D and I separated almost 14 years ago. I was in college, and he was just starting with little paying jobs. I got pregnant, we got married and had a kid. It was a toxic relationship. We were in love, but that didn't help us face life's reality. It was hard -- me being a student, him with no stable job and our families both supporting us only because of our baby. I had always told him that I didn't mind if we were poor as long as we were happy with our kid and with whatever we've got. But the pressure from our families took the best of him. We ended up fighting all the time, to the point that I felt we were losing respect for each other. I started to question if there was love at all. I don't know if I was just too young and not ready for my life to turn 360 degrees, but I broke up with him. I needed to breathe. And so did he. It was a painful breakup and full of drama. He didn't want to let me go, but I stood my ground. I thought it was for the best.
I moved back to my parents' house with our baby, who was barely a year old then. His family was free to visit the baby, anyway. But D didn't take everything lightly. He would come to our house and make a scene, shouting, pleading that I go back to him. I became restless. I failed several subjects and really had a hard time focusing on my studies. But I thought I had to get by for me and baby, for our future's sake.
One unfortunate day, my mom got into an accident. And so we had to give baby back to D's parents because I couldn't take care of him on my own. We couldn't afford to get a nanny, not to mention bills were piling up, I was always at school and mom was unable to move. However, I found ways to see our baby without D seeing me. Everybody decided that it would be best for us not to talk and see each other. I moved to Manila and built myself again. Baby grew up with his lolo and lola on D's side, while I sneaked in when D started to work abroad.
Years passed. I heard he's got a new family. They also have their own house, far from his parents. He was still working abroad and only came home every year or 2. I heard he would still ask about me. I, on the other hand, had my own share of career success, been living on my own, sending funds for my kid's needs and spending time with him during my off days. It breaks my heart thinking I wasn't able to give him a family.
A few months ago, my boy told me his dad was coming home from abroad and they were planning to watch PBA together as his promise to him. He asked D if they could take me with them, and he said fine with him, just ask me if I was willing. I thought maybe this time it would be okay to see and talk to him again. It's been more than a decade anyway. Maybe the pain has subsided. And I knew how big of a deal it was for our kid since that would be the first time that he'd spend time with both of us, like a complete family. So I agreed.
The PBA date came. I was with my boy and off we went to meet D. I was anxious and nervous and excited at the same time. And there he was sitting at a store waiting for us. And to my surprise, our first reaction was to hug each other. So tight. Those were very familiar arms.
We spent the day happily, watched the game, had dinner, went shopping, walked around and talked without mentioning about the past and watched our 14-year-old man enjoying the moment. Sometimes we would hold hands, like how we did when we were young and in love. We stayed at my apartment and slept together in a bed, the 3 of us. For the first time, I felt complete.
Then reality bit me so hard. He has a new family now. He's been living with someone for 7 years now and has a 7-year-old kid. Yes, they are not married, but they are his family now. And no matter how I look at it, the family that we have is a broken one. The three of us live in different places. We only steal moments to be together.
He said he never stopped loving me, and his wife knew about it. He wished it was still me and him; that the 3 of us live under the same roof as a real family; that we wouldn't need to steal our family moments. He said he didn't know why it took us many years to mature and realize that we could have done it together had we stayed. But I said maybe we needed to grow apart. Maybe it would be a disaster if we stayed together. Maybe our kid would have grown a less happy kid. But I couldn't tell him that I've been wishing the same things he's wishing for. I couldn't let him know because it would be conflicting for him. I didn't want him to have a hard time. I am just thankful that our kid has a big heart and a mind that understands. But it still breaks me knowing this is all that we've got.
