Money matters in marriage

[wandergirl1980]

Actually, hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang title na ilalagay ko sa thread na ito. All I know is that my sentiment is related with money. A few days ago, hubby asked me to withdraw a portion from his salary. He said I can use half of the amount to buy the things I need for baking. Half lang of that amount ang nagamit ko and since binigay naman niya naisip ko hindi naman siguro masama if ipambibili ko ng shoes ng anak namin yung part nung natira.

Come evening, I gave him all the sukli and reported everything I bought. I said na binilhan ko nga ng shoes yung anak namin. He said "magtipid ka naman." For some reason, I felt bad hearing those words. Hindi dahil magastos ako but because I took it as parang nilustay ko yung binigay niya.

For the record, I don't ask money from him. I work and buy my own stuff. So for him to say that, na-offend lang talaga ako. Di ako nakatulog...LOL. Kinabukasan I was still thinking about it. Parang feeling ko ang laki ng nagawa kong kasalanan and I couldn't look him in the eye. I said, I will return the money you gave. Then I went silent mode. Di talaga ako maka-get over. So siya rin di na niya ako pinansin.

Two days later, I just couldn't take the silence anymore, I approached him calmly, sabi ko na-offend lang naman ako sa sinabi mo. Ang reply niya, kung pera mo ang ginagastos mo wala kang maririnig sa akin, pero kung pera ko dapat mag-paalam ka. Another offensive words. Sabi ko "never ako nanghingi sayo ng pera. Ikaw ang ang nagbigay nun. Kahit salary mo hindi ko sinasabi sayo na i-remit mo sa akin, pag may bayarin sinasabi ko sayo, never ako kumuha sa salary mo ng hindi mo alam. Bakit ngayon parang pinalalabas mo ginagastos ko ang pera mo."

Sorry mga girls, pero talagang hindi ko na napigilan. Lumapit na nga ako to make amends tapos ganun pa talaga ang maririnig ko. So ngayon hindi pa rin niya ako pinapansin. And I felt I've done my part of saying pasensya na. Pero siya, ewan he's so ma-pride. Ni hindi marunong humingi ng sorry nasanay na ata ng ako ng ako ang lumalapit.

Minsan naiisip ko masyado lang ba akong naging sensitive?

[j.adore]

Baka you need to retake that discussion about money and regular expenses in the family? Also, how do you record yours and your husband's finances? Generally, masasabi mo ba na magastos kayo as a family?

Mukhang may expectation na, as a wife, dapat marunong ka magbudget.

It seems there's a miscommunication somewhere along the line kasi you know he gave you money to spend yet he was saying you need to be more thrifty.
He hasn't apologized and he won't if he doesn't he think he did anything wrong. Trying his POV, you got money and spent it on wants rather than needs. When he called you out on it, you did the silent treatment, confronted him, then back to silent treatment. (I THINK HA? parang ganito yun kung nakikipagmatigasan siya until now)

Also, am I correct to assume na calm yung paglapit mo sa kanya pero hindi namaintain yung calmness all throughout the discussion?
Probably he saw it as confrontational. Parang may hint of "sumbat" yung spiel mo even if you didn't intend it to be that way. Sometimes it happens lalo pag may hurt pa.

Were you too sensitive? Not really and it's normal to be offended every now and then.
Siguro yung mga nangyari afterwards lang eh saka na naging issue? -- di nakatulog, couldn't look him in the eye, return the money, silent mode, expect him to apologize, etc.

Eto pa pala, nabasa ko na pagkauwi ng husband after a long day at work, it's best if he's cared for. So mukhang pagod at grumpy siya kaya niya nasabi yun. Kaso naoffend ka niya so you weren't able to become his "safe haven".
Sorry kung di ko yata naexplain ng maayos? Might be better if you check Secrets of a Fascinating Wife

Anyway, have a sit-down and talk to your husband again once you're sure both of you are relaxed (wag pag pagod from work) and really open to discuss finances.

[wandergirl1980]

Thanks, sis! When it comes to our finances hindi talaga kami nag-a-accountingan kasi maliwanag naman sa amin kung anung bills ang binabayaran ng bawat isa. In fairness to him, he takes care of all the mabibigat na bayarin like house rent, grocery, daughter's tuition fee, and even yung mga kain namin sa labas. While I pay the smaller bills kasi alam naman din niya kung magkano ang sweldo ko. Kaya hindi ko rin naging ugali na manghingi sa kanya lalo na pagdating sa mga wants lang kasi---out of hiya na rin siguro.

Magastos ba kami as family? Magastos pagdating sa food I would say. Kasi ayaw niyang kumakain sa mga fastfood pag lumalabas kami. Ako OK lang mas gusto ko nga yung simpleng pagkain eh.

Kung expectation sa pagba-budget ang pag-usapan hindi nga kasi namin naging systema yung magbibigay siya ng money sa akin and I will do the budgeting. He handles his own money...I tell him how much ang bills. If he asks me to pay something, I make sure he knows I'm getting money and how much. Kung sasabihin na I ask money to buy clothes, shoes, etc. hindi naman masyado na siyang maraming ginagastos para iasa ko pa sa kanya yun.

Even after I talked to him, I make sure na ayain pa rin siyang kumain at magpa-alam sa kanya if I'm going somewhere, out of respect na lang din. Siya out the door talaga no pansin...nakakalokah. Minsan tuloy naiisip ko ang tingin ata nito sa akin personal assistant niya hahaha. Basta hurt talaga ako lalo na di niya ako pinapansin. Inaantay niya talaga ako pumasin. Pero paano siya mag-ma-mature kung laging siya ma-pride?

[wandergirl1980]

I forgot...yes, calm naman ako the whole time na nilapitan ko siya to talk and explain my feelings. Ayaw ko na sana mag-focus sa mga reactions niya pero sakit lang na nakikita ko na hindi talaga siya papatibag kakainis na ewan.

[quinone]

parang he didn't really expect you to spend the money he gave? maybe he was thinking na ise-save mo at gagamitin sa mga talagang importanteng baking tools/ingredients? like yung pagbili mo ng shoes sa anak niyo, hindi niya inexpect yun kasi hindi naman kailangan? hindi siguro yun shopping money sis?

sorry wala ako ma-advice. yan lang first impression ko sa initial na kwento mo.

[lovemeagain30]

You bought shoes para sa anak "ninyo" right?? I mean hindi lang sa anak mo di ba? Single mom kasi ako before I got married and had another child right now with my hubby, that's why i just want to make sure we're not on the same scenario. 

Usually if I buy some things to "our" children now, if it's spare money my husband won't mind. he would usually says "mabuti napagkasya mo yung pera!".. ganun din siguro ang reaction ko if I give money to him for an errand tapos nakabili pa siya something for our kids out of that. We usually don't expect sukli with each other kapag may binigay na kami sa isa't isa na allowance.. let's say nagbigay nako ng X amount of money sakanya as money gift eh bahala siya dun kung ano man gastusin niya! ganun din siya sakin. Pero kung expected namin na may pag gagamitan kami ng sukli, we bluntly says to each other "OY wag kang tirador ah.. soli mo sakin yung sukli!". 

Naninibago lang ako sa reaction ng hubby mo, hindi naman kasi laruan lang yung binili mo para sabihin nagsasayang ka ng pera.. it's shoes naman. Do you also have a mutual agreement with him na hindi ikaw ang hahawak ng sahod niya? Na may assigned utility bills lang kayo pero hindi niyo pakikialaman ang pera ng isa't isa? Mabuti okay lang sayo? 

Western culture have this kind of setup pero not the Pinoy way nga lang. Before ganyan ang asawa ko nung bf-gf palang kami at newlyweds, ayaw niyang sinusurrender ang sahod niya sakin. kaso kalaunan he figured it out na mas magaling ako mag budget sakanya kaya lahat sakin na nakintrega.  Kung may OT/holiday pay siya, yun ang hindi ko na pinapakialaman but the rest ako ang humahawak ng budgeting samin. Mas nakakaipon kasi kami as a family sa ganun. Saka mas feel na feel ko ang pagiging 'ilaw ng tahanan'!hahaha. that's just me ah. nasabi ko rin sakanya before na it doesn't feel right to me and kanya kanya kami handle ng aming salapi. gusto ko joint kami hehe

I don't know where your husband's emotions coming from, ikaw makakapag sabi niyan kasi mas kilala mo siya. may pinag iipunan ba siya? ineexpect ba niyang mag sasabi ka lagi kung ano mga binili mo from the money he gave you? pano nalang if you happen to like a red lipstick on that moment at the store, magagalit ba siya?

[simang]

A few days ago, hubby asked me to withdraw a portion from his salary. He said I can use half of the amount to buy the things I need for baking. Half lang of that amount ang nagamit ko and since binigay naman niya naisip ko hindi naman siguro masama if ipambibili ko ng shoes ng anak namin yung part nung natira.

So he asked you to withdraw X amount of money, then told you to use half of X to buy your baking stuff. You did just that, and then since may another half pa natira, you bought a pair of shoes for your kid, tama ba?

Baka miscommunication lang -- like he asked you to withdraw X amount, use half of it, and maybe may iba pa dapat paglalaanan ng other half? Was it clear na you can use the whole amount? Or sinabi nya talaga sayo ng half of X lang ang gamitin mo specifically for your baking?

[glamorosa_09]

So nasaktan ka sa comment nya na "magtipid ka naman," kasi ang automatic interpretation nito sa iyo ay "nilulustay mo yung pera." This is offensive for you kasi wala itong batayan. Sabi mo nga, you rarely ask for his money. But I'm guessing that what's hurting you here is your automatic interpretation of his comment, na "magtipid ka naman." How did he say it ba, pagalit? Nagtaas ng boses? Na hindi naman natural sa kanya?

If di naman pagalit or normal sa kanya yung ganong tono, as far as I know, men stick to the here and now, so he's probably talking about that certain money for baking na "sana tinipid mo yung pera inallot ko for baking." Period. That's it, no hidden meaning, no reference to the past and future. And then women, on the other hand (as far as I know), are fond of connecting past-present-future, kaya ang dami mo nang naisip about that 3-word comment.

Another point I want to raise is the conflict management you have. You were offended, that's your feelings, it's not wrong, baka di ka lang nakapagreflect about his comment, kung ano nga talaga laman nun, o baka naman wala talagang laman. You mentioned lagi na lang ikaw ang nauuna mag-approach. Sya ma-pride. So I assume this is the pattern in your relationship?

So ano talagang nag ba-bother sayo, the conflict management pattern or the money thing? Baka may iba pa syang ugali na maramot, mahilig magkwenta na nagbabother din sayo?

[ri-anne]

I don't know how you & your hubby resolve conflicts kasi iba iba ang dynamics kada-relationship...kaya i'm confused bakit galit(?) at hindi namamansin ang asawa mo.

Kausapin mo na lang ulit sya and ask him what's bothering him.
Ano kaya sis, try mo ibalik sa kanya yung amount na nagastos mo for your kid's shoes. Tell him, "Ayan na yung <insert amt> na nagamit ko pambili sa sapatos ng anak natin....dahil dyan nagkakaganito tayo? Ganito lang ba kababaw relationship natin? Sana naman hindi...."
Naks..drama hehe

[Girltalker2]

^ you have a point. Just for a pair of shoes?

Worse is, he is preserving his silence and unable to express what he wants to happen next. Ni di man lang magsabi - I'm still upset but we need to talk when I've mellowed down. Or let's discuss money matters to avoid the same issues next time.

Tapos ganyan umasta. Kung ako so TS, away nga mapapala nya sakin.

TS, suggestion ko lang, mukhang miscommunication ito, both you and hubby should agree to air things calmly. Nang di lumaki ang issue.

Iba iba tayo ng style of spending and saving. And importante sa mag asawa tandem kayo and in agreement otherwise lagi kayo magkaka issue on this.

Pero if you ask me, I would not advice buying a pair of shoes for your child. Yes anak din nya yun, but honestly speaking, style ko kasi is not buying so much things for kids that they DONT NEED. Especially during their growing years. Mabilis sila lumaki, 6 months lang, yung binili mong shoes di na kasya. And it is not as if araw araw sya lumalabas. Lalo pa kung hindi sya school shoes. So maybe from this pov maintindihan mo takbo ng utak ng hubby mo. For me, your money or his, it is a magastos thing to do. But as I've said, it can be relative.

[wandergirl1980]

Thanks sa POV mga sis...medyo na-busy kaya ngayon lang ako nakabalik.

Anyway, yung binili ko naman shoes sa anak namin eh di naman mahal saka kaya ko lang siya binilhan kasi sira na yung shoes na ginagamit niya every Friday sa school kaya wala na talaga siyang magamit.

Ang expectation kasi ni hubby pagdating sa mga miscellaneous expenses like clothing ng bata, school supplies, leisure books ako talaga which I don't mind.

Yung naman na ginamit ko pambili ng shoes ng anak namin is part ng pera na binigay niyanh pambili ko ng baking supplies.

Kahapon umuwi siya may dala siyang food na inoffer sa akin. Tanung ko ano yan? Sabi niya para sayo bati na tayo. Syempre sabi ko mag-sorry ka naman kasi nasaktan talaga ako sa sinabi mo. Nag-sorry naman pero may kasamang explanation na bakit daw kasi bumili pa ako ng di naman kasama sa usapan. Sabi ko naman o wag na natin pahabain tutal binalik ko naman na sayo lahat ng binigay mong pera. Sabi niya sumama din daw luob niya kasi di naman daw niya sinabi na ibalik ko yung mga ginastos ko.

Hindi naman siya maramot. Hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan minsan yung pananaw niya sa mga bagay-bagay.

[ri-anne]

that's good....buti bati na kayo sis! ok lang yang mga ganyang misunderstanding at conflicts sa relationship...ang importante is how you overcome those conflicts and learn from it para hindi na maulit sa susunod

[Twinkle28]

Hi sis baka kasi bilang padre de pamilya feeling nya kailangan niya malaking savings para sa family nya. Baka nasa kanya ang pressure. Yung hubby ko sis nung mag bf gf palang kami sobrang galante sya. Nung nag wowork pa ko as flight attendant, parati yan sumusunod sa mga layover flights ko pag sa Asia. Nung kinasal na kami he asked me to stop working kasi plan namin mag baby. So okay i stopped pero nag business ako. Hindi naman nya ako pinag sshare sa gastos, pero napansin ko grabe sumobrang tipid sya... Grrrr. Feeling ko tinitipid ako. Sya naman sumasagot LAHAT ng expenses namin pero ako taga budget. E yung binibigay nyang budget sa kin for the whole month 1/8 lang ata ng income from his business. So feeling ko ang sobra naman kinikita pero lahat tinitipid nya. Never ako nag ask why sya matipid na ganun. Hindi ako nag complain. He works harder pa. Nag add ng two more business pero yun budget ganun pa din. Then after a year, nagka usap kami about our savings. (His money pero gusto nya our savings daw while mine is mine lang daw😄) mataas ang presure sa kanya kasi 1 year old palang anak namin 40yrs old na sya. Kailangan nya i secure future. Kumuha sya ng mga investment plans for us, for our baby, bumili sya farm. So me reason naman pala kaya sobrang tipid nya. Baka si hubby mo bilang responsableng padre de familia, e ganun din sya feeling nya nasa kanya yun pressure na  i secure ang future ng family.