I was not the type to give second chances but I thought it was worth another try with you. Most of my pals disagreed, saying that it was most likely another road to heartbreak land but I did not want to have any more what-ifs.
This was my chance to actually do something, and not just be very passive like I was when we were together the first time.
So I took another risk.
We became more open with each other the second time around. We tried to put in more effort. You became more affectionate, and I became more honest about my thoughts and feelings.
Truth be told, I thought that we finally learned from our past mistakes.
But then, somewhere along the way, things started to get murky.
Eventually, you were becoming distant and privy. I started to be unhappy and I was starting to be afraid na parang bumabalik na naman eyeing past mistakes natin.
Anyway, to make the long story short, it just did not work out again.
Why?
I guess it's not a case of bad timing anymore.
It's because you were never really sure about me. Confusion and anger clouded my thoughts for a short while until I mustered up the courage to have the talk with you.
Right then and there, I knew we had to let each other go again.
Yes, you may have liked me but maybe it wasn't enough. Cos if you really did, you would not have had second thoughts about me.
You were never really sure, and as much as I had a lot of good times with you, I just could not keep up anymore.
We had to stop whatever it was we were having.
I had to do it for myself, for my own freedom and peace of mind. I had to accept that I could not be with someone who's not sure about me.
I had to accept that maybe you could just not really see a future with me.
It's not you, it's not me. Maybe it just wasn't really a match.
My friends wanted to strangle me for two things:
1) For giving you a second chance
2) For not getting mad at you after what you did to me
They were wrong about the second thing. I was actually mad at you, but I just learned to let it go. I could not stay mad at you for too long, and I hated myself for it at times.
When I think about it now though, I guess it's because it's not worthy of my time to be angry about it anymore. It was enough for me that I was able to assert myself to you.
At least this time around, I know I did something about it. No more what-ifs.
Honestly, I think I felt better the second time we "broke up". I'm not saying that it didn't hurt cos it still did.
But then as crazy as it may sound for others, I don't regret every single moment we've spent together. They don't know you like I do, anyway.
Our movie sessions, for saving my a** in video games, the food trips, the random conversations and for the times you've kept me warm with your affection--- I will miss them all.
But I have to let them go now. For real.
I need to master the art of letting go. This is the last time that I'll be writing about you too (hopefully).
It's for the best.
And I guess this is where I could finally say, "She lost him, but she found herself. And somehow, that was everything."
