My BF's barkada are cheaters, does that mean he will soon cheat as well?

[HAYLEELOVE]

I know my BF's FB password, he voluntarily gave it to me. I don't mean to pry on his messages but somehow my curiosity got the best of me. I came across a group message on his FB messenger and rummage across the conversation among his close barkada. Now most of these guys are either married or in a relationship. And I was shock to find provocative pictures of their kabits and even bayarang girls with them, not to mention some porno clips, conversation about sex and all, and how they should reinforce code of silence among them. Now I know boys will be boys, but I just couldn't shake it off. My bf on the otherhand, is almost passive in replying. Sometimes, he would just send a thumbs up or make a joke about it. HOWEVER, HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CONDEMN it and somehow, his other replies gave me the impression that he approves what they are doing.

Now someone told me a long time ago that "if you play with pigs long enough, you will at some point get dirty..." The revelation made me uneasy and honestly, I am getting persistent thoughts about how intact my bf's moral compass is. I mean I do have friends, girlfriends, who
were a bit playful however, I always try to be frank with them. Tell them that what they are doing is wrong. And most of them, as they aged, matured and quit their ways. But my bf's male barkada, you can say, "tumatandang paurong."

I don't know, I shouldn't have opened his messages. But somehow, no matter how I try to shake these thoughts, I get this uneasy feeling of insecurity about his morality. He is loyal to me, for now, but birds of the same feather flock together, isn't it? Close pa naman niya yung mga yun. And I am very much worried, he will join the flock in the near future.

Very much appreciate your advice and point of views. Thanks!

[khaleesiCersei]

Hi ts! Ang masasabi ko lang.. I doubt na may barkadahan ng guys na hindi katulad ng sa bf mo. I think pare pareho lang mga barkadahan na yan.  Sa isang barkadahan may babaero, may mga bastos na jokes.. Yung pag sila sila lang boys magkakasama eh hindi maiiwasan mga ganyang usapan, pero naniniwala ako na hindi ibig sabihin eh pare pareho na sila ng ugali or ginagawa sa buhay nila.

 May sari sarili pa rin naman mga utak mga yan, parang tayo din mga babae, sa barkadahan, may chismosa, may t@nga sa pag ibig etc pero hindi ibig sabihin pare pareho na tayo ng ugali at relationships. I mean hindi porket may isa tayong friend na mahilig sa bad boys eh kapareho na rin natin ng taste.

I know compared naman sa barkadahan ng boys na may cheaters eh mas tame ang barkadahan ng mga girls pero siguro ganon talaga eh, yun ang pagkakaiba ng girls and boys. Sabi nga nila men are from mars, women are from venus.

Ang mapapayo ko lang, mag focus ka sa relationship nyo ng bf mo at kung anong meron kayo, hindi sa kung ano yung mga kaibigan niya. Hiwalay yun eh, magkaiba sila.

Bago ka ba dumating sa buhay niya, mga kaibigan na niya yan mga yan? If so, stop overthinking things. Kung magdwedwell ka dun sa mga nabasa mo, ikaw lang talo at laging paranoid.

So yun focus on your relationship, not on his friends. Kung masaya kayo at wala naman kayong problema, wag ka na mag isip ng kung ano ano. Trust and respect, yun for me ang key to a harmonious relationship.

[Girltalker2]

Agree ako na iba iba ang tao. Some give in to these temptations while some don?t.
Importante yung focus nya sayo and yung will nya NOT to cheat.

Kwento ko sayo ex ko and see if you can make some sense out of it. Nung bf/gf palang kami, mababait barkada nya, and Super loyal sya sakin. Though may friends din sya na mga bastos gaya ng friends ng bf mo.
Fast forward, when we graduated from college, we started working and Mas exposed kami sa outside world. He started going out more often with officemates, friends gaya ng friends ng bf mo. But he maintained his friendship naman with the guy friends I know na ok/mababait.  Idk if may influence yung barkada or ofcmates, but ultimately he changed. Puede ko rin i-attribute ang career success sa infidelity nya, at Di sa bad barkada. But at the end of the day, his will to be faithful Tingin ko wasn?t strong enough at madali sya nagpadala sa temptations, hanggang sa naging habit.

Tanong ko lang sayo, if ever ba you find out he is also doing the same as his barkada, are you ready to leave him? Or just hope he won?t do it? Kasi if you?re not ready to leave him naman, maybe there?s no point?

And lastly, is he truthful all the time? Or minsan May tendency sya mag lie even on small things sayo, friends or family nya? I?m not talking about loyalty ah, just asking if he is prone to lie/hide things. Kasi yung ex ko oo eh, nung bf/gf palang kami, he doesn?t lie to me (at least not that I know of), pero May tendency sya to falsify documents or lie on small things kahit nothing at stake. Di ko naman pinansin coz I thought he was just having fun.

Kasi between my current bf and ex, iyan yung nakita ko malaking difference, yung potential nila to lie.

Tsaka naalala ko nung bf/gf pa kami ng ex ko, shine share nya sakin Pag May ganyang usapan sa friends nya. Kaso somewhere along the way, sya ang naligaw. But he maintained friendships with them and hang out with them.

My current bf, also shares such stories. Siguro Ang difference, my current bf ?avoids? going out with these types of people. Minsan after the game, tatanungin ko sya why sya uwi agad, kala ko May usapan sila to go out kasi it?s been awhile since their team went out (may laro kasi sila tuwing Friday). Sabi nya, ay yung dalawang babaero andun kasi, ayaw ko sila makasama. Something like that.but having said that, feeling ko there?s no guarantee  na a guy will always be loyal. Siguro the only thing is nag f focus nalang ako sa relationship namin and as the gf, we need to see if their morals are aligned with us (example, ano Tingin nya sa babae sex object? Or sayo lang sya focus? May respect ba sya sa kababaihan).

TS, di kaya what bothers you most is him not sharing their ?secrets? to you? Baka you?re not yet at the stage ng relationship na he is fully comfortable with you and need nyo pa mas idevelop ang trust nyo sa isa?t Isa.

[airish_2]

I agree TS focus ka na lang sa relationship nyo kasi baka nga maparanoid ka sa nabasa mo at baka everytime na lumalabas si bf with friends eh, maghinala ka. Yung barkada ng asawa ko ganiyan din total opposite nga yung isa f*** boi, yung isa ayun magmemessage sa asawa ko na mag table sila ng chicks. May nabasa din ako na convo nila na. Dapat daw di daw muna nag asawa si hubby para everynight happy hour sila grabe pa makakuwento kung anong ginagawa sa babae. Yung tungkol sa meron silang brother code common na talaga yan sa mga lalake iba kasi sila sa mga babae tsaka hindi rin talaga sila mapakealam sa personal life kahit pa matagal na silang magkakaibigan yan kasi naobserve ko magsheshare sila syempre pero never sila makikialam.

[glamorosa_09]

Do they spend a lot of time together?

Understandable kung mga nasa early 20's, gustong mag-explore at mag-experiment, strong hormones eh. Pero kung mga nasa late 20s or 30s na at family/committed men na, personally I would expect na nag-mature na sila at hindi na naglalaro. In that case, their age or their developmental stage does not explain their behaviors, their characters do.

Seems like it's not your bf's character naman..Pray ka na lang that the opportunity to cheat will not present itself, meaning there'd be no woman who will get attracted to your bf who is shameless enough to give hints OR there'd be no woman whom your bf would have a strong mutual attraction with. Because if there's an opportunity to cheat PLUS a social circle that allows it PLUS an individual weakness , then pray that he's strong enough to overcome all of it.

Good luck!

[hisana]

I agree, kung medyo past impressionable age na si bf, nasa sariling personality na nya yun if he will cheat or not. Yung birds of a feather flock together (or playing with pigs, or whatever other idiom, LOL)...it's not always the case naman, di ba. Marami nga akong kilalang reverse naman -- matitino yung mga barkada pero magugulat ka na lang, may ibang babae na. Masasabi ko lang is that if ever your bf decides to cheat, yun nga lang, for sure kukunsentihin at baka tulungan pa yan ng mga yun.

[HAYLEELOVE]

Thank you all for your replies.

My bf's barkada are in their late 20's and mid-30's. So it puzzles me talaga na bakit ganun pa rin silang mag-isip. At this time, guys like them ay dapat nagsawa na sa mga ganitong bagay. My bf was once like them, pero that was before. Nagmature na (sa pagkakaalam ko). What I just don't understand pa is napakataas pa naman ng level ng faithfulness ang nirerequire nila sa isang babae. Like kapag meron lang silang nabalitaan na kakilala nilang babae na nangaliwa tingin na nila sa babae, pokp*k na (this includes my bf). Pero kapag sila naman ang gumawa, porket mga lalake sila, parang dagdag macho pa sa kanila. Naiinis ako. Kaya siguro medyo nadisappoint ako kay bf dahil pag nagkwento siya kung makajudge siya sa mga married women na nagkaroon ng affair about langit ang pandidiri niya! Eh hello yung mga ulupong na barkada naman niya, mga immoral. Ang tindi talaga ng double standards nila. Bakit ganun ang mga lalake?

Nashock lang siguro ako sa brutal ng usapan nila. And may point kayo ladies, hindi siguro nababase dun ang faithfullness ng isang guy. Nasa kanya na talaga kung manloloko siya. I hope and pray to God everyday, that I would not experience the same thing I had with my ex. I pray that he won't be tempted, lalo usong uso ang sulutan ngayon. May itsura and may pera pa naman siya. Well if in case na mangyari man ang kinakatakutan ko, I hope I will have the strength to move on. He hasn't given me anything naman para magduda.

[argento]

Understandable kung mga nasa early 20's, gustong mag-explore at mag-experiment, strong hormones eh. Pero kung mga nasa late 20s or 30s na at family/committed men na,

wala sa edad yan.

[Girltalker2]

^^ sis, have you talked about these things - unfaithful men?
Ano sa Tingin nya dito, ok lang o hindi. And are you vocal in saying if ever mangyari sa inyo, goodbye kamo para matakot din.

[keejac21]

They say cheating happens when there is an opportunity. So if yung barkada ni bf eh nagproprovide ng opportunities.. dont be surprised na siguro. My opinion lang sis.

[airish_2]

Haha! I hate double standards din, buti hindi mo nasabihan si bf mo na 'grabe ka naman pag lalake okay lang pag babae hindi?!'

[HAYLEELOVE]

^^ sis, have you talked about these things - unfaithful men?
Ano sa Tingin nya dito, ok lang o hindi. And are you vocal in saying if ever mangyari sa inyo, goodbye kamo para matakot din.

Hello. No I haven?t. Bumobwelo lang ako. Ayaw ko kasi isipin niya pinakekealaman ko messages niya (although binigay naman niya password niya sa FB). Pero in time, I will open up these things to him. I know myself, hindi ko rin matitimpi sarili ko not to voice out my disappointments.

I am always vocal about infidelity. Whenever there is an opportunity, I tell him that cheating is non-negotiable for me. Kumbaga termination agad agad if he does it to me. Of course, I don?t know how far I am ready to, considering that I really love him. So far he is faithful naman. He is open on all of his social media accounts as well as his whereabouts. Really, there is nothing for now that indicates that he?s going south. Eto lang kasi mga convo nila ng barkada niya. Turn off ako. Or maybe because I do have high standards on everything and expect people to behave according to their age. Haha. I guess most men will always be boys at any age. Shame.

^ Tama. Nakakainis ang mga lalakeng ganyan. A sin is always a sin no matter what gender it is. In our society laging kawawa ang babae.

[Girltalker2]

Hello. No I haven?t. Bumobwelo lang ako. Ayaw ko kasi isipin niya pinakekealaman ko messages niya (although binigay naman niya password niya sa FB). Pero in time, I will open up these things to him. I know myself, hindi ko rin matitimpi sarili ko not to voice out my disappointments.

I?m sure Ma bring up mo rin naman in time.,But for now, puedeng scenario based muna usapan like based on a movie or may kakilala. Or if you?re out with his friends, Pag May comment na pabalang, you can ask him ano Tingin nya sa comment ng Friend nya.

Puede naman kasi na di rin magtagal friendships nila as years go by. Need lang talaga maging strong ang personality ng bf mo at Di magpapadala.

There might be some truth kasi sa saying na - tell me who you?re friends are and I will tell you who you are.
So eventually sana makahanap sya Ibang circle of friends din na mas makatao at di bastos.

[Apple1230]

^^why bring it up? He gave you his password kasi he trusts na hindi mo papake alaman or you will not make a big deal out of whatever you will see in his social media account. Nakikisama lang siya sa group alangan naman sabihin niya ?uy guys wag kayo maging ganyan bad yan? E di parang ang kj niya naman diba? hehe

Focus on what you have na lang. Kung happy siya hindi niya maiisip tumingin sa iba. So just don?t give him a reason to look elsewhere. And if ever you did your best pero niloko ka pa din fault niya na yun.

Baka kaya ka nagkaka ganyan is coz it happened to you before. May fear ka kasi na maulit and na trigger siya nung group chat. Just keep your eyes open huwag mag bulag bulagan pero kung wala naman ginagawa bf mong masama sayo then you should not be bothered by anything.

[Ms. Undecided]

IMO, wala sa edad, wala sa kung sinong nakakahalubilo, kung gusto mag-cheat, magche-cheat, PERIOD.

[khaleesiCersei]

^agree sis hehe.. tsaka ako naman imo talaga pare pareho lang yang barkadahan ng lalaki. Matino lang mga yan pag may girlfriend/asawa nakapaligid. Pero pag sila sila na lang, puro kalokohan/kabastusan na pinag uusapan.

[hisana]

^
Sadly, agree ako sa sinabi mo sis because I feel there's some truth to it. Siguro many would not go as far as actively cheat on their partners, pero yung puro kalokohan ang pinag-uusapan pag sila lang, yes, even the mild-mannered, "sweet", nerdy types sometimes do this. Example lang recently, meron kasi akong friend/coworker na sinasabi nya yung mga pinag-uusapan nila kasi minsan kasama pala ako dun sa usapan, so sinusumbong nya sa akin. Jusko, hindi mo aakalain talaga sa kilos at itsura nila. Among the several examples I could give lang yan.

[glamorosa_09]

Re: jokes

There are green jokes and there are jokes/statements that are tinged with a mentality that generally views women as objects to be used and possessed.

Okay ako with green jokes and in fact, I also participate in some, especially with my husband. Pero yung mentality na women are mababa, that's a no-no for me. And I guess, may pagka-ganun yata yung dating ng convo nila, that is why TS is bothered.

Re: usap

I don't know with bf-gf kung appropriate yun, pero in marriage, why not? As long hindi attacking/judging ang pakikipag-usap.

For instance in our marriage, may nabasa husband ko sa celfone ko at may nabasa ako sa messenger nya, napag-usapan naman namin. No one turned the table on the other, tipong walang nagsabing "bakit ka nagbabasa ng message ng iba?" Meron ding ibang marriages na hindi ginagawang issue yung privacy, they focus on the issue and not on the invasion of privacy.

So for me, whether you open it up or not depends on your relationship and sa ugali ng partner mo.

[Shadow Angel]

Depende if strong ang personality ng bf un tipong hindi madaling maimplwensyahan ng kahit na sino friends or family. May sariling disisyon sa buhay. Pero kung si bf madaling mahikayat dyan ka medyo magworry. Sa situation ng bf mo mas mataas nga lang percentage ng temptation kasi naka paligid sa kanya ganun ang gawain. Naniniwala rin ako na kung gusto magcheat magchecheat kahit ano pang higpit at bantay mo.

[shinies]

kapag meron lang silang nabalitaan na kakilala nilang babae na nangaliwa tingin na nila sa babae, pokp*k na (this includes my bf) --- eto parang defensive mechanism na di sila yung mali

Nasa tao naman yan at wala sa kaibigan niya lalo kung malakas ang foundation ng values ng BF mo.

PERO, nakakalakas kasi ng loob kung may "support group" na ok lang mambabae.. Bad influence sila hindi maganda yan lalo kung kasal na kayo.
Sample, kasal na kayo, nag-away kayo o kaya merong problema, imbis na tulungan nila umayos baka sabihin pa "hanap ka na lang iba", "iraos mo lang yan sa iba", etc.
Possible risk yan kung kayo magkatuluyan at diyan siya tatakbo pag may pinagdadaanan kayo.

Meron ba siyang ibang group of friends na matino at responsable naman? O yan na talaga?