Abusive husband

[arkimommy]

At 3am, we just finished our fight and I don't think I can handle my husband anymore so I decided to seek advice here. Please bear with me. Short background: my husband's very bossy, ang motto niya nga yata "ako yung padre de familia kaya ako yung masusunod". Last year niya lang ako pinayagan to drive on my own, before kasi hatid-sundo niya pa ako sa work whatever happens. Tuwing may lakad ako with friends kailangan lagi magpaalam muna sa kanya as in kapag hindi siya pumayag, I'm not allowed to out. He gives me all the material things in the world, sinasabi ng friends ko ang swerte ko naman daw sa kanya. But not really.

Afternoon, he asked me to have s*x with him. I declined. I'm pregnant and currently on bed rest so why would I risk my baby's life just to satisfy his needs? After I said no, nagalit na siya. Binato niya pa ako ng pillow, binasag mga gamit sa room, and lahat ng gamit ko binaba niya from the door of room to the house's main door. Pagkatapos niya mag-wala umalis na muna siya for awhile to pick my our daughter. Sobrang na-trauma ako because it's his first time to do it. I'm used to his pagmumura everytime nag-aaway kami, like hindi nawawala yung "PI naman *my name" or "nagiging t*nga ka na naman" kapag may ginawa or tinanong ako na hindi niya nagugustuhan. For the past 18 years, ganito na yung naging buhay ko.

Pag-uwi niya he got angry again because I'm still at home – pinapalayas na niya ako. But our daughter talked to him kaya medyo nahimasmasan and di na ako napaalis. During our fight just this midnight, na-bring up niya yung topic na hindi naman daw siya yung tatay ng dinadala ko. Na may ibang lalaki daw ako. We were TTC for more or less 18 years then nung nag-lie low kami, dun kami nakabuo. That's why nag-doubt siya if he's really the father. Sobrang BS because I did not have any sexual contact aside from him, he even asked me na ipa-DNA yung bata but I told him na siya yung gumastos. So there, sobrang nagalit na naman siya, minura-mura ako and even said na "p*kp*k" daw ako. Muntik niya pa akong ma-sampal, our daughter showed up lang kaya natigil niya.

I admit, before if he asks me to do "it", binibigay ko agad. Nasanay siguro siya ng ganun but it's a different situation now. Naguguluhan lang talaga ako because he's really a great provider for our family. When he asked our daughter kung saan siya sasama if nag-hiwalay kami ng dad niya, she answered "hindi ko alam, hindi naman kasi ganun dapat" and she's trying to fix us. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nanghihina na ako and I can't sleep. After this night, I'm not sure if my pagtitis for 18 years is still worth it.

[Girltalker2]

Sis, try to look for a lawyer. Since your hubby has money, I think may habol ka sa assets nya. Before leaving, make sure you take your fair share of your conjugal property.

I thought you're ttc, but you have a daughter? How old na?

[Kensi]

How did you manage to stay with someone like that for 18 years?

Matagal na ba niyang sinabi sayo na nagdududa siya kung kanya ba talaga yung pinagbubuntis mo? O sinabi niya lang yun just to pick a fight?

Kung seryoso siya sa sinabi niya na nagdududa siya, may ingat ka sis. Sana hindi humantong sa physical abuse iyan. Im not saying that physical abuse is a step up from emotional and verbal abuse, pero dahil buntis ka, baka pati si baby madamay.

May matitirhan ka ba pansamantala? I worry about your safety kung ganyan na abusive yung mister mo.

[Shadow Angel]

18 years ka nagtiisin ilang taon pang pagiging abusado ni husband titiisin mo kung alam mong sa sarili mo hindi sya magbabago at sa pagtagal talaga hindi mo na kaya at hihiwalay ka na bakit papatagalin mo pa? Hindi porke good provider hindi na kaya iwan. Learn to love yourself more for sure bumababa ang self esteem mo dahil sa pagmumura nya bakit mo pinapayagan na minumura ka? Magpakatatag buntis ka pa naman mamaya kung ano pa gawin sayo nya.

[arkimommy]

I thought you're ttc, but you have a daughter? How old na?

Sis, matagal nasundan daughter namin that's why we're ttc for more or less 18 years. She's turning 18 on December.

Matagal na ba niyang sinabi sayo na nagdududa siya kung kanya ba talaga yung pinagbubuntis mo? O sinabi niya lang yun just to pick a fight?

May matitirhan ka ba pansamantala? I worry about your safety kung ganyan na abusive yung mister mo.

At first, I felt na he wasn't really happy that I'm pregnant, medyo cold siya to think na matagal namin hinintay. But we never talked about it before, kaninang madaling araw lang and I was shocked kasi ganun pala tingin niya sakin.

If umalis ako dito, friends ko lang mapupuntahan ko for sure. My mom is with us and very much kampi with my husband.

[Lizi]

Wow sis, it's too unbearable for me to think na pinagdudahan ka ng sarili mong mister. And i don't think it's an excuse na nakabuo kayo after 18 years of trying again, di porke ganun katagal bago nasundan doesn't mean nasalisihan mo mister mo. How dare he thinks na ganun kang babae? No wonder ganun siya nagalit sayo all of a sudden (to the point na gusto kang palayasin) when you said NO for lovemaking kase feeling nya nga nagtaksil ka. And I don't think na makukuha pa yan sa magandang usapan to think na mentally abused ka na nga, and to top it all, seems like decided pa ang hubby mo na hiawalayan ka na at nagtanong pa sa daughter mo kung kanino sya sasama.. 

Tama dito si sis Girltalker2, find a lawyer and consult. Hindi maganda sa condition mo ngayon yang ganyang stressful environment lalo na't buntis ka.

I just feel bad for you sis and I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now. Pregnancy should be something na good news and pinapamper ka sana ni hubs mo right now, but look what he's done 

[Girltalker2]

Did your Mom see your hubby's tantrums? Then ok lang? Grabe naman. Or baka wala din syang mapupuntahan if ever lumayas kayo dyan?

[arkimommy]

Thanks sis Lizi, maybe I really need to consult a lawyer na talaga. He just told me na kapag nanganak daw ako, ayaw niya i-name after him yung baby.

I know my baby is a very big blessing but kung alam ko lang na ganito mangyayari, sana hindi nalang namin pinilit. Before this pregnancy he's very bossy and all pero hindi naman siya ganito kalala. Grabe na yung emotional damange na ginawa niya sakin. Drained na drained na ako.

^ Sis Girltalker2, she just told me na pag-usapan daw namin ni hubby. Yun lang. Basta alam ko sobrang kampi sila ni hubby na siguro kapag napalayas ako dito, pwede siya mag-stay. Haaaay.

[keejac21]

Hi sis arkimommy, I feel your pain and Im sad about your story. To make things heavier is the fact that you're pregnant.
Id like to ask if ever nga na paalisin ka sa house niyo ay saan ka pupunta. And will you have enough money to sustain your needs.
Kinakabahan ako sa situation mo na para bang anytime may mali ka ng konti ay biglang umbagin ka ng husband mo.

You are such a brave woman to have stayed.

[kirsten10]

arkimommy, focus on your baby. Wag mo entertain yan si abusive husband pag naghahanap ng away. Kung di ka aalis jan, at least iwasan mo sya para walang pagsisisi sa huli pag may nangyari sa baby.

I feel more for your daughter, she's been exposed to domestic violence and this could have an impact on they way she looks at men, hopefully she understands that those behavior of hid dad is not tolerable and totally unacceptable.

[arkimommy]

^^ Sis keejac21, thank you for the concern. Well, kung paalisin man ako, I have friends na willing naman ako patuluyin sa bahay nila but I don't want to kasi may mga family din naman sila. I have a stable work but naka-leave ako now because of my condition. Mga after a month pa ako makakabalik, I have savings but honestly I'm not sure if enough because my husband is our main provider.

^ Sis kirsten10, thanks sis. Will keep that on my mind. My daughter has a boyfriend and I make sure open ako sa kanya sa lahat ng nangyayari samin ng daddy niya.

[crzysxycl]

*Hugs* sis arkimommy! Nakabed rest ka, so  wala akong makitang reason para hindi maintindihan ng hubby mo why you refused to have s*x with him. Hindi ko rin magets bakit iniisip nyang hindi kanya yung bata. I mean, wala naman syang basis, at purely "naiisip" nya lang yon. Ganon ba kataas yung tingin nya sa sarili nya para magsalita ng kung ano ano, worst is mura murahin ka. Tapos 18 yrs mo na palang tinitiis yung ugali nya. Hang on sis, mahirap din kasi mag decide basta basta lalo sa condition mo ngayon. Basta kalma ka lang, isipin mo muna yung safety nyo ni baby. Siguro pag nanganak ka na, saka ka mag decide kasi if you act now, hindi ka rin makakampante, masama magworry masyado pag buntis. Nag away din kami once ni hubby now na preggy ako, I think last month yun. Petty fight lang, pero hubby ko kasi mahilig mag walk out. Masasabi ko lang, kahit gustong gusto kong magalit, pinipigil ko kasi natatakot ako baka kung anong mangyari kay baby. I tried to calm myself down, dinivert ko attention ko para hindi ko maisip yung inis ko. Buti nalang mabilis din naman lumamig ang ulo ko. Pero iba pa rin situation mo, gaya ng sabi ng ibang sisses natin dito, nakakatakot nga kasi parang may tendency hubby mo ng physical abuse. For now, yun lang ma-advice ko sis. Also, mag open ka lagi sa mom mo, baka sakali makita nya yung whole picture. Will pray for you sis. Ingat kayo lagi ni baby.

[Purple_Power]

Ang tanong ko rito is what is your plan? If I am in your place kahit isang buwan nga hindi ko titiisin yan. Byenan nga lang na winawalanghiya ako matindi na pakikipag-away ko sa asawa ko eh! kaya nag-adjust rin ito pa kaya? I would rather want to be single mom. Being a good provider doesn't mean he has all the right to be abusive. So what if he gives you everything? Hindi mo utang na loob yun, it is his responsibility. Padre de Pamilia siya masusunod? not at all, remember he is your partner not your boss and you are not his slave. Kaya siya nagiging ganyan because you tolerate it all the time. Remember you can even send him to the police. Oral defamation ata tawag dyan.

[babykat]

Your husband is an a**h**e and full of BS. Nakakagigil sya.

You have to be strong sis, for yourself and your baby.  You have an abusive husband and you have to start thinking of your options already.  Kasi baka humantong na nga yang abuse nya sa physical abuse.  And if not sayo, think about how he will treat your baby pag naipanganak mo na.  Ngayon pa lang, ayaw na nya sa bata.

It might get difficult pero makakaya mo yan.  18 years is too long a time to stay in this relationship with him.  You should stand up for yourself and your baby.  Know your rights.  May mga karapatan ka pati ng anak mo. 

Goodluck sis.

[Purple_Power]

^I agree yung bata pa pala nirereject niya na. I find it dangerous.

Yung pa nga lang pagbato sayo ng pillow is an act of violence already eh! Domestic violence pa rin ang tawag dyan, ang unan ay hindi maliit na bagay lang kahit malambot yan.

Kaya TS I am asking you kung ano na plano mo? huwag mong intindihin yung pagiging provider niya. Baka nga kaya siya nagiging abusive kasi pakiramdam niya hindi mo kayang mabuhay ng wala siya, kaya kahit ano pwede niyang gawin sayo. Kung pwede nga pagkapanganak mo humiwalay ka na eh! Pero if you choose to stay with him then expect it he will be really like that for the rest of your life. Unless na lang you are willing to combat him brutally. Don't expect for change hindi naman yan presidency na change is coming. If you stay longer then that is continuity of his attitude. Change is coming kapag humiwalay ka na or you are willing to fight back against him.

[arkimommy]

Last night, we had a fight again kasi hindi ko daw siya inaasiko and about the baby. As usual minura na naman ako. And sabi niya, kapag nanganak ako, he doesn't want the baby with us. Ibigay ko nalang daw sa tatay or kung saan man basta wag daw dito samin. What. Napaka-g*go talaga. Eto pa, nung nag-away kami before pinapalayas na niya ako tapos ngayon naman ayaw niya akong pakawalan. He's so impossible.

So after that, I decided that I'm moving out as soon as maayos na yung ni-rent ko na condo. I don't know if until when or kung babalikan ko pa yung g*go na yun pero I know kailangan ko na gawin 'to for my unborn baby. I don't care kung ayaw niya basta aalis na ako. Kung sakin lang naman, matitiis ko lahat ng pananakit and mura niya but ayoko na madamay yung anak ko. Talked our daughter and she will stay with her father. She's still hoping na magka-ayos kami ng dad niya but meh, ubos na ubos na ako.

Thank you so much for the replies and concern sisses. Please pray for me and my baby. We need all the strength right now. Hay.

[babykat]

Good for you sis na you decided to move out.  Based sa kwento mo about your hubby, I am more afraid for your baby if you stay.  I can only imagine how he will treat your baby eh ngayon pa lang, ginaganyan na nya.  Ikaw nakapagtiis ka ng 18 years, but can you imagine your baby growing up na ganyan ang kinikilalang ama?  It's heartbreaking.

If and when you decide to leave, be firm in your resolve.  For sure, he will blackmail you, call you names, threaten you, etc.  Pero don't back down.  If by magkakaayos eh babalik na naman kayo sa dati, wag na.  You will only be repeating the same vicious cycle and worse, this time, may madadamay pang bata.

My prayers for you, sis.

[arkimommy]

^ Thank you so much sis. Yes ako nga makakapag-tiis sa ugali niya but hindi ko kaya na pati anak ko, na anak din naman niya, idamay niya. Tama si Purple_Flower, I would rather want to be a single mom. Haaay bakit ba ngayon ko lang na-realize 'to.

Up to now I'm still blaming myself kung bakit umabot sa ganito but I'm happy na I've decided to finally leave him. Ilang days nalang...

[Pinklet]

Matanong ko lang TS. Why would your husband think na hindi sa kanya ang baby na dinadala mo ngayon? May instance ba na may nalaman sya na maybe you're dating another guy or may nabasa sya na messages.. Kase baka may basis din si husband mo kung bakit ganun ganun na lang ang pagdududa nya sayo and if kanya talaga ang baby nyo. I hope you're well.

[crzysxycl]

^^Kaya mo yan sis. Stay strong. Will pray for you.