To enroll or not to enroll my daughter?

[victim]

Hi everyone. This is long sorry.

My daughter is in 3rd college this coming semester at Miriam College.  Last semester, we tried to apply for scholarship in her school. As her mother, I helped her to complete all the documentary requirements.  Her duty was to accomplish the forms and submit the requirements as scheduled.  That time also, I gave her a sideline job (my daughter is good in art) like backdrop and video editing.  Instead of getting another supplier, I got her services instead. I informed her about this project 2 months before so she could at least manage her time.  We bought the materials 5 weeks before the target date.  But she started making the project 7 days before.  I paid her in full 3 weeks before.

I understand that she was busy in school. I get that. But there were times I see her watching youtube and Kpop videos up to 2am. 

Going back to the project, for her to be able to submit to me on time, I got the help of someone to assist her, which I also paid.  In short, the submission of the documentary for the scholarship application was bumped off because she was too busy that time.

I was so disappointed I cried and talked to her and told her that we lost a good opportunity.  That she need to manage and balance her time, set priorities etc.  By the way, my daughter is good in school and her grades are above 87. In the house, since we do not have a house helper lately, she is assigned to cook rice (we have a rice cooker), feed the dogs at night, fold our clothes every weekend and clean the CR every Sunday. My daughter is not a "lakwatsera".

This coming semester we attempted again to apply for scholarship.  Since we failed the last time, I told her to see to it that we are going to make it this time, by completing all the requirements and monitor the schedule of application etc.  To save time and effort since it is already semestral break in Miriam, I asked my other daughter (her ate) to file for TOR, one of the requirements.  The release of the TOR was today so I went to Miriam today before I went to the office. I was so disappointed to learn that the release of the application for scholarship has already lapsed (June 9).

For the second time, I got disappointed again.  I talked to her over the phone and asked her why this happened again. Was it my fault? I am separated, our house is mortgaged, no support from the father for 2 years (previous years the support was inconsistent), and I'm a mother of 3. My other daughter is also in college and my son is in high school.

I told my daughter that there is an imbalance with the way she manage her time.  You see, she cleans the CR for 3 hours, she folds the clothes for 5 hours. That's how she is. She spends most of her time watching youtube. And out of anger, although I did not scold nor shout, I told her that I want to give her time and I will not enroll her this coming semester. I want her to learn.

I need your advice. Thank you.

[j.adore]

Yes, the time off will make her realize what she wants and need in life.

There were 2 persons in our families who underwent this situation and they strived harder after that ang point ng parents is indeed for them to learn the value of the opportunity that they are wasting and what impact it will have in their future.

Hindi naman na kasi bata yan so giving her responsibilities, especially those concerning her own life, is just right.
Also, business is business. Work is work. Payment only comes after output. Nawala yung motivation kasi nakuha na niya yung "what's in it" for her.

In raising children, kailangan talaga love with responsibility. I know you feel like a bad mother for thinking this pero based on what you've done for her, it's otherwise.
You and your daughter both have lessons to learn here and of course, it's not easy. Life is never easy.

This may be a conflict for now but if both of you will choose to grow, your relationship will even be better. Those 2 persons I said earlier are now responsible and really shows their love to their parents.

[iwannabeasupermodel]

oh idk, especially nowadays sa mga kabataan, you make them stop for a semester, baka tamarin na and never go back especially if they got a job like in bpo companies. that had become a pattern sa mga highschool friends ko.

for me lang ha, i think not enrolling her for a semester is a bit harsh of a punishment. andiyan din yung mag-aarise na social problems like her peers asking this and that blah blah. if i'll be in her shoes, i think magtatanim ako ng galit sa nanay ko.

[glamorosa_09]

Just basing on my standard, it seems to me that you have a high expectation from your daughter. But given your situation - you're a mother of 3, separated,  and the sole breadwinner of the family - I think your expectation, and even your disappointment, is understandable.

So what I'm getting is that, you want your daughter to help you ease the financial burden by way of scholarship, which she failed to get. And that's because  she doesn't manage her time wisely.

Now for the second time, your daughter didn't make the scholarship. So you're thinking to discipline her, to make her learn time management, by not enrolling her this semester. But do you have the financial capability to send her to school? Because if you don't have the capacity, then it can't be helped, obviously. However, if you have, I think the weight of punishment is not in proportion to her failures. If she did drugs or is being consistently irresponsible with school, then this punishment is okay, I guess.

I think she's just being a typical teenager whenever she indulges with youtube and kpop, but I know that this needs to be moderated and she should learn self-control and limit herself. But if this your goal for her, I think there are other more effective ways to teach her time management other than not enrolling her this sem.

You mentioned her strengths like art, helping with chores, have above average grades. But did you ever verbally appreciated her for those things? Or you only make a fuss with her shortcomings with those strengths gone unnoticed?

I find the children nakakaawa when they're only being noticed when they have done something wrong and not when they've done something right.

To enroll or not to enroll, it's still up to you. Every parent is different. But for me, the punishment is not in proportion to her lack of management skills and self-control. But that's just me.

[Tea97]

Why not fund her tuition fee, and then she has to take on a part time job to fund her school expenses (ie no allowance). So she knows you're serious about being organized, without causing her to shy away from everyone else (ie matatanong kasi sya bakit di pumasok ng 1 sem).

Hope you make the right decision for your daughter.

[Girltalker2]

When she neglected to fill out the application form, or procrastinated until last minute for the project despite getting paid in advance... Nagkaron ba sya ng punishment?

What was her reaction? Ok ok lang or sobrang sorry?

Kasi feeling ko these little things are the ones that formed her attitude na pa easy easy lang, if she doesn't make it to the deadline, ok lang.

Kasi if I'm in your shoes, I would have confiscated her smart phone and instead gave her a normal phone pang text lang. Or kung laging puyat (like my daughter), I disconnect internet by 10pm. Sabi nya wala naman Impact sa kanya as she has good grades, well, for me, her grades are not good enough because I believe they could have been better if di sya laging puyat or antok sa school. Kaso instilling these punishments are hard as it requires some discipline on our part. Like me super busy sa work, if I'm not home by 10, who will enforce it. So need ng cooperation nila To implement it or leave handphones in the living room before sleeping at 10.

On postponing her education, ano naman kasi gagawin niya while nakatengga sa house - household chores at YouTube? Baka mawili (at may allowance din naman from you) so ok lang din.

I think punishments should be relative. If you punish her na ok lang at walang Impact sa kanya (kahit akala Mo malaki Impact sayo), walang bearing. Pero if the punishment is like confiscating her smartphone or banning YouTube in the house, Baka Mas may impact sa kanya kesa yung Hindi Pag enroll. Tsaka by talking to them and making them realize the gravity of what they have done/neglected to do, sometimes they even cooperate to fulfill their punishment, like kusa ibibigay sayo ang phone nila because they KNOW they made a mistake. Or mismo Hindi na sila hingi ng allowance kasi she spent on something unnecessarily (nag over yung minutes sa phone calls etc).

Now that she missed the application again, tingin ko Mas ok if punishment is lighter (no impact to her future) but higher impact to her NOW. Kahit pa mataas grades nya, she should be more conscientious on these things. Sa dami ng ginagawa mo (I know I'm a single Mom too), need mo pa ba bantayan ang sched ng 19-20yo?!!

[quinone]

Naintindihan ba ng daughter mo bakit nagta-try kayo mag apply for a scholarship? may chores din ba iba mong kids? since ba nung bata sila may chores na sila o lately lang yan? kung lately lang, naga-adjust pa yan. imo, may helper sa bahay o wala, bata pa lang mas magandang may assigned age-appropriate chores na.

sa kwento mo, it makes me think na yung mataas ang grade niya is because matalino siya talaga. nag-aaral ba siya to pass exams? minsan kasi may mga ganoon na kahit hindi mag-aral pwede. baka kasi akala niya sa ibang bagay rin sa totoong buhay ganoon e. para sa akin, mas malayo ang nararating ng masipag/maagap kesa matalino.

yung gawaing bahay nakakatamad talaga yan, pero kung gagawin niya ng walang distractions bibilis siya sa trabaho na yun over time. sa totoo lang ako nakapabagal kong kumilos as in, pero bibilis ka talaga kapag paulit-ulit mong ginagawa. minsan mas maganda unahin yung mga bagay na ayaw mong gawin para matapos na agad.

iwasan mo rin magbitaw ng salita lalu na kung medyo emotional ka, kasi katulad niyan nasabi mo na ata na hindi mo siya ie-enroll. tapos now baka magbago isip mo...

[victim]

Yes, the time off will make her realize what she wants and need in life.

There were 2 persons in our families who underwent this situation and they strived harder after that ang point ng parents is indeed for them to learn the value of the opportunity that they are wasting and what impact it will have in their future.

Hindi naman na kasi bata yan so giving her responsibilities, especially those concerning her own life, is just right.
Also, business is business. Work is work. Payment only comes after output. Nawala yung motivation kasi nakuha na niya yung "what's in it" for her.

In raising children, kailangan talaga love with responsibility. I know you feel like a bad mother for thinking this pero based on what you've done for her, it's otherwise.
You and your daughter both have lessons to learn here and of course, it's not easy. Life is never easy.

This may be a conflict for now but if both of you will choose to grow, your relationship will even be better. Those 2 persons I said earlier are now responsible and really shows their love to their parents.

hi. thank you for your reply. yeah you are right, i paid her in full instead of paying her the DP. i also realized that in the end. 

i was raised also by my mother to be responsible because i am an only child and my father perished when i was 17, my mom was jobless that time. i started working at 17, became a working student and graduated in college at 30. i've been through so many struggles and worked my fingers to the bone. so maybe that is why i would also like to instill in my children the value of hard work.

[victim]

glamorosa09, yes i commend her for all the good deeds. i am the appreciative type of person not only with my family but with other people as well.

Thank you for your inputs. It enlightened me somehow.

[victim]

tea97, when semestral break started lately, she told me she's interested to work part time. i dont know where.

my eldest daughter in UP enrolled for summer school, she saved money out of her baon so she could enroll and go to school everyday. 

[victim]

girltalker2, no punishment was imposed on her that time. i just explained to her her the consequence of what happened like we could at least have a more decent life, not gipit in terms of finances. she was sorry that time. my kids are not "arrogant" when i'm mad or upset. they are respectful children thank god. i feel that they are sorry for their mistakes.

maybe i will no longer allow her to watch youtube because it distracts her.

[glamorosa_09]

maybe i will no longer allow her to watch youtube because it distracts her.

Oh, kawawa naman. My take is that, allow her to be a teenager. Maybe you can just put a limit in her youtube watching, say 2 hours a day? Your daughter might respect you in the outside, but you don't know what's going on inside. She might resent you for being strict. I'm in counseling field, and I  met so many adults with mommy/daddy issues, and it affect their whole adult lives.

I understand you want to instill the virtue of hardwork. All of us parents want that. But I suggest to do it that is appropriate in their age, and not to give them too many responsibilities. They want to enjoy their youth too. They will only be young once.

Based from your personal story, it seems like you became an adult during your teen years because your father died during that time. Since you're an only child, there's no way to go but to grow up quick, whether you like it or not. But keep in mind that your situation is different from your daughter. Yes, you grew up quickly, but don't expect the same with your daughter. Hers is the breaking up of her family - the separation of her parents. Is she the middle child? Those things could affect her personality and behaviors.

You might say that the eldest is different, why can't she be like your eldest? Well, every kid is different. That's why they say every parenting style should be different depending on the personality of your kid.

How is the parent-child relationship? Ok ba the emotional bonding. It's easy to influence kids when they are bonded with their parents. Add the parents' good modelling, they will likely to adopt the parents' virtues. No controlling needed.

Well I'm not just blabbering about this enroll or not enroll thing, maybe I want to look on the side of your daughter too.

[victim]

^ thanks glamorosa for all your your advices. it's good to know that you are your not biased and you weight both sides. i like it.

i'll take your advice to just limit her time in youtube. at the moment she stays with her lola with her cousins but she calls me every night.

in terms of bonding, yes our relationship is cool. sometimes i'm a monster mom but most of the time, we are like friends. my profession naman sis is in HR so i know to deal and besides, i'm really easy to get along with.

thank you for all your advice sis, i am happy to find someone like you here. i normally don't tell my issues with friends, i'm ashamed.

[glamorosa_09]

Oh you're HR. I bet you're well versed with dealing with different personalities.

You're welcome and good luck with the parenting. God bless!