Show me something I do not see

[vermich]

Hi girl talkers! I hope I get to hear opinion from people who doesn't know me personally. I am having a dilemma with my partner and his ex gf. I may not be thinking or maybe seeing something or not seeing something here.

They are officemates but with different accounts and different floors. Every now and then they see each other sa elevator and nagkakayaan na magsmoke sa smoking area or so with other friends. This started happening months ago. Prior to that they also get to talk about office stuff thru company email and chat. For me its nothing malaki naman ang tiwala ko kay partner, I do not know the girl personally but I hear stories about her from their common friends and from my partner as well.

There was a time na nagvacation kami ng mga anak ko sa province nila during summer, We went there earlier kasi hindi sya pwede kaagad sumunod dahil hindi naapprove ang leave nya. During that time inaya sya ni ex gf for a smoke late night na yun since his shift ended at midnight. So nagusap sila ang nagkamustahan ng maayos and nagkaroon ng update sa mga buhay buhay nila. At the end of the meet they kissed, accdg kay partner it was just a smack na walang meaning sa kanya at nagulat din sya sa nangyari hindi sya nakareact. He just left and went home after and forgot about the incident.

So they still chatted over emails and office communicator about work and was planning get together ng mga batchmates nila from work. Until one day I encountered a viber misscall from the exgf and several messages saying "I miss you" "mwah" and sweet messages that are meant for bf-gf. My partner doesn't install his viber sa phone nya but in our laptop which I accidentally opened. These messages were not read until I accidentally opened the application.

SO I confronted my partner about these messages and he said he didn't know about them (of course wala syang viber app until he gets home) He sheepishly admitted they were talking about office stuff and meeting every now and then with friends from work and that they kissed from the last meeting na sila lang dalawa. He talked to the exgf and apparently exgf was trying to get him back thru those meetings they were having.

She is now messaging me na pakawalan ko na si partner para they can try out and make their relationship work again after 4yrs na ''cool off'' daw nila. Galit na si partner and had her blocked sa FB and deleted chat apps na meron pa syang existing sa phone nya to prove he doesn't chat with the ex. I do not see their office comunicator kasi sa office lang yun accessible. This girl is telling me they have a relationship talaga and iba daw yun sinasabi ni partner sa akin. They usually kiss and flirt wiht each other and thats normal between them. Si partner naman denys they talk often sa communicator nila. May tiwala sana ako pero day by day I am getting doubts na rin. I know hindi dapat iniisip ang  messages ni exgf nya pero I do not know the whole story between them aside from what partner tells me. Naiisip ko rin bakit tinatago nya sa akin na they still talk or have get togethers every now and then. hindi naman ako selosa.

I am torn na, I am also getting cold feet to finally getting married to him in December. Parang ayoko ng ituloy, alam ko iiyak ang mga parents namin at buong angkan nila if I do backout, pero I feel so confused na and wala akong mapagsabihan ng nararamdaman ko.

Whenever I do they just say trust my partner wala lang yun.. pero what can I say. I am a work at home mom at wala akong alam sa nakikita nila. most of my friends here in Manila are his friends long before we met, feeling ko niloloko din ako. Gusto ko na lang umuwi sa amin sa States with my kids and start over without him. Alam ko may mali, I wanted to talk to the girl but it may make it worse. Torn na ako what to do.

[Girltalker2]

TS, Ilan months nalang pala wedding nyo. Para sakin, he has to make the girl stop. Either that or huwag na muna ituloy ang kasal. If you're getting married, dapat 101% buo loob mo, not like this.

[aquacharly]

I see no value in talking to the malandi.

Loving someone always involves a leap of faith.
Well, you just gotta have faith that he is in your relationship for the long run.
You just gotta have faith that he will never forget he has responsibilities to his family (you and the kids).
In short, you just gotta trust him if he says he is not into any monkey business with his ex.

Now, I am curious:  IF your wedding/marriage does not push through -- why do you say his family and his whole angkan eh iiyak if you back out.  What is in it for them?
What should make you get married or back out is what YOU feel is best for you; to hell with what others may think/feel.
 
But their iyakan isn't really what is important -- do you feel like you want to back out?  Why?  kasi you see mamaws?  Why???  Hasn't he reassured you enough, and done whatever to cut off personal chats with this malandi?   Is your love and kids not a strong reason enough for you to take that leap of faith?  Did he show any signs of infidelity before this, that's why you're kinda running scared??

"Mga anak mo" -- you mean to actually say:  Mga anak nyo.  Tama ba?
IMO, a  woman with kids -- does not just easily give up on a relationship with the father of her kids -- just because an itchy woman is verbally harassing her.     

Why don't you clarify further your real issues?   
What is really bugging you?     
Why do you doubt your hold on him nowadays?  After x no. of years, and x no. of kids with him, what really is at the root of your doubts now???
Therein, in your answer to that question, lies the guide to what you should do now.

Take care of yourself.  Do not let your emotions run wild.  Do not let your emotions  cloud your thinking. 

[vermich]

Thank you for pointing that out -- yes mga anak namin. I say they may magiiyakan na sila kasi this is the 2nd time we have planned to get married. Nun una kasi I found out my side gf pa pala sya aside from me, so umuwi ako with our eldest sa states dahil di ko kinaya yun this is midway to our marriage ceremony 2weeks na lang kasal na namin sana. He then broke it off with the girl and aminado naman akong nagbago sya with the help of his own family. Sinuyo nya ulit ako at eto may baby pa kami ngayon.

As I told him kulang lang siguro assurance nya it will never happen again. Maybe what's really bugging me is that after all these years bakit ngayon pa lalabas ang ex nya to try win him back. He assured me he won't go back to his ex dahil nag 2 time din si ex nya and napaka selfish nga nya na partner during their time. Kahit sya din puzzled bakit now lang yan, taken from his own words "Kung nangangati sya di ko na problema yun"

Yun masyado lang din akong nahurt sa nangyari sa first time nalaman ko he was cheating on me behind my back. Old wounds seem to open up again.

Thank you for replying girls. And yes I don't see a point in talking to the girl although sinuggest na yan ng mil ko to do so para hampasin ng mabigat literally and figuratively yun babae na ayaw naman sa kanya ng anak nya. Pero I do not think ako ang dapat gumawa nun. Gigil na gigil na family ni partner sa kanya maybe because on how unhappy I felt these past few weeks.

[vermich]

Buong angkan nya at family ko iiyak na kasi for them everything is almost perfect kasal na lang kulang. Para atang mas excited pa silang makasal kami than me.. haha

[Girltalker2]

TS, I really don't know, but coming from a broken marriage because of infidelity, parang nightmare for me to get married in Pinas kasi. Para sakin, it is one of the biggest mistakes I've made.
Why not get married in the U.S. nalang?  Or why not move there altogether para maka focus kayo sa isa't isa in building a family with lesser distractions? Seems You call US your 'home' naman din.

Sometimes in these situations, if you look at the short term, you have to go through the wedding Kasi dami na na-invite at preps. But in the long run, if there is some shadow of doubt, parang it is not wise to get married, at least for now. IMHO lang naman.

[vermich]

Nagusap kami ng masinsinan ni partner as he knows my hesitiation to get married just because of this recent brouhaha. Napaisip din ako sa sinabi nya it doesn't matter saan kami ikasal what matters is how we will be building our family together. Naiyak din ako kasi long term ang iniisip nya. He even gave me go signal if I do not want to get married ngayon we can again cancel it. Baka daw i needed more time to think and reflect.

Ngayon ko lang din narining he is willing to go everywhere and do everything mabalik lang nya ang full trust ko sa kanya. Parang ang selfish ko pala if I only listen to myself lang about this.

[j.adore]

Actions versus words

See how he builds your trust again and go from there. How much sacrifice is he willing to do to make you feel secure?

Do not ever get married with a tiny hint of doubt.

[junetwentythree]

This dude has a history of side chicks and you keep making babies with him? And now you wanna marry him? I might be missing something here but is that the kind of household you'd want to raise your kids in?

[Girltalker2]

Parang ang selfish ko pala if I only listen to myself lang about this.

Sis, where did your selfishness come from? This is your life we are talking about. Kelan naging selfish ang pagdemand ng fidelity sa isang relationship? Lalo pa sa mag asawa. It is a basic ingredient and it is never selfish. Ang selfish is yung gusto magpakasal and yet landi din sa ibang babae ang inaatupag. He only thinks of himself and not the welfare or feelings of his wife nor any of his kids.

[donya_dyosa]

i have a feeling that the malanding ex gf is sort of telling the truth.. exag lang siguro yung iba..
and your partner might be lying.. pero iam not sure.... may tendency si partner pala na mangaliwa palagi..
o baka nacocoldfeet kaya nanchichix pag nalalapit ang kasal?

eto naman si malanding ex gf kasi dapat lumayo na alam na nga ikakasal eh. hayyss mga malalandi talaga

[vermich]

so ganun ba talaga once a cheater always a cheater?

Wala naman akong makitang indication na nagcheat sya now. And yung mga sinabing dates ni ex gf nya na nagkita daw sila na silang dalawa lang e 2 instances ako kasama nya sa night out ng team nila. So I doubt din ang sinabi ni ex gf. Nakikita ko lang ngayon she's trying to break us up para makahabol pa sya. Nagstep up na rin yun kuya ni partner at sya kumausap kay ex gf, sabi sa kanya ni ex gf feeling nya hindi masaya si partner sa akin kaya nya nagagawa yun. Umamin din naman na hindi sila naguusap sa email or communicator kasi hindi sya pinapansin unless sa group chat nun iba nilang kaibigan.

Yes I am torn kasi pinaglalaruan ako ng kung sino man. Madali akong masway lalo na may nakaraaan ganyan. I am having cold feet to getting married kasi ayoko nga lumaki ang mga anak namin tapos ganito situation na nakikita nila. Dumaan din ako before sa isang marriage na divorce lang nauwi. It's one reason bakit hesitant ako magpakasal uli.

I am saying feeling ko selfish ko kasi ako ang masusunod sa takbo ng kasal or relationship na ito. ALam ko dapat may say sya pero binibigay nya ang final decision sa akin. Parang kung saan ako sasaya tatanggapin nya. Bakit ganun? Ano ba dapat indication na he will do what he says he will do? Ano dapat hingin ko sa kanya na assurance talaga na never na syang magche cheat?

I've been reading threads here about cheating and seryoso wala akong makitang indications nor signs of cheating. Sinabi ko na sa kanya kulang ako sa assurance nya. Di ko na alam anong assurance pa hihingin ko...

Ngayon nililigawan nya ulit ako, sinusuyo ang tigas ko pa rin di ko na alam, ntaiiyak na lang ako sa gestures samantalang yun eldest namin tuwang tuwang dinadalhan ako ng flowers pero walang occasion. sorry medyo naguguluhan talaga ako.

[junetwentythree]

This thread should be retitled "Show me something I REFUSE to see"

Alright, so he had side-chick 1 then all is well and you go and pregnant again.

Then now his ex. Am I misreading it but didn't you say they kissed? Or are we talking beso-beso? I mean red flags are flying towards you and hitting you in the face.

Assurance? There is no once and for all in this. You either take a leap of faith and marry the man who has a history of cheating on you and/or flirting with other women while engaged to you... or you just take it for what it is... like a lot of women do and just chalk it up to the adage that "boys will be boys."

[vermich]

It's smack sa lips sis, what can be I am refusing to see. Na never na syang magbabago at ganun na sya talaga? 12yrs ago pa sila ni exgf nya ...

Yes I am ready to take a leap of faith, ready magpatawad pero yun I cannot forget.

Kung sa loob ng 5yrs ago after that incident na wala akong nakitang nagcheat sya then all of a sudden malalaman ko na ganun hinahabol sya ng ex gf nya after 12yrs. I'd say malamang hindi ko mapatawad yun nangyari dati dahil buntis pa ako nun excited to be his fiancee.

I also went the other way around paano nga kung nagbigay sya ng hint na hindi sya masaya sa akin, ang tagal kong iniisip yan wala akong makita. Hindi rin sya natural flirt. And yun mga messages sa viber they are one sided hindi nya binabasa nor opening the app... until ako nga nag nakabasa dahil accidentally ko naopen.

Sana makita kita mamaya
Gwapo mo ngayon sarap mong yakapin
Treat mo naman ako ng sb sweldo ngayon
magreply ka naman sa email ko suplado mo talaga
sana ako na lang ulit
nun tayo pa busog ako parati sa t***d mo sarap e
hey pansinin mo naman ako
pakiss naman dyan mukhang yummy ka ngayon
kausapin mo naman ako suplado
nagbago na ako ako na lang ulit
giniginaw ako pahug nga please
grabe promoted sana idate mo ako
meet naman tayo lang
kausapin mo naman ako
suplado ka naman gwapo ka sana e
wet ako sayo gwapo mo today
grabe kilig ako nun nasalubong kita
meet tayo treat kita

--- yes I copied the messages galing kay ex gf from viber. Sorry masyado akong naga analyze. Kung kayo ba ano ito? Ayokong maulit ang dati kaya siguro ako ganito.

Ewan ko na naiiyak na lang ako sa sobrang dami kong nararamdaman emotion

[mooncake and leaves]

to be fair to your partner, from the way she wrote those messages, parang naghahabol talaga siya. it doesn't seem as if she's getting her way. matindi yung hint of desperation based on those messages.

that being said, i agree with the others. you need to take a leap of faith if you want to take a chance & marry him. however, i also think that the history of repeated infidelity & the seeming back-and-forth with the wedding plans pretty much tell you where you guys are headed. i'm sorry but it seems like neither one of you truly wants to get married. he cheated on you, he flirts with other women while you guys are engaged. you on the other hand, your biggest concern about the possible breakup is not losing him. it's the disappointment of your families and friends. it's just not the ideal start to a lifelong commitment. the way i see it, you guys are like a married couple and marriage is not going to magically erase all your problems. forget about moving forward because you guys can even barely sustain your current setup.

[donya_dyosa]

oh sis kung yan talaga ang message ni malandi.. no edits ha
so si malandi talaga ang naghahabol...

dun naman sa kiss na naganap sa kanila,
i mean so he wants to be honest sayo i get it..
pero bakit sinabi niya pa yon? kasi dahil don..
napraning ka na... at baka dahil don hindi pa matuloy kasal nyo.

[vermich]

Wala naman repeated infidelity. Isang beses lang nangyari yun 5yrs ago na yun kaya yes I wanted to do that leap of faith  pero nauunahan ako ng takot lalo na I came from a failed marriage myself.

Si ex gf nagsabi that they kissed kaya may something sa kanila so I asked him if they did. He admitted they did smack pero nagulat nga sya di na nakareact sa situation. Nagsink in na lang sa kanya nangyari nun nakauwi na sya then afterwards wala na ngang naganap na meet na sila lang.. This is accdg to him.

I am doubting myself kung kaya ko pang magtiwala ng buong buo.. I haven't encountered a thread sa gt na naging okay naman ang relationship after infidelity within living in lang. Parang most would say iwan mo na lalaking yan di na magbabago since once a cheater will always be a cheater. Kung meron man similar sa akin please direct me baka may matutunan ako from that thread.

[vermich]

I don't need to edit the messages what for. I copied it kasi akala ko buburahin ni partner. Hindi naman nya binura nagulat din sya nun binasa nya. Nakablock si exgf sa fb accounts namin. Hindi ako makapagpalit ng number now dahil gamit ko rin ang personal number ko sa business.

Miss na kita wala ka kanina
Bagay ang blue sayo
Gusto mo ng perfume may ibibigay ako sayo mas gwapo smelling ka
Samahan mo ako magshopping ng undies
Gusto mo pagluto kita gaya ng dati
Bakit di na pwede tayo
Cute ng baby mo mas cute ang baby mo kung ako nanay nya
Hey mahal miss na kita
Bili kita bagong polo mas bagay sayo
Hey gwapo dapat kasama mo maganda tulad ko
Ilibre kita san mo gusto
Nakaawalang gana pumasok kapag wala ka sa office
Kiss kita nakakamiss lips mo
Mas sweet ako ngayon than before
Magcheck in ako puntahan mo ako
I can always make time for you
Katabi lang kitang matulog masaya na ako
Ikaw nalang gift ko sa bday ko
Birthday mo pero mas magiging happy ka kapag ako kasama mo
Nagmini skirt ako para makita mo
Marami akong time for you
Mas magaling akong magalaga ng kids
Red fave mo di ba I colored my hair red
Samahan kita mamaya sa lunch mo
Still love you
Malamig yakapin kita sabay kiss kita

Yan yun iba pa. Kung mayaman ako tatawag ako ng ambulance dahil clearly it seems bordering on obessesion.. Tama ba?

Ewan ko na. Nagsabi na si partner na kakausapin nya si girl once and for all kasama ulit kuya nya. Nagiipon sya ng maraming patience dahil gusto nyang sampalin yun girl. Ako naawa ako sa babae bakit may ganun?

Pumayag ba ako sa meet nila.. Sagot ko ewan di ko na alam issagot ko. Over analyzing na ako. Yun mga screencap ng messages ni girl sa viber pina print pa ni kuya ewan bakit. Gusto ko na lang magfocus sa mga kids dahil wala silang kamalay malay may nangyayaring ganito. No hindi kami nagsasagutan ni partner raise voice nor makita akong umiyak sa sama ng loob ng mga kids ko. They think kapag may delivery ng flowers o kung ano man tapos umiyak ako dahil happy ako.. Sana yun maalala nila. Happy naman ako dahil mabuting tatay si partner at malaki pinagbago for good bilang partner ko sa loob 5yrs. Parang version 2.0 ewan parang kausap ko na sarili ko.

[WorriedB2B]

I’m trying to put myself in your shoes. I trust my husband din, as in 100%. Pero if something like this would happen to us, I’m sure na siya yung gagawa ng paraan para lumayo sa girl at patunayan na wala siyang interest makipag balikan sa girl. I’m sure na ang una nyang gagawin is to resign and find another job na malayo na sa girl.

I don’t believe na lalakas yung loob ng girl na i-confront ka at sabihing makipag hiwalay ka para magkaron ule sila ng chance ng partner mo kung wala silang something behind your back. If alam ni girl na wala siyang pag-asa sa partner mo, she’ll lose confidence para maghabol.

[WorriedB2B]

Ok, I just finished reading this whole thread. Based sa messages ni girl, obsessed nga sya to get your partner back. BUT STILL, it’s your partner who has the responsibility to do something para mag-end ito. At ang una kong naiisip is lumipat siya ng work. Pero bakit parang hindi option sa kaniya ito?