should I confront my wife? need your thoughts

[noctis2017]

I really feel angry and disappointed right now sa wife ko pero di nya alam since sa Laguna sila nag stay kasama si baby at ako naman nag work at stay sa QC pero uwian ng weekends.

Root cause: Accidentally ko nabasa yung facebook message ni wifey and fb guy friend nya na talking and comforting each other regarding sa issue ng wife ko sa mother ko in terms sa pagaalaga kay baby.

Edit: Thanks everyone. We had a heart to heart talk and everything went well

[Girltalker2]

Did you get screenshots of the chats?

Bakit mo inassume na mag aaway agad kayo? Bakit di muna kayo mag usap nang maayos?

Gusto pa ba nya ayusin ang marriage nyo? Or Hindi na sya interesado and gusto nalang nya humanap ng ibang kalandian? Simple lang naman di ba para di masayang oras nyo.

On your side naman, since you're out din on weekdays, you have to exert efforts din to take care of your family. Di mo puede iasa lahat sa mom mo. Iba ang dating sa Wife pag in law ang nag aalaga or Si hubby mismo. Baka kasi Yung dapat Mong obligation na Alagaan sya (when she gave birth) eh ipinaubaya mo sa mom mo.

[mimiku]

Your wife definitely was wrong in confiding her issues with the wrong guy because obviously it should be directed to you. However, benefit of the doubt, baka naman binibigyan mo siya ng reason on why she chooses to talk to another person than you? You might not see it, but sometimes, people choose to confide to other people because they find it hard to directly confront the person involved. I myself have done this. There were times in the past that I would rather talk to my friends because I know that my husband would not listen to me in a way that would facilitate a mutual agreement (especially in issues regarding his family). The way I see it, you are quite adamant on the role your mother plays in your marriage. I experience that myself. Napakabait ng MIL and my husband's family to me but I couldn't find myself liking the idea of living with them. Magkaiba ang pananaw namin when it comes to child rearing. Hindi ako makagalaw ng maayos kapag nasa poder nila ako. Lalo na nung bagong panganak ako. I would prefer to stay with my mom. Hindi ito maintindihan ng asawa ko noong una. But then, he realized that we should be his priority. So the only remedy was to bring us with him. I am now living with him abroad and you know what, I am very happy that we could live on our own.
Hindi ka dapat umiiwas na kausapin ang asawa mo. Huwag pairalin ang bias and listen to her first before you assume. I am not siding with your wife, however, sometimes there is more than what meets the eye. Ayusin niyo and set all your priorities straight.

[glamorosa_09]

Re: confiding to online friend of opposite sex

You probably feel betrayed by your wife. First, she confided to a guy you didn't even know. And what marital advice could he possibly give to your wife? As you said, he has no family of his own yet. Second, why with a man? Bakit di na lang female friend. And third, the issue she was confiding about was none other than your mother. Di ba? Nakakaimbyerna...

What she did is inappropriate. Konti na lang, emotional infidelity na yan... dun na sila pupunta.

But then, did she try to open up with you about her concerns with your mother? Seems like she did based from your post. And what you said was just to agree with your mother. Did she feel heard? Did you acknowledge her feelings? If not, then probably you contributed somehow in her turning towards another man. Although she could have sought other women's advices and sympathy instead.

I guess, pareho kayong naliligaw.

Hope you and your wife fix this asap, hangga't di pa sila nagkikita, hangga't di pa malalim pagkakaibigan nila.

Re: mother-in-law

The issue about her mother-in-law is not unique to her. You may not understand this as a man, but it's an issue with most women. You said they live in a separate house, nevertheless, it's still near enough for your mother to have an active role in your wife's parenting. Your mother seems like a good woman and she means well. Kaya lang, ganun talaga eh, most wives wanted to be the only authoritative queens in their own families. Pagbigyan mo na. Besides, your first priority now should be your wife and not your mother. Sya yung mas una mong pasisiyahin dahil asawa mo na sya. Although syempre, you still love your mother.

Re:.marriage

Since magkalayo, siguro it's time na rin to assess your marriage. Like what I mentioned sa kabilang thread, how's the friendship? The communication? The intimacy? Perhaps mahina na rin kayo dyan?

Re: do you need to confront her?

Yes, you need to dialogue with her about what you discovered, but after some self-reflection. Dialogue ha, hindi mang-aakusa, hindi manghuhusga.

Akuin mo rin yung naging contribution mo sa problema. And then plan on how to deal with mother-in-law issue. Lilipat ba kayo? Kakausapin mo ba mother mo to adjust? Kung baga sa basketball, mas maganda bench player ang role ng mother mo, papasok lang kung kelan tatawagin. Baka kasi ang nagiging role nya ay coach o kaya player na rin sa court, which is hindi preferrable. At nagiging causw ng concern ng wife mo.

[simang]

May point ka magalit, kasi never ever dapat mag open ng marital/family problem sa ibang tao, and I'm assuming hindi nya ito super close friend kasi hindi mo kilala. But ask yourself din, have you tried listening to her sentiments? Mukhang alam mo naman ang issues nya about sa mom mo pero ang gusto mo is for her to just suck it up.

Isipin mo na lang, if ikaw ang nasa situation ng wife mo, living with your inlaws, and your inlaws, although they mean well, ay palaging may sasabihin about everything you do (kahit na they mean well). How would you feel? Ganyan kasi ang sinabi ko sa husband ko when I was in the same situation. Although ours was temporary, nagbakasyon lang kami sa province for a month, while nasa Manila si husband working. Yung MIL ko slept in our room with us gusto daw kasi katabi si baby. I told my husband I wasn't comfortable, and asked him how would he feel kung natulog sya sa same bed with my mom. So si husband na ang kumausap kay MIL na if pwede sa gabi ay kaming dalawa lang muna ni baby sa room.

Based sa story mo, I will agree with your wife, na sa situation nyo eh parang ikaw yung pinaka comfortable. Parang pinaalagaan mo na lang sila sa mom mo when instead ikaw dapat ang gumagawa noon. I'm sure your wife appreciates the help of your mom, pero ganun talaga. Most women especially pag first time parent, they want to discover themselves, kung paano sila as mom, as wife. Yung mom mo, she already had her time parenting you. Give your wife a chance to parent your child the way she wants. At ikaw, kelangan madiscover mo rin ang sarili mong parenting style, hindi yung kung ano lang ang sasabihin ng mom mo eh yun na. Yung alam ng parents natin dati, pwedeng obsolete na yun. Kaya kelangan madiscover nyo mag asawa how you want to parent your child.

Also, ang unfair nung thinking na hindi ka na muna uuwi kasi feeling mo mag aaway lang kayo. While your wife is bothered by these issues, you're choosing to delay the communication. So pinapatunayan mo lang na talagang mas convenient sayo ang setup nyo, kasi may choice ka na wag umuwi. Eh sya wala syang choice but to deal with your mom everyday.

[kvandenhaak]

Borderline emotional infidelity. Cut the root before it damage the foundation. The tricky part is how.

[stylus]

Upon reading your post i felt medyo guilty kasi i used to share MIL issues din with my friends pero not to get comfort lang but to know better ways to share my sentiments with my husband. Kung this is a no-no pala, hindi ko na uulitin!!! ✌

MIL stayed with us for 2 months para mag alaga kay baby dahil wala kami yaya. She used to get the baby in our room every morning kahit medyo antok pa si baby. Then would take her at the park kahit di pako nakakaalis ng bahay. So di man lang ako nakaka goodbye kiss kay baby. Pag uwi ko sa hapon, dadating ako na tulog si baby. Pag nagising, kukunin nya kagad. Pag dinner, she would say "akin na si baby, mauna na kayo busog pa ako" then papatulugin na. So i felt na nawala ako sa picture as the mom to my baby when she came.

I talked to my husband and explained na di naman siguro ako paranoid. At sana rin hindi nananadya si MIL. Pero sana pag nasa house ako, sakin lang si baby para magawa ko naman yung mommy duties ko. And he talked to his mom nicely right away. Before her 2 month stay ended, naging mas comfy nako sa kanya. Na kaya ko na mismo sabihin directly kay MIL kung ano mga gusto at ayaw kong gawin nya for and to my baby.

I read somewhere here that the key to feel more comfortable with your in laws daw is to love them unconditionally like how you love your own parents. I tried and i think it works kahit konti.

Siguro kaya ganyan ang reaction mo dahil nga nadiscover mo na sa guy friend nagsasabi ng MIL problems yung wife mo. Ask her to explain kung sino yun at bakit dun at kung [textspeak!] ano pa mga sama ng loob ang sinabi nya dun na dapat sayo nya sinasabi as her husband. Talk to her and try to resolve family conflicts kung anong set up ang sa tingin nya makakabuti para sa inyo. And sana wag ka rin maging bias and prioritize your own family. Tapos na maging mommy yung mom mo sa inyo so let your wife be the mom to your baby.

[Shadow Angel]

For me lang minsan mas comfortable ako magsabi sa not close friends kesa sa mismong close friends. Though di ako nagsha share about my issues with my husband. Main reasons is ayaw ko majudge or pangit ang tingin ng close friends ko sa taong involve lalo na family. Ang di lang maganda sa wife mo bakit nga ba sa guy? Nagsha share ako sa guy nun single pa ako pero now I am married no way na. Regarding MIL/wife relationship hindi mo maiintindihan dahil una mother mo involve. 2nd ang rift with inlaws madalas MIL at Wife yan. Di pwede 2  ang Queen sa palasyo. Lalo na in terms about baby. Kahit new mom may mother instinct kami at un ang gusto namin masunod. We will ask help kapag talaga hindi namin kaya. Your mom mean no harm but still kahit mabuti intention nya di un basta matatanggap or maiisip ng wife mo. Besides kaya nakakapag open sa iba wife mo iba rin set up nyo. Weekly lang kayo nagkakasama. Better pag usapan ng maayos bakit away agad.

[cosmochick]

Why is there a need for your mother to check on her everyday? And why is she  cooking meals everyday for your wife? Your wife can't cook?

From what I read, it seems like you are siding with your mother and not understanding where your wife is coming from? Like for you, your mother isn't doing anything wrong so your wife should just suck it up whatever resentments she has coz for you, her resentments are invalid. Do not, I repeat, Do not ever make her feel that way.

You know what, even if the in laws mean well, most wives ,if not all, don't like to be around with meddling in laws. Kahit ano pa yang definition mo ng meddling basta nag meddle with the wife's affairs, nakakainis yan. One queen, one house. Unless the wife seeks advise or help, if not, pls ask your mother to hold her tongue.

I agree that it's wrong for her to talk to an opposite sex regarding your marital problem but maybe she feels you don't understand her and you make her feel alone kaya ayun naghanap ng kakampi or someone who understands her sentiments na dapat ikaw yun.

Talk to her but never accuse or blame her. Make her feel that you are her husband and her kakampi at all times. Of course, it's a different call kung mali talaga si wifey pero in your case, parang hindi naman mali si wifey not to like your mother being around especially on unwanted times, Normal yun. It doesn't even follow na walang utang na loob si wife sa mother mo. Take it as it is. Ayaw lang nya. Period. Don't look for reasons. Kahit mother mo pa yang ayaw nya.. kampihan mo ang wife mo. Remember, ASAWA, ANAK, Magulang. In that order. Asawa talaga una if you want your marriage to work or else, maghahanap talaga ng iba yan.

[MayVerona]

kausapin mo muna wag mo idaan sa away malay mo pinsa nya yun kalmahan mo lang muna