Burned out wife

[mrs.jack sparrow]

Thanks my dear. We have four children and they are the best. They are the ones keeping this family whole. And my side of the family too.I live close to my parents and siblings and they know how it is so they are the ones trying to calm me when im really losing it.
Mahirap talaga mag asawa. Will make sure each of my child choose the best one before they marry. If someone doesnt wanna get married i will respect that as well and give support. Mahirap matali.

[lalee888]

Big hugs Mrs. Jack sparrow.... I'm sorry this is happening to you.  I'm sure you have your reasons but leaving is also an option if you are ready..

To be honest your husband sounds like he might have NPD - narcissistic personality disorder which is so hard to deal with and treat because most patients seem normal and it's only the closest and dearest (like you) who actually see the reality.

There are a lot of resources online for how to deal and live with someone with NPD since a lot of times people are stuck with them. Try to google sis. Meron ding support groups for that so you can cope and know how to channel your feelings and not let him affect you.   

Be careful din sa kids mo. I know you are burdened by your husband's ugali and as a result protective of your children na they marry right. However that can also lead to an unintended effect of them having unrealistic expectations and dysfunctional relationships. Usually children suffer the consequences of their parents, particularly filling the gap where there is missing sa parents.

Although it happens usually, it isn't always the case. Just acknowledge that I can happen so you can be mindful and give your kids a chance to normal realistic relationships.

Breathe in and out sis. Find din some ways to cope on your own kasi parang trapped ka if you don't have your own space to breathe.

Big big hugs.

[mrs.jack sparrow]

Thanks sissy. That sounds about right. Narcissistic=loves oneself too much or somewhere thereabouts. Parang ganyan nga. Will read more on that.

[freshpicks]

Thanks my dear. We have four children and they are the best. They are the ones keeping this family whole. And my side of the family too.I live close to my parents and siblings and they know how it is so they are the ones trying to calm me when im really losing it.
Mahirap talaga mag asawa. Will make sure each of my child choose the best one before they marry. If someone doesnt wanna get married i will respect that as well and give support. Mahirap matali.

Sorry to hear about your story  But it's really good to know that your kids keep the family intact, and that you have extended family to support you. Support is really very important in difficult times. It might help if you go to a counselor or a coach to also help you through this. Counseling helps you heal pains and tackles the past, while coaching helps you to move forward. So it really depends. Sometimes kasi, kelangan din natin ng makakausap na hindi bias, walang judgments and who can see something we don't see for ourselves.

If you're open to it, attending The Feast has also helped me through my difficult times in life.

[lalee888]

What is The Feast, sis freshpicks? (Sorry I'm US based if that matters).

On the topic.. the thread made me feel a bit scared... we have no kids yet but i keep hearing over and over again everywhere women feel the most burnt out after having kids, a difficult husband, or a combination of both. Problems seem to be rooted with time/effort and money/control. ACCK!

[kvandenhaak]

^Hindi naman especially kung sanay kang walang maid. Kasi ako nga nag-iisa lang but I manage. Sa Pilipinas kasi sa traffic pa lang pamatay na. Gabi ka na makakarating tapos magluluto ka pa. In the US and Canada, a lot of appliances are automatic at hindi masyadong dumudumi ang bahay. Pwede kang umorder ng grocery online and just pick it up at specific time. You can order restaurant food online. It's easier to live alone in the US and Canada kesa sa atin. You will be fine.

[lalee888]

^thank you sis, that helped put things into perspective and helped quell my anxiety also. siguro wag na lang ako magbasa ng mga parenting topics nas-stress ako ng wala sa oras. I was reading about getting kids to their top choice schools in my city and parang ang complicated... and that if we want a good public school, we need to live in that zip code. Iiwasan ko muna mga ganung topics. haha

[kvandenhaak]

^There will be a little adjustments in the beginning but after a couple of months, kering keri mo na yan! Mga sisters in law ko nga, anim pa mga anak but they manage fine. Just get a planner and plan your week ahead including meals and chores. Just don't sweat the small stuff. Yung school, saka mo na problemahin pag next year mag-i-school na ang bata. Don't rob yourself of today worrying about tomorrow. Deal with it, pag andyan na.

[lalee888]

Don't rob yourself of today worrying about tomorrow. Deal with it, pag andyan na.

Thank you sis. Btw, gandang saying yan. Dapat nasa life quotes yan, or may thread dapat for life hacks (how to life the modern way diba?)

[kvandenhaak]

^Oh thanks! It's the same as Matthew 6:34. Ako kasi may anxiety disorder and I tend to worry about stuff I should not be worrying about. And I am learning everyday to let go of whatever I can not deal with right now. But of course, planning ahead is not bad at all. I plan some things months in advance. But only those I can foresee in a calendar year. The rest, saka na pag andyan.

[Shadow Angel]

@lalee888 don't be scared to have a child, when you are decided to have one already be sure you are mentally, emotionally, physically and financially ready. It may sound too scary but when you're already on that situation you will surely be able to adjust and adapt to your situations.
Its a bit too hard for me because I had post patrum. I agree it is much easier to do the house chores in USA/Canada although in PH you can get a house help. I came here in Canada without full knowledge about house chores and everything but I know how to cook which my husband really appreciate. Make sure lang to have me time it helps me a lot recharge.

[lalee888]

^Thank you both sisses. I suffer from mild anxiety in that I worry about things I need to do even when the task has not presented itself.

We plan to start trying to conceive next year pa naman but we always talk about life changes. We live in NYC which is a very busy, fast-paced, unique environment. Real estate is at a premium and to have a kid we need a bigger place so napapagusapan na namin ni hubby ang possibilities.... major changes which are very normal for the way my city is, i've accepted it but i don't think i necessarily want it.. still convincing hubby to move to another state or country where we can have better environmental balance.

If we stay here, parang mahirap magkaron ng me time sa dami ng chores, sa dami ng errands, tasks, juggling work and baby/home.. parang something's got to give. Idadaan ko na muna sa prayers mga sis, prayer for calm and peace and to weather it out once we are there.

But im really glad to hear kayo nagawa nyo and super kaya, so i can be optimistic about it

[TysLolakins]

^you'll be fine, we've all done it (here in the states without helpers), in my case i did it twice, the kids are adults now and they turned out ok, i think,  hahahahaha.  and i don't remember ever feeling burnt out when the kids were growing up,  time management is key and husband and wife should work together as a team in everything like a well-oiled machine.  discipline starts first with the parents so show by example,  so no dilly dallying.   
again,  you'll be fine,  the fact that you're already worrying about it shows that you are more prepared than you think.   

[lalee888]

^thank you sis lolakins words of wisdom -- if you can do it so can I (well, we). Although I still hope we get to move even if it means we need to drive (whereas we mostly walk or commute here in NYC and only drive in weekends).

[Girltalker2]

Sa Pilipinas kasi sa traffic pa lang pamatay na. Gabi ka na makakarating tapos magluluto ka pa. In the US and Canada, a lot of appliances are automatic at hindi masyadong dumudumi ang bahay. Pwede kang umorder ng grocery online and just pick it up at specific time. You can order restaurant food online. It's easier to live alone in the US and Canada kesa sa atin. You will be fine.

So true. Tsaka sa Manila kahit May helper ka, kelangan mo parin imanage And admittedly some of my friends stressed parin kahit 2-3 helpers na sa house. And yung culture kasi satin babae lahat gumagawa anything about house and kids plus may work pa. But this is slowly changing sana eventually magchange fully itong mindset na ito. As a result kasi ng culture na iyan, most men at work Lang ang responsibility and when they help in the chores kesyo under.

Sa US, Hindi p puedeng di tutulong Si hubby, especially without household help. Feeling ko Mas liveable sa US or developed countries where kids are trained to be independent early on (in terms of commuting, helping around the house que babae man or lalaki).

[happysoull18]

I forgot na where I watched Or read this.  My husband is hands on naman. But I agree that here in the Phils, wives are expected to take care of the Home/kids even if she is working.  While with husband, thankful tayo if they help around the house or with the kids.  so theres pressure for wives to manage and juggle a lot OF things then we get tired/burned out.

[airish_2]

I think nababago na rin naman may mga husband na rin na tumutulong sa gawain bahay, kaya natuwa ako sa commercial ng Ariel yung lalake naglalaba kasi sa totoong buhay ganoon naman talaga alangan puro babae much better divided yung gawain.

Nakakaloka kaya kung ikaw lahat, pero grabe yung may helper ka na tapos stress pa rin? Hindi ba sayang sa bayad yun? Not unless hindi well divided yung trabaho na binigay mo sa helper.

[nicoletta]

In fairness, things are getting better in the phils. We have honestbee, for grocery and food delivery, and uso narin for husbands to Help around the house. I Dont know Any husband na sitting pretty especially when the kids are involved.

Usually lang, its hard to Find good Help. Pasalamat ka if they stay ng 6 months sayo. If malinis ka sa house, may chance your maid Will leave you lalo na kung sanay sa longer pahinga with former amo. This is where stress comes in, and ang dami pang factors. So wag na lang talaga dadagdag ang husband sa mix

[kaythrielle]

Another thing din mga sis, if your child/anak/kids are old enough to help, give them responsibilities too.

Even young children can help around the house naman if given the chance. If you start them young, your life will be easier when they are older kasi sanay na sila sa gawaing bahay.