Husband getting close with his female colleague.. Woman's Intuition or Paranoia?

[momentum]

That's not good sis... I can imagine what you feel.. Gather yourself sis and be prepared to talk to him soon. I personally think this shouldn't be prolonged na. Hopefully this week magka usap na kayo..

[maiandra]

Sis, why not try befriending the girl? I'm sure your husband won't object to that. That way, the girl will realize you are alive at the very least, and will see yung sweetness nyo when you and hubby are together and maybe she will get some guilty feelings afterwards na mali na pala yung closeness nila ng hubby mo.

At best, you might like her as well, kung totoong friend sya ng husband mo I don't see why you can't be friends with her as well.

[120515]

hi j.adore, hugs hugs hugs!

i think everyone has given very sound advice and you have a plan - go through with your plan of talking with your husband about this.

when you talk to him, maybe you can go through old letters he wrote to you or even watch your sde together first - just to ease into the topic. then just talk it out.

hugs again! i'll pray for you and your husband.

[ri-anne]

Wala bang ibang friend yang girl?! Pati hubby mo, sana mas nakiki-buddy sya sa mga male colleagues. If the girl is new, your hubby should encourage her to socialize more with their other colleagues, hindi yung parang "binabakuran" nya. Sorry for the term.

Nangyari din yan saken before, and nung time pa na preggy ako with our firstborn so i was more emotional at talagang pinagawayan namin ni hubby.

He was insisting wala lang pero ayun nga, naiinis ako sa girl kasi may bf na nga pero laging sumasabay sa kanya pag lunch at uwian, binibigyan sya ng mamon or food sa desk, kinukwentuhan tungkol sa problems nila ng bf nya, humihingi ng advice, etc
Ang difference lang sis, bukod sa "close" sila ni hubby, nag-entertain pa ng manliligaw! (also a colleague)...kaya naiinis talaga ako dun before kasi ang landi LOL!

Hindi ni hubby totally maiwasan siempre kaofficemate at siempre ayaw din nya maging awkward.
Pero eventually naging madalang na kwento nya about office stuff na kasama yung girl.
Whether he stopped hanging out with her or he just stopped telling me about it, i wouldn't know.....i just learned to trust him na he'd respect and understand my side after i told him how i felt about everything.

It turns out, wala lang naman talaga.....& about the girl, well now she's pamilyado na rin w/ a diff guy, and we got to know each other and eventually naging ninang pa ng bunso namin! They're still colleagues but not that close anymore thank God! Hindi na sya malandi nakakita na ng mr.right....heheh


And that's why i'm also telling you this...
maganda mga advice dito.. Communicate, Talk to him, make him understand (give him rules,etc).....
But in the end, what we can really just do afterwards is Trust our husband (that he'll respect our feelings & understand & take action), and pray. and pray. and pray.

Good luck sis

[snowberry]

^ Naisip ko rin yan sis habang binabasa ko the whole thread. Bakit sa girl close si hubby? Usually yung mga office mates kong guy, kapag lunch time na , guys din kasama kasi siempre yung kwentuhan nila are about guy stuff and not about work anymore para bawas stress naman.

Same suggestion here na surprise him during lunch. Siguro naman mahiya na siya sumabay. Do it more frequently or regularly hanggang mawaal yung habit nila na magsabay sa lunch .

Sa uwian naman, hindi ka ba pwedeng sundoin ni hubby or bigyan mo kaya ng errands. Ang kapal din naman talaga ni girl na sumabay pauwi. Libre service at driver. Remember that seat is supposed to be your spot.

[Girltalker2]

Kaya lang din ako hesitant kasi ayaw ko naman icontrol ang husband ko but at the same time, limitations are necessary especially since we're married.

I think the point of telling him is awareness.  It should not be dictated on him, dapat willing sya to set boundaries on other women dahil may asawa syang tao. Like he should be aware na hindi nya dapat hawakan ang kamay ng ibang babae maliban nalang sa mom nya or sayo.

I know office affairs do happen because more hours are spent at work kaya din I'm on edge and I want to nip it in the bud.
My only fear was if I'm in the wrong and I don't like to bring up the issue while my emotion of jealousy is high. Actually, any other issues I don't bring up while emotional.

Office affairs happen, yun nga lang, sa observation ko, mas rampant sa Manila, di ko alam bakit.

 There's not texting late at night. Sa FB chat sila and it was because of work tapos parang to destress lang kaya later on naging non-work discussion na.

De-stress? They need each other to do that? Sorry di nakatulong, pero di ba dapat partner mo dapat kausap mo para mawala stress.

[ReservoirDogs]

Sis, as what others have already said, nip it in the bud.  Based on your kwento, mukhang mabait naman ang asawa mo at wala pang tinatago. YET.  Habang wala pang nagbubunga, putulin na agad.

Have you met the girl? Do you think she's attractive or do you think your husband might be physically attracted to her? If yes, dyan nagsisimula ang affairs. I don't want to scare you because your husband sounds like a nice person, but affairs (like any other relationships) start with physical attraction.

Anyway, talk to your husband as calmly as possible. Just tell him that you feel uncomfortable (and hurt) with their closeness, but don't forbid him na maging close sa officemate nya. It's his choice if gusto nyang ituloy ang friendship nila at alam nyang masasaktan ka. If he is as nice as he sounds (based on your posts), he will stay away from the girl.

[momentum]

I hope also that after you both talk about this, huwag naman sana na he starts hiding things from you (ex. Deleted fb convos, lesser kwentos about the woman, not letting you know if they did went out again, etc)

Basta just be aware parati sis. Lalo sa mga kilos niya.. The way he looks, the way he acts, time spent in the office, etc. Im not naman saying maging super paranoid ka pero it pays rin naman kasi not to be complacent sa mga ganyan diba lalo kapag may ganitong issue na. There are little signs here and there that we sometimes miss.. Yun pala mga red flags na yun, warning satin

[j.adore]

momentum, I dunno parang naubusan ako ng lakas but at the same time I want to have the discussion already like tonight.

maiandra, sorry but I want real friends. Di ko kaya to befriend someone because I'm jealous or to prove my relationship with my husband.
I noticed that his other office mates added me sa FB after our wedding pero siya hindi. We're not even FB friends.
Also, I don't think I'll be comfortable for my husband to continue being "friends" with her seeing that he's replaced me with her in some aspects.

120515, yes.. Thank you for the virtual hugs and the prayers!
I'm at a loss how to even start the topic. Wala dito yung old letters and SDE namin so I'll have to figure out something else.

ri-anne, seems it's the other way around if my husband is the one initiating the friendly conversations in FB.
Glad to hear it worked out for you! Will do the same..

snowberry, I honestly don't know sino mga lunch mates niya kasi minsan may meetings din so paiba iba siguro?
That's so true! That is my spot nga eh so ang sakit na may replacement.

Girltalker2, I think he should stop his being close with her because some things he used to do for/with me, dun na sa girl na ngayon. Both awareness and dictating na rin in case he things what he's doing is ok lang.
My thoughts exactly.. Bakit hindi sa akin? I'm the wife.

ReservoirDogs, yes she was in our wedding with her BF. She's not attractive but I recognize that is not the sole basis for affairs.

momentum, haay honestly kasi he deleted conversations with his ex. So if he does the same with this girl, I've no way of knowing na and just to trust blindly? Malaki possiblity kasi he just stops just so hindi magkaissue. Eh they are office mates and they will have to work with each other pa rin.

[glamorosa_09]

Sis, kailan mo napansin na nagsimula silang maging close?

glamorosa_09, buti anyone. My husband kasi eto lang.
I just don't know what to think anymore right now because it seems it's my husband who initiates..

On another angle, pwede kasing dahil magkapitbahay kayo. Siguro nung hindi pa sila ganun ka-close, nag-iinitiate sya out of pagmamagandang-loob. Hanggang sa naging out of habit nilang magkasabay umuwi. Ganyan kasi sa amin, hinahatid or sinasabay na namin pag on the way.

But in your case, tanggalin na yang pagmamagandang loob, mas importante ang marriage niyo.

Ang opinion ko naman, in your case, it's not the physical attraction that I find bothering, but their fondness of each other's company which stemmed from the growing friendship. Hanggang sa emotional attachment, then infatuation.

Like others, I hope this would get settled soon. If you couldn't trust yourself to control your emotions when you talk with him, another option would be a letter, then give him space/time to reflect, followed by a talk.

[j.adore]

glamorosa_09, early this month we had an argument. Dun ko nasimulan mapansin yung changes and then the repetitive mention of the girl's name.
Based on FB naman, it shows April. It was before pa na maging magkapitbahay.
Yes, it is emotional attachment na.

I've listed down my thoughts and I'll use it as reference when talking to him so that I don't forget anything. Also listed down mga nasabi na dito. I'm really grateful to you all!!

[Girltalker2]

I dunno parang naubusan ako ng lakas but at the same time I want to have the discussion already like tonight.

Sis, just try to be objective about it. For your discussion, don't think na may affair sila (kasi wala naman). But you admit there is a growing friendship. And you're not comfy with it. gist ng discussion:  taking care of your relationship/marriage. And setting the boundaries (with the opposite sex) is one way to nurture your marriage.

[izabelle]

insensitive din naman yung girl, hindi ba nya naiisip na baka hindi ok sayo ang ginagawa nya? Una sa lahat hindi naman kayo close?

minsan kasi ginagamit nalang na palusot yung "friends lang kami" walang malisya, pero dyan nagsisimula yan.

Honestly, for me, mas mabuti ng magkaintindihan umpisa palang kesa hintayin may mangyari na hindi ok tsaka palang tayo gagawa ng move.

sis j.adore, just to share sayo, may girl best friend ang husband ko., Magkaibigan sila since elementary and they are super mega close as in magkatabi sila natutulog sa bahay ng husband ko dati, ganon sila ka close.

Nung maging BF ko ang husband ko now, i told him na maglagay ng boundaries dahil hindi ako comfortable don sa girl. Ang hilig pa yumakap nyang babae na yan kahit saan, kahit nasa harapan nya ako, ganon sya ka insensitive or perhaps ganon sya kacomfortable?

anyway, hindi naging ganon kadali yun kasi nga super close sila at magkababata, call me salbahe, but i told my husband, if hindi nya iiwasan ang babae na yun, then pwede na sya umalis ng bahay namin. Kasi hindi ako makakapayag na akong legal wife e ako pa mag aadjust sa closeness nila.

sorry sis ha, masyadong harsh kasi ang approach ko sa mga ganyan bagay. But anyway, that was years ago... and we are ok now. haha!

[bagaholic_chewy]

Naku TS, mukhang too close for comfort na si husband and officemate ha. Wala mang malisya sa ngayon, pero tulad ng nabanggit na din ni sis @aquacharly, baka isang dampi lang ng kamay nila sa isa't isa e may mapukaw na feelings. Tama ka, "nip it in the bud". You have a right as a wife to protect what's yours. And your husband must respect that. If he continually insists and defends their closeness, iba na yan.

And medyo off sa akin yung pati pag nasa bahay na e nagchachat pa sila sa FB. Magkasama na nga sila sa office halos buong araw, kulang pa ba yun para makapagkwentuhan sila? And the time he's spending chatting with her, dapat oras ninyo yun. Kayo dapat ang nagkukwentuhan.

And nakakainis yung pati sa errands (pagbili ng mga kelangan sa activities kamo) e magkasama pa sila. You mentioned na managerial level na sila, wala ba sila ibang staff na pwede utusan bumili? And magkaibang team naman na sila, di ba pwedeng sa teammate nya magpasama si girl para mamili? Naku ha, pa-"damsel in distress". At baka feeling "hero" naman si hubby mo.

[j.adore]

Girltalker2, will do.. Can I use your statement? It does make so much sense to say it like that.

izabelle, tama ka. I've been thinking what if nauna yung friend than me so ganyan nga din kailangan talaga boundaries.

bagaholic_chewy, sadly yes.. Instead of chatting with me, dun sa girl. I think it's because they have more time and transpo that's why pag may activities sila yung bumibili ng stuff. Di rin naman "staff" yung mga tao nila and have a lot to do as well.
I'm not a damsel-in-distress type of girl so baka like what I read somewhere here, my husband wants to be a hero? Though I do it naman at home.


I keep playing back ano ba yung mali ko or yung mga ayaw niya sa akin for him to find comfort with someone else. Just the housework lang naiisip ko. He feels he's doing much and I feel I'm doing much but we talked about that a few weeks ago and are both trying harder..

[maiandra]

hi sis, of course I wouldn't befriend the girl din kung pinagseselosan ko, pero just a thought lang naman na if you can't beat them, join them. Pero yes, a sit-down discussion is in order soon. I-prioritize niyo yung marriage nyo over hurting the girl's feelings if di na sila pwede magkasabay umuwi. Lay down your boundaries and what hurts you. Something like, "I feel hurt when you do this...." At least it doesn't sound accusatory.

[joycefler]

just to give another POV, the fact that you know the girl and he's open in making kwento about her, they may have less chances of fooling around. as i see it your husband is a naturally kind, receptive man (based on your kwento) so he's nice to people especially to those who are nice to him din. feeling ko, sa husband mo, there's totally no malice, the fact na kinukwento naman nya sayo about this girl.

but then again, if you're not comfortable, just be open about it.

based on my experience, lalong makwento... paraan yon para hindi ka maghinala. Kunwari open ka. kunware wala naman talaga. Sure enough, nangyari sakin. PERO ang naging style ng bf ko, makwento sya about sa lahat ng babaeng nakakasama sa office pwera lang don sa pinakanagustuhan nya. Sp nagselos ako sa iba... yun pala maling babae pala. Pero meron.

Mukang never pa nagcheat yung husband mo. So, baka hindi nya alam... before he knew it, may feelings na sya... kahit ngayon wala pa. Nip it in the bud. Pagumalya sya na friends lang naman at inisistent... magwala ka na. haha!

Hay nako.

[izabelle]

off din sa akin yung nasa bahay na nag chachat pa sa FB. Ewan ko, hindi ko kasi gawain yung ganyan unless work related or super close friend ko na Girl ha. Never sa guy. Kasi sensitive din ako sa feelings ng asawa ko.

Ayoko din kasi gawin ang bagay na ayokong gagawin sa akin. Parang ganon kasi motto ko sa buhay.

Legal wife ka sis, you have all the right, every right to demand, regardless of what that girl would feel. Sorry harsh talaga ako hahaha! Naiirita kasi ako sa mga babae na sobrang insensitive sa feelings ng legal wife. Di bale sana if friends kayo ni girl e.

[momentum]

If i were in your shoes too sis, since you mentioned husband goes home earlier than you, I would also make a surprise under-time, and be home exactly or even before he arrives. Especially kung di mo pa siya kinakausap about this. In a way, okay rin gawin to kasi you will have more time for each other, diba? Its gonna be like a surprise gesture.. Bring home a cake or something and just say you did it coz you miss him

(Sorry pero di talaga mapapalagay loob ko that that woman is a neighbor. And makes sabay with him frequently. That has got to stop. Claim your right as a wife sis.)

[edna_mode]

hi sis j.adore I usually see your posts sa Engagement threads and i like reading your posts kase they always makes sense

I was in the same situation before with my ex-bf.  We were in college back then, and there's this girl na ka-church mate nya and will be going to the same university as us. So she befriended ex and asked for help with borrowing books and stuff, ex-bf even borrowed my book on her behalf.  It seemed pretty innocent back then.  Until they got too close na. Si girl would be the damsel-in-distress type running to my ex-bf for advice sa relationship nya with her then bf. Even going to him for emotional support and a shoulder to cry on.  To the point na nakakain na yung quality time naming dalawa ni ex-bf because he was trying to help the girl. And ganun din, yung mga kwento ni ex-bf laging namemention si girl.  And then their emails to each other would contain private jokes and mejo uncomfortable innuendos.

I talked to him about those emails and really got mad.  The emails stopped pero their 'growing' friendship didn't.  Hanggang sa the girl is calling ex-bf her best friend.  We were young back then and I had the option to walk away. Which I did.  But looking back, these are the things I learned from that situation:

- I wished I recognized the signs early on; Be wary of women trying to intrude on your "personal/private" space with your partner.

- Recognize yung mga emotional "investments" that your partner is making with their women friends. Admittedly, men are known to have their "protective" instincts kick-in if they see women in distress.... and sometimes, women take advantage of this situation para mapalapit sa guy.

- Sometimes this works for me --> try to be involved with the girl's personal life thru your husband. "O kamusta na si__. How's she doing with work <or kung ano mang issue meron yung girl>" This way kase, ma b-break yung pagka "exclusivity" nung "friendship" nila.

I just really think your husband lang needs some direction from you (whether he realizes it or not)  He's probably overwhelmed with a lot of emotions/life events.. so baka welcome relief sa kanya to find comfortability in the company of his ofcmate.  But sis, your situation is not a lost cause Take charge of the situation lang and make your husband feel that you're still his woman

sharing lang my experience with you sis and hopefully it helps *hugs*