my friend is marrying the wrong guy

[amethyst028]

Hi mga sis need advice about my friend.

To give a background about the situation:

My friend got engaged mid of last year. At first we were so happy for her. 34 na siya so off age na. They have been dating for 3years already. But then she started confessing na the guy does not have savings. He gets money from his parents at his age 40yrs. Old na. No house, may car bought by the parents. He lived a very seniorito lifestyle. The family is well off pero parang nalulugi na daw according to her.

Guy started a business but they decided to rent in an upscale place as their showroom, rental is p250k a month. It has been 4months since they opened and has not yet sold anything. Si girl panic mode. Ask her mom for help so si madir stepped in and bought their stocks gusto na nga pakyawin lahat para makatulong lang. one product nasa 50-100k each.

Girl?s family is very very rich may mga plane sila as in airplane. May mall as in parang sm or robinsons ganun kalaki, hospital, 3 star hotel etc. came from a political family also. So ayun bongga talaga si girl but very simple so hindi mo aakalain na ganun siya kayaman.

The guy is not affectionate. They don?t hold hands ayaw ng guy inaalis niya pag hinahawakan siya. Reason niya pasmado siya. They don?t french kiss kasi uncoordinated daw so awkward kaya hindi na lang. They have never had sex. Girl claims she is still a virgin eventhough sa u.s siya nag aral. When they sleep together pag out of town or out of the country naka talikod sa kanya yung guy. One time pinatong niya legs niya sa guy?s legs tinanggal daw ang reason mainit. In short no physical contact whatsoever.

Me and my 2 other girl friends na kinukwentuhan niya super ayaw sa guy. Coz of her stories. They are set to wed in october. We just feel she wil regret it kasi parang luging lugi siya. Maganda siya and may harvard education pa. Si guy so-so lang itsura, average height mga 5?7?, dad bod as in malaki tiyan, medyo malaman so hindi naman pwede sabihin na looks niya ang nagustuhan ni girl. Sana may magawa kame to stop her from making a huge mistake.

What do you think valid ba ang concern namin or are we just being superficial? I?ve never been married so what do i know. Pero diba mga sis parang may mali?

[hisana]

Ano ba daw nagustuhan nya dun? Minsan kasi someone does not look good on paper but there's something that makes them click.

[Girltalker2]

Does she love him?
Does she feel loved?

Susmio nagkalat ang mga articles sa internet about sex being an integral part of a marriage/relationship.

Ano reaction nya when you tell her something is off

[amethyst028]

@hisana they started out as groupmates sa class where we all met. then nung tapos na yung class the guy would ask her to hang out almost everyday sila magkasama kasi walang work si girl dahil richie rich and si guy naman works sa family niya so madami rin time. she said na fall siya kasi madami raw oras sa kanya. tingin ko she grew up kasi na super busy yung parents niya and mga kapatid may kanya kanya rin social life so parang uhaw siya sa quality time. kahit yung bahay nila super laki may sariling passage yung mga maids para hindi makasalubong yung mga amo ganung level walang ka tao tao.  nag over night kame and hindi kame naka kita ng family members niya. hindi sila nagkikita kita kahit nasa house lang. siguro gusto niya talaga yung may makasama at maka usap parati.

@Girltalker2 she loves him medyo baliw level na nga kasi lahat ng short comings ni guy ini-ignore niya. the guy loves him too i guess pero hirap lang talaga if his goal is pantayan yung girl. they used to always spend time together and every sunday they go to chruch sa religion ni girl. but lately madalang na sila magkita and hindi na sila nag church ayaw na sumama ng guy. parang eng eng nga si girl kasi sunud sunuran lahat ng sabihin ng guy ginagawa. she is lowering herself for this person.

ang attitude kasi ng friend ko she would invite us out then mag unload ng mga sama ng loob niya or worries niya about her partner. kame naman mega advice until one time inabot na kame ng 5am puro yun ang topic. pero wala naman tumatagos sa kanya na advice namin. sige pa rin siya to the point na siya na kumukulit sa guy mag plan ng wedding. atat na atat si ate ikasal hehe! kame nga hoping and praying na ma cancel na yang engagement na yan.

[kaythrielle]

It seems like nothing will work naman kahit anong gawin nyo or kahit anong advice sabihin sa friend because sobrang blinded by love.
Unless siguro yung guy mismo makipag-break, mukhang tuloy ang engagement at kasal.
Siguro suggest a pre-nup na lang, if she?s open to it. Lol

[amethyst028]

^she has unrealistic expectations kasi. she believes that she can change him. her parents got married and they had nothing so iniisip niya kung ano na achieve ng parents niya kaya rin nila pantayan. we kept telling her it was a different time. pero matigas ulo ni ate.

eto nga nag i-invite, she is asking for help in planning her wedding. the guy doesn't want to talk about the wedding kasi walang pera hindi kumikita yung business niya. but she still insists on getting started. ganun siguro pag mayaman very head strong kung ano gusto mo kailangan masunod. yikes. hehe!

[Girltalker2]

^ nagka bf  na ba ang friend mo?
Naisip ko lang if she meets others na better sa fianc? nya, tingin mo puede magbago isip nya?

[kittypaw]

Well what you can do is mag advise lang if she don't follow it then what else can you do? you're just a friend and the girl is 34 na, she can make her own decisions. I only make real saw-saw sa problem ng iba pag core ng family ko like kapatid. Pero friends, you can only advice that's all.

[airish_2]

Pag pray mo na lang friend mo since hindi nakikinig o di kaya idaan niyo sa joke like basta "sis pag nagising ka  sa katotohan sagot mo na alak at food."

[shinies]

Baka nga dahil naghahanap si friend mo ng makakasama kaya ok lang kahit ganyan.
Ituloy mo lang pag-aadvice yun lang naman magawa mo bilang kaibigan eh. Pwede ka din magbabasa basa dito o kaya hanap ka ng mga online references para ipakita sa kanya ano dapat pag kasal na.

Pero my god, walang intimacy ano yan Baka bading

[hisana]

For sure nakita na rin ng parents ni girl yung mga red flags na ito and maybe advised her against it, pero tuloy pa rin ni girl ang kasal, so I agree na at this point mukhang decided na si girl. Meron kasi talagang mga ganun eh, medyo low ang standards, no offense. Baka she's sticking to him out of nakasanayan na lang (I don't know how to explain it...yung tipong you build your world around this guy and eventually you keep on adjusting until yun na rin ang world mo, so kahit may mga problema you want to stick around and try to fix it instead of knowing when to walk away). Kasi di ba ang tagal na pala nila...from class up until now.

Feeling ko the only way out of this is magmatigas yung parents, o kaya the girl meets someone else and she gets this feeling na there are other possibilities out there. Kaya lang ang hirap naman i-orchestrate ang ganito, LOL, baka umabot na sa kasal. Idelay at idelay nyo na lang yung wedding, hahaha.

[glamorosa_09]

Parang ganito din ako sa friend ko dati... I thought at the time she deserves better. Sobrang concerned ko sa kaibigan ko, I treat her like my own sister. I even psychoanalyzed her to make her realize why she fell for this guy. I was tempted to talk like my mom, "o pag ito kinatuluyan mo, sino bibili ng diaper? San kayo titira, baka magkagalis ka?" LOL. But I didn't of course. I just expressed my doubt about this guy, pati yung fidelity nya, mukhang may history eh.

After 10 years, sila pa rin, live-in.  Maalaga naman si guy, hinahatid sundo si girl pag kinakailangan. Although girl is primary breadwinner, she was the one who bought a car na pang-uber ni guy. Mukhang responsible naman. The way the interact together, okay naman.

I'm not saying happily ever after din friend mo. Mapa-kapatid, kaibigan, o kahit anak, it's their choice, their life. Just let her be, knowing you tried your best to be a good friend. And if their decision proved to be wrong, never say "I told you so..." Just prepare your ears and your shoulders for them to cry on. And in time if they become toxic to you, the never-ending complainer who refuses to save herself and be saved, then discern whether it's time to let go. Sad, but what can you do?

[amethyst028]

^ nagka bf  na ba ang friend mo?
Naisip ko lang if she meets others na better sa fianc? nya, tingin mo puede magbago isip nya?

no sis, she had bf's before mostly nung nasa u.s siya. even her mom is asking her if she is sure that this guy is the best already. they are not excited about her wedding. parang deadma lang ang family niya.

Pero my god, walang intimacy ano yan Baka bading

exactly our thoughts. they don't even kiss on the lips. sa cheeks lang siya kini-kiss parang beso sa amiga ganon lang. kaloka. nung nag boracay kame tinanggal ng friend ko yung cover up niya naka two piece bikini siya aba ni hindi man lang tumingin yung lalake considering na they haven't been intimate diba dapat hot na hot na yun? pero wala e sa iba naka tingin si guy sa opposite direction. baka may macho siyang sina-sight doon. haha! nakakainis. 

Feeling ko the only way out of this is magmatigas yung parents, o kaya the girl meets someone else and she gets this feeling na there are other possibilities out there. Kaya lang ang hirap naman i-orchestrate ang ganito, LOL, baka umabot na sa kasal. Idelay at idelay nyo na lang yung wedding, hahaha.

34 na kasi siya kaya siguro feeling ng parents she is old enough to make her own decisions. ang nakakatawa yung mga kapatid niya and parents are all planning a europe trip same week ng wedding niya. they will be back 1 day before the big day. baka kung pwede lang huwag na mag attend gagawin nila. she is being treated as a second class citizen daw by her family. pag may mga big decisions sa business hindi siya sinasali sa usapan simula nung na engage siya. baka kasi feeling nila yung guy lang ang makikinabang.

[amethyst028]

Just let her be, knowing you tried your best to be a good friend. And if their decision proved to be wrong, never say "I told you so..." Just prepare your ears and your shoulders for them to cry on. And in time if they become toxic to you, the never-ending complainer who refuses to save herself and be saved, then discern whether it's time to let go. Sad, but what can you do?

on my birthday dinner wala na kame pinag usapan kundi yung problem niya with this guy. i had to cut her off nga sabi ko i'll give her 30 more minutes and after that we move on to other topics kasi birthday ko. 3hours na puro siya lang and this guy. she keeps complaining pero ayaw naman niya hiwalayan.

the problem is she wants to have it all. ayaw niya siya ang bubuhay gusto niya yung guy dapat. e mukhang hindi nga ganon ang mangyayari. she wants at least a P14million home, at least daw. e malabo kasi walang ipon, lugi ang business. she can afford it but she does not want to pay for it. she wants a go getter but this guy seems like a slacker. parang gusto ni guy iha-hand sa kanya ang lahat ayaw niya pag hirapan. she is so stressed out because of her expectations.

i told her diba nga sa kasal ina-ask "do you accept this man as your lawfully wedded husband" the word is accept so dapat tanggap niya kasi it will be a bad marriage if she looks at her husband as a home improvement project. she is trying to turn him into someone he is not.

mukhang itutuloy niya talaga kasi nasabi na daw sa lahat. nakakahiya daw pag nag back out. oh my.

[hisana]

Alam mo sis, the more you reveal details about your friend and her wants/thoughts/feelings, the more din ako nacoconvince that this is not a good idea! Maybe she's fixated on the idea of marriage kasi mid-30s na sya? This can really cloud one's judgment. But who knows her real reason at this point. Sasabihin ko sana na baka true love naman ito, but I worry that lagi sya nagrereklamo. Good luck to them na lang.

[airish_2]

Katakot yung ganyang hindi nakikinig sis if i were sa inyong mga friendship dapat diretsain nyo sya, naprangka nyo na ba? Kami kasi dinadaan namin sa biro pero totoo at kung friend siya hindi siya maooffend.

Like, ano ba yan friend puro ka reklamo ayaw mo naman hiwalayan. Tsaka how can she survive na walang sex? Kahit kiss man lang wala? Ayain nyo syang magretreat yung malayo sa guy gumagawa na siya ng sarili niyang fantasy nakakaawa nga naman.

[kvandenhaak]

No physical intimacy of any sort? HUGE RED FLAG. Bottomline is she made up her mind. Just let her be. Let her discover the mistake on her own. You gave her warning so you're not liable anymore.

[Shadow Angel]

I have this kind of friend na sobrang tigas ng ulo. Mula sa umpisa ayaw ko sa bf nya unang kilala ko pa lang alam ko ng player at mahilig magyabang. Dami ko na napayo sa friend ko pero dedma sya naiwan pa nga ako sa ere kasi nag focus sya sa bf nya until naging asawa nya eto hiwalay na after 10 years na pagka martir sa pambabae ng mister. In the end ako naman una nyang hinanap. Sabi nya nga bakit nga ba hindi sya nakinig sa akin hindi raw sana miserable ang buhay nya ngayon.

Ang ibig ko sabihin kahit anong payo mo hindi yan makikinig sayo ang gusto nya lang mag vent out ng emotion nya hindi payo ang kailangan nya. Goodluck sa friend mo.

[sparklingjewel]

We all have friends who like to whine and seek advice but won't really listen to it. Sometimes it's us who get irritated pa because we gave them our time and sincerely tried to help them but you just see that they're not receptive. For me as long as you did your part as a friend, ok na. We care about them so much but it's their life and we can't control them really. If they end up with a bad decision, sila din naman tatamaan nun.

[amethyst028]

thanks girls for your replies. i really appreciate it.

last time we talked where she hi-jacked my birthday dinner for 3 and 1/2 hours to talk about her and her issues with her fiance  she is having second thoughts about marrying this guy.

but then lately parati sila magkasama, mag out of town daw sila this weekend then first week feb mag out of the country. mukhang nakahalata si guy na lumalayo si girl so now he is trying his best to pull her back in.

tuloy na tuloy na talaga. as much as we want her not to make the same mistakes we did no amount of talking her out of it will change her mind. we tried our best and that's what matters. aabangan na lang namin ang susunod na kabanata. she is a really good person so we hate to see bad things happen to her. she deserves better sana ma realize niya yun bago mahuli ang lahat.