin na puro love lang or basta mahal mo kaya lahat kasi every person has a different limits.

Hindi rin naman maglalast ang relatioship kung puro compatibility lang paano naman un emotional needs mo. Kaya para sa akin you need both. I experience kasi un karelasyon ko di ko compatible sa maraming bagay at paniniwala ko pero malakas ang chemistry eventually na feel ko di na ko masaya dahil dami  kinaiinisan na hindi kami pareho. Na alam ko kung ipipilit or ilalaban ko pa relationship namin hiwalayan din ang ending namin. Kasi Un solution temporary lang kasi pinagbigyan para walang away pero sa ending lalabas pa rin un issues nyo dalawa na di kayo pareho ng gusto sa buhay.

[angeljolie]

It depends on what you need. Based on my current need (dahil umaasa akong may forever), if I have to choose one, it would be compatibility. People change and chemistry fades, and when it does, you might end up realizing you belong to completely different universes and don't have ANYTHING in common at all. The connection is suddenly lost.

[glamorosa_09]

^True sis chemistry fades. Pero wino-work on ito, hindi hinahayaang nakatiwang-wang lang na faded. Infatuation is part of chemistry, and nawawala nga ito. Pero yung continuous exchanges at positive feelings (eg fondness, appreciation) for each other ng mag-asawa, dapat present, at kailangan i-work on kung nawala. (I added marriage, kasi applicable din sya, and highly problematic pag nawala).

Sa marriage (not sure about bf-gf) Kaya natin ina-advice ang mag-asawa na mag-date naman sila, magbakasyon naman sila ng wala yung kids... Kasi they emotionally drifted apart due to different reasons (eg busy-ness). So para na silang stranger sa isa't isa, naging roommates na lang, kahit common pa rin ang direction nila sa buhay.

And like what shadowangel mentioned, nandito yung daily interaction. Hindi naman kayo araw-araw nag-uusap tungkol sa values niyo sa buhay. Pangit din puro functionals lang pinag-uusapan, "kelan mo bayaran kuryente? Pakilinis naman ng kwarto... Tumawag na ba yung PLDT?"

Agree din ako na chemistry muna yung unang nabubuo, bago malaman yung compatibility. Pero sa personality ko, tinago ko muna puso ko, utak muna ginamit ko.  Tipong, "puso, si utak muna mamimili ha, tapos pag pumasa sa kanya, it's your turn na to test it." Hangga't maaari I avoid investing too much time and emotions... It's also my way of guarding my heart.

But that's just me, hindi kasi ako adventurous/live-in-the-moment na tao, goal-oriented ako, kaya it also applied during my dating. Ang ginawa ko, kunwari nagtatanung-tanong lang ako ng kung [textspeak!]-ano sa lalaki, pero nag-babackground check na ko, LOL.

Anyhoo, I'm not saying my way is the only way. Meron namang iba na they enjoyed the chemistry, jumped into the relationship, took one day at a time, and later on found out, maganda ang compatibility nila. They're lucky. Kaya lang, if you're single presently, medyo risky nga lang ito, kasi parang mag-iinvest ka na, tapos hindi mo pa sure kung swak kayo sa mga major values mo o mga pinapahalagahan mo sa buhay. Unless give way ka ng give way.

Anyway, sabi nila pag naghahanap o namimili ka ng partner, idilat mo ng maigi ang mata mo. Pag nahanap mo na sya at kasal na kayo, ipikit mo na ang mata mo. That means, kahit mabusisi ka, wala pa ring perfect. Ang importante, na-cover mo na yung mga importante para sayo.

[lalee888]

Great answers in this thread and indeed a debatable, contentious topic.

I agree they have to go together; however if i were to look at it OBJECTIVELY (goal-oriented), I'll choose COMPATIBILITY first. The chemistry has a HIGHER CHANCE of following suit if we are compatible... ("omg ikaw rin, ganyan pangarap/plano mo sa buhay -- pareho tayo!!" - breeds chemistry).

I just find that the odds are in my favor if i prioritize compatibility. Chemistry does not breed compatibility and i think, incompatibility can kill chemistry. While in reverse, compatibility may breed chemistry (kasi nga you have something in common to talk about and feel the emotional connection na wow, sa dami ng tao sa mundo, nakaaktuwa you find someone alike).

BUT, they must go together.. a dry relationship is no fun at all

[otra_vez]

compatibility is more important in the long run but agree with those who said you have to have both. you have to have that spark, that bond with someone because those warm fuzzy feelings are the ones that get you through during difficult times. you have to be able to remember and rekindle that overwhelming love you feel for the other person and you won't be able to do that if it never existed in the first place.

[kvandenhaak]

But compatibility can also fade depending if both grow at the same rate. I used to date a guy (itago na lang natin sa pangalang Vaughn...lol). He and ex were together since they were 15 years old, got married between 24-27 years old. Got divorced after 12 years. They were a perfect couple but Vaughn didn't grow as a man. Sabi ni ex-wife, he became more like a roommate rather than a husband. But she said they had lots of fun together, they like exactly the same things. But I guess, being married to someone takes a lot more than that. It takes work, time and effort in both parties to make the relationship work. Basing on what the ex told me and how I know Vaughn, I don't think they have a chance had they met later in life.

[TysLolakins]

based on my own life,  i will choose chemistry.  there has to be that spark and that spark had been fueling our lives together for the last 4 decades.

[hisana]

It's a tricky mixture of both talaga. I've been in a relationship na mostly chemistry lang, and I've been in one na mostly compatibility naman, and I cannot say that one is more important than the other. Hindi rin natin kasi masasabi for sure what makes a happy and long-lasting union, and there are so many other factors to consider. I think it's really a case to case basis, how you two complement each other, ano ba gusto mo from the relationship, etc. I think nga minsan na it sometimes boils down to luck na lang you found the right person for you, LOL, na everything seems to click into place.

[lalee888]

^luck or chance sis, yes I agree. I think finding a match is definitely luck sis.

I asked my husband the question on this thread and he said BOTH and that the question is silly because he thinks that compatibility is the broader term for chemistry; that it encompasses chemistry.

Trick question!

[simang]

Meron namang iba na they enjoyed the chemistry, jumped into the relationship, took one day at a time, and later on found out, maganda ang compatibility nila. They're lucky.

This is exactly what happened to me and husband! Kaya I think talagang chemistry + compatability have to go together for a relationship to be meaningful.

Agree rin ako with lalee na compatibility encompasses chemistry -- kasi sa experience ko, the more I learned how 'aligned' we were, the more I was drawn to my partner. Mas may depth yung kilig, mas malalim yung physical, sexual, emotional attraction.

[glamorosa_09]

I agree it's luck -- for those who don't know what they're looking for and for those who know.

In my case, kahit na alam ko ang gusto ko, posible namang yung makilala kong ganun, eh committed na o kaya di ako type nyang babae. O kaya wala talaga akong makilalang ganun... So I guess I'm lucky too, because that man exists (with compatibility and chemistry), single at the time, and wanted to commit with me.

As for compatibility fades, I guess depende sa area of compatibility. Pwedeng compatible sila sa interests (eg recreation, sports). It naturally adds to the chemistry and fun.  But they aren't compatible pala with values (eg belief toward financial savings, parenting, family time). O kaya the guy, wala talaga sa isip nya itong mga ito.

[lalee888]

^ditto, sis.

It depends on what area. Some areas make or break a relationship. Principles and value for example, if incompatible, will break a relationship. Hobbies and interests, if incompatible, can be weathered -- just have separate hobbies.

so if we take a step further back and look at everything we've discussed -- everything is about COMPATIBILITY. If you have different hobbies but can make it work, it means you are compatible because you share the same value of making it work.

The more i think about it the more i agree with my husband's viewpoint. Chemistry is a part of compatibility. It's not one or the other.

Thoughts?

[Shadow Angel]

^for me naman magkaiba sila may mga friends tayo na kacompatible natin pero wala naman tayo chemistry with them.

Mahirap din walang chemistry kasi may mga times gusto mo un mga kilig factor. Hindi dahil sweet si partner ha.

Ako naman un type ng person na just because hilig mo un ang views mo un na rin ang gugustuhin ko. May mga taong willing gustuhin ang mga interest ng partner nila. Pag hindi ko talaga gusto di ko talaga gagawin unless na lang hinihingi ng pagkakataon or gusto ko sya gawin dati pero hindi ko lang magawa.

[lalee888]

^sis actually what you said is what i meant, i just said it in a different way = )

sa hobby, if ayaw ko but gusto ng husband ko, i will try to like it, adjust, or let him do it without me.. sya din ganun sa akin. so ang labas, compatible kame kasi pareho kame na nagbibigayan. hindi compatible sa hobby, pero the chemistry between us makes us compatible to be giving to each other. Kaya agree ako sa husband ko na sabi nya, chemistry is a part of compatibility, it's not one or the other.. =)