i had to let these all out...im so sad. ang t**** ko
i dont have anyone to talk to. nahihiya na ako sa mga tao for more than 10 years same pa din ang story ng buhay ko. ako na ang hindi nakamove on.
i was married very young, 18 yrs old to be exact. hindi nagtagal marriage namin. i was a victim of physical and emotional battery. he went out with too many girls until one day right in front of my eyes, i saw them doing it. i asked him to leave. he did. but he came back after a few days. he wanted to fix us but after days, he would hit me again. i wasnt perfect on the other hand. i was too pampered, too weak, too lousy. i was always going after my parents. i was shielded by my parent's fortune. i even chose to be with my parents than to be with my husband when he was asking me that we leave.
eventually our marriage fell apart. it was short lived. somehow the separation was a big blow to me but it didnt destroyed me, it made me better. i cared for our kids on my own. i had to brave up and work harder. i did not graduate from college but i was a good student. i was able to find a job, support my kids on my own. though we live sa bahay ng parents ko but everything, i mean everything, ako gumagastos when it concern my kids. being a singlemom is not easy. there were so many nights i find myself crying. during school activities i have to always pretend that i am strong though deep inside nalulungkot ako since i cant give my kids a complete family. i remember one time need pala ng father and mother sa isang school activity, i found me walking with my kids all alone, para akong matumba. i dont know but i felt really sad.
for more than 10 years, i never had a boyfriend. i was too busy working and taking care of my kids. i dont regret it. my kids are great students. sometimes people would question how i am able to do everything on my own. they thought nasa abroad daddy nila and im a mom looking after the welfare of my kids. they are honor students, top of their batch.
for my husband, for two years i guess nagsupporta sya pero natigil na lang din. later i found out nagkaanak na sya and he tried to have a family. they acted as family. they were family. until lately naghiwalay sila. and that's the time he tried to contact me. we became friends. when we met again, nabuhay lahat na longing ko to have a family. my kids love him and they enjoy his presence. people are saying that there's a big chance na magkabalikan nga kami. he seem to be sweet kapag kasama namin sya but he i dont know. im not really sure. siguro masyado lang akong naging independent but i feel like he's asking me to do this and this. ayoko ng ganoon.
i feel like he's trying to hide his real self. kapag wala siya dito he seem to be manipulating me. i dont want to give too much details pero lets say madami na akong nagastos for him. he asked me to loan this, only to realize na ako lang magbabayad because hindi sapat cash niya. madami pa. ayoko na magbigay ng too much details at baka mabasa niya ito. hehe basta everything is about money.
lately nagusap kami and magsasama na kami kasi convenient yun. mas makakatipid kami. but if you do the math, lugi ako e. mas mataas income ko but he has more expenses. lately lagi siya walang pera ako naman ito si t**** sobra support sa kanya. then this week lang yung anak ko meron activity sa school, hindi siya nakabigay since wala nga pera though i think ayaw niya lang magbigay since alam nya keri ko naman gastusan. pero i really thought wala siya pera. then ayun nga may nalaman ako, he was able to provide for the needs of the other kid (yung anak niya sa labas). though kasama niya yun sa bahay (iniwan ng nanany ng bata) so obviously siya magbibigay dun pero nagulat lang ako since the last time we talked sabi niya hindi niya mabibigyan yung bata kasi wala nga siya pera. yun pala, nakahanda na ng bonggang bongga! may message pa siya for everyone to see how great of a father he is.
and boom...i realized he was never really into me. he was planning to be with us pero parinig pa siya ng parinig sa mommy ng bata. he just wants us siguro for convenience kasi i have the resources when he barely can make it through a month sa dami ng utang niya. and i felt bad na hindi niya mabigyan o mapost man lang anak namin but he was very proud about the other. i should really move on, i know. but the kids got super attach na. and i dont know how to tell him na ayoko na ng plano at ayoko na din maging sugar mommy niya without us fighting again. im afraid ideadma nya na naman mga anak ko.
