just a brief background, i grew up in a family where i never felt loved and my parents were fighting all the time that it has become a norm na sa house namin.
when i was younger, my sister and i fights everyday. we are each other's mortal enemy when we were younger.
growing up, i usually get what i want and i am a spoiled brat. i never had anyone i look up to as a role model so everything na natutunan ko is i learned them through my mistakes. worse mistakes.
i didnt know na when u visit a friend's house, u have to greet the mom pala, or say hi to everyone that is in that house. i will just look at them or try to smile. hindi ako marunong makisama kasi sanay ako na sila ang nakikisama sa akin. i didnt know na other person matters too. i feel bad having no manners but i learned these things as i was getting old and watch people din on how to act. sometimes i dunno na if i create a different persona ba. i just feel stupid for not knowing these things before.
my first BF in college, i will always push him away. and always ask for his attention. if i didnt get it, aawayin ko sya and will hurt him, say bad things. like end of the world na when i get mad. and super jealous ako in everything. even his mom i get jealous and yung close friend nya na girl who likes him, i get jealous too, i did this to him everyday, then make suyo the next day pag lumamig na ulo ko nawala na topak. will give him gifts, flowers, cake, etc ofcourse, my actions pushed him away over time. natiis nya for a few years but syempre may limit din ang tao
he found another girl na naging 3rd party. he did this on our 3rd year but i accepted him. i had my 3rd party too as a revenge pero he accepted me. 4 years later we broke up bec of my attitude and our relationship was a mess na. i realized all my mistakes na maybe kaya he had a 3rd party kasi he was looking for heaven when all i give him is hell. especially when i found out about his cheating.
few years later, i know na saan ako nagkamali and i have moved on and had another BF. i realized na ok i will remain faithful and all, but one thing i cannot change is yung pag away sa BF ko whenever i feel na he takes me forgranted or neglect me.
i decided to change kasi i know and noticed through other people na it is not right and nahuhurt ko sila bec of my self issues.
we are in long distance relationship. may times na we got nothing to talk about na except what happened to my day and when i feel bored i will over think his texts and make an issue out of it then since i always misunderstood him, nag aaway na kame.
when we were together, bigla na lang ako magkaka outburst and will get mad lalo pag stressed or gutom or overwhelmed with a lot of things. sya napagbubuntungan ko.
nung umalis na sya, he was stranded sa airport and stayed sa house ng friend nya na girl and nagalit ako saying nagpastranded sya para makatulog sa house nung girl. i know he is faithful pero ginawan ko ng issue.
may iba pang instances na i blew everything out of proportion and i said a lot of mean things to him and that made him question everything. when i asked what he means he said he question his decisions and choices. to me, it sounded na he questions if he still wants me or not. his friend said to her, it sounded that he questions the future.
he told me na i should seek help, so nagpaappointment ako sa psychiatrist. first time pa lang so wala pang evaluation..
i know na i shouldnt blame anyone but me. i may have grown up with that kind of family and feeling ko nagagaya ko what they are doing. i know it is not right, and i should not blame them. kaya i am seeking help.
maybe i am too sensitive din. when i feel na he doesnt love me i always ask validation or to make me feel otherwise, if he cant, nagaaway na kame kasi hindi nya gets ano gusto ko.
i also look in some couples on how they do it, their daily mundane life. what they do, etc kasi i wanna know how i should be ba.
my question is, for couples na LDR, if u got nothing to talk about or u feel na he doesnt love u, what do u do? do u tell the partner how u feel? or u ignore that feeling?
if u feel worried and paranoid, what do u do? i know i shouldnt tell him those paranoia's especially if i have no concrete proof but what do u do? i cannot just keep it to myself. or dismiss the thought or feeling. i feel so abnormal.
i feel baliw ako since he asked me to go to a psychiatrist, and sometimes i feel bad about it kasi diba when someone loves u he should accept u, flaw and all, kaso i feel na he only loves me in good times. which i know he doesnt. makes me think what's gonna happen in the future if may super big issue na talaga..
