Paranoid

[Maldita_Princess_Bebe]

Lage kong sasabihin na salamat sa inyong dalawa. Salamat sa tyaga nyo na magbasa.
Iba pala talaga yung pakiramdam na kahit hindi ka maintindihan pero alam mong may nakikinig.
salamat dahil binabasa nyo at naiintindihan nyo pa,

1.Nervous Breakdown ?- i cannot really recall to be honest. Pero sabi ng partner ko several times. Just at this time hindi ko pa marecall.

2. PTSD ? broken family. Nakitira kay tito, tita, another tito, lola lolo, kapatid ni lola etc.
I dont have my mom nor dad to protect me. I was a just kid and suffered from bullying throughout of my elementary days. I dont have papa to protect me. I was asked to go my lolo?s house na albularyo, gagamutin nya raw ako. He took of my shirt and I was molested. I have no papa to protect me. I kept it to myself. I am a favorite niece of my uncles. They would invite to go to farm and maghaharvest kami ng mga fruits and veggies mapapagod ako kakain, papatulugin ako sa dahon ng niyog o saging and I was molested. That was elementary days. Nung nag highschool ako, napakaraming hirap, andyan yung wala kang pera pambili ng gamit sa school, pambili ng uniform or kahit pambaon sa school. So pag bakasyon, pumupunta ako sa ibang kamag anak namin nagbabangay ng tindahan o nag aalaga ng bata. Kase yung nanay nung bata nagwowork. So ako nagpapatulog sa bata, sa room nila and the father of the child forced me to sleep beside him pinipilit nya akong yakapin. Iyak ako ng iyak wala akong pupuntahan 2am yun. Kelangan ko ng pera kelangan ng work. So again I dont have papa to protect when somebody is hurting her supposed to be princess. Tapos na ang bakasyon umuwi ako samen dala lahat ng gamit pang school kasama na yung mga stepbrothers ko. Pero nagkasakit ako nilagnat ako. Kaso akala ko may stepfather akong tutulong saken, hindi pala binugbog nya ako kase ang ibinalita pala samen nilandi ko daw yung pinsan ko nung andun ako sa kanila ng bakasyon. I was sick and still beaten to death. I dont have papa to protect me. My mama tried naman to help me, pero my stepfather was so strong and my mama naman hindi nya kayang pigilin yung isang timbang tubig na binuhos saken habang mataas ang lagnat ko. Papa ko, papa ko, papa ko asan ka kelangan kita.. tulungan mo po ako... ayun yung hagulhol ko noon. after 2 weeks hindi pa rin ako gunaling, nagkaron ng lumps sa kili kili ko... sumisigaw ako sa sakit kase hindi ako makakibo. Malayo kami sa bayan. Waland doctor, walang gamot, Papa, bakit wala akong papa...
mama tulungan mo ako... yung mama ko alam ko hatinggabi naghanap sya ng albularyo.
dko na alam nangyari nun,
pero naulit ulit after ilang months, pero iba na malambing na saken steofather ko. Pinapainom nya na ako ng painkiller, sya din bumili ng gamot, Actually minasahe pa nga nya ako e.
Napakabait nya, minasahe nya ako pagi maselang parte ng katawan ko napasigaw na lang ako.
pero hindi ko maisumbong sa mama ko. takot na takot ako. sasaktan nya kase kam sasaktan nya si mama. Dko na alam ilang beses naulit.
Nung makatapos ako ng higshchool, 1st honorable mention ako, sya sana magsasabit ng medal pero inunahan ko na ako na nagsabit sa sarili ko,
Sya rin sana gguide saken paakyat sa stage pero tumakbo ako nauna na ako.
Finally graduate na ako ng highschool.

Makakaalis na ako, hindi ko na kelangan gumawa ng gawain bahay para lang maramdaman ko na ay I belong pala. Hindi na ako maiinggit na masaya silang nagsasalo salo ng noche buena ako nakasilip lang sa kanila. Dadalhan lang ako ni mama dun sa likod bahay ng pagkain. Alam nyang di ako sasalo, pero alam nya rin na nangangarap ako ng buo masaya at totoong pamilya.

Aalis na ako nakuha ko na diploma ko, pero wala akong pupuntahan. eh sakto umuwi yung isang pinsan ko na may barbershop na minamangpage sarili nya. wala daw mag aalaga ng anak nila. sabi ko sigeako na lang kahit 1500 bayaran nyo ako importante may matutulugan ako at makakakain. Pumayag sya. Kako dun muna ako mag iipon ako ng pang college. Wala akong idea pa, galing ako sa bundok.

At the back of my mind, mag iipon lang ako ng sapat na pera para mahanap ko tatay ko.
Kaso magpapasukan na dko pa nahahanap. Nagscholar ako para walang tuition.
Kinakaya ko naman. Mahirap nakakapagod na pag uwi ko makakatulog na ako.
Tapos hindi ko naman akalain may free massage din pala pinsan ko. actually asawa ng pinsan ko.
dko na emphasize yan. tinabihan nya lang ako matulog pinipilit nya ako matulog magkatabi kami wala kase nun asawa nya sa bahay. pero di nya ako napilit,
kinabukasan tutal may sapat na akong pamasahe, hinahanap ko papa ko sa mga information na binigay saken.
nahanap ko sya,
dun na nagsimula mas impyernong buhay ko.
pero paano? pangarap kong makatapos, Wala akong ibang matatakbuhan. Bago lang ako sa Maynila.
So tiniis ko muna yung pag laseng sya sa niyayakap nya ako at hinahalikan. Umiiwas lang ako gital isang iwas isang bigwas lang gagaling sin yun. Wala na akong matatawag. Hindi ko na masabing papa tulungan mo ako iligtas mo po ako.
Gumawa ako ng paraan,nakiusap ako sa stepbrother ko dun sya tumira samen samhan nya ako.
Naging ok na, gumaan pakiramdam ko. Nakatulog na ako ng 2 hours finally.
pero dko na matandaan kinailangan nyang umalis, at ako ulet naiwan,
laseng si papa nun. pumasok sya sa room ko.  nag open sya ng topic about sex.
i ignored nag open ako ng books ko pero nagalit sya tinadtad nyang lahat yung mga books ko. wala na akong magagamit, naubos na ipon ko. Tinali nya kamay at paa ko sa kama, naghubad sya

[Rory_Lorelie_Gilmore]

  PM kita Sis.

[amethyst028]

^^i'm sorry to hear your story sis. you had a rough childhood and upbringing but you should rise from it. don't let your past dictate your future. you have a family now and they need you. you have to be strong for them. i know easier said than done but what choice do you have diba?

your husband needs to work to provide for your family, you need to become mentally and emotionally stable for them. also physically healthy para magawa mo yung daily function mo as a mom and partner.

hindi kasi excuse yung pinag daanan mo para mag stay kang miserable and pati family mo affected. keep yourself motivated, read motivational quotes or books, challenge yourself to be better everyday. make a set of goals or have a purpose and try to achieve them. everyday you wake up you are given a chance to start anew. take advantage of it and make it count. sorry if i sound insensitive, i can only imagine the hardship you went through baka kung ako yan hindi ko kayanin. but what else can you really do at this point diba? you just have to keep moving forward not backwards. and siguro more faith, keep praying, join a spiritual group or volunteer so it will make you  feel a lot better. try to get stronger everyday kasi kailangan ka ng family mo.

regarding sa potential office romance ng partner mo, don't get affected by it. remember if he is happy and content at home he won't look elsewhere, so focus on you and your relationship. ako nga ilang beses ako tinawag ni bf sa name ng assistant niya. deadma lang kunwari hindi ko narinig then one time he called me the assistant's name and he noticed he said sorry. i didn't inquire further then we change the topic. pinapakita ko na secure ako and no other girl is above me. kasi kung ipakita mo na threatened ka sa ibang babae it means feeling mo mas maganda siya or may something na mas angat yung isa kaya ka nagkaka ganun.

[Rory_Lorelie_Gilmore]

^points well made

Prayed for you TS. Sent you a PM also.

[candacena]

be strong sis, Im praying for you. dont worry, kahit feeling mo na wala ka ng kakampi, feeling mo hindi ka na importante, importante ka, tandaan mo yan ha, importante ka. sa mata namin, sa mata ng Diyos. all I can say is we love you. kahit hindi kita kilala. basta pag down ka, kausapin mo lang ang Diyos, gagaan ang feeling mo, promise. ganyan ginagawa ko. some ng sinabi mo napagdaanan ko din pero hindi ko na sasabihin kung ano, tinulungan ako ng pamilya ko pero pinaka naging matatag ako is tinulungan ko ang sarili ko at nag pray ako with all my heart, mind, soul and body.

[plumpolka]

To TS: virtual hugs sis!


di ko na nabasa yung main topic kasi nadelete na pero sa pinagdaanan mo, you're stronger than what you think. isipin mo di mo naisipan magpakamatay na lang para matapos yung paghihirap mo. despite everything, you chose to fight. wag ka mag-alala, hindi natutulog ang diyos. wag na wag mong iisipin na mag isa ka lang dahil hindi ka pinabayaan ni god sa laban mo. ang daming pwedeng gawin ni god para matapos yung paghihirap mo, pero alam nya na kaya mo lahat. im sure God will reward you big time, kapit ka lang sa kanya. 

[glamorosa_09]

I can't imagine what you went through sis... Your life as a child has been difficult to you. Ang dami mong pinasan sa buhay mo. And as we can see, hanggang ngayon pasan-pasan mo pa rin sila.

You repeatedly wrote about looking for your father and yearning for a male figure to protect you when you were a child. You kept on saying, "papa saan ka na?"But then, your male figure, your stepfather, who was supposed to care for you, has been nothing but abusive to you. Still you yearn for your male savior.

Later, you met your current partner, and sabi mo nga lagi kayo magkasama noon, sya yung nasasandalan mo pag may problema. In a way, sya yung naging male protector mo, naging sandalan, at kaagapay mo. You projected to him your lifelong needs, and it seems like, he was/is meeting your needs. Parang finally, you have someone. Kaya ngayon, nakikita ko, kung bakit ganon ka-grabe yung takot mo na mawala yung partner mo. Matatanggalan ka ng sandalan na mula pagkabata inasam mo na. Na your partner's friendship to a female officemate caused you uncontrollable anxiety and fears leading you to seek professional help for the first time, since ngayon mo lang nareceive ang diagnoses. This is a connection that I can see. I'm not saying na wala kang symptoms before, pero it seems like mas kaya mo maging adaptive noon. Maganda na maintindihan din ng partner mo, para sya rin makatulong maibsan yung mga takot mo and what to do in the future.

Maigi rin na you're posting here as one of your copings. And you're receiving words of encouragement... But my suggestion still remains, huwag lang umasa sa meds. You have psychological wounds which needs psychological treatment. Hindi lang para sa relationship mo, pero para sayo na rin at sa anak mo. I know UST has psychotrauma clinic and they provide free psychotherapy. Inspirationals and spirituality will help in your resilience no doubt, but iba pa rin yung something which will address the wounds themselves. This takes a process.

Huwag kang susuko... Kinaya mo yung past experiences mo, kakayanin mo rin yan. Continue helping yourself, just like what you're doing now. God didn't bring you this far just to leave you.

[Maldita_Princess_Bebe]

Im back again. Thank you everyone. Actually nabasa ko na yung mga comments nyo pero hindi agad ako nagreply kase it will consume  so much of my energy kaya nagpapalakas muna ako nagpapastable slowly.

Sis glamorosa_09 nung binasa ko yung comment nagscreenshot ako sinave ko sa iPad ko at paulit ulit kong binasa. Ayan yung nararamdaman ko nasa isip ko na you put them into complete words. Ang galing ng pagkaanalyze. Kuhang kuha mo. Dati kase gulong gulo ang isip ko kakatanong bakit ba? bakit ba ganito ako? Bakit ba hindi ko maintindihan kahit anong intindi ko. Bakit naooverule ako ng emotions ko sa sitwasyon na ito? Ang hirap ipaliwanag.

Sis Rory, plump and candacena., salamat sa oras nyo. Malaking bagay malaking tulong saken mga sinasabi nyo.

[glamorosa_09]

Glad to hear it helped sis...

Hope malampasan niyo ito ng partner. And maging stronger yung relationship niyo as a result.

[krispygreen]

Maldita_Princess_Bebe

Hugs sis.. Sa unang page naisip ko parang ikaw yung husband ko and ako yung husband mo kasi nga lagi din tamang hinala yung husband ko sakin which caused me tremendous amoount of  napain hanggang ngayon dala dala ko pa din. Sobrang sakit na paulit ulit na accussations , tapos hindi ka papaniwalaan  and to add insult to the injury made me feel guilty for the sins na hindi ko naman ginawa. Up to now dala dala ko padin yung sakit. It may be so shallow pero it broke me. Pero nung second page na, what you've gone through pala was so far from what me and my husband is going through. Tama sila sis..strong ka kasi nakakayanan mo yan and makakayanan mo whatever it is that you're going through. Taboo dito sa  atin mag seek ng psychological help pero isipin mo nalang yung kid mo sis.. Alam ba ng partner mo lahat about your past? Important din to make him aware para alam nia where you're coming from and judging by the other responses here, mukang wala naman talaga ginagawang masama yung partner mo behind your back. Try to seek help sis and try to help your self na wag maghinala msyado kasi baka masobrahan and ma burn out sya. Minsan kasi masakit talaga na paulit ulit ka batuhin ng wrong judgement. Yung husband ko I always want the best for him and try to put his needs and happiness first before mine kasi alam ko may shortcomings ako (in terms of sex) and para manlang makabawi pero madalas negative un interpretation nia and masakit talaga yun sis na parang hindi mo na alam san mo ilulugar sarili mo.