Emotionally empty because of emotionally lazy husband

[stormy_princess]

Sorrry mga sis..I just want to rant or share my dilemma right now. And hoping you to share your points of view.. tia..

My husband is a good guy. He is understanding, supportive, a good father and can provide though he cannot provide all our needs. He is kind and he is older 6yrs than me. He has a job pero his salary does not go straight to me. Hati kami sa gastusin. Which is hindi fair sa akin dahil sya bili ng bili ng gusto nya samantalang ako tipid na tipid dahil kailangan ko mag-ipon para sa anak namin. Higit sa lahat, he is emotionally lazy. Lazy as in never ako sinuyo. He never said sorry pag may kasalanan nya or na-hurt nya ako. He thinks of himself as perfect in our relationship. We are 6yrs married na but I never saw him struggling or talking to me the plans for our future. Pag nag o-open up ako sa kanya, sasabihin nya I'm thinking too much. Pag nagra-rant ako sasabihin nya I have to choose my battle. Pag nagkukuwento ako, he don't listen. Basically, I only have a husband. I don't have a friend in him. And lately, pakiramdam ko drain na drain na ako. We are not in the talking mode for 7days now and he don't even initiate to ask me if I am okay. Sa relationship namin, ako ang tumatayong lalaki. And this Christmas season, I am planning to give him back our wedding ring. Dahil sobrang suko na ako. I cannot give more than what I received.

[kaiz]

sis how about you try reading book ni gary chapman? The One Year Love Language Minute. it can help.

[stormy_princess]

thanks sis kaiz. I haven't tried reading it but will try...

[airish_2]

Why give up agad? Have you tried telling this all to your husband kahit na pigilan ka pa nya kasi nga masyado ka nga daw nagiisip how about sending him a letter instead. Don't give up unless you tried every possible way.

[caterpillar-girl]

I'm a bit confused. You said he's 'understanding' and 'supportive.' Paano sya naging ganun when you say he doesn't even listen to you?

[glamorosa_09]

Sis, mukhang drained na drained ka na nga.  Ang dami mong grievances na inilatag dito from different areas of your relationship. But in the middle, and on your post title, you focused on emotional laziness of your husband.

From what I understand, he couldn't meet your emotional needs. You need conversation, most women need conversation, pero wala kang nakukuha sa kanya. Any sign of emotional affections --wala rin. So ang dating, walang emotional connection between the two of you. And it seems to me, this emptiness heightened because of your one-week silent war.

Hindi ka siguro magpopost nito kung hindi tumagal ng isang linggo ang away niyo.

What led ba to your fight in the first place? Is it related to any of your grievances?

[aquacharly]

You start off stating he's a good guy, etc etc etc.   Then you say later on that ikaw and tumatayong lalaki.

I may have gotten your cuento wrong, but let me try to help.  You are the more financially responsible spouse?  You curb your spending, and plan for your kid's future financial needs.  You feel resentful over the split on expenses.  There is a solution to that.  But to engage your husband into financial planning & greater contribution, you must martial your numbers well.  He may be emotionally remote, so drama will not get him into any constructive discussion.  But numbers will; see, numbers paint a better picture for guys.

Start by making projections of your kid's future needs: tuition fee, health maintenance, extracurricular expenses, etc.  Point out to your hubby that these are separate from your regular expenses & must be provided for.  That way, making him understand all that -- he will at least contribute to half of what you're saving for.  To further cut down on any lack of cooperation on his part --  do not demand too much, as in -- he will perceive his life as just a work treadmill.  He is what he is. He has no reservations about not providing for all/the bulk of family living expenses. Kasi he needs to spend for some of his caprichos.  In getting him to contribute more, you must still give him enough to spend for his wants.   

As for his dis-connect/emo detachment -- maybe? when you try to connect to him -- the topic or approach is "heavy" always?  Guys want to relax most of the time.     Ayaw nila puro problems, concerns, fears ang pinaguusapan.  Lighten up.  There will always be time to discuss serious concerns.  And, once you do discuss serious concerns -- do it objectively and reach a mutual decision on how to handle these -- then, stop discussing it. Just implement your mutual  decision.  Nakaka drain din if maya't maya eh inuungkat.  You must both enjoy each other's company frequently.  So set your targets, then do a semi-annual or annual performance assessment.  Hindi iyang he keeps an emo distance from you at baka you ambush him into a serious discussion.  Timing timing Lang dapat.

One thing you must give priority to is to take good care of yourself.  You may not derive as much satisfaction from personal purchases as your husband does. It's just you. But you must find ways to pamper yourself:  a good haircut, a massage, lunch with bffs -- whatever it is that re-energizes you.

So there, you are a responsible wife and mom.  But do not let your sterling qualities tire you out, and emotionally drain you to the point that you lose appreciation for that "good guy" husband of yours.  When a person is tired, there's the danger of losing patience, making dissatisfaction bigger, and/or developing self pity.   Take a break. Breathe. Spoil yourself a little.  You will come back refreshed, and better able to constructively face your issues.

Merry Christmas.  It is the season for goodwill & love. 

[patrickcaras]

What you don't get is that there is nothing wrong with your husband. Men are not as sensitive or in-tuned as women. But if you would give back your wedding ring just because you don’t understand basic male psychology then you are the one who has a problem. 

Or maybe there is a much bigger issue which made you decide to return your ring? Or is it just drama/ for show?

[engr_neechee]

^pero sis/bro, in defense of TS, mahirap yung tipid ka nang tipid sa sarili mo tapos si hubby niya, gastos nang gastos without considering that they are kinda "tight" financially.  Ang mahirap pa dito, kapag ibibring up niya yung "planning" which is essential sa mga mag-asawa, eh galit pa itong si lalaki.  Ika nga eh work as a team.  Ok, gets ko na malamang nung nagpaulan ng lambing sa mundo eh absent si hubby niya.  What you don't see is that the hubby must at least, listen to the wife.  May mali bang hingin yun?

[patrickcaras]

^Well of course that's part of marital life but that is not a good enough reason to end a marriage.

[stormy_princess]

Thank you everyone for your inputs and sorry if my post is kinda confusing.

To answer your concerns:

1. sis airish_2 - why give up agad? Napagod na rin talaga ako. 

2. sis caterpillar-girl - He's understanding in a way like, sabihin ko medyo late na ako uwi kasi I have something to do pa sa office, he would just say, "okay". Supportive in a way like for example, sasabihin ko na on Saturday magkikita kami ng bestfriend ko (we don't normally go out with friends on weekend), he will just say, "okay. go ahead. just bring our daughter." Pero yung tipong when I have achievement sa office or sad and just need someone to share with, he's not there. Like one time, I was promoted in the office. We were having dinner tapos I blurted out the news then kwento na ko ng kwento. After a while, I ask him, "what do you think? sa tingin mo magiging okay ba ako sa bago kong position?" And he answered, "Ah? Ano nga ulit yung sinasabi mo?" Take note, di lang yun once or twice nangyari pero there comes a point na sabi ko suko na ako. I mean, sabihin mo sa akin kung ayaw mong makinig para hindi na lang ako magsayang ng energy to tell. Buti sana kung may distractions or something during the conversation eh wala naman eh. Hindi ko na alam sa totoo lang.

3. sis glamorosa_09 - thank you so much sis...What led our fight in the first place? Ganito kasi sis, bayaran ng tuition ng daughter namin. Nawala kasi sa isip ko na due date na pala. Then pagtingin ko sa wallet ko kulang ng 500. Sabi ko: babe pahiram naman 500 muna bayaran ko na lang mamaya. Nagkulang kasi money ko pambayad ng tuition. Sagot nya: Wala akong pera eh. I said: Ah okay. Bakit ba sa tuwing nanghihiram ako sayo ng pera laging wala? Babayaran ko naman eh saka para sa tuition ng bata. Sagot nya: Eh sa wala nga eh kung nagsabi ka sana ng maaga di nakapagprepare ako. Sabi ko: May emergency bang prepared? Tapos 500 lang wala ka? Anyway, okay lang. Kaya hindi tayo nagpo-prosper eh kasi magkaiba talaga tayo ng pananaw. Hindi man lang kita masandalan sa konting bagay. Sagot nya: Bahala ka nga. Tapos dun na nagstart na hindi ko na sya muna kinibo dahil sa sama ng loob. Tapos malaman laman ko na lang that day mismo nag-iwan sya ng 3k sa sister kasi may delivery daw sya from lazada which is hindi naman nadeliver that day. It's not about the money, okay. It's about his attitude towards me and to think na hindi naman para sa akin yun kundi para sa tuition ng bata. Maybe I have to learn my lesson talaga kasi hindi lang to ang first time na nangyari.

4. sis aquacharly - sobrang thank you sa tips..to start making our kid's future needs eh ginawa ko na yan on start of 2015. But I will try your approach and hopefully will work on him kasi end of 2015 na eh wala nangyari dun sa plan ko kahit na pinu-push ko syang magbigay. Thank you for your tips. Sobrang helpful.

5. sis/bro patrickcaras - thanks for your inputs. I know men are different from women. But what happened recently is only part of the reason. And to give back the wedding ring to him is not for a drama. I wouldn't do that just for a show  because I believe it's a serious matter. It maybe enough reason to end a marriage but when you are drained and your partner na inaasahan mo will be there for you eh wala naman not for once or twice but for always, it's a different story.

6. sis engr_neechee - thank you for understanding...

[antithesisofbarbie]

hi TS!

nalulungkot naman ako na mabasa yung posts mo. pero have you tried na kausapin siya about this? or hindi talaga siya mahilig makipag usap? ganyan na ba siya when you're still dating?

mahirap kasi na walang communication. plus bakit hindi siya aware sa mga nangyayari sa life ng anak ninyo like due date na pala ng tuition fee payment etc. it's sad lang kasi parang hindi man lang siya involved sa family life ninyo.

maaring he is a good man/ person pero being a good father/husband is another story. you need to talk to him bago mo isoli ang singsing ninyo sis kasi once ginawa mo yan dapat no turning back na talaga kasi napaka sacred ng wedding ring eh db? parang it's a tangible proof ng lahat ng mga vows ninyong dalawa (well opinion ko lang naman ito). 

talk to him. as in talk. yung ilatag mo lahat ng problema at nafefeel mo. direct to the point kasi minsan ang mga lalaki medyo maiksi ang attention span nila specially sa mga "talk" na ganyan..

and compromise. mawowork out pa yan ^_^

[glamorosa_09]

I`m seeing something and it`s just a hypothesis. Drop it if it`s not true or applicable. I`ll try to be as objective as I can and will not put blame in any of the two of you. But of course sa mga ganito, the two spouses are accountable.

Dun sa conversation na sinabi mo, there is a streak of attack-defend in the way you talk to each other. And probably, this pattern of communicating has been embedded in your relationship, lalo na siguro when you`re trying to resolve a conflict. Example sa convo na binigay mo.

You said: (attack) Ah okay. Bakit ba sa tuwing nanghihiram ako sayo ng pera laging wala? Babayaran ko naman eh saka para sa tuition ng bata.

He said: (defend) Eh sa wala nga eh kung nagsabi ka sana ng maaga di nakapagprepare ako.

You said: (attack by criticism) May emergency bang prepared? Tapos 500 lang wala ka? Anyway, okay lang. Kaya hindi tayo nagpo-prosper eh kasi magkaiba talaga tayo ng pananaw. Hindi man lang kita masandalan sa konting bagay.

He said: (ignore/flight) Bahala ka na nga.

But of course, I understand where you`re coming from. Kasi nga you`re emotionally depleted in your relationship. Also, you said, pagod ka na tumayong lalaki, kaya lang baka sya rin, pagod na sya sa pakiramdam na emasculated. There`s a hurt probably in your husband, kaya he built an emotional wall/barrier between the two of you to protect himself emotionally. Hence, the emotional disconnect. Emotionally depledted ka ulit, attack-defend ulit communication. It`s a cycle.

How to deal with this? Between the two of you, somebody must be aware of what`s going on in the relationship. And that somebody, the catalyst of change, must act on that awareness. If you`re that somebody, there`s an ebook here on this married life section that has received positive reviews from the members. You might want to read it. If you haven`t tried it, maybe you could consider,it could improve your marriage.

This relationship doesn`t have to end. Magpapasko na, malamig, wala kang kayakap. Lahat naman talaga ng husband may weaknesses, sometimes it`a just a matter of how the wife accept it and deal with it nang hindi masasaktan yung husband. Sabi nga ng isang author, a man`s ego is as fragile as his balls. So touch it gently and with care.

Also, never make a life-altering decision when your mind is clouded with emotions. There`s a big probability that you`ll make a mistake. If you really want to separate, think about it with a clear mind, and hopefully, after exhausting all your efforts and resources. I`m pro marriage, pero syempre that`s your life.

[stormy_princess]

Thank you sis glamorosa_09. My husband is not a talker talaga. And he hides a lot of things from me.
Pag nagtanong ako laging wala. Then pag nag-insist ako away na kasi hindi sya sasagot.
I know may mali ako. Pero bilang babae sa relationship mas malaki ba pagkakamali ko?
Hindi ko talaga kasi maintindihan eh. I tried to reach out to him even before pero wala rin
ako napapala at ubos na pasensya ko. Dati when were dating pa lang medyo tahimik na sya.
Ngayon na married na he closed his door na talaga. Kaya nga parang pakiramdam ko i'm a one
woman team. Sad but true.

Anyway, thank you so much sa replies. I will try to talk to him tomorrow since walang pasok so
we have the time. Update ko kayo kung ano mangyari. Salamat sa inyong lahat. Merry Christmas:)

[glamorosa_09]

I will try to talk to him tomorrow since walang pasok so
we have the time.

Good for you sis. But like what I`ve said kung may pattern kayo ng attack-defend, wherein ikaw yung nasa attack side, baka walang mangyari. Baka medyo masakit ka magsalita.

Regarding his inability to emotionally connect, kung ganun talaga sya and it`s not about your kind of approach, baka that`s how he grew up. It`s part of his personality.

Good luck and I hope maayos nyo.

[khaleesiCersei]

Sis for me ha, parang may mali dun sa mga na mention mo as examples of him being supportive and mabait.. kasi yung mga sinabi mo na hinahayaan ka niya lumabas etc.. Parang hindi naman pagiging supportive yun, more of he couldnt care less what you do with your time as long as hindi siya mahahassle..kasi he asks you pa to take your kid with you eh, para siguro he has more alone time. Imo he is selfish na self centered pa. Needs and wants lang niya ang importante quesehodang walang pang tuition ang anak nyo. Wala siyang pakelam. Period. Hindi kita masisi kung umaayaw ka na. In marriage and relationships kelangan 2 tao ang nag eeffort to make it work. Hindi isa lang. And if he belittles your achievements and dedma sa feelings mo pati na rin sa needs ng anak nyo eh ano pa silbi niya? Maybe giving him back your wedding ring would be a wake up call for him. He shouldnt take you for granted.

[young_maiden]

Isa ako sa mga nakasubaybay sa mga posts mo dito sa GT, sis. Simula sa naging sakit ng baby mo sa paa hanggang sa marital problems nyo ni hubby mo, nabasa ko. Hindi lang ako nagbibigay ng advice. Pero sis ilang years mo na problema ang ugali ng hubby mo. I'm surprised di pa rin siya nagbabago. Saludo naman ako sa'yo sis dahil natolerate mo iyan sa loob ng 6 years.

Sis, kaya mo ba buhayin ang anak mo kahit hiwalay na kayo? Kung oo, I suggest hiwalayan mo na asawa mo. It takes two to tango para magwork ang marriage. Kung ayaw ng isa mag cooperate, papalpak talaga pagsasama niyo. Saka nakakatrauma din sa bata makita parents niya na hindi magkasundo. Kung ako papipiliin, mas gusto ko na broken family na lang basta tahimik buhay namin kaysa kumpleto nga pero araw-araw naman nag-aaway parents ko.

[Girltalker2]

Ito sinasabi ko na guy, yun tipong magtatanong ka why pa sya nagpakasal in the first place if he doesn't have the intention to raise a loving family or have a loving relationship with the spouse.

[Shadow Angel]

Mahirap naman pilitin ang ayaw makipag cooporate. Nagtataka ako bakit walang pera kahit 500 pero nakakabili ng gamit. I mean basta may pera uubusin tapos hihintayin na lang ng next payday. So wala talaga paki sa future. Think 100 times before making decisions so dahil may mga pagkukulang si partner valid reasons na hiwalayan? Hindi ko sinasabi pagtiisan pero wala na ba talaga ibang way? Nagawa mo na ba lahat? If indeed nagawa mo na lahat para sa pagsasama nyo ikaw lang makakapagsabi kung kaya mo pa? Sa tingin ko bf/gf pa lang may mga signs na ignore na lang thinking na mababago, mahal mo or kaya mo tanggapin tapos in the end hindi pala talaga kaya.

[cruxito]

What you don't get is that there is nothing wrong with your husband. Men are not as sensitive or in-tuned as women. But if you would give back your wedding ring just because you don’t understand basic male psychology then you are the one who has a problem. 

Or maybe there is a much bigger issue which made you decide to return your ring? Or is it just drama/ for show?

really? you need to register just to respond to this issue
http://www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php?action=profile;u=208923

@Topic
akala ko asawa ko si TS hehe... takot ako bibigay na sa akin yung wedding ring namin.hahaha... siguro may side Mister mo na masasabi ko na pareho kami... like buy things na wants namin that you call it as "capricho".. ang sa amin lang ng wife ko wala kaming problema in terms of financial budget since pati long term goal namin is kasama sa hatian... open ako kapag budget pinag uusapan... pero lahat ng wants na binibili ko eh galing naman sa pinag ipunan ko... as in titipirin ko sarili ko para mabili ko yung wants ko... parang school days di ba? maraming mga good response dito ang mga ka sis natin... tapusin ko muna