wife as the more responsible one

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

something's eating me up inside, and this is something I cannot share to my friends as I am typically the "happy" one.

a little background: i gave birth last october 2014. hindi pa ako lumalabas ng recovery room, nabrainwash na ng mom ko ang hubby ko na he will be the one to stay at home and take care of the baby. di daw papayag mom ko na iiwan sa yaya ang apo niya. tutulungan na lang daw niya ako financially. hubby naman that time was stressed sa office and he was stressing na mas stable ang job ko (i work for the government). tapos he can always find a freelance job daw since he is a web developer.

fast track to now, i have been the sole breadwinner for 7+months. Ni isang freelance job wala, masyado daw pababaan ang offers kaya wag na lang daw sayang pagod niya. I am also starting to look for yaya pero sabi ni hubby, saka na pag nakakapagsalita na.

medyo nauntog lang ako nung one time pagod na pagod ako sa work, natrapik at late na nakauwi tapos pagdating ko, andun pa yung mga hugasan niya for lunch. so bale maghuhugas pa, then magluluto at maghuhugas ulit for dinner so nairita na ako.

dati ok lang naintindihan ko na medyo mahirap magalaga ng baby pero parang araw araw na lang yun ang dahilan niya, nagpakarga daw si baby maghapon. naisip ko, why is he letting the baby control him diba dapat he is starting to train our baby na?

when I'm at home di ako nagdidiscuss ng finances dahil kulang naman talaga. I just had a little savings na inuunti unti ko now just to get by. always happy stories ako about my day. di ko pinaparamdam na masakit tanggapin na ako na lang lagi nagiisip ng paraan, nagiistep up sa mga challenges. pero lately nafifeel ko frustration niya. binabara na niya ako even if I am just telling a silly, unimportant detail about my day - something na hindi niya ginagawa noon.

so i need your insights mga sis-
kasalanan ko ba naging masyado akong responsible? na alam niyang maaasahan ako pagdating sa pera, sa paggawa ng paraan so parang inasa na talaga saakin?

p.s. please be kind to me, i am an emotional wreck right now

[caterpillar-girl]

How do you want him to "step up?" Do you want him to find a job and help with finances, or do you just want him to be more responsible at home? I think you have to find out first what's really eating you. Is it his lack of employment, or that he's not pulling his weight enough around at home? If he became more responsible at home, will that make you happier? Or kulang pa rin? Marriages where the wife is the breadwinner are not that uncommon, but it's a set up that the two of you have to agree on and set clear expectations on.  Otherwise it will just lead to bitterness and resentment, which can manifest exactly in the way you mentioned- frustration, ill temper.

[LGV]

Sis husbands are normally tamad sa household, lahat ng dahilan sasabihin nyan makapagdahilan lang kung bakit hindi nagawa. Noon kasi masyado kong gusto makita na tumutulong sya even when theres a househelp until sunch time na hindi ako satisfied sa gawa nya nagstart kame magaway. But my husband is responsible naman and maasahan like kunwari magluto but dont expect him to fix everything or if sya din nga ang maghugas ng pinaglutuan nya dont expect na lilinisin yung buong kitchen, yung ganun gets mo? They will always help naman pero lageng may kulang hindi talaga fully done. One more example aasikasuhin ang kiddo going to school as in lahat from paggising to preparing baon and hatid pero yung mga pinagkalatan wala na yun hindi na maliligpit haha! Anyway I just want you to feel na common naman yang naeexperience mo.

Until such na nakipagtalo ako and he told me na "Mommy thats why Im providing the best that I can para naman yung mga ganitong bagay baka pwedeng ibayad nalang natin kesa mastress tayo pareho." So from there I realized bakit ko nga naman iistressin sarili ko kung may option naman na available. Masasacrifice lang yung mood namin pareho sa maliit bagay eh. Regarding naman sa work we also went through the phase na hindi sya happy with work so we both stayed at home for few months, syempre sinong may gusto eh sya ang bread winner saming dalawa so finding another job would mean mababawasan ang dapat eh savings diba kasi its not just weeks but days tapos ayaw nya din kasi na magwork talaga ako. But I just let it be kasi ayoko pagawayan namin pera syempre kikitain pa yan and good thing he never deprived us naman kahit saang bagay so thank God. Why am I saying this to you, hindi sa nakikialam ako sa lifestyle nyo or the way youre kliving the married life as of the moment pero syempre may ego din ang asawa mo so Im sure gusto nya din magwork. Why not hire a nanny? i know this is something to think about pero siguro patignan mo nalang sa mom mo or anyone from the family while the nanny is still new para lang makakilos kayo both.

Im sure he's also feeling uncomfy na ikaw yung nagtatrabaho. Madali kasi sabihin magfreelance pero pag may dumating na offer marami talaga sila icoconsider na kesyo [textspeak!] offer maliit blah blah. So baka dapat sa kanya is yung regular job talaga na he will do everyday pero syempre may dahilan din bakit hindi nya magawa kasi nga stuck sya sa bahay. Give him a chance on this para makaiwas kayo sa future arguments kasi iba talaga pag babae ang bread winner maraming pwedeng manganak na issue eh. So this early save you and your husband from future stress na sana.

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

thanks sis caterpillar, actually just the small seemingly petty things. i am just getting frustrated na even the smallest things at home ako pa rin. like magtetext anong karne ang ilalabas sa ref. tapos may mga nabubulok na palang gulay nakalimutan gamitin eh siya ang tagagrocery at siya ang laging nagbubukas ng ref. ako pa rin magchecheck. kung sa bahay siya sana naman kanya na itong tasks. on a bigger scale, yung marami siyang dahilan para hindi magtrabaho. i presented some options parang walang nagustuhan. in short, gusto niya as is.

thanks din sis LGV, true, nanotice ko din ito. hehe! parang kung kelan at ano lang feel niya gawin na chore yun lang. medyo natatakot na nga ako na baka maging lifetime na ito kasi andun na siya sa stage na ginagamit na si baby as reason bakit hindi siya makapagwork. ayaw niya mawalay, ayaw niya din ipagkatiwala sa kung kanino.

[aquacharly]

Kasalanan mo ba? Yes

1st, you followed your mom's command to make your husband stay-at-home, without consulting him much.  In effect, you shut him down. Sure, you may have been the bigger earner but --  wala na bang ibang paraan para your husband was not just delegated as just good enough for baby care & housekeeping?

Staying at home, attending to chores that are repetitive --  this lifestyle becomes boring/unchallenging eventually.  Maybe that's why he is getting behind on his housekeeping.  He seems to have lost his "window" to the world.  His curt manner towards you is symptomatic of his boredom, low morale and low self esteem. As he is now -- is that how you want to see him?

Sure, he may have not earned as much as you before -- but well, beginnings are usually modest.  But everybody needs that first small break/job to start.  It seems he is losing his "spirit" -- bad news for both of you.
Why don't you have your mom come in to take over for even just 3 or 2 days so your husband can explore what opportunities are out there? 

If you want him to make something of himself, you must help him out or give your total support.  You put him where he is now, after all. 

Start asap.  Instead of sharing your day, even the inconsequential --  talk to him of what interests him, what happened to his day, what he wants to explore to get him back into earning again. 

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

natakot ako buksan nung nakita kong ikaw ang nagreply sis aquacharly hehe! thanks sis. you did raise some valid points that i will ponder and act on.

it was him who followed my mom's decision. nung lumabas ako sa recovery room, it was already a done deal. they just informed me of their decision. I tried telling him that there are other options but it was too late. my mom sure knows how to get her way.

I was never the bigger earner. yun lang ang primary reason why the decision was made, i had a more secure job.

[aquacharly]

I am sorry, Sis, if I raised alarms in you. I just try to help, by projecting myself into the situation.

Can you find him something to do at home? There is 1 sis here, the husband works from home 3-9; and seems to be doing well. 
His decision was right for current circumstances, if you had the security of tenure.

What seems to be critical now is to pull him back from what seems to be a downward spiral into depression/low self esteem/increasing feeling of helplessness.

Start by being aware if your conversations are mainly I-Myself-&-Me. 
Express appreciation, frequently, for his valuable job of not just caretaking of your daughter -- but the more important work of raising her.  Point out that she is much  much better off  with him, --  than with a less educated, less cultured, less etc etc Yaya.  He should feel challenged to raise his standards of child-rearing, aside from gaining pride from that.  Do not emasculate him by focusing on just his performance as a maid. 

Make an effort to go out weekends.  Not just to the mall. But places where both your minds will be challenged to stimulate the baby's mind.  Places where you will focus on each other.  The kiddie areas at The Fort, La Mesa Dam, the beach, a public park? 

You can also get him interested in a hobby he can do in between his chores. 

Yes, Life easily sucks nowadays.  What with everything being fluid/constantly in flux.  Gender roles are no longer as well-defined; and the job market is always in transition.  It has never been as hard to keep body & soul together , for most, nowadays.  Still, let us count our blessings:  youth, good health & you have a job. 
Pardon me, for not minding my business... But, it is best to mind one's birth control until your family is more stable financially.  You are blessed to have a child.  Stay blessed; do not push yourselves to the brink by expanding your family now.  Just be practical, & realistic.

When I feel locked in, I pray to the Holy Spirit for Divine Guidance, clarity of mind & courage.  You too may find new answers & guidance by praying to the Higher Being you believe in. 

Take care, be mindful.

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

thanks ulit sis aquacharly. you were very helpful you gave words to the ugly thoughts that are already  in my mind. but your recent reply gave me hope. i'll try your suggestions, kasi i feel like we have set aside our relationship when we had a baby. it really needs saving.

noted on the birth control. hehe

[The Lioness]

Hi sis. I guess we're in the same boat. I have a 6-month old baby boy. My partner is jobless. He's a paramedic and applying abroad. But as of now, malabo pa mga applications nya. No definite date as to when he'll be out of the country. I told him to look for a call center job muna like he used to. But time and again he'll refuse. He does volunteer work with Rescue and his mom sends him allowance now and then. But it's never going to be enough. We have to pay house rent, bills, yaya (though my dad helps us pay her if I can't, my baby boy is so matakaw and almost half ng sweldo ko is for him lang). I do work full-time, night shift. But I'm so hands on sa baby ko. Pag dating ko ng bahay, pakakainin ko sya, bathe him, put him to bed, kapag nagigising sya minsan, papa dede ko. So average ng sleep ko is about 4 to 5 hours a day lang. Sobrang swerte na kapag naka 6 ako. I'm tired. Exhausted actually. Ako pa lahat nag iisip kung saan at pano pupunan yung budge namin kapag kinukulang kami. Nahihiya na rin ako sa daddy ko because I go to him everytime. Everytime Im frustrated, I tell him. To the point na sinasabi nya sakin how I nag him a lot. I do nag him. I told him to find a job. To help me. I tell him na he's the father, he should be the more reponsible one. He should man up and provide. But he's just home most of the time. He cooks naman. But if he's not cooking, he's either online or asleep. He actually rarely changed my son's diaper because my yaya does that.

Just today when I was to leave for work, nag away na naman kami about finances like we always do. Lumabas sya ng bahay and naupo sa may gate and stayed quiet there for awhile. Parang nag iisp. And pagpasok nya sa cr, nagdabog talaga sya. I told him he doesnt have the right to do that. It's his fault in the first place. I'm a very reasonable person. I wont say anything negative or anything at all if there's no reason to. I know I'm nagging a lot. I just want to push him. And I keep on pushing him. Minsan nga sinasabi ko na mag re resign na ako kasi andami ko na lates (which is true) and I'm super tired. Na sya na muna mag work for the mean time. Rest din muna ako. But he tells me na hindi makakatulog ang iniisip ko. I even told him Im pregnant again (which is I think I am but havent checked yet) to push him to find a job.

I really dont know what to do na din. I cant leave him. And I cant afford him leaving me too. We have a son. And I'm still banking on his promise na things can only get better, he just need that one break abroad. But I dont need the future yet. I need now. If he continues like that, I undoubtedly wont help but nag him. But I'm scared he'll leave us. What should I do?

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

hello sis! i wish i have an answer to your question but i guess only you can decide on what to do.

since i posted this, nakapagusap na kami. i dont know how i opened the topic since we rarely talk heart to heart, puro small talk lang like current events, ano uso, what baby did that day, etc. pero during our talk nasabi niya na nagsisi daw siya na nagdecide siya na ako ang magwork. ang dating, what was he thinking at pumayag siya sa ganun hindi nga daw tama na ako ang nagtatrabaho para samin. now daw hiyang hiya siya sakin dahil pabigat daw siya (his words). we both agreed na in this situation, we are both unhappy. kaso ang gusto niya talaga mangyari, magabroad siya at sa bahay muna ako. medyo ayoko pa rin ng ganong situation but i wanted him to make a plan (any plan) so um-ok na rin ako. we'll see.

plenty of times i'm pressured na ilabas na rin sakanya mga sinasaloob ko. na konsensiyahin siya. i thought of leaving him na din pero nakita ko masaya si baby sakanya. dun na lang ok na ulit ako. kaso wala talaga sa nature ko ang magsalita. kung ayaw ng hubby mo ng nina-nag mo siya, hubby ko naman ayaw na tahimik ako bakit hindi ko na lang daw sabihin ang issue ko. haha!

[super bratinella]

^Sis I know mahirap ang situation mo kasi you are torn na you love your husband but his principle do not meet yours. Talking to him make it even worse since natatapakan ang pride niya and that is all he have right now.

Just let him realize na him having a work will prepare your kid's future, just talk to him and be very careful not to hurt his pride, just tell him in the sweetest possible so at least parang naglalambing ka sa kanya but at the same time there is a hint of venting out.

I know siya na nga ang walang trabaho pero ikaw pa ang maingat sa words mo, this is because we need to be careful not to drive him away from the goals you both want to achieve that is a comfortable life. Anyway siya naman ang napili mong mapangasawa or maging tatay ng anak mo so this means you have to adjust with him, even he is not yet willing to..

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

^yes sis, i don't have anyone to blame but myself after realizing na kahit noon pa ganito na talaga siya. i thought it was a good thing na he's contented kahit ano lang meron sila (came from a poor family) but now that we have a kid it opened me up to the reality that we really need to earn more and since ako ang breadwinner, ako lang ang nakakakita ng mga tunay na gastusin so i'm afraid i might be sheltering him from reality - but that would mean he's too naive and childish to not even remotely think about this. thanks for your kind words sis!