First born issues with my husband

[momgineer]

So here it goes.. I have a daughter from my previous relationship (she's turning 18 this year). Her dad and I were never married but we lived together for a short time until I decided to end our relationship and naiwan sa kanya yung daughter namin because I had to work abroad (I was a flight attendant back then). But I a constant communication naman with her.

It was 2010 when I met and married my husband, we decided to stay overseas for good na din (he was born and raised here but a Filipino), from the very start he was aware of my previous relationship and daughter. During our first year, nasabi ko na sa kanya about sa pagkuha ng custody ng daughter ko kasama namin dito but hindi pa daw yun right time because we were just starting as a couple, so nag-agree naman ako. Until we started our family. We have 3 kids now and I'm currently pregnant. Slowly nawawala na yung communication ko with my daughter and to be honest, somehow naiba na yung priorities ko and forgot about my daughter, at first I constantly send her money and other material things but madalas hindi ko na nagagawa yun because I had to quit my job cause of my growing family.

Just late last year, the father of my daughter died. I talked to my hubby about the posibilities na makuha ko na yung daughter ko dito but he said he doesn't want her to be with us. Every time napapag-usapan namin, he gets really mad and recently lang, he's making me choose kung uuwi ako sa Pinas to be with my daughter or I'll stay here with them.

I admit, I was never a good mom to my daughter, ako na yata pinaka-masamang nanay sa mundo. She doesn't deserve me, she's just so kind and understanding. I can feel her love for me (and her siblings) kahit hindi sya lumaki with me. Gusto ko na makabawi sa kanya but my husband won't let me. I don't know what to do. Any thoughts, ladies?

[TysLolakins]

not sure why you're even asking us strangers what to do, of course you have to send for her.  look, she's alone now in the world, you already abandoned her once, she recently lost the only parent present she had.  yes, you know in your heart it's cruel and heartless if you  abandon her again. and we're not talking about some stranger here, she's your own flesh and blood, she deserves better.
regarding your current husband, I don't know his reasons for not wanting your daughter to live with you, but to me, that says a lot about the type of person he is, which is not good. you'll just have to tell him, you're not asking for permission, that you are getting your child and she's living with you.  in a few years, your daughter will be of age to be on her own, use the time to make up for the lost time. it will be tricky as you have her and your new family to deal with.
I hope you do the right thing by her.  Good luck.

[mysterioza_me]

Wow the husband is terribly terribly selfish. I know I should just shut my mouth since wala akong masabi na maganda but I can't help it. You sacrificed your job to take care of your husband and kids, can't hubby be open-minded and let you take care of your other daughter naman. Mag-18 na pala yun konti nalang panahon she can stand on her own naman na. Gaano na lang yung ilang years na yun hindi pa mapabigyan ni hubby. Pero did you get hubby's point ba kung bakit ayaw niya? Is it about the additional expenses in case your daughter will move with you? Syempre you will be responsible for her education na and hindi din naman biro ang gastos sa education abroad plus you have kids pa na sinu-support. If husband is the only breadwinner medyo mabigat nga na pasanin yun sa kanya.

[airish_2]

Maybe it's about sa gastusin Bakit ayaw nya sa daughter mo? pero ikaw lang makakasagot nyan mas kilala mo kasi husband mo. Alam mo pwede mangyari once kasama nyo na yung daughter mo. And yung daughter mo ba gusto din sumama sa'yo?

[ninabhel]

Hi, I can't help but comment. yung situation ng anak mo, eh somewhat naging ganyan yung situation ko kaya nakaka relate ako sa daughter mo. Super sakit sa pakiramdam na parang inabandona ka ng sarili mong magulang. please please please... "Defend" her from your husband. Responsibilidad mo yung anak mo. If ever na hindi man nag cocomment yung anak mo, pero deep inside, super hirap and super sakit ng ganyan situation. When your husband married you, package kayo ng anak mo. Dapat ipaintindi mo yun sakanya.

[mysterioza_me]

^Sad to say sis may guys na hindi talaga maiintindihan na package deal ang ganung situation and ang mas nakaka-sad ina-allow lang ng mother yun. Dito sa Pinas maraming single moms na hindi kasama ng new family nila ang mga anak nila because their husbands won't allow them 😞.

[kittypaw]

na-sad naman ako , alam mo yung laging sinasabi na mahirap mawalan ng dad habang lumalaki pero 10 folds yung hirap pag yung mom ang wala    . Please fight for her this is your chance and i-plan mo ng mabuti kung anong magiging set-up niyo when she's finally there sa house mo with your husband.

[ninabhel]

And another thing, if ever you decided na kunin yung anak mo. Wag mo payagan na pag damutan siya, lalo na hindi payag yung husband mo na kunin mo daughter mo and live with you. Naranasan ko kung panu pag damutan ng step dad ko and walang comment and mom ko about that. In short, never akong dinefend ng sarili kong mother. Good thing, my half siblings are good to me. They never treated me as half sibling. Please teach your other kids din to threat your daughter na "Full" ate nila. Kasi darating yung time na yung ibang anak mo ang magiging kakampi ng daughter mo. sana wag mo masamain sinabi ko. Im talking base on my experience.

[aquacharly]

Ok, let's see the reality bites of your current life: 

1.  Your husband is very clear and very firm that he does not want a blended family. 
He may not be heartless, but may actually think you have more than enough to handle given you have 3 kids and another child coming soon.  Kahit na dito na sangkaterbang maids meron if the price is right ika nga,  it is still challenging raising kids. 

2.  You are unemployed, and did not mention having an independent source of income/funds.
He may not be heartless, but may really not be in a position to financially  provide for another family member.  Mas masakit if your daughter joins you and her needs are neglected. 

I assume that even if her father died, she has some family structure of some sort.
If she has no support system,  well -- the issue is not whether you have been a good or bad mother in the past and to-date -- but, what can you do ba talaga to give her her basic needs?
Pray that she has strength of character to face whatever problems, obstacles and moments of hopelessness will come her way.   

Now, is that the end of it? No.  Research how you can get her to move to that country.  What skills, job experience and educational attainment must she possess to have a very good chance of getting employed there.    Now, plan it in such a way that she will not need to join your family when she moves there.  Plan for independence from the start of her migration.  Best not to rock your marriage.

 

[snowberry]

I am sure at 18 y/o eh hindi pa tapos mag college ang anak mo. So, why not let her finish college in the Philippines first and then saka mo na kunin once she graduated na. At least , she can find her own work na mas maayos . I think your husband is really thinking of finances kaya ayaw nya. The sad thing is hindi ka rin makapagtrabaho because of your kids. Unfair naman sa anak mo na dalaga kung kukunin mo nga siya , pero she will be like a yaya to her siblings (sorry to say this, kasi kung hindi siya kayang pag aralin ni husband jan , it's either she finds a menial job or tumulong na lang sa household chores and pag aasikaso sa siblings nya ) . But of course I don't know what your plans are kapag nandiyan na daughter  mo.

[lovemeagain30]

Nung nabasa ko yung statement mo na "During our first year, nasabi ko na sa kanya about sa pagkuha ng custody ng daughter ko kasama namin dito but hindi pa daw yun right time because we were just starting as a couple, so nag-agree naman ako.,",, ayayay alam ko na kasunod nito! kahit hindi pako umaabot bandang gitna, gets ko na ang ending!  pupusta ako-- na nuong first time narinig mo  yung sinabi yun ni hubby, alam mo na sa sarili mo na ayaw niya sa eldest mo. pero you chose to be quiet and agreed on him. tama ba or mali?  i dont buy the reason na nagsisimula palang kasi kayo nuon..pfff! ayaw niya lang talaga sa idea may anak ka na kailangan niyang pakisamahan. yun talaga ang totoo. kasi bilang nanay ramdam mo yan agad mas mabilis pa sa kidlat!  "single mom" din kasi ako nuon so i know. naka encounter nako ng ganyang lalaki. paandaran ka ng kung ano ano mabuti nalang di ko naging asawa.

didirechuhin kita sis (masakit tong sasabihin ko) pero sa totoo lang kasalanan mo yan. sa umpisa palang kasi dapat pinandigan mo na anak mo sa hubby mo bago pa kayo nagpakasal. hindi yun ang dating eh nakikiusap ka. hindi mo napakita sa hubby mo na nuon palang priority mo na anak mo. kaya nga may 'say' siyang humindi instead isipin na wala siyang choice since mahal ka niya at anak mo ay part of the package. ang dating kasi ngayon parang third party person ang daughter na dagdag lang sa pakainin o gastusin.

kung ako ang nasa posisyon mo, aayusin ko ang problema na yan since andiyan na yan. wag mo ng palalalain by neglecting your eldest daughter. she came first before your husband. wala na nga yung tatay pati ikaw wala narin. sayo dapat kasi manggagaling yung will to stand on your daughter's welfare. hindi dapat kasi ang dating eh "nagpapa alam" ka sa asawa mo kung pede mong makasama ang anak mo. helloo?? dapat nga di na yan tinatanong.

sa mga katulad mong nanay (single moms nuon) na magulo ang priorities at nagbuhay single ang kinaiinisan ko,, kurutin  kita sa singit eh!    (biro lang) seriously, fix it. talk to your husband, and get your eldest child. she's also a priority just like your other children. be the person to stand for her. do it now or regret it later.

pahabol ko yung panakot niya "sige umuwi ka sa pinas para makasama mo anak mo" -- aysus those are just words kasi lam niya hawak ka sa leeg. if you ask me --- he an a$$h0l3! kung kapatid mo ko, tatanungin kita on why did you marry him? i will even knock your head and ask you kung ginamit mo ba utak mo? sorry for being blunt but i just have to say it.

[kvandenhaak]

^Bitter truth is better than a sweet lie. Complicated na issue talaga yan. If the daughter is asking for help, wala ng isip isip pa. Go the rescue! She is your daughter!

As a single mom myself, eto yung isang dapat sigurado. Na dapat tanggap ni future hubby na meron akong anak and he will become a second dad to my son. And I won't mind if he has his kids of his own din naman. Actually, mas prefer ko ang may kids so he knows what a parent feels.