I was 13 when I met you. We fell in love and distance was a challenge for us. But the love we felt was so intense, it was crazy, young love… it was real. That was the time when only a phone call is what keeps our relationship together and the love we share. We personally met a year after and my feelings suddenly change, I was unsure… I thought we were too young to think that what we have was forever. I'm sorry; I was the one who gave up... I didn't fight longer to keep our relationship. You were my first love.
Years passed, I was moving on with life, graduated high school, going through college and studied in Manila. I never had the means to contact you, until then there’s Friendster. It didn’t matter to me yet because we were tied up on our relationships, school and time just passed… we lost contact again.
Sometime seven years ago you looked for me again, I was looking for you too. I had the oddest name so no one can find me. A friend of mine found you in Facebook, where eventually you stopped looking for me. And so I said “Hi!”. We talked for the very first time and everything felt the same, the sound of your voice, the feeling, everything flash backed. I was still in love with you. I could not contain the excitement I felt and the feeling longing for you every day, I know you somehow feel something too but never really told me. Just the thought of you wanting to find me should mean something, somehow. But time was never been really on our side. You were in a relationship and pursuing med school because you were so passionate about being a doctor, I was single and was focused on my career as a designer.
You told me, "sana hindi na ako mawala ulit.." and I've always hold on to that thought.. I told myself I will be here when the time comes you’ll be ready. We lived in two different worlds and never saw each other even if we wanted too until one day you shut me off your life, I can no longer contact you in Facebook. it was difficult and heartbreaking and so I just moved on. You were there on and off. Life was hard on you, juggling med school, issues and in the middle of that you met someone new again (only in the end she left you for a doctor, a couple of years after). I was out of the picture again, You told me, you did that to protect me…It was never really meant to be, the timing was always not right.
A year ago from today, "hinanap mo na naman ako.." I asked myself.. "baket na naman?" what more can you possibly do to me that for all these years I've never really moved on from you "pero Inaantay pa rin kita, hanggang ngayon". That was all just in the back of my mind. But I was brave enough to telI you, “Andiyan ka na naman, ginugulo mo na naman ang buhay ko..” We talked again and finally met. It made it even more difficult for me because I thought I was over you and seeing you again for the first time after 17 years was nerve wrecking and hard.. I thought maybe this is the time you're finally ready to be with me and we will have our second chance. I was even ready to give up my 4-year relationship because it’s always been you. But you told me you were still nursing your broken heart and getting ready for the boards. I tried to be there for you and be a friend supporting you all the way, our communication was constant then.
August came 2015, so as the boards. I send you random good luck messages from time to time and keep you inspired, as much as I did not want to disturb you because I wanted to give you the time to focus. I want you to finally make the dream come true. I prayed and prayed because I know this is what you always wanted. A day after boards, you called me. We talked longer than we used too. You were so happy and finally free, all those years in med school finally paid off. That time, a lot of things run through my head, I must be special to you because you thought of calling me. In a couple of days the results will come out. I said to myself, you will make it.. and even if you don’t I will still love you this much whatever happens.. and now you’re finally a doctor.
To my first love, I love you still after 18 years… but you never really knew. I don’t want you to live alone, I want you to grow old with someone and share your future with. I want you to be happy and find the love that will complete you. Even if it hurts, all I wish for you now is your happiness, even if it’s not with me. I’ll no longer dream of us together, think about WHAT IFs, or even get excited when you talk to me. I will slowly distance myself from you until you realize I am no longer there anymore, maybe unfriend you if that helps. I loved you so much but you just lead me on thinking that we will have our second chance. As much as I wanted to be a part of your life, I think it’s time I should finally wake up, move on and learn to let you go, even if I still love you. I’ve waited so long to tell you this, I have learned to accept what we have before was history and just my idea of forever.
