Husband getting close with his female colleague.. Woman's Intuition or Paranoia?

[Girltalker2]

Girltalker2, will do.. Can I use your statement? It does make so much sense to say it like that.

I keep playing back ano ba yung mali ko or yung mga ayaw niya sa akin for him to find comfort with someone else. Just the housework lang naiisip ko. He feels he's doing much and I feel I'm doing much but we talked about that a few weeks ago and are both trying harder..

Sure naman. Very calm nga approach mo, which is good. Kesa naman sugod at away agad.

As to what's wrong with you... Isa pa itong issue that married couples should be aware of. Anything you don't like with your partner, you have to communicate it to him/her to resolve the issue. Finding solace to another person, a shoulder to cry on or making kwento/pintas about your partner to another person is not right. Kasi pati asawa mo chinichismis mo sa iba.dapat kayo lang 2 ang nagkakaintindihan ng mga flaws/issues nyo.

Ah once you do that talk, make sure sa inyo lang. Huwag na huwag nya ito sabihin sa iba Lalo na sa girl na tipong 'di na tayo puede gym or di ka puede sabay kasi magagalit asawa ko'. He should say it in a different way na I don't think it is right to spend too much time together, out of respect for my wife and your BF.

[momentum]

also sis, i-"up" mo yung attention and lambing skills mo sa kanya
maybe kaya ganyan siya ka comfy at kaclose sa babae kasi he misses yung "thrill" or "attention"
he uses a lot of emoticons sa babae na yun? pwes, use a lot too sa kanya 
be extra sweet, extra maasikaso sa kanya, extra pretty etc. maybe he just misses that. alam naman natin mali na hinahanap niya yun sa iba pero huwag ka papatalo sis kasi asawa mo siya. alam din naman natin na in marriage it takes 2 to tango and that hind lang dapat one sided ang mag-effort ..pero malay mo this might work na mabalin uli full attention niya sayo and iwasan si girl..baka kelangan lang niya itong "push" or motivation..

hay mga lalake talaga. the sacrifices we do for our man..

[glamorosa_09]

glamorosa_09, early this month we had an argument. Dun ko nasimulan mapansin yung changes and then the repetitive mention of the girl's name.
Based on FB naman, it shows April. It was before pa na maging magkapitbahay.
Yes, it is emotional attachment na.¡

Oh, so this June mo napansin. But when you checked his FB, much to your surprise, they've been chummy since April pa, three months ago.

Magkakilala kayo ng girl. She attended your wedding. Hindi naman siguro sila ganun ka-close before, di tulad ngayon. Isang curious question is: what exactly has led them to be as this close and when?

Pero anyways, hindi pa rin naman ganun katagal and this isn't an affair yet as what girltalker2 pointed out.

Your convo with him is really important. Just to echo what others have said, make the conversation safe for him. When it's safe, he would be more receptive and cooperative with what you want to achieve. The moment when he feels unsafe, mag-fa-fight, flight, or freeze response yan. He would be defensive/resistant, avoid the topic, or ignore you.

How do you make it safe for him? Like what others have said, focus on your feelings and not on their actions. Pag nagfocus ka sa actions, it could be perceived as a jugment or attack. So fight, flight, freeze ang response nyan. You go back briefly to his actions when you request a change in habit or behavior.

I don't see anything wrong if you will nicely request to limit their relationship as officemate lang, considering the nature of the girl, na disrespectful. You will not impose naman eh, request lang, so it's still up to him.

So good luck! May the Spirit guide you. Do update us.  I hope maayos niyo to.

[j.adore]

So, the discussion started calmly then escalated into an argument and we went back to being calm again. But after this, I feel just as worse. One of you was right and apparently, our problems go deeper (and way back) than I thought.

The good news is that there really is nothing going on (alam ko naman wala PA dun at concern ko talaga ay kung mapunta dun lalo na I feel that fondness for me is diminishing and going to someone else). Now that my husband is aware, he's going to stop the closeness.

The bad news is that, surprisingly, mga bagay na akala ko ok kami ay hindi pala. Foundations like open communication ay kulang so now we're kind of going to start over. Sad lang kasi I thought we were ok in these things. Of course we're imperfect individually and even together kaya continuous work in progress ito. I tried and I'm still trying. He's doing the same thing.

maiandra, ah thanks but it wouldn't work for me lagi may feeling deep inside na on guard ako.
True, our marriage is going to be priority now.
I started off non-accusatory but I lost it nung nag-away na kami. Several times I stopped to breathe and go back to the non-accusatory phase para lang manatili na open discussion kami.

joycefler, he's never and he didn't think what he's doing is a "start". Actually nung sinabing friends eh oo di ko napigil sarili ko.

izabelle, exactly that! Wala akong ginagawang kahit ano para magkaron ng any hint of doubt even during BF-GF stage.
Pero husband mo ay sensitive naman sa feelings mo o you demand him to be? Mine is naman except friends daw kasi sila so he didn't think it applied.

momentum, did this several times na medyo na-heart attack siya every time sa sobrang surprise hehe.
It's going to stop na. We need to rebuild my trust.

edna_mode,  I linger in the engagement section because I want to help others the way I was helped before. Buti naman nakakatulong nga hehe.
Buti you walked away kasi parang hindi ka na priority and there's no respect anymore.
It's been a few months so I feel I was able to catch agad?
Yes, I'm normally engaged in what's going on with people in his life that's why I can ask about her or anyone and he would answer naman.
It was purely for work reasons mixed with friendship that he didn't think would be a problem the way I or most of feedback here see.
Appreciate the virtual hugs!!

Girltalker2, exactly my point that's why I don't like discussing problems with one person to another person.
That's also how I see it should be done to explain to others. but it doesn't work for different people. I don't know how he's going to handle the questions but I'm just letting him do it his way.

momentum, sa sobrang lambing ko wala nang ma-i-up! Haha sorry kung parang mayabang but I've been so ever since I was a kid. Even my in-laws were commenting on this.
I use a lot of emoticons too. Nakakatawa nga yun eh parang big deal jusko (so social media cliche) but I explained ano yung underlying difference and why it adds to the issue.
Haay talaga! But relationships are hard work and marriage needs even more.

glamorosa_09, it's for work and it is not yet an affair.
I tried.. but yun nga.. not the calm discussion I was imagining it to be. But we're ok.
I don't see anything wrong din in fact, that's the solution I see.

Is it normal at this stage na ganito kami? Sabi nila you will really go through a lot in marriage so I guess this is it.

[bagaholic_chewy]

^ it's a good thing na nakapag-usap na kayo. At least aware na sya that his closeness with her is making you uncomfortable. It is a good start.

Relatively bagong kasal pa naman kayo so this could be part of "birth pains" pa. You'll both learn a lot along the way - what works and what does not - in terms of dealing with issues in your marriage. But ultimately, for me, having an open communication is a big factor.

Good luck, sis! Glad your discussion with your husband turned out well.

[momentum]

Now that my husband is aware, he's going to stop the closeness.

I really hope he does this. it's good narin na nagkausap na kayo, kahit nagkaroon na ng argument. I guess hindi ito completely maiiwasan lalo na't if he really thinks walang mali sa ginagawa niya. kaya nga minsan, para sakin, sa situation na ganyan okay na ipoint out sa kanila na what if I do the same thing and you're the one in my shoes, what would you feel?

nice to know super lambing mo pala nako, swerte naman asawa mo sayo yung pag surprise mo, I hope good thing yung "heart attach shock"? hehe hindi yung shock na parang natakot about something

Best of luck sis and hope after nito is maging smooth sailing na uli marriage ninyo and he keeps his word. hugs sis

[j.adore]

bagaholic_chewy, I used to think it would be more on the living together part like compromising at home about cleanliness or what not. Oh, we have so much to learn!

I feel like such a failure because I honestly thought we were ok in the open communication requirement of a relationship. It's very basic kasi at nag-agree na kami to be very honest with each other on everything.
It was very painful to hear that this is one of our problems.

momentum, yung details he didn't understand what was the big deal but the general picture as to why I felt the way I did na-acknowledge naman niya.
Hindi nagwork yung if-you-were-in-my-shoes kasi he trusts me. Like I said, I'm very careful and never did anything for him to doubt my side so inulit ko na lang din sa kanya.

Haha oo natakot pero tawa na lang after.

Thank you much! Hehe maybe not because we still have a lot of work to do but hopefully nga we'll get there soon

[skela96c]

Is it normal at this stage na ganito kami? Sabi nila you will really go through a lot in marriage so I guess this is it.

We also got married just this May. Iniisip ko na lang na we're still both adjusting, defining our relationship. And yung mga tao din sa paligid namin, nag aadjust pa din sa thought na may asawa na kami so may mga bagay na hindi na pwede like before.  It'll take time siguro but the most important thing is that we communicate and we know where the other stands.  I made it clear to my husband that it is not him that I do not trust. It is the girl. I'm just watching his back.

Congrats and good luck sis! 

But still, boo to the female colleague     

[120515]

j.adore, big hug for seeing your plan through...as what they told us during our cee, marriage is very hard work and we have to work on it every day from the moment we wake up to when we close our eyes to sleep, even then, we may still be working on our marriage in our dreams they advised us to keep making the decision to love every day.

[j.adore]

skela96c, how did your husband take it naman and what did he do?
Onga eh especially since I confirmed the girl was the one who asks to hitch a ride home.

120515, I know right? Wise words. As long as both are willing to work it out then it should be fine.

[skela96c]

well at first akala nya it was just a petty hirit/selos from my part. so parang nagjojoke joke pa sya about it. but then i guess he realized i mean business because i said i'm really hurt that he is not taking my issues seriously.  And i'm pregnant now sis.  but this is not about hormones.  I pointed out to him, of all his friends, he even has a girl bestfriend who's single, and I'm OK with them. I'm even friends with them now. Why? because they respect my relationship with you. So why have i singled out this girl? because iba talaga ang pakiramdam ko and she needs to relearn values.

i think iniwasan nya naman na din. until this recent fb comment which really got my ire.  to be fair with my husband, yung girl kasi yung mahilig macomment but only in his posts/photos where i'm not tagged.

[melmedrano]

Sis skela96c, I like what you said... she needs to relearn values. Bullseye! Aminin naman natin, if the girls are upholding their values, walang ganyang mga issues. Kung iniisip nila ang mararamdaman ng kapwa nila babae (the wife), na pwedeng pwede ring mangyari sa kanila... they will surely behave.

Sis j.adore, hugs to you. I'll pray for you and my your husband. Minsan talaga may mga ganyang bagay na hindi mo ma-imagine na mangyayari lalo na OK naman kayo. Well, sabi nga ng husband ko sharpening daw yan. Kagaya mo, dedma din ako sa ganyan, and I mean dedma. Wala akong kaselos-selos sa katawan... "cool wife" lang ang peg. Pero, I'm very vocal about the limitations that is bundled with our marriage and our family. No specific rules but we always put our marriage and each other (including our son) next to God. Our commitment to each other and to our vows should be honored at all times. That one never fail for us. :-)

Minsan nga niloko ko ang husand ko kasi marami naman syang lawyer friends - that he can consult them pag gusto nyang magpa-annul. Nagalit sya, bakit ko daw naiisip na maghihiwalay kami... then I realized that he is really committed to our marriage. Sometimes pwede mo ring daanin sa biro ang mga ganyang bagay... para masabi mo ang mga naiisip mo ng hindi ka naman mukhang nanghihinala. :-)

Isipin mo na lang din na ang mga ganyang friends ng husband mo ay parang girls na tinetable sa mga bar (ano nga bang proper term dun? sorry wala akong maisip ngayon, na mental block ata ako), they are not really interested with the girl gusto lang nila ng makakakwentuhan... lalo na mga bagay na hindi nya maikwento sa iyo or pag wala ka. Ganun lang yun... walang attachment or what.

[Evolet027]

 Minsan na rin akong nagkaron ng ganito, I was the one married and the guy is single. Exactly the same situation with sis j.dore and other sissies. But the guy was the first one to have emotional attachment with me, later on, na realize ko ako din, and yes, mali sya. after I resigned in that office, sa laht ng mga naging companies ko na sumunod, iniwasan ko na magkaron ng ka close na lalake. Sa una kasi talagang walang malisya, friends lang, team mate, pag nilagyan ng malisya jan sya tlaaga magsisimula. so better, na mag set talaga ng boudaries lalo na kung married ka na.

[Msfi]

sis j.adore your husband has to realize na dapat after office hours eh sa relationship nyo sya naka focus. Oo nga friends lang sila eh paano kung dahil sa laging nasa girl ang attention nya eh ma-attach sya or sila sa isa't isa.

Everyday magkasama sila sa office ng at least 9 hrs plus travel time ng morning and evening ng at least an hour each, so halos 11-12 hrs yun. Pero kayo how many hours ba in-a-day kayo magkasama? Most of that time eh tulog pa kayong pareho. So baka nasa 2-3 hrs lang kayo nagkakaroon ng time together tapos ibibigay nya pa din sa girl dahil kausap nya pa din hangga't matulog sya. Eh may TV viewing pa so imagine kung gaano kakonti yung quality time nyo talaga.

So kung work related ang sinasabi nyang pinag-uusapan nila eh di pag-usapan na lang nila sa office. Wag ng nakawin ang oras na para naman sa yo.

[Girltalker2]

The bad news is that, surprisingly, mga bagay na akala ko ok kami ay hindi pala. Foundations like open communication ay kulang so now we're kind of going to start over. Sad lang kasi I thought we were ok in these things. Of course we're imperfect individually and even together kaya continuous work in progress ito. I tried and I'm still trying. He's doing the same thing.

Iyan nga, communication. It is a constant thing that you have to nurture. Hindi ibig sabihin ok kayo last month, forever okay na. And it need not be so formal na may naka set daily na time. But because sa dami ng kailangan gawin daily, maganda to find some COMMON REGULAR things that you can do together. Once a week date, once every 3 months out of town (road trip lang or province mo or stay sa hotel), mga ganun tipo.

[j.adore]

skela96c, buti naman he realized it din saka obvious naman you're not a jealous person kung ok lang sa kanya yung isang kaclose na matinong babae.
Di ba pwede iblock sa FB para wala na comment?

melmedrano, ewan parang di rin kasi nagiisip eh. Nung di pa ako married, iwas ako sa taken na lalaki lalo pag sinabing selosa yung partner. Babae din kasi ako eh respeto lang di ba?

I am not a jealous person, even my friends validated, but my husband unfortunately sees me as so. Pag lang nakakita ako ng red flag, I call it out dahil importante din ang limits and as respect for the partner.

Hehe di kasi ako mabiro na tao kung seryoso yung topic. I'll TRY

Yes, he is not interested with her now. But I can't wait and risk if in the future he does become interested lalo na napupunta na dun sa girl yung dapat na sa akin.

Msfi, minsan kasi meron sila deadline bigla kaya kailangan magtrabaho kahit gabi na.
Kaya nga eh, magkatabi daw sila ng station. Pero yung going to office di pa nangyayari. Going home oo pero hindi daily kaso madalas.
Yan din naisip ko na pag weekdays halos wala talaga kami time for each other. We rely on messages na nga lang tapos mababawasan pa yun because he has the girl to talk to na.

Girltalker2, because it is important, meron kami niyan every month no matter how busy we are but he failed (or chose not) to bring up and his answer is always "wala". Hence, my surprise.
And yes, we have these common regular things and we continue to try new things to discover other items to add to our list.

[Msfi]

^How about if sunduin mo sya sa office para sabay kayo umuwi?

  Dun sa dating office ng husband ko, super dami din ng work plus mahilig pa silang lumabas ng mga    officemates nya. Pero yung husband ko naman pinapapunta nya ako sa office para sunduin sya, at kahit anong labas nilang mag-officemates sinasama ako.  Kahit na nga minsan basketball or billiards ng mga guys sinasama pa din ko. Go pa din ako nun, i just bring a book with me.  That way kilala ko lahat ng officemates nya girls and boys pati wives, husband and GFs.

[j.adore]

We have different work hours so definitely di kaya unless weekend activity pero eto ay rare at nakasama/naintroduce naman ako so officemates.

[izabelle]

izabelle, exactly that! Wala akong ginagawang kahit ano para magkaron ng any hint of doubt even during BF-GF stage.
Pero husband mo ay sensitive naman sa feelings mo o you demand him to be? Mine is naman except friends daw kasi sila so he didn't think it applied.

masasabi ko sis na parehas. Sensitive sya at the same time I demanded for it. Haha! Maybe nasa nature ko na ang pagiging demanding.

I just hate na ako pa mag aadjust sa closeness nila e hello ako Legal wife LOL

[j.adore]

Ok well we have the right.

My husband is sensitive but selective sa tao. Tipong yung iba babae iwas siya (mga flirt siguro or what) pero pag nasa isip niya friends sila, walang control.



He deactivated his FB. Medyo drastic lalo na we use FB messenger lagi so ngayon iMessage na lang. Big chance din he deleted their conversation because he did that before with his ex.
Some friends (na kilala ko na close niya at may mga female single ones I'm OK with) and parents dun din niya ka usap so ngayon balik sila sa text.

Managing relationships lang na isip ko na solution di naman as in cut off everything. I still want my husband to have friends. I just think the boundaries part is something he should learn to apply pero parang all or nothing isip niya. O kaya hirap to even try.

So since I'm letting him solve this particular issue on his own, hinahayaan ko lang siya. Interim solution ito while we're still working on our other problems.
Sad ako para sa kanya na abot pa ng ganito pero I'm letting go and doing it his way.