To the woman who ALMOST had a future with my husband,
I am writing this now--almost 5 years after my husband's affair with you--not to spite you or get back at you. Although I have moved on from all the pain and hurt the two of you have caused me, I want to express whatever I felt back then. All those things I wanted to say. You know damn well that I kept my silence and accepted everything that time. I was even the first to say sorry and ask for forgiveness when I discovered your affair--that's proof of how naive and stupid I was. I delved on the thought that everything was my fault.
It took a while for him--2 years--to utter the word SORRY and sincerely ask for forgiveness. He showed remorse and regret over his indiscretions--the things he did to spite me because he felt so much anger towards me. He told me that looking back, he felt embarrassed over what he did. He admitted that he was immature and too weak to handle and face problems in our marriage. He is thankful for the sacrifices I made that time (because I came to a point where I was ready to let him go and he decided to change in a split second), and that I chose to stay--because he cannot imagine his life without me.
And of course, along with his remorse, he had to confess and tell me everything. He said he's been having problems with me and had a hard time communicating with me. Being that you and him worked together and were friends, you became his confidant with our marriage problems. You were giving him pieces of advice, whatever they were. And somewhere along the way, the transition from friends to "lovers" happened--like it was inevitable. You two were hamming it up, having a good time, great sex, the works. He said he did have sex with you out of anger and resentment towards me. Up to this day he feels shame and humiliation over everything he did. I can see it in his face, and in his eyes.
They say when a man cheats on his wife, she should blame him and not the other woman. He is the only one accountable for the affair. He is the culprit. If it were a crime--the man is the mastermind, the mistress was just an accessory. Now that I know better, I say that's all a bunch of bull****. If you were NOT in any way aware that he was married, then I'll succumb to that idea and yes, I'll spare you the guilt trip (not that you felt any guilt nor remorse, anyway). But you knew I existed. I was the reason why you suddenly entered the scene, why he confided in you. And yet, you had the audacity to give in and officially join the illicit affair. And boy were you two enjoying, sending each other naked pictures of yourselves, what you would do to each other. Oh how easy it was to turn your raunchy ideas into actions! You two were sharing your plans, your dreams. I have unearthed all of these when I discovered your rendezvous. Days after the news was out and I confronted him about you, I would sneak on his phone and send you messages, and of course you quickly replied. I realized I was worse than a masochist. The most painful part was when you surmised that you "might be" pregnant. And you wanted him to be with you and choose you. It was like taking a bullet. I wanted to die.
With the help of prayers and time, I have moved on. I healed. My rare thoughts of you and the affair do not seem to hurt me anymore. And even though you fought for your position in my husband's life and showed no guilt over your actions, I have forgiven you. Don't be mistaken and think that I did this for you. I did it for me. I set myself free. It stopped my grudge from snowballing. Sorry, but I'm not going to drink poison and slowly kill myself while you're running around free and enjoying your life. If there's one thing I learned from all of this, it's to love myself first and never lose myself. That I am also important and I matter.
I may have forgiven you, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten everything. Cliche as it may sound, I'm only human.
One last thing. I heard news about you having a new surname. So I'm guessing you got yourself a husband. Just a piece of unsolicited advice--stay strong because marriage is hard work. And besides, you'll never know. What goes around comes around, right?
