A very Long Engagement

[damselinstress]

I just need to vent out.

My fiance and I have been together for more than 10 years. Living together for about the same time. Just the two of us. Engaged for 8 years. I still wear my ring from time to time. We have no kids. Our families are okay with our set-up. Everyone accepts us as husband and wife. He refers to me as "his wife"  In short, kasal na lang ang kulang. He's in his 40s. I am in my mid 30s.

For a bit of a background, he has a petition to the US. His family is there, so that's all there is. About 4 years in our relationship, this petition was filed.

He has a stable job here. I have one too plus I am about to finish my post-grad degree.

We have the usual set of problems and issues that long-term couples have. Mostly small issues. Or at least nothing significant. We haven't really separated since the beginning. Just the usual ups and downs. From the outside, we seem perfect. We have what we want, we live quite a comfortable life. Walang masyadong responsibilities. Chill and cool. We are not a toxic couple. No third parties, no drama whatsoever. People around us look up to us, even for relationship advice. So I ask myself now, what is wrong with me? I am supposed to be happy with what we have, and people even tell us they envy us... but then again why do I feel so empty? Why does it feel that every thing is just a facade? A lie?

Recently, I started to feel that there is no point, no goal, no future for us. I started to feel so insecure in this relationship. That I begin to question things. I started feeling that he is not really serious with me, with us... Or like I told him "you are not serious enough to bring me "there"... To make things permanent. To marry me. I feel like he's not really ready for whatever reason to truly settle down. Or make a clear-cut future with me. He may have proposed a long time ago, but I just started to realize that he only asked me to marry him, knowing that I will say yes anyway. And it's so gut-wrenching to feel that somehow, he just wanted to "seal" things that's why he proposed. Maybe he loves me. Maybe he was afraid to lose me kasi sya na lang mag-isa here. But to actually, truly bring us to marriage, I don't feel that he intends to. Or at least get moving to finally do it.

After the proposal, wala akong narinig na concrete plans from him. I don't know, but when I asked him why he doesn't even have a date or at least a year in mind... Why for many, many years he didn't bother to talk about it or even mention it... I heard the same convenient excuse. Na naka-petition pa sya. And he is waiting for it. Sure, partly I am to blame because I did not insist, or I just let the years pass by being passive and nonchalant. I also let that reason come out of my mouth and I somehow got through time believing in that reason. But lately, it doesn't convince me anymore as it did before. It puzzles me why he didn't mention actually getting married after he proposed. Maybe he lied? I don't know his reasons anymore why he asked me to marry him when he won't even talk aboit it afterwards.

I feel there is something lacking, that I am missing out on a meaningful life. I feel there is no point in all of these. Wala kaming substance. Wala kaming patutunguhan. I have this weird feeling that what we have may end real soon. I am starting to have doubts whether this will bring us somewhere... at least anywhere else. Than this very long engagement. I don't see him making another step forward. It's like he's stuck. And won't budge either.

I know for sure that I am not just bored or hormonal. Talagang the emptiness I feel is so raw, I am going crazy, weeping because it hurts. But I feel guilty somehow for feeling these things because what we have is good in other aspects naman. I tried to communicate it with him but he juat brushed me off, telling me "you know that I will marry you anytime you want, but we are just waiting for this petition..." I don't know but I can't believe him anymore. Siguro kasi wala naman syang malinaw na plano. Para lang kaming "de susing" dolls... we just live our lives day to day, aimlessly, in any direction our feet bring us, going with the flow until the years add up. We're like clueless individuals not knowing where to go. Or maybe ako lang ang clueless. Maybe he has plans for his own lang. I sense that he doesn't really have a plan for me. Or I am not included in his.

And now I am breeding this resentment in my heart. I feel so sad. So insecure. And angry at the same time. I even made myself believe that I am not the marrying type. That I don't want to have kids. That I am okay with our set-up even if it means forever.. But then again, I realized that I am just pretending all along. I discovered that I am waiting, although unintended, for things to be better, to be meaningful. To have a sense of direction.

I guess when we get older, we look for that sense of permanence or substance or meaning in our lives. Maybe I am at that point in my life now but he is obviously not.

Do I deserve this? What do I do? What do I say?

[TysLolakins]

hi,  i'm not trying to dismiss what you're feeling,  honest,  but maybe,  just maybe that that 'petition' is the only reason why he hasn't started talking wedding plans with you?  he probably wants to wait for that no matter how long it will take to get his immigrant visa and emigrate eventually.  and since you guys have been together for so long,  maybe he thinks  you are very ok with this arrangement and willing to wait too.  maybe he's thinking  what's the point of discussing marriage when being single is the main condition required for his petition to get processed (i'm making the assumption that he's being petitioned as a  'single' status).
the one thing that you have control over is the decision to stay or leave.   you can stay with him and keep the status quo or  leave,  maybe he's not the one that can give you what you feel is missing in your life right now. 
i can see where both of you are coming from.  for us women,  the next phase is marriage.  but i can understand his situation too.  the same thing could have happened to me  where i would have been presented with the same dilemma,  am i willing to wait as single for as long as it takes to immigrate legally?  my answer will be yes  in a heart-beat. 
anyway,  insist with him that you discuss your future together.  if he's still dismissive about it,  then you know what to do.  goodluck!

[kaythrielle]

I agree. There are some things talaga na you can?t control. You can only have control over what you think and what you will do.
There are two things you can do right now - to leave or to stay.

Make a list of the pros and cons of staying or leaving. Maybe it can help in your decision making.

One good thing about your current situation is wala kayong anak. Walang batang maaapektuhan if you do decide to leave him.

You?re still young TS. But how long are you willing to wait for him to be petitioned and be married? Ilang years na lang mag-40 ka na. If it was me, matagal ko ng iniwan yung lalaki instead of wasting my youth sa feeling ko walang patutunguhang relasyon.
But of course that?s just my pov.  Good luck sis!

[Girltalker2]

One good thing about your current situation is wala kayong anak. Walang batang maaapektuhan if you do decide to leave him.

You?re also not married so thankfully no hassles of annulment.

[fifi_girl]

TS, maybe he is really sincere with his reasons. I think you are just looking at it differently. I don't want to dismiss your feelings. There are really guys who do not want to discuss marriage, lalo na pag yung babae ang nag-initiate ng usapan. Maybe he is the type of guy na ayaw ng inuunahan.

My brother and his GF went steady for more than 10 years. Though hindi naman sila live in. Pero from time to time, they travel and go places on their own. So halos parang katulad niyo na din na kasal na lang ang kulang. Eventually, they got married (2 years ago lang). They've been together since College ha. We didn't expect that they will get married, kase nga akala namin, wala ng plans, since sobrang tagal na nila. And accepted naman namin if ever hindi sila magpakasal. Look at it this way, maybe he thinks Marriage is just formality na lang para sa inyo. Kase nga, para na kayong husband and wife. To other people kase, mas importante yung pagsasama kesa yung formality ng kasal. Though its every girl's dream to get married 

Kelan ba ma-g-grant yun petition niya? Baka din kase gusto niya sa US na kayo magpakasal. Or mas madali yata pag i-pe-petition ka niya as fiance once nakuha niya yung petition niya.

Lastly, try not to overthink things. Enjoy what you have with your partner. If sometimes you feel na wala ng pupuntahan yung relationship niyo, think about why did you last that long 

[lalee888]

Big hugs dear sis @damselindistress big big hugs..

Take a deep breath and let's peel the layers of your situation back. Before doing so, I want to remind you that it's okay to be upset, it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel frustrated, empty, hopeless. Be kind to yourself. And one thing I can be certain of regardless of which path you choose is that THIS, too, shall pass.

I'm in no way an expert in your situation sis since I'm not even a fly in the wall in your life but I'll try to help. Whatever you decide in the end, it will be the best decision and I can assure you that.

A few questions for practicality: what type of sponsorship is he waiting for? Is it green card petition from his family in the US? If so, yes matagal nga yun. Is it worth it for me? It depends but let me ask you: what do you think will happen when his petition is approved? He would fly to the US already? What would happen to you then will you join him? How about your status in the US? You can't stay in the US if you have a tourist visa lang. Even if you enter the US as a tourist and marry him in the US, you still won't get legalized status immediate. As he would be a green card holder, he can not petition you easily kasi priority is fiance or spouse of American citizens. If I'm not mistaken, a few years ago, 7 years ang average waiting time for spouses of green card holders. And that was before the current administration (Trump). The current administration is stricter now and if anything would make it more difficult for immigrants. This is a fact.

So my question is, are you willing to live separately from him even if ikasal kayo sa US? If he married you here after his petition is approved, ganun rin he still can't take you with him. My point is there seems to be a lot of humps down the road and it will take a huge commitment and planning on both of you if you want to work it out and pass the humps together.

That was the practical stuff assuming everything will turn out in a positive direction. Let's now see the other side of it sis...

You are only in control of one person in this equation sis, and that is you. You can't keep guessing what he thinks or what he feels. It will drive you crazy and if your assumptions are wrong, you might actually be unknowingly creating a rift between the two of you.

If I were in your shoes, what would I do? I'd think about it long and hard (and it sounds like you already have done that). I'll determine all possible outcomes. Right now there are only two possible outcomes: you guys will get married by hook or by crook, or you guys separate in the future whether because he does not really have future plans with you, or because he is going to the US and won't be going through that difficult process with you. We know the outcome is only one of two things. Now it is up to you to find out.

Knowing there are two outcomes, I will hope for the best but expect the worst. I will start by lining up my guns. Mobilizing and ensuring my support system is available, around me, and can support me if I will go through a period of mourning. I will also make sure I'm ready to move out -- have a place to stay, my finances are stable, and a regular routine to keep me sane, on track and not wallow in depression. Because sis, any type of loss is definitely a painful process.

What's next? I will open my heart and tell him my fears and my desires. Basically giving him an ultimatum in soft words. "I love you and wish to spend forever with you, but if this is not what you want and we can't move on to the next chapter, then I will set you free."

If he wants you he will come back, and will determine and drive his own future, not await the mercy of his fate from a visa petition. If he chooses a different path, then you would have cut your losses sooner and freed yourself from this situation. Win-win para sayo to confront (in kind ways) this situation.

Get ready sis, gather yourself and face this. You still have time to take charge of your situation and control the direction of your life. As I said, this too shall pass.

Ang haba na nito but honestly, ramdam ko what you're going through. If you need to vent, some strength, or bounce ideas off to, post here or send me a PM all ears!

You got this sis. It seems like a blind leap of faith but have more faith in yourself and it's better to control your destiny than wait on the unknown... Love yourself more than let fear takeover you.

[lalee888]

Sis, just to add to my previous post, intricate and complex kasi ang situation nyo.

Yes he is waiting for a visa. But even if ma-approve yun, it doesn't mean ikakasal kayo. Even if wala ka sa picture there is so much to consider for a person of his age and/or your age after a life changing event like immigration happens.

What does he currently do for work? Even if he has a support system in the US it's not easy-peasy. A bank president in the Philippines won't necessarily be the same in the US. Competitive ang job market dun. Unless he has a skilled profession with the right certifications like a nurse who passed US boards, it's rare for a third world immigrant to take a professional job there.

So let's assume he's a mid-level career professional in a bank sa Pinas. He may end up in a blue collar job or in admin/clerical roles or start at the bottom in the US. Same with you.

They dont see Philippine graduates equally as a US graduate. This is the hard truth but of course merong exceptions.

My point in saying all this, worth it ba ang hinihintay nya to put your future on hold and same goes for you? Will he and will you be interested in a new life that is entirely different from what you have now, considering you will both go through hoops just to legally let you migrate to the US also?

Has he been to the US and does he know what to expect?

Is he dead set on going to the US if his petition goes through? Will he study there again to get a better job there? If he does go to the US, will he take you? How? I already told you in my previous post, he can not petition you immediately. He can file the petition but then it takes years for the processing. By then... Are you willing to uproot your life pa? If he asked you to stay in the US illegally would you do it? Life on the run and also, you can't travel.

Think hard sis. Parang the odds are against you sis.. anyway big hugs for you. I'm going to pray for you sis.

[Shadow Angel]

Mahaba haba pa ang paghihintay mo TS kahit mag grant ang petition sa kanya. After makapunta dun matagal pa bago maging stable 1-3 years. Kung I petition ka nya ang tagal din ng aabutin buti sana kung fiance visa. Kaya siguro di rin nya masabi ang plan nya sayo kasi ang layo pa ng tatakbuhin nyo.

What you feel is very valid kahit ako nasa situation mo mahihirapan at mapapaisip. Un nga lang Mahirap magdecide.

[kvandenhaak]

Looking at the brighter side, you're not married. You don't have to worry about annulment. I am not sure what to tell you. Mahirap ang position na ganyan. But I want to read kung ano advice ng mga sisters natin dito.

[otra_vez]

Andami nang magagandang advice here. Based on what you shared though and I could be wrong-- perhaps your fiance doesn't really feel like there's a problem. Have you talked to him about what you discussed here? Kasi if I were your fiance, I would also wait for the petition to be approved. It has nothing to do with how I feel about the person I'm with but because my family worked hard for it and spent money on it and I would like their effort to be worth it. Baka he feels that since you guys have been living together for so long, you guys are good as married. And in many ways, you really are. Talagang depende lang yan sa POV ng tao. The way I see it, he proposed to you, he lives with you and you guys seem to have a solid relationship so he's doing right by you naman. Most likely, he's not aware that this is eating you up.

Talk to him sis. You're not alone in this relationship so you shouldn't feel like you couldn't be honest with him. And if you do, well, that's something to note when you make your pros and cons list.

[glamorosa_09]

TS, ito yung mga words na binanggit mo na gusto kong i-focus:
-goal
-direction
-point
-meaning
-aimless
-emptiness
-de susing dolls

You feel that your relationship is aimless, directionless, pointless, meaningless. That you and your partner are like de-susing dolls, going through the motion, therefore it gives you a sense of emptiness.

And you are looking into wedding/marriage as a solution to your problem. But do you think that a contract or a piece of paper will solve your existential problem in your relationship? So does it mean, that after the wedding magkakaroon na ng direction at point ang pagsasama niyo? Unless you plan to have babies, or embark on a project together after the wedding, then magkakaron ng direction.

It appears to me that you and your partner are just co-existing together, wala kayong "common goals" as a couple such as touring the whole world together, building a business together, doing charity together, or raising kids together (o kahit survive in life together). What you have are "individual goals," like you finishing post-grad. But common goal ng relationship niyo, ano nga ba?  It is common goal that will give you meaning, purpose, and point in your relationship -- the things you kept mentioning on your post. With a common goal, you will feel that your relationship is up for something. Without this, as a couple, you're like de susing dolls, going through the motion, without an aim to achieve.

Ang tagal niyo na ngang nagsasama, 8-10 years nang kayong dalawa lang. Kaya posibleng nag-stagnate na ang relationship niyo.  Fight for the wedding/marriage if you must, but like what I said, a piece of paper will not provide your relationship something to look forward to everyday or the years to come, wala na rin kayo sa honeymoon stage, tagal na kayong wife-husband in your set-up. You can both relish with each other's individual worlds, pero baka sawa ka na rin dun, tipong what's new?

And siguro, you are the type of person who gives importance to having a sense of meaning. So, either this man isn't for you or reinvent your relationship and build common goals together.

[lalee888]

Hi Sis @damselindistress

I think throwaway account mo lang ito and you just wanted to post your experience without giving away your identity. But anyway, I'm wondering how you've been, it's been a couple of days... i hope all is okay and you've found a plan of approach to your situation?

Naisip ko lang din, parang red flag yata na for 8-10 years, there is an elephant in the room that you and your partner never talked about? it seems to me may issues din kayo because why have you never talked about the engagement ring you have and never made plans... whether he is dealing with his own worries of the future, or yours, it seems tragic that a couple cannot be open to each other... dun pa lang, parang symptom na sya ng bigger problem.. or individually, may individual issues kayo.

Hope you are okay, and you find peace in a plan. Mejo ramdam na ramdam ko situation mo sis. Praying for you.