Nagdadalagang nanay

[vanitakwek]

Any of you guys encountered this? Used to be really close with my mother until I went abroad to work. When I returned here I discovered she found "aero" or aerobics with a bunch of bored wives, lolang nagdadalaga etc. I find these people irritating. They call each other "sis" (I mean hello, 50 years old na kayo)  and they' re all bad influence to my mother.

A little backstory: my mom grew up in the province and started working when she was 8 to help out in the family. She had me when she was 18.

That's her defense tuwing sasabihan ko sya about her "friends". Never daw sya nag kabarkada growing up kaya treasured nya ito ngayon. I said bad influence above kasi
first, they advised my mom na hiwalayan ang tatay ko dahil hindi daw nagta-trabaho tatay ko. Maghanap daw sya ng foreigner na gaganda buhay  nya.
second, puro sila plastikan. I would hear my mom talking on the phone all the time. siraaan ng siraan. may group wars pa sila.

I couldn't think of the others pero madami pa

[kvandenhaak]

Tell your dad what they are telling your mom. People like them are like poison. I can understand that probably it's the first time that your mom feels like she belongs. Kaso wrong crowd. I can imagine how they are when they are together. Nakakaumay siguro...lol!

[amethyst028]

^^i have a friend na 53 years old and lahat ng friends niya younger than her. Me and our other friend nasa late  30?s we all met sa real estate class.  yung isa naman niyang group of friends mga late 20?s to early 30?s na meet niya sa pole dancing class. She is very active nag gymnastics, nag hiking etc.

Ang mga outfit niya backless or crop top with skinny jeans. She is single so she dates around, may mga ka fubu pa nga siya. Her daughter na late 20?s naiinis kasi minsan she brings guys to her house.

Siguro dapat pabayaan mo na lang siya, hindi kasi niya na experience yun dati dahil maaga siya nag asawa. And kahit naman anong gawin mo she will still do what she wants. Eventually she will grow out of it. Baka it is her last attempt to hold on to her youth, intindihin mo na lang and pag umaastang bata deadma na lang.

[hazelbrown_eyes27]

Sis, gets ko yan. Mga Mommies na 50?s na feeling 20?s pa rin! Experience ko yan. Pero, iniiwasan ko na ngayon. Gym buddy ko siya. Nasa 50?s na. Akala mo okay, pero, pag talikod mo, sinisiraan ka na. Marami na palang pinagkakalat na tsismis sa iyo sa ibang members. I guess, yes.. hiwalayan na niya. Or! Hayaan mo na lang siya and let her be the one to experience and withdraw from the group.

[airish_2]

Haha! Same sa mom ko, may ka zumba squad siya at mga friend noong highschool pero pag nagkitakita nagsisiraan nagiingiyan kesyo maganda buhay ng isa, sabi ko nga kahit ganoon na pala edad may issue pa rin akala ko pang 20' 30's lang kasi. Ayun wala na yung zumba squad at hindi na aatend ng reunion si mama kasi nga nag away away yung mga amiga's niya. Si mama din may pa racer back before pero ayun nadala ng panahon. Hayaan mo na lang, basta payuhan mo lang when it comes doon sa nagsasuggest na hiwalayan dad mo.

[ms.holly]

yes let your mom learn through her own experience. She needs to experience that naman and it would be better if it comes from her own judgement na that kind of crowd is not healthy. Experience is the best teacher ika nga. Just remind her every now and then that you trust she is smart enough and mature enough not to let them manipulate her. 

[khaleesiCersei]

My mom has been like that for as long as i can remember. Mas iniintindi ang mga amiga niya kesa samin kaya lumaki kami lahat na walang amor sa kanya. Ang nakakainis pa kapag pinapadalhan kami noon ng relatives from overseas ng mga damit or shoes or bags, nakikipag agawan pa eh mga pang teenager naman ang style nung mga pinapadala samin. Hanggang ngayon ganon pa din, pati yung para sa apo niya na lang sana eh nakikipag agawan pa rin. Hindi na nga bagay sa kanya pinagpipilitan pa rin

[lyrahs]

 nanay ko  Pero wala naman syang tropa talaga. Facebook ang pinagkakaabalahan nya, reconnecting sa mga friends nya from 30+ years ago. Natutuwa kasi nakikita nya mga dati nyang kaibigan. Hinahayaan na namin kasi ngayon lang namin sya nakita na may kachikahan lagi. Growing up napapansin ko loner mama ko.
Tas gustong gusto din nya nag-seselfie. Kahit saan mapunta, gusto nya selfie or group pic.


May kakilala ako, mother ng kaibigan ko. She had my friend when she was 18. Then nagsunod sunod ang anak. Ngayong naglakihan na ang anak sya nagdalaga. As in nakikipagkumpetensya syang magpapayat sa daughters nya pati sa pananamit. Mini-skirt kung mini-skirt. Tas magpopost ng pic sa fb nya, labas ang cleavage. Nahihiya na nga ang mga anak sa ginagawa ng nanay nila. Ewan lang ngayon kung nagbago na. Hehe

[glamorosa_09]

Re: sis na tawagan

Kahit sa simbahan naman sis, ganun din...

Re: pinapayuhan hiwalayan ang tatay mo

sa tingin ko, may sariling judgment naman ang nanay mo. Unless, na gumagawa na sila ng aksyon para humiwalay na talaga eh saka ako manghihimasok,  kung ako ang nasa katayuan mo. Although syempre, nakakainis pa rin yung ganung mga kaibigan.

re: nagdadalaga

I agree with others, hayaan mo na lang kung saan masaya ang nanay mo. Belongingness nga siguro yung isa nyang gusto. Ang mother ko, alam naman nyang may mga kaibigan syang nanggagamit lang at meron ding tsismosa, pero wala pa namang nawawala sa kanya, hangga't enjoy... go lang. May pagka happy, chillax, and friendly ang personality ng mother ko. Pero ako, no no sa ganung friends.

[lalee888]

To OP:

Sis, normal lang yan -- mahirap intindihin kasi wala pa tayo sa age ng nanay mo. But don't minimize or invalidate her needs or thoughts. At any age, 80/70/60/30/20 years old -- we as humans will always feel the need to 'belong'  -- so having a barkada is normal. She's enjoying it ESPECIALLY now, kasi nga she got married too young and missed out on what our generation now typically does (sulitin ang mundo) before settling down. Calling each other 'sis' or any other term of endearment in any stage in life? I don't see anything wrong with that. Hindi lang mga teens, tweens, twnties or thirties ang may karapatan dyan. You are simply seeing your mom in a different light so it irritates you but I think your annoyance over this is misplaced.

On the advice of her friends na iwan ang dad mo -- don't minimize that either. The first thing that came to mind with your story is NOT that these friends of your mom are bad influence, but that WHAT HAS YOUR MOM BEEN TELLING HER FRIENDS FOR THEM TO GIVE HER THAT ADVICE? At 50s, an individual with a well-lived life would be content and would reach self-actualization -- where they spend their time contributing to society, to others, helping others, etc. It seems maraming complaints and open-up ang mom mo so she hears that advice. Wala namang magbibigay ng advice na iwanan mo if walang complaint na narinig diba? If I were you, get tot he bottom of it before judging your mom too quickly.

[Shadow Angel]

Curious lang ako so ibig sabihin kapag 50's na hindi na pede makipag mingle sa mga young generations? Or magsuot ng damit na gusto nila basta na hindi over revealing. Ok nga nag zuzumba alaga ang katawan, dapat ba pagnagzuzumba balot na balot? Ewan ko lang ha sa pinas kasi parang dapat lagi formal or pamanang kapag matanda na? Sa observation ko un mga oldies dito hindi naman pinapakialaman or pagtatawan kapag nakapang sexy lalo na pag summer.

My mom palaayos pa rin minsan naka sleeveless or spaghetti depende sa lugar. Mga friends din sya bagets at mahilig gumala. We don't see anything wrong naman. Siguro kasi kilala ko mom ko hindi basta na iimplwensyahan. May tiwala din kami sa kanya pagdating sa mga ganyan bagay kung ano un appropriate. Better kausapin mo mama mo. Hindi naman kasi porke matanda na dapat wala ng social life or tipikal na taga alaga ng apo or staying home lang. Diba nga ginawa na nila pag aalaga sa mga anak now na malaki na mga anak its time naman na hanap sila na pagkakaabalahan nila aside sa pag aalaga sa bahay. Life is too short tapos di mo alam kung kelan ka mawawala or magkakasakit kaya for better to live your life the way you want basta ba wala ka naapakan tao or napapasama ka.

[kvandenhaak]

I suddenly wondered kung ano nasa isip ng anak ko (he's 13) pag binibisita ako ng jowa ko? LOL! Not yet in my 50s but comparing to his age, matanda na ako.

Anyways, okay naman din talaga yung me mga lola posse. I think it's cool! Zumba to the max! Maganda yan sa katawan especially pag at that age na. However, like the young people, it's not a bad idea to be with the right crowd. What kind of people would suggest a supposed to be friend to leave her husband and marry a foreigner? And with back stabbing drama on the side? Eh di ba kanda pangaral nga sila when we were young about the same thing? So, hindi masamang pangaralan naman ni TS si mudrakels. Hindi yung pagdadalalaga ang issue here, it's the crowd she is with.

[Girltalker2]

^ 😂😂

Di din nalalayo age ko! And I?m active in my sports, zumba, yoga and other activities!

But since I?m on the conservative side, I just wear gym clothes that I?m comfortable with.
TS, if that?s what makes your mom happy eh. Tsaka do you/your siblings spend time with her? You can try to go to the gym with her minsan. Just like my kids come with me sa gym or badminton or bowling.

In terms of barkada, di kasi ako ma-tropa. I have a few close friends. Some invite me in Zumba events but I?m not the type that goes all the time kasi I have work and studies. So in the end, I don?t get invited all the time, paminsan minsan lang. I also have good rapport with my gym mates, no issues. Minsan May mga tao I don?t like, so iwasan ko lang sila but no need to b**** around.
So I guess if your mom is busy with other things other than her Zumba and friends, she can still stay balanced in life.  But staying active while you age is very important. My mom also goes to Zumba!!! 👍🏾
Iyan plan ko, stay active while I age, basta don?t overdo and don?t be sedentary. One way to have longer life

[glamorosa_09]

What is really bothering you TS, is it the pagdadalaga, the backstabbing nature of your mother's friends, or their ill advice against your father?

If it's about the ill advice, I agree that it wasn't given in a vacuum. They were most probably given in response to your mother's grievances about her marriage and your father. And I guess, it's not just once that your mother vented out. And your mother cannot be blamed because if she is that stressed and downtrodden in her relationship, she would either suppress it or find support, depending on her coping style (Depende na lang if sinisiraan lang ng mom mo ang dad mo?)

 Point is she will try to cope to make the stress/problem manageable, we all do. And for your mother it is hanging out and sharing problems with her friends (especially now that children are adults). Her friends may have imperfections and flaws, but it is with these people with whom she found listening ears (more than the belongingness she wanted).  There is a possibility na maging sirang plaka nga eh.

It is possible na wrong crowd. Maybe what constitutes a wrong crowd can be subjective. Maybe we all have different tolerance levels or standards about the people we choose to be close with. You can talk to your mom, by all means. You can suggest a group where she can find a better tribe, or kayong magkakapatid pumuno ng emotional needs nya na nakukuha nya from her current friends at magprovide ng emotional support. Kung gusto mong matanggal, make sure to replace it.

If this is about a teenager attaching himself with the wrong crowd, you got to ask the parents first. Is there support, belongingness, and acceptance at home? If the child has an individualistic personality, he'll be withdrawn, attach himself to work or vise, anything away from people. If collectivist, he will find a group or connections, be it physical or online.

If problematic kasi at home, mas malakas ang attachment from the outside. And kahit wala rin namang problema, to some, there is still that need to belong. If you disapprove of the crowd, find a replacement or fill her needs. If that is possible.

[lalee888]

^agree with the question posed by sis @glamorosa_09 -- i think it will help if you figure out what is bothering you truly, OP:

- is it that your mom is acting anew, somewhat different to what you are used to (you used the term nagdadalaga in describing her new behavior)
- is it that she feels empowered or validated, that she's receiving advice against your father?
- is it that you don't like the nature of her new friends, who you said backstab each other at your mom's gym/class?

On point 1: it's very normal to find yourself again, find a hobby or source of joy, when we go through a major change. Empty nest-er na ang mom mo. Super okay nga na she's active and working out -- be proud of that, it's good for her health and your family's bank account. Hindi ka lang sanay dun, but if itigil nya yan she will find a new "hobby" be it taking care of dogs, grand children, mah-jong/gambling, brunch with her friends, etc. Ok nga na ang interest nya is fitness, with her gym friends na interested din sa fitness.

On point 2: dig deeper before judging, find out what made your mom's friends give her the advice to leave your dad. what do they talk about. wala naman sigurong tao ang direct na magpayo nyan with an ulterior motive (unless gustong agawin ang dad mo -- ulterior motive na kung ganun). I'm sure na-bring up yan kasi nagkukwento ang mom mo about her relationship with your dad. Mukhang she's not content/have regrets/resentments - -does not mean invalid or valid ang points  ng mom mo, but find the source and help your parents through it if it's valid, and if you want them to stay together

On point 3: what do you mean by 'backstabbing' ? is it because you hear them siraan or attack someone else sa gym nila? like i said in my previous post, humans are tribal people in nature who want to belong. Imagine sa gym, merong babae na nang-agaw ng pwesto sa zumba class, nag reserve ng spot, or did something na hindi approve yung ibang friends ng mom mo -- so meron ng sides or kampihan diba? i think what i mean is, before branding them as backstabbers, EMPATHIZE and put yourself in their shoes and find out what exactly is it that is binding these women together? May reason why they are close together and why they feel empowered as a group. They must be bringing each other some strength diba?

Maging concerned ka na lang sis if may negative outcome sa Mom mo, like if she is starting to SPEND more than she can afford -- bad na yun, kasi parang keeping up with the joneses ang dating. Or if she's doing things that compromise her health and well-being. Good luck sis, balitaan mo kami.

[Shadow Angel]

^tama honestly mas happy ako nakikita ko inienjoy ng mom ko ang freedom nila ngayon. I mean hindi na sila busy sa amin kasi lahat kami may family na. Kasi kahit na 23 nag asawa mom ko panahon nila hindi rin masyadong na enjoy ang kabataan kasi noon naman sobrang higpit ng parents. So ngayon na ienjoy nya ang pagtravel kahit local lang. Spend time sa mga friends kasi busy sila noon pagwowork at pagpapalaki sa amin kasi ang dami namin. Proud kami hindi nila kailangan magbantay ng apo at mag stay sa bahay. Kasi parang buong buhay nila work bahay sila so its time naman na sa remaing life nila maenjoy naman nila un time nila walang iniisip kundi sarili nila.

Now kung bad influence ang friends better kausapin kesa mag jump convulsions based sa observations mo bigayan mo sya ng pagkakataon na magpaliwanag regarding sa situations nya ngayon kung ano bang meron. Mamaya naman nakikisakay lang sa usapan mom sa kanila.

[vanitakwek]

the thing that bothered me the most is yung influence ng so called barkada nyang yun. We used to be really close, as in mother and daughter na OA ang closeness. I used to share with her everything. Pero after nya ma-influence ng mga yun, hindi ko na magawa. Sobra lumayo na loob ko sa kanya. I even got married without her knowing kasi parang naging iba tao na sya sa akin.

Medyo ma-drama din ang nanay ko which is tolerable naman. Ang hindi ko ma-accept is tuwing pagsasabihan ko sya when it comes to money (she works as an agent) pero lahat napupunta kita nya sa aerobics at gala nilang magkakaibigan. I mean your more than 50 years old, ang party every 2 weeks? Hindi na sya nagbibigay sa bahay, so lahat wala kinapupuntahan lahat ng kita nya. She's not getting any younger, she has hypertension. Gusto nya mangyari ako sumagot ng gamot nya pa, kasi pang aero nya pera nya. Medyo dami ko explanation sorry mga sissies, ang pino-point ko is kailangan nya din mag save for the rainy day. Tuwing mag uusap kme ang end up, iiyak sya. Sasabihin wala daw ako pakialam kasi pera nya yun at mga kaibigan nya daw yun kaya wag ako magsabi ng masama about them.

Masama na ako, pero sinabihan ko sya na kung gusto nya lumayas na lang sya sa bahay since mukhang mga kaibigan naman nya ang importante sa kanya. Lumayas naman, bumalik din. Magulo din kwento ko, again sorry mga sissies. Mas madalas sa minsan gusto ko na lang iumpog ulo nya, baka sakaling matauhan sa mga pinagsasabi nya.

[rics]

just wondering, pinalayas mo siya sa bahay - is it your house?
or nakikitira lang siya sa bhay mo?

[vanitakwek]

it's my dad's house- I know ungrateful na anak ako. I just hated her so much.I hated what she was doing to my tatay na bumuhay sa amin at sa kanya ng matagal. That was the time meron sya naging bf-bf (boyfriend) na mas younger pa sa akin thru facebook whom she met via her barkadas na gusto nyang kausapin ko para iexplain na hiwalay na daw talaga sila ng tatay ko at nakatira lang sya sa bahay dahil sa amin ng kapatid ko.
 
btw,  I'm not trying to defend my action just explaining the situation that time. I

[glamorosa_09]

So far eto a mga ayaw mo...
-- ill advice against your father
-- nagbaback stabbing sila
-- nagdadalaga
-- nauubos pera nya sa gala nya, gusto umasa sayo sa gamot, walang pang-save.
-- hindi nag-kocontribute sa bahay
-- may hindi sya magandang ginagawa sa father mo...

Iba-ibang nature...  And these make you hate her and the friends.

We used to be really close, as in mother and daughter na OA ang closeness. I used to share with her everything. Pero after nya ma-influence ng mga yun, hindi ko na magawa. Sobra lumayo na loob ko sa kanya. I even got married without her knowing kasi parang naging iba tao na sya sa akin.

Masama na ako, pero sinabihan ko sya na kung gusto nya lumayas na lang sya sa bahay since mukhang mga kaibigan naman nya ang importante sa kanya.

Valid yung concerns mo, but the depth and strength of your negative feelings, I am trying to understand.

You said you used to be so close to your mom, you tell her everything, para kayong magbestfriend. Nung nagkaroon na sya ng barkada, nag-iba na sya, to the point of hindi mo na pinaalam yung tungkol sa kasal mo.

I am just exploring. Basing from what I quoted from you, could it be, a part of you ay may selos? It can happen and it's normal. Kasi nag-iba na yung quality of attention at friendship na ibinibigay nya sa iyo, hindi na tulad ng dati na wala pa syang barkada. Magbestfriend kayo nun eh, and then mas dumami oras nya sa barkada nya.

Kung busy ba sya sa activities sa simbahan, gala/activities with church people instead of sa aero group nya, ok lang ba sayo? I have a church mate kasi na nagrereklamo din anak nya sa pagiging busy nya. Lagi na lang daw nasa simbahan, leader kasi sya, gusto syang pahintuin. Mid-lifer na rin yun eh.

Again I'm just exploring.

Meron ding time na nagkaron ng textmate ang mom ko, I also hated her and the friend. Naconfront ko na si mother. They're still friends nung nagpakilala sa kanya. Pero natapos na texting, kaya wala na rin yung hate. Kasi malinaw naman ang rason ng pinanggagalingan ng hate ko. I don't know with you, baka ongoing pa rin ang texting?

Anyway, if the hate you're feeling is coming from the summation of all the negative characteristics and influences of her friends, then I guess the only solution is for her to let go of the friends? Which I believe you tried to address already. O kaya moderation?

Pero maganda ring tanunin mo ang sarili mo, is the concern coming from the well-being of your mother and their marriage or is it because coming from the insecurity. Or both?