Pregnant at 19

[zechariah]

Hello po everyone!! I just discovered this site and I don't usually do this and I'm not even sure if I'm in the right thread but I really, really need some "motherly" advice right now. Soo let me introduce myself first. I'm Z, I'm currently 19 years old and a university student. I've been with the baby daddy for almost 6 years 'til I decided to break up with him last January (?) because he's really g*ago and a cheater but I didn't know that I was pregnant then; I just found out after the break-up over 2 months ago. But I made a wrong move and still told him about my pregnancy so he's acting like everything's normal between us right now but I was very clear to him na never na akong makikipag-balikan with him. Though to be fair with him, we never thought about abortion and he's really willing na "panagutan" ako.

But here's my problem. When we told our parents (his mom and dad + my dad and stepmom) about it, they wanted us to get married because they're very very traditional and nakakahiya raw and stuff like that. My ex is really game with this idea... I think everyone in our families are, except me. I tried reaching out to my biological mom about this but as usual she's too busy with her new family to even care about me.  I know I made a mistake but I don't want to make another mistake by marrying this guy na wala namang ibang ginawa kundi lokohin ako. I gave him multiple chances and when I finally realized na he's no good for me, my t*nga self got pregnant naman. I know I'm being so selfish because I really want to give my baby the kind of family that I never had but I just can't marry the guy...

So I really need your help Please enlighten me. Please please please help

[plumpolka]

dont let them decide for you. you decide for yourself kasi future mo yan e. ikaw ang magpapakasal. ikaw ang makikisama sa kanya habang buhay and yan ang pinaka maling reason para magpakasal, ang nabuntis. eventually, the guy would find someone he really wants to marry and hindi yung prinessure lang sya kasi nabuntis nya or sa family nya. meron isang thread dito na kabit sya ng married guy. ang sabi ni kabit, napressure lang daw yung bf nya magpakasal sa wife kasi naanakan lang daw. not saying ganon ang future mo, but its possible right? think of your own life, wag yung kahihiyan nila. buhay mo yan. you made a mistake so wag ka na gumawa ng isa pang mistake. and that is tying up your life with a guy you dont want. goodluck sis! stand on your ground. if ayaw ng family mo, problema nila yun. buhay mo yan, you decide for yourself. marriage should be out of the option if hindi yun ang gusto mo.

[bratty]

Congratulations on the baby. While your ex-bf maybe g*go, I admire him pa din dahil gusto ka nya panagutan and no thoughts of aborting the baby. I agree with sis plumpolka, if you do not want to marry the guy, be firm with your decision. Wag ka magpa-pressure kasi lifetime commitment yan. Good luck sis, and may you have a healthy pregnancy.

[exquisitegem]

Hi sis, first of all, Congrats! A baby is a blessing.

But tama mga sis natin dito. Don't marry the guy just for the sake of the kid. Kasi it's a lifetime commitment and sabi mo nga, you cannot see your future with him. Lalo na you've gone through emotional abuse kung ilang beses ka nyang niloko. Useless naman din ang marriage kung yung isang partner ay hindi masaya.  He can support the child naman even if hindi kayo kasal.
I understand madami pa rin taong very traditional mag-isip - na kailangan magpakasal kayo kasi nabuntis ka. But it's not as easy as that. Don't commit another mistake. May chance ka pa para ituwid ang buhay mo. You're still too young. If in the future, makita mo na nagmature na yung baby daddy and you realize mahal nyo pa isa't isa, then you can marry him.

[simang]

Congratulations on your baby.

First, don't marry the guy.

Second, why do I feel like nagpapasikat lang itong ex mo, na pananagutan ka para magmukha syang mabuting tao sa ibang tao.

Third, he can be a dad to your child without him being your husband. Simplehan na lang kamo at wag na gawin pang complicated through marriage.

[glamorosa_09]

Hi sis zechariah, **hugs** to you... I feel sad for you as your mom is not there for you during this chaos in your life. But you sound strong to face this challenge head on and this will pass.

Anyway, medyo challenging nga yung kalagayan mo, because it's you against the authority figures in your life, lalo na't you're only 19 years old. Minsan may mga elders, na very concerned sila sa iisipin ng mga tao about you more than what will really happen in your private life. And then andyan pa yung they will question your judgment since teenager ka pa lang.

Pero, tingin ko the ability to fully see your boyfriend as he is, the foresight that marriage is not beneficial for you in the long run, and most of all the determination to keep that life in you are signs that this event made you mature and that your judgment can be trusted.

I don't know kung gaano ka strong ang personalidad mo to go against the wishes of your parents and to what extent they can accept and respect your own wishes. May authoritarian parents kasing "do as I say or do because I said so." Kung ganito parents mo, mas challenging but doable. If your parents naman have the capacity to listen, mas madali.

Kung authoritarian ang magulang mo, kailangan mo humugot ng lakas para kausapin sila and explain to them the true state of your relationship with your ex. And even with non-authoritarian parents, you need to up your maturity when talking to them, making them feel that you're level headed. Pag medyo hihina-hina ka, it is inevitable that they will take over to rescue, which may not be the way you want. Take charge of your life and your future.

Alam mo na naman ang repercussion if you go with the flow of your parents' plan. What you need probably is the courage and strength to be firm with your decision against their judgment. Ang tanong dyan ay, saan ka pwedeng humugot ng lakas ng loob.

Kapit ka lang sa Diyos (if you're a believer). I hope makinig sayo ang parents mo and masunod kung ano ang gusto mo para sa sarili mo and baby mo.

[kvandenhaak]

Don't make anyone decide for you especially in this situation. You already made a mistake, marrying him will just aggravate the situation. Be a mom, ask him for support. Do not take away his right as a dad, but that should be the extent of it. Good luck and congrats!

[TysLolakins]

i feel really bad because you indicated you have no one to turn to.  sana naman yung bio mom mo be there for you esp with your current predicament, but then again,  nobody here knows exactly how your family dynamics work,  maybe it's not possible.
the only bad thing in this situation is your ex boyfriend as the father of your unborn child, that one cannot be changed.  what you still have is control over whether to marry him or not.  you're 19 so legally you are an adult and can make decisions for yourself.  i know i know,  regardless of that,  in our culture we still listen to our parents out of respect and at your age,  probably still financially dependent on them.  but in this case,  what they're dictating  for you to do is wrong,  you should not marry your ex just because you got pregnant by him esp since there's no relationship anymore.   i know it will be hard for you to talk to them and explain to them that that's not what you want.   the older generation  is conditioned all their lives to never ever lose face regardless of the outcome of their actions.   this is the time that you'll need to be firm and stand your ground.  going into marriage has finality to it,  yes some can argue that it can be annulled,  if that's the case,  then why bother getting into forced marriage at all?  for what,  so your parents will not have kahihiyan at the moment?  that's a very short-sighted response and selfishness in their part.  they're more concerned about what people will say,  they'd rather take a chance sending you to this marriage that may become your own hell on earth.
don't marry the loser.  do everything in your capacity not to get into that mess.  you can try telling the parents that you don't want to marry him at this time,  that you'll need to work first on your relationship.  pretend lang yon, you may need to be a little cunning to get them off your case, even if temporarily.  i just hope that they are not the type  of parents who will threaten to cut you off  if you do not comply to their wishes.  that's bad,  i don't know how strong-willed you are.  if that was me,  i would still refuse,  they can throw me out of the house if they want to.   i'm just saying those things,  good parents will not do that,   what kind of parents in their right minds would rather see their child suffer than let a few tongues wag?  not many,  and i hope that your parents are not that kind.
be strong,  hoping for the silver lining to shine through for you, take care of yourself and your baby.
we can only give you words of comfort,  unfortunately, we don't have the capacity to change your situation or affect the decisions of the people around you. 
goodluck.   

[lalee888]

Big hugs sis @zechariah.. You already received a lot of wise advice here from people who are speaking to you objectively. We don't know you personally or your family dynamics.  What I can tell you now is that you have two things to worry about -- your life and your child's life.

Many years from today, you will be on your own, and further down the road, your parents/his parents/the elders will likely pass before you do. Would you still be concerned about what they think then?

I say that make decisions based on what is BEST for you and your child, not what other people think or feel or influence you to do. Yes, respect your elders - - you can do so by acknowledging their feelings and desires, and offering an explanation to your decision, your plan of action, and what help they could offer you so you can achieve your goals involving them in the process.

Let me share some points here:
- My brothers and I were raised by a single mom. My father disappeared on us when I was younger. My mom never remarried and well kept our family names as dad's. Now as adults and we are all married, a lot of people time and again in my life, even my own husband, say how AMAZED they are that we all grew up very well as responsible, educated, successful adults. I am always TAKEN ABACK by that statement whenever those "compliments" are thrown my way. When I was growing up, we never felt we were at a disadvantage, we never felt we were different.. we just thought we had a different family dynamic but that life goes on and we move forward. And to me there was no ALTERNATIVE. Like, the idea of turning out "BAD" seemed preposterous to me -- being irresponsible was never an option in our family so i felt like those people who assumed broken families turn out bad were sort of ALIEN to me or living in an ALIEN planet.
- If a woman (or man) becomes a widow, does that mean her children will suffer a terrible fate as adults? Nah. You determine and drive your future. You can make it work no matter what the circumstances, if you want to. To me, you sound like you are equipped with the sense to know what is not good for you (a g*go guy) despite the fact that your biological mom did not really raise you.

I can also say that, if there are good masculine figures/father figures around you, who can serve as role models, your child will turn out okay. It's a better environment than raising a child in a fake, unhappy marriage. Environment is key -- if your child will be exposed to good men, responsible men, he will be fine. We may have lost our father early on, but we were surrounded by my mom's brothers and their wives, and my mom's best friends. We had so much good (and bad) examples around us that now all my brothers only want to have good marriages and good lives. One of my brothers actually says he'd never want his kid to grow up without a dad because he missed out on an actual dad. It is what you make of it that counts.

Remember, marriage is a COMMITMENT between two people, it's not a WAY OUT of something. Make a decision on what is BEST for you. A happy you, will lead to a happy MOM you.

Good luck sis. You will be fine. Don't let anyone judge you but also don't be afraid to seek help.