Emotionally empty because of emotionally lazy husband

[maria helga]

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and emotional abuse is more dangerous than physical abuse. Hindi por que hindi nananakit physically yung hubby ni TS eh okay lang...there are wounds that do not show but they cut deeper.

Ang hirap kasi sa ibang tao, narrow yung definition nila ng abuse. They think that there is only ONE form of abuse (which is so wrong and very contrary to the what is really happening). Masyadong cliche and steretypical mag-isip ang ibang tao and they even blame the victim, accusing her of things like overacting, oversensitive, kulang sa pansin, etc.

Ako naniniwala ako na hindi nagdadrama si TS. Duh. It matters to her a great deal kaya nya nga shinishare sa atin eh.

I think nagising lang si TS sa worth nya as a woman and as a person kasi hindi nya deserve yung ganung treatment from her husband who is supposed to be the very person who'd support her emotionally and financially and make her feel secure.

To TS: If you feel in your heart na you are drained and not getting the love you deserve, follow your gut feeling and run away from him. Kailangan magising ng asawa mo. Hindi ka nya dapat ginaganyan. Look at Sunshine Cruz and Jennylyn Mercado. Single mother man sila, kinaya nila at napatunayan nila na hindi nila kailangan ng lalake kung hindi alam ng lalake yung worth nila.

Iparamdam mo sa asawa mo na wala kang paki sa kanya, na kaya mo sarili mo at ang anak mo. Mahalin mo ang sarili mo. Malolosyang ka sa sobrang stress kapag pinabayaan mo yang asawa mo na ganyan-ganyanin ka. Baka nga hindi lang ganun mangyari, baka magkasakit ka pa sa stress at sobrang pag-iisip. Run away from anything that doesn't add value to your life. Love yourself.

[cruxito]

^poor kids ;( madali sana sabihin pero baka naman may chance pa i-tama ang mga mali.. I know gasgas na yung kasabihan na " magtitiis para sa mga bata" pero true yun... marami naging successful na family if sasamahan nila ng sacrifice... mas pinag hahawakan ko kasi ang kasabihang "You can't have it all *with a big smile emoticon" kapag natanggap mo yan then magkakaron ka ng contentment...

napansin nyo ba? parang ang family are meant to be broken? lolz (POV lang po) parang promises no? well, kasi kung hindi pambababae ang nira rant ng mga wifey about their husband eh eto naman may nakikita pa ring mali ang wives sa mga lalaki..

now since nobody is perfect, bibigyan ka ng chance makahanap ng bagong husband ano mas pipiliin mo? babaero(may kabit)  o emotionally lazy husband? pili na mainit init pa...  

[young_maiden]

^ Kung ako tatanungin mo niyan, wala akong pipiliin. Baka maaga ako tumanda pag ganyang klaseng lalaki mapangasawa ko. Worse, baka ako mismo maaga mamatay. So para sayo ok lang magtiis si wife sa ugali ni husband basta di siya nambababae?

I don't believe dyan sa magsasama dahil sa kids kahit di na compatible sina husband and wife unless kaya nila magpretend sa harap ng mga bata na ok sila. Eh most married couples pag nag-aaway sa harap talaga ng mga anak nila eh. Imagine mo na lang ang trauma nun sa bata di ba? Akala lang natin wala silang alam pero aware sila sa nangyayari.

At dyan sa sinasabi mo na "You can't have it all" at "contentment", somehow I agree. Pero ibang usapan na pag self-worth mo na ang affected di ba. Kung ang partner mo inaapakan na ego mo, dapat lang magdemand ka na di ka niya tratuhin ng ganun.

[maria helga]

True, sis. Tingnan mo yung nanay ni Tyra Banks. Nakipaghiwalay sya dun sa tatay ni Tyra Banks kasi ayaw nya lumaki si Tyra na nakikita yung poor treatment sa kanya nung husband nya.

Aware ang nanay ni Tyra na healthy childhood environment is important. True enough, lumaki si Tyra na independent woman at successful kasi naimpluwensyahan sya ng nanay nya na maging strong.

[Shadow Angel]

Porke walang babae si husband ok na. Hindi na dapat magcomplain si wifey? Hindi rin ako pabor na magtiis dahil sa mga bata. Life is too short tapos mawawalan ka lang sa mundo na hindi ka naging masaya sa buhay mo dahil mas pinili ang magtiis. Commitment madalas na wala sa mga lalaki akala kasi dahil pinakasalan si wife , at nagaabot ng pera tapos na obligasyon bilang asawa at ama. Kaya nga dumadami ang feminist dahil hindi naiintindihan ng mga lalaki kung ano worth ng babae.

[maria helga]

Truuuue. Wag magtiis. Tsaka lugi ka ng bongga dun. Yun lang ba ang mga choices na meron sa mundo? Emotionally unavailable or babaero? Paano kung yung emotionally unavailable na husband ni TS maisipan mangbabae? Eh di lalong kawawa si TS. 

Wag na dapat hintayin ni TS na mangyari yun. Marami syang choices. At hindi kasali dun ang magtiis at ma-stress at malosyang. Lugi talaga sya dun. Habang yung lalake may pera tapos unaffected. Lugi, girl.

[caterpillar-girl]

Yeah I think may something sa communication pattern ninyo. Example, the tuition fee issue. From your point of view, bakit hindi ka man lang nya tulungan, ngayong may pambayad naman pala sya for some other thing? I'm guessing, guessing lang, from his point of view naman, bakit naman kinulang ka ng 500? At bakit mo nakalimutan yung due date ng tuition ng anak natin e diba ikaw naman nakatoka doon?

So dun palang may disconnect na kayo. The way you talk to each other, parang loaded na kagad ang mga salita nyo sa isa't isa. You both don't take what the other is saying at face value. May lalim na kagad. May halo na kagad na exasperation at accusation. Maybe ang naririnig nya when you ask him if he has spare cash is NOT 'Do you have spare cash?' Kundi 'Siguro naman you have spare cash for me and our child no?!' 500 lang naman!'  Ikaw naman ang feeling mo when he seems distracted about something is automatically, 'he's not listening to me because he really doesn't care about me!'

All these are conjectures of course. We don't know his side of the story, and to be fair, mukhang malabo rin talaga kausap asawa mo. But I think your problem is a matter of miscommunication. Which I think magagawan pa naman ng paraan.

I'm not a fan of pagpapaka martyr. It's just that to me, your situation doesn't sound completely hopeless. But only you would know that. You and your husband. Good luck!

[khaleesiCersei]

Sakin naman dun sa tuition na kinulang ng 500..tuition ng Anak mo yun diba? Pagdadamutan mo ba ng 500 para lang mauna yun capricho mo? Na parang ang dating bahala ka dyan basta nabigay ko na yun share ko sa tuition. Eh in the first place naman husbands are generally the providers diba? Titikisin mo ba yun 500 na yun na pede naman kitain? Or kung wala ka man 500 eh gawan mo ng paraan ikaw ang lalaki, parang pinabayaan niya lang talaga yun wife na gumawa ng paraan. Maybe the wife forgot the deadline dahil mas madami siyang ginagawa kesa sa husband. Pero regardless of the reason, parang hindi pa rin dapat ganon ang response ng isang husband/father diba? Kasi for me parang ang heartless lang. Para sa anak mo yun 500 hindi naman para sa ibang bagay. And TS, i find it weird na you had to borrow money from your husband. Eh dapat nagshashare kayo ng blessings nyo with each other diba? kung sino meron eh di siya muna magshare.. Walang utang utang na dapat bayaran. Parang napaka others lang ng dating hehe

[stormy_princess]

Hi sisses, bro..una sa lahat Merry Christmas sa inyong lahat!

I am overwhelmed with all you support and inputs sa post ko. Ang dami ko sina-alang alang. To
update you, nag-usap na kami kahapon ng husband ko. Since the incident happened, I was cold as ice
with him. Then kahapon he's the one who approached me. He started with wag na daw kami mag-away kc pasko na. Siguro dahil sa sobrang emotional burdens na dinadala ko sobrang umiyak agad ako. He asked me why and I said sobrang sama ng loob ko sa kanya. Then dun na nagstart na sinabi ko na lahat ng sama ng loob ko. I even told him na for the past 6yrs of marriage, I felt so alone in this journey and I can't even say if he is a good husband kasi looking back I can recall the pains more than the joy in our marriage. And yung what I need is not only a husband but a partner. At sobrang hirap for me to go on everyday na ako lang wherein dapat nandun sya na umagapay sa akin. Yung sa kulang sa tuition na 500 sabi ko sa kanya it's not all about the money but I was hurt the way you reacted towards the situation. It's not the first time it happened kaya pakiramdam ko mag-isa lang talaga ako sa laban na to.

He had a different points of view sa mga nangyari sa amin kahit yung mga dati pa. Akala nya daw kasi okay lang sa akin. Akala nya daw I don't take it seriously because I appear strong naman. Sabi ko sa kanya, yung akala nya is unti unting pumapatay sa akin. And because he's not aware pina-realized ko sa kanya lahat lahat. I'm not a perfect wife either pero I told him na lahat ginagawa ko para lang maging maayos family namin at pinupunan ko hangga't kaya ko ang hindi nya kaya pero wala namang bastusan. Wag naman abusado. The fact na sya ang lalaki dito. Dapat nga sya bumubuhay sa amin pero ang dating eh parang ako pa bumubuhay sa pamilya namin.

He asked me what do I want. That's the time I gave back our rings (engagement+wedding ring). I told him on January 1, I want him out of the door. I want him to stay over holidays para lang sa anak namin. But he didn't accept it. He was shocked as in kitang kita ko sa face nya. Siguro kasi he wasn't expecting it talaga. Sabi ko hindi ko na kaya at wala na akong maibibigay pa. He cried. He asked for forgiveness. And told me to be sensitive na about my emotions and  my needs as a wife and as a mother. He will change his ways daw wag lang daw kami maghiwalay. I believe ours is not a hopeless case pa naman, so I said, let's see. And he begged me to give him another chance.

There was a problem lang din talaga with our communication siguro and he promised to open his door for me na and wont's shut me out na. And he's the one who  offered na baguhin na namin ang structure ng financial situation namin para na rin maapag-ipon kami for ourselves and for our kid.

He realized his faults and he realized my worth at sa lahat ng promises nyang pagbabago, hindi ko alam kung maniniwala ako. Pero first nya ginawa to at hindi naman siguro masama kung bigyan ko sya ng another chance diba? Ayaw nya masira ang family namin kaya gagawin nya daw lahat. I may not that confident kasi isang araw pa lang simula nong nag usap kami but I want to give him a fair fight.

Maraming salamat sa lahat ng inyong tulong..Sobrang na-a-appreciate ko lahat ng inputs nyo. Sa ngayon ito muna kami. Ito muna ako. Umaasa na sa tulong naming dalawa ma-solve lahat ng ito. At laking pasalamat ko na ang asawa ko mismo ang nagkusa na baguhin ang mga ilang bagay na gusto ko mabago sa pagsasama namin para sa ikakabuti rin namin..
   

[momentum]

^thats good to hear sis. Sana nga he keeps his promises. Good luck and dont forget to love yourself more this time.. Huwag akuhin lahat.. Hayaan mo din siya to make kusa on things na usually inaako mo. Give him the opportunity to prove himself as the man of the family. Take care

[glamorosa_09]

That`s a wonderful christmas story!

Maganda yan -- overhaul your relationship from communication to fincancial set-up. But, your husband will probably still frustrate you, if that is the case, I suggest to write down on paper lahat ng masasakit na salita, then tear it. That`s what I do. So when I talk to my husband, filtered out na ang hurtful contents and strong negative emotions.

From your update, I think your husband is worth fighting for. Looks like mabait naman sya and responsible. Hope he knows his good qualities too so he would be inspired to be a better husband.

Good luck and God bless!

[momentum]

kamusta na kayo ni husband TS? 

[super bratinella]

Narinig ko lang ito mga sis, that guys are like dogs, if you want them to obey you, train them, and if you train them well the way you want them to treat you, they will. Guys are so routinary, at the start of the relationship they do not know what is right and what is wrong, what is ok and what is not until we tell them,  from there what we teach them doon lang sila nag base on how to handle the relationship. It means if ok lang sa atin ang half half sa expenses they can get used to it kahit hindi na pala tama.  Kung ok lang sa atin ang pag bear ng mga household chores kahit hindi na natin kaya hindi since na train sila from start na ok lang so they will get use to that routine.

If we will let them know na this got to stop and husband needs to be retrain then impose some rules again and there will be another adjustment, and from there he will get used to it again, but this time it will a lot more challenging since you are already familiar with each other unlike if this was done from the onset.

Iba iba rin kasi ang mga tao so iba ibang approach din, but if we can impose what is right in the relationship that both parites would take advantage then it will be less complicated. Since you got both second chances to renew your relationship then make this an  opportunity to make it right

Disclaimer : guys are just like dogs in terms on the training but of course do not treat them as dogs but kings. it is just idiomatic expression... hehe

[stormy_princess]

thank you so much sis super bratinella. Your reply is really on time. We are scheduled to talk tonight (me and my husband) to discuss matters again. Hays this time yung paglabas nya ng hanggang madaling araw na hindi nagpapaalam sa akin. But we have to fix this. And have agreed to the commitments or else ay naku ewan ko na lang. I have to be vigilant lang talaga eh kasi pag medyo comfortable na bumabalik na naman sa dati. But thanks a lot:)

[Girltalker2]

TS, sustaining a marriage is constant work, on going process. It is good that you talked to him last Xmas. At least namulatan sya. But it doesn't mean isang usapan nyo lang, ok na lahat. Tama din you talk once in a while (weekly at least) on how things are going. Spend more time etc Para at least ma check nyo if both of you are doing well or hindi and what needs to be done/modified sa pagsasama nyo.

[stormy_princess]

thanks sis Girltalker2. I spoke with my hubby last night and I demand not request ah. Demand talaga to date me once a week preferably Friday night. Aside from spending more time with him, we agreed to have this routine para na rin to evaluate what happened to us for a week and how to make it better in the coming weeks. It's gonna be a constant work talaga..ang hirap lang sa hubby ko kasi nasanay sya sa comfort zone with me kaya into parang back to base ako. I have just have to exert 1000% or more than that if I want to fix these concerns that could eventually turn into worst if napabayaan.

Thank you so much sisses for your advises and opinions. Appreciate it much

[blushberry]

^ Ano naman ang update about your weekly date?  Men in general are spoiled now a days.  Kung dati they are expected to really lead and support the family, ngayon expect narin nila na the wives should carry the load too, not just pitch in ha.  Correct them and parang nakikinig naman pero wala parin nangyayari.  Sana lang men can be they way they were before, gentlemen in every sense of the word. 

[stormy_princess]

^ Ano naman ang update about your weekly date?  Men in general are spoiled now a days.  Kung dati they are expected to really lead and support the family, ngayon expect narin nila na the wives should carry the load too, not just pitch in ha.  Correct them and parang nakikinig naman pero wala parin nangyayari.  Sana lang men can be they way they were before, gentlemen in every sense of the word. 

^ Ano naman ang update about your weekly date?  Men in general are spoiled now a days.  Kung dati they are expected to really lead and support the family, ngayon expect narin nila na the wives should carry the load too, not just pitch in ha.  Correct them and parang nakikinig naman pero wala parin nangyayari.  Sana lang men can be they way they were before, gentlemen in every sense of the word. 

Okay here's the update.. Regarding weekly date..hays napagod lang ako. 3 consecutive Fridays and that's it..On the 4th Friday sabi nya wag na daw kami lumabas kasi hindi daw healthy ang foods outside for him (he has pre-hypertension kasi) so sabi ko lang, okay. After that wala ng nangyari. Tinamad na rin ako mag-initiate. Kumbaga sa akin bahala ka nga kung gusto mo e di okay pag ayaw e di wag. Tapos nitong last week, bigla ba naman sabi sa akin bat di ko na raw sya dini-date. Ang sagot ko sa kanya: wow! ako lalaki dito? Ako may problema? Kakabadtrip kasi eh. Lahat na lang halos ginagawa ko pero parang wala ng effect sa kanya. Kala ko nagbago na panandalian lang pala. Sa ngayon natuto na rin ako. Bahala na. Kung ayaw nya wag nya. Mahalin ko na lang sarili ko at anak ko para kung saan man patungo marriage namin may lakas ako maiahon ang lahat.

[Girltalker2]

^ at least nag e expect sya lalabas kayo. Puede mo naman sabihan sya to plan for the month of April para turn naman nya. Then May Ikaw ulit.  Marami naman food options sa labas na healthy - salad, sandwich etc

Puede din naman kayo mag bar lang or lounge for drinks or even dessert lang. Hindi naman dapat dinner lagi.

Tapos once sya ang nag plan, make sure you encourage him and thank him para he can be motivated to do it every time in the future.

[glamorosa_09]

Ang sagot ko sa kanya: wow! ako lalaki dito? Ako may problema? Kakabadtrip kasi eh.

Contemptuous naman kasi itong comment na ito. Baka nakakasakit ng pagkalalaki. I also read one of your comments on another thread, medyo iba yung bagsak ng mga salita mo sa husband mo.

Like what I`ve pointed out on my previous replies here, the pattern in your communication involves critcism, contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness. Usually, it`s women who are critical and contemptuous, while men do the stonewalling and being defensive, as can be observed on your posts. There`s a (longitudinal) study that said these types of communication predict separation/divorce. Longitudinal meaning sinundan ng researcher ang mga couples from the beginning of their marriage, until the others went separate ways. That said, I wouldn`t be surprised na mauuwi kayo sa hiwalayan. Hindi maayos ang communication at conflict resolution, masasakit pa ang mga salita. Consequently, there`ll be no emotional intimacy, as it builds up on good communication.

Hanap na lang kayo ng marriage counselor kung hindi nyo kaya ayusin ng kayong dalawa lang.