Mga sis, how did you know that your bf/hubby was the one? At what certain point did you tell yourself, “Ok, it’s him, it’s finally him?” Or did you ever come across that feeling at all?
I asked this because I’ve been going crazy over the past few days. I have always shared my love life stories on GT, and most of them were about my failed relationships, so-called relationships and no relationship at all. Nauumay na ang ibang GTers sakin. Hahaha!
I’ve been into several relationships, and most of them failed because I was afraid of marriage. I never wanted to be married. It wasn't part of my dreams. I couldn’t imagine myself being tied to someone for the rest of my life, which always made me question myself why I bothered entering those relationships in the first place. Maybe I was hoping and looking for someone who could change my mind about marriage, or if not, who would agree to be with me without any legal ties. The only exception was my last relationship which ended last year due to cheating.
A few months ago, I entered into a short-lived, long-distance so-called relationship when I traveled to Malaysia and met this very good-looking man. Now I am sure that I fell in love with the face and with the idea of having someone I wished to be the right one. The relationship didn’t even last for one month. I knew there was something wrong even from the start. The distance, culture difference, religion, beliefs, communication – name it, there was the disconnect. But then again, I pushed myself to believe that all of these were nothing when it comes to love. Who was I to fool but myself. I decided to go back to Malaysia to try to spend a few days (Friday to Monday) with him and wing it from there.
When I came to Malaysia, everything that happened was out of plan. He picked me up from the airport as planned, we traveled from the airport to Kuala Lumpur as planned, and I went to my hotel and he went home on his own, not as planned. During that time there was a big protest in several parts of the city, and buses and trains were on strike. Hence, he had to go back to his place because he would be having problems commuting to work if he stayed with me. The entire weekend, I didn’t see him and planned to meet on Monday instead, my last day (I was going home to Pinas on Tuesday). And on that eventful weekend, I met a new friend, Rizi. He was a part-time receptionist at the hotel where I stayed in. He is a student and a college employee at the same time. He only had to do a favor for a friend who works at the hotel, and so he worked there that night. It was Friday.
There was nothing special. It was the most ordinary night and the most ordinary thing when you give your booking copy to the staff and he gives you the key and says goodnight. The following morning, Saturday, I was having coffee at the front yard, thinking of how I would spend the weekend alone, and Rizi was having his coffee, too. He asked me something, I replied, and that exchange went on for a good 2 hours. He was supposed to go home at 8am, and we were talking until before 10am. I was amazed because not all men can talk to me straight for hours because they usually find me too blunt and intimidating, like nakakalalake. And here was someone who seemed to be enjoying the conversation. So I told him why I was in KL – I was chasing a love, and that it was a bad timing because of the protest. To make this story short, I spent the entire Saturday and Sunday with him on a friendly date. He showed me around the city, ate some local food, went shopping but most of the time was spent talking. We talked about a lot of things, nonsense and sensible stuff. And I enjoyed it. We talked about ourselves, our culture, our religions, our beliefs, everything that was different about us, and we found ourselves agreeing on things , debating on some. I was just glad to have found a new friend.
Monday, the bf and I met. It was a disaster. He only wanted to spend time with me in the hotel. He didn’t want to go out because he was tired from work. So the day was spoiled, but I tried to make the moment was worth the wait. But it was not. No conversation. Only kisses. Hugs. Intimacy. I was looking for the connection, I couldn’t find it. In the afternoon, he decided to leave and promised to come back at night, but he didn’t. I was so upset. It was my last night, and he didn’t come back. And then I was surprised when Rizi came at the hotel. He said he remembered it was my last night and so he dropped by. His presence didn’t light up my mood, though. I even didn’t want to talk to him, but he didn’t leave. He said he thought I could use a friend since I was in a bad mood. So I told him all my frustrations and my feelings. He absorbed everything. I told him I didn’t want to fall in love again, or make myself believe that I was in love.
The next day, early morning Tuesday, I flew back to Pinas. The first message I received at the airport was from Rizi; second was from the absentee bf. I broke up with the bf because I had found my answer already. And then I thanked Rizi for the friendship and told him that I needed to heal, fix the broken me because no one could fix me for me but myself. He never left me, though, until he confided his feelings but promised not to push it if it would only hurt me. I pushed him away because I was afraid to hurt him. I had no feelings for anyone anymore, and yet I felt that I was broken. He stayed. We talked every day, almost the whole day even at work. We talked like how we did in KL – about anything and everything. Then I found myself laughing again, every day was bright. Someone could make me so much happy. And then it hit me. I fell. I just fell. And it wasn’t like the previous ones that I had to force myself, that I had to extract my feelings. It was different this time, like everything was so right. I mean, I’ve been into different relationships, but this is the FIRST time that I felt this way. Something I can’t explain, and it’s driving me nuts. Yes, we only talk through chat and video and audio calls, but I could feel the nearness, the feelings, it was all real. It is real. And for the first time, I can look at someone and think 50 years down the road, I can still look at him. I can think about changing my last name into his last name without feeling the cringe. I tried to attach his last name to mine, and it made me smile. Why???
I know it’s a long story, mga sis. I’m not rushing things. I’m actually taking it slow, but then my feelings are overflowing. I can sleep without any worries. I sleep with a smile on my face. I sleep feeling the love. I work with a light feeling. I could tell him all day that I love him, which I never did before. It’s like everything was new with him. And I’ve never felt so loved and cared for like this. With him I can be myself. I can show him the ugly side of me and still be loved. Like he appreciates my flaws and always finds something beautiful in my ugliness.I know it’s too early. But it still feels so amazing. I do feel he is the one. I believe that when I chased the wrong love, I ended up finding the right one.
