Our lifetime commitment to our Kids

[Girltalker2]

Hi all, just thought of starting a new thread regarding our kids. Mods let me know if there is a thread on this na, kasi wala ako makita.

Some of you may know my story, but the gist is I ended my 10+ yr marriage because of my ex spouse infidelity (repeated), had my marriage annulled. Took care of my kids on my own in a foreign country. Had my ups and downs - lost my job, and found a man in my life.

Now I'm feeling so down and thought of sharing. I have been planning to stay with my BF, my kids were okay with it. Now that I'm in the midst of planning all this, my son suddenly said he is okay for BF to be around but he still prefers just 'us' on certain times. So he said okay to hangout with BF, but not permanently.

This broke my heart and Told BF about this. Kaso instead of what I expected, for him to be more understanding, he felt rejected. So now he thinks we are better off not together (living together) for the sake of the kids.  I feel so heart broken. 😢

I feel I have to prioritise my kids at my expense, kasi ako lang maaasahan nila. Dati I always thought there should be some balance. Hindi pala. Either/or lang. I know I won't be fully complete, pero ano ba magagawa ko if my kids are not 100% comfy (siguro 60% lang), and because of that my BF doesn't want to force himself as well.

Hirap maging magulang. So helpless.

[Purple_Power]

Even though I cannot relate with your story baka lang your kid has this feeling of jealousy and ang trato pa rin niya sa bf mo is stranger or other people. Is your kid open to the idea na kilalanin rin niya ang boyfriend mo? Sa naiimagine ko naman baka your kid still wants your attention, baka effect rin yan na nasaktan rin siya sa paghihiwalayan niyo ng father niya.

[momentum]

Haven't gone through the same situation like yours TS but I can imaginr nga your heartbreak.. Single mom din kasi ako and that would be one of my fears rin if ever in the future I meet someone else and things become serious

Maybe sis hindi pa ganun kaklose your son/kids kay current bf.. How long have you been together ba and do they also spend a lot of time together para mag bonding? Maybe they need to spend time with him, but with not you around bonding ng mga boys kumbaga.. Para mapalapit pa lalo loob niya sa bf mo

I think just give it time pa sis.. Maybe may trauma pa son mo from your previous marriage. Takot lamg siguro siya maulit what happened..

[glamorosa_09]

Kaso instead of what I expected, for him to be more understanding, he felt rejected. So now he thinks we are better off not together (living together) for the sake of the kids.  I feel so heart broken. 

Actually sis, ang tingin ko, masakit mang isipin, pwede mo itong maging sukatan kung hanggang saan aabot ang pagmamahal sayo ng boyfriend mo. If he could swallow the rejection - the hurt in his ego - for you.

Ano nga ba ang mas masakit, the knowledge that your bf's love is just up to here or the thought of having no lifetime companion?

Like what I've said, I feel that this isn't an either/or situation. The reason it became such is that your boyfriend has unknowingly created this situation.  Though, I don't understand why you can't still be in a relationship without moving in together. Why the need to end the relationship, it's not like your son wants him out of his life. Ayaw pa lang nya ng move in muna.

Indeed, it is heartbreaking. You have invested two years in this relationship. Surely, you have thought him to be the one for you, the lifetime companion that you're yearning for. You have planned for this, finally, you're moving in together and be like a family. Then all of a sudden, because of an unexpected circumtance, your relationship has to end.

Oh wait, based from your PM, is it you who is contemplating that this relationship has nowhere to go because he refused to live-in ever or he's the one breaking it off? as in no relationship anymore.

[ri-anne]

Dilemma of mothers talaga... Once we've become moms, we will never be the same again. Every decision we make we have to think of our kids first, before our own happiness or whatever....

Pero i know of some moms who chose their own lovelife /guy over their kids. Iniwan yung kids sa iba (magulang,kamag-anak etc) so they can be together. They only see their kids whenever. Maybe it's "true love".... *rolls eyes*
If they can do it, then, maybe TS you don't love the guy that much yet....i mean, not enough to choose him over your kids, anyway..

[Girltalker2]

Thanks mga sis for your responses. I'm much better now and was able to agree among ourselves some middle ground.

Sharing a little background din (sorry medyo long). i tried to just post the gist, pero hirap pala iexplain ng di mahaba ang post.

So to add sa initial post ko... This is how the events have transpired:

1. My kids have known BF for a couple of years. Before I started dating (way back 2012 pa, if you can go back to old posts ...), asked kids if okay Mom can meet new friends. They said it is fine. But it took me siguro over a year din before ko pinakilala si BF coz I want to make sure na worth the risk si BF

2. Fast forward... My son blurted out nga na, not too comfy if Uncle is around permanently. Okay lang if he is here once in a while like weekends etc.

3. When I told BF what my son said, bf said iwasan na muna nya mga anak ko as it seems they need space. He has to respect their privacy. And since we have agreed naman talaga long before na kids priority, he has to step back a little. But he said it doesn't mean he is leaving the relationship. He will still be around me, yun nga medyo ilag sya if it concerns the kids as he feels unwelcome.

4. So dito ako nag Isip na it is not workable if they cannot get along. If BF feels awkward na to face the kids as he feels they don't like him, then di naman puede naka split time ko all the time? 3 years and ganito parin? If start ng dating siguro ok lang, but not this point.

5. So at this point, I want to break it off with my BF. Sabi nga ni sis glamorosa, if ganyan sya kababaw, I don't want this relationship. Ni hindi panga kami nag uumpisa living in one roof, ganyan na. What more sa ibang issues pa na daratung?

6. Apparently, my BF was trying pala NOT to tell me something but he eventually did. He said, if you're walking out of this relationship, at the least, you should just know this....

Tinext sya ng anak ko na 'please agree to mom's plan but I'm uncomfy though, don't tell mom.'

Initially he thought, by not telling me, he is protecting my son. Keeping his word. But since sobrang bothered sya dahil First Sa pagkaka slam ko, I'm close to my Son but apparently he was hiding something ('don't tell Mom) so as a Mother, i need to know. Second, I thought of him as feeling mababaw, parang ganito lang, ikasisira na namin.

7. So binalikan ko Anak ko. But I didn't tell him alam ko na tinxt nya BF. I talked to him again trying to understand more.
So assessment ko, yes di sila close Kay BF. But if BF won't make that move to be in the house, they can never bond or be comfortable with each other.
And Isa pa, assessment ko din na my kids don't dislike him. Of course not that they always look for him or so fond of him. But at the least Hindi naman sya kinamumuhian. So I explained to BF the situation. Pero this is very subjective talaga. Ano ba totoong nararamdaman ng kids ko is the key. I try to be open to them. I hope di ako nagkakamali sa pagkakilala ko sa kanila.

Is your kid open to the idea na kilalanin rin niya ang boyfriend mo? Sa naiimagine ko naman baka your kid still wants your attention, baka effect rin yan na nasaktan rin siya sa paghihiwalayan niyo ng father niya.

Yes they are. It is just that we all have very busy schedules.

Maybe sis hindi pa ganun kaklose your son/kids kay current bf.. How long have you been together ba and do they also spend a lot of time together para mag bonding? Maybe they need to spend time with him, but with not you around bonding ng mga boys kumbaga.. Para mapalapit pa lalo loob niya sa bf mo

I think just give it time pa sis.. Maybe may trauma pa son mo from your previous marriage. Takot lamg siguro siya maulit what happened..

Yes they're not as close, kasi I don't want to force the situation. But kids kasi, I think the younger they are, the easier it is to integrate them with a new partner, but as they get into their teen years, Mas reserved na sila.

If they can do it, then, maybe TS you don't love the guy that much yet....i mean, not enough to choose him over your kids, anyway..

Iyan nga, but even if i love him, how can you choose the guy over your kids. Knowing walang ibang maasahan kids no except you.
Kahit naman gawin ko din choosing him over the kids, di ko siguro kaya at di din ako makatulog ng maayos. And I'm sure, di papayag si BF. As he has his own kids din and he knows/ or at least should understand this.

[glamorosa_09]

Sis, I see that you are considering to fight for your bf by talking and clarifying with your son, and clearing any misunderstandings with your bf, just so he could move in with you na. But I hope he's really worth it.

As a future step-dad ba, nakikitaan mo ba sya ng willingness to have a mutually-respectful relationship with your son? I hope when he does move in and the misunderstanding get cleared, your bf will make an effort somehow to get your son's trust, and that eventually, they will get comfortable with each other. Maybe you could read forums or articles on step dad-children relationships.

 Nakaka-turn off kasi na naging parang 'pabebe' sya the time when he received the text from your son. Hindi pa nga nya naiintindihan what your son really meant, he already said hindi na sya mag-mu-move in, and that's final, according to you. Na he will just stay away from your son na lang. For me, hindi concern kung ano nga ba ang totoong feelings ng son mo, but how your bf responded to that. Sabi mo nga,umpisa pa lang ito.

As a partner in life naman, I really hope na mataas ang level of commitment nya. Though, something struck me which made me doubt it (but of course you know him better).

When you posted:

He said, if you're walking out of this relationship, at the least, you should just know this....

and I may be reading it out of its context, but it popped a question in me: ganun ka lang nya kadaling pakakawalan? Tipong, "it depends on you, either you stay or walk out, whatever your decision is, okay lang ako kahit ano." You're not talking about what food to eat, na pwedeng kahit ano ok lang. He needs to have a firm stand of what he wants the relationship to be. Mahal na mahal nyo nga ba ang isa't isa or you're just in a relationship for the sake of companionship? There's  no right or wrong answer, depende naman talaga sa relationship goal niyo.

At tska he's being unfair talaga when he said na hindi na sya mag-mu-move in kahit kailan, if not now. Na it's for your son's sake. Eh pano naman your sake? Your relationship's sake? At tska, he's thinking of avoiding your son na just because of his text. Eh yung son mo nga willing to have him around kahit paminsan minsan lang. Is he doing it out of self-sacrifice or out of his ego, especially alam na ng mga tao around him na he will move in, then biglang hindi.

Sis, I've known you here in GT for quite sometime already. And I sincerely hope for your happiness, that after all you went through in life, you deserve to be happy, to be loved selflessly and genuinely. So I hope, mali yung impression ko of your bf. Kasi if I'm your sister, I am really discouraged of his response. I'd say, please think carefully if he's really worth it.  Of course, I'm just an outsider looking in. Pero Advice nga sa mga magpapakasal: when in doubt don't. Or postpone pansamantala. Kaya lang, parang you don't have the luxury of time.

You know him better. I pray, that the Spirit will guide you always.

[Girltalker2]

^ thanks sis. I will definitely be on the lookout. Cannot have my Guards all down but at the same time, will definitely try to see if it is all worthwhile.

Para sakin, I've survived before without any guy in my life, if he is not worth the trouble, masakit, but if it is for the best, so be it. I continue to pray din for His guidance.

Wish ko lang naman us for the kids to mature to responsible young adults, and for me to be able to live life with meaning din.

Thanks again!

[lovemeagain30]

^ Sis I used to be a single mom nung nakilala ko yung ex bf ko (now hubby). My son was only 4 years old that time. You know how boys are so clingy with their moms di ba? Lalo na wala kaming kasamang lalake sa bahay kasi kaming tatlo lang nuon nina yaya. Sanay siya kami lang lagi ang magkakasama.  So eto na fast forward dumating etong lalaking to sa buhay namin. One day sabi ng anak ko, he likes "Kuya" whenever he visits then kasi mabait daw and plays with him-- but he doesn't want me to end up marrying him.  Eh panahon na yun almost 4 years na kami mag jowa pero not living in. May talks na kami na possibly in the near future we would settle down na. Sinabi ko yung concern ng anak ko sa bf ko, lam mo kung anong ginawa ng asawa ko? He spends more, more and more time with him! He will visits often, makikipag kwentuhan, maglalaro, lalabas sila para kumain at manuod ng sine, the whole nine yards. Whenever we go out of town trips kasama siya and yaya.  Ang reason niya? ang bata aayaw yan sayo makasama ka kapag hindi ka niya kilala. Kaya hindi siya kumportableng sayo. The solution is to get to know them. Pasukin ang mundo nila. Make that EFFORT. Alam mo nagwagi siya, my son fondly calls him Papa now.

Advice ko sis, sa totoo lang sa bf mo dapat manggaling yang effort to get to know your kids and be close to them. If he knows your kids are not comfortable if he's around ang solusyon ba ay umiwas? Siyempre hindi! ang solution is for him to spend more time with them. For them to know that he's such a great man. The challenge is for the kids to see that he's good person not only to their mom but also to them.

Ang bf mo ay adult and your children are still kids. Dapat mas malaki ang pag unawa niya, pag intindi at pagbibigay ng puso niya sa mga eto. After all, he will do these stuff's kasi these kids are your life, and You-- You are important to him. Kung sino ang mga taong mahal na mahal mo, dapat mahalin din niya at kung pede higitan pa. Take for example, KC Montero ex hubby ni Geneva Cruz. I see my husband in him. 

Kung gusto ni bf mo mag live in sana kayo in the future then he have to step up. After all, aware naman yata siya kung anong buhay ang pinapasok niya sayo. Kung ayaw, then wag! meron pang darating na tao who will give that much deserved love to your family. Marami pang darating diyan i swear.

Dagdag ko pa pala, I don't know if you will agree on this pero sa dami na ng napag daaanan mo, you should already be spared from worrying about this kind of situation. Not worth it dear. Kasi ang taong who would like to be part of your life will try his very best to fit in. This what I always advice to my friends who are also single mom's. Kapag may ganyang kalituhan, hindi pa yan ang tamang tao.

[Girltalker2]

^ yes sis, you brought out a good point.  Though I did consider also the argument na parang mas madali ma win over ang 5-6 yo's kesa sa 15-16yo. But I agree with you, dapat may effort, Kung wala, forever Kami stalemate, and this was my argument din na kung di mag I-improve, ayoko forever maipit sa gitna.

In fairness, he likes to go out and invite them. Out of town din. But all my kids want is to stay home and play computer games. I'm not sure if it is my fault din na hinayaan ko sila mag games lagi. anyway, BF is planning another trip w the kids end of the month. Will see how it goes.

[j.adore]

Sana may guy na makapagbigay ng POV. Since our sissies already discussed one side, here are my assumptions on other side:

When you had your BF and are thinking of moving in together as a family, I'm assuming it was already considered that he would be a good father-figure to your children.
Now the problem is your son had a change of heart and you and your BF want to fulfill his wishes. How old is your son BTW?

From your BF's perspective, maybe he's acting like this because he knows your children are your priority? You want to see more understanding and more effort from him to prove how much he loves you.
But what's his proof of YOUR love?

I read in Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood na a husband wants to be the leader and the priority of his wife. Although you're not yet married, maybe it also applies given that you want to start living as a family?

He's also a man with feelings and all. He can't be understanding 100% of the time lalo kung nasaktan siya na hindi pala siya accepted ng son mo.
Now, what does he do after that? He tried to keep his word with your son. He tried to prioritize your children (ready to back down) for you. He's still planning on another trip with the kids.
Seems like he's trying in his own way?

If your son really loves you, he would want you to be happy. Unless this is his way of "testing" how far your BF would go for his love for you, he is also being selfish. I'm sorry to say this pero kung ayaw lang niya just for his own benefit/comfort or di lang niya feel yung BF mo, then he also needs to make an effort on his own.
Unless he thinks your BF is not the man for you?

You want to be a family and this will only work if all of you are committed to being a family.
There should be balance if your kids are into computer games while your BF is into trips. Alternate sa kung ano prefer ng sino as compromise.

I don't believe that having kids as a lifetime commitment means you stop being anything but a mother (marriage is a lifetime commitment too but married women juggle that with other things). A woman needs to be (and become) other things to feel alive.

Hope this is just a phase and things would turn out better for everyone!

[Girltalker2]

^ thanks sis (but nalang di nako muted at immediate na responses ko hehe).

My son is 16yo. I never told him to call my BF 'dad'. Uncle lang. Was also clear he won't be his dad but can be an alternate guardian if I'm not around.

But have you heard of situations whereby nagrerebelde yung anak coz they're from a broken family?

My kids don't despise my BF. That's clear to me as ilan ulit ko na tinanong.

[lovemeagain30]

Your kids ages are 15-16 years old? Hmm, iba nga yan. I thought they're still in grade school.  Pero eto yun sa age nila, mas madali na sila kausapin about love life. Usually boys talaga ay seloso, no matter what age they are when it comes to their mom's. possessive talaga yan sila lalo nat you're family came from a rough patch with their dad, understandable na they will be so protective of you.

Kaya nga kayo magli live in ni boyfie is to get the feel on how to be a family with him di ba? So yeah your man will need to make effort to fit in with your boys. After all that's what Dad's do, they bond with the kids.  If it will help maybe you can talk to your children as well to give your boyfriend a "chance" kahit konti lang and make them understand this man makes you happy.

Give it time. Hirap isiksik ang living in situation na yan when both parties are not yet ready. While waiting for the right time to happen siyempre kailangan din may kumilos at hindi naman pababayaan lang.   

Konti nalang sis your children will be come adult and they will be more understanding to you lalo na pag sila mismo nagkaron na ng sarili nilang relationship. Iba na yun kapag full blown adult na sila at ayaw pa nila sa setup na gusto mo. yun pede ka ng magalit! hehe.