How I rose above/survived/triumphed over infidelity in my marriage

[ayka]

To my dear GirlTalkers,

We have hundreds of topics regarding cheating and infidelity here in GT -- often about women venting out and seeking for advice. I myself am no stranger to infidelity and even vented out here before. It's been almost 2 years since my husband's affair and I must say - our married life has been a hell of a ride. What's truly amazing is that I managed to rise above all of the madness. My husband and I are still together and going really strong-- I believe even stronger than before.

When I first found out about the affair, I was devastated. My husband wanted to leave so many times (not to join the other woman but to go back to his mom). My world crumbled in front of me. During the first year, I kept on begging my husband not to leave and work things out. I secretly snooped on his phone and accounts online. I even found out they (with the same "other" woman) re-kindled their affair a few months after I found out about their first and begged him to stay. My husband stayed -- although we've had several arguments which led him to want to leave every time and tell me that he didn't love me any more. We actually had no life together, even though we lived in the same house. Everything I did was for our welfare and I always prioritised him/put him first--while he was minding his own self and his own needs. So what happened was, we were still "together" and I was waiting for him to love me back - without the certainty that it would happen. It was a risk I was willing to take. A choice that I made - to wait until I get tired and finally give up.

So how did I bounce back and regain my self-worth? I woke up to reality. I started to let go -- not only of him, but let go of control. The last time we had an argument and my husband emphasized that he didn't love me any more, I told him I'm letting him go if that's what he wants. Before this stage, I was already attending counselling and therapy. I've learned that I cannot control my husband's actions and way of thinking and all I can control is myself. I needed to love myself and pump up my self-worth. I needed to let go of control and let things be. And so I did. I surrendered everything to God.

My husband was quite surprised when I agreed with his decision. I told him that he can leave immediately. I got tired of begging. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to actually LIVE. The following day he hugged me tight and told me he wanted to start over. I wasn't that convinced. I was hesitant-- after all the times he told me he didn't love me. Although I still loved him, I wanted to love myself more. I let him stay but let go of control. I focused on building up my self-worth. I learned to drive, I went out, I planned vacations for myself. I did not expect anything from him even If I was still being a "wife" to him (sans the sex). Things fell into place. He started falling in love with me again. I started feeling gestures of love from him. He communicated and opened up to me more. WE ARE BETTER PERSONS AND MORE MATURE this time. Although I'm still mindful and guarded, after everything we've been through. I did what I could do. I left the rest to God.

Recently, he had an accident. He cannot walk as of the moment and is still waiting for surgery. He's stuck at home. I am taking care of him and working at the same time. After surgery, he will still need several months to a year of rehab to be able to walk properly again. Every day he tells me how much he loves me and is sorry for everything that he's done. He's sorry for hurting me and for ruining our marriage. He often cries to me and begs me for forgiveness. That IF ONLY he could turn back time, he would not have cheated and did things differently when we had problems. I would wake up in the middle of the night with him crying and hugging me. He once told me that he realised "God has awaken his lost soul/self". The accident made him realise a lot of things, including "how stupid and how much of a fool he was". It shook him to the core.

How about you, sisters? Married or divorced, how did you survive infidelity?

[momentum]

^very inspiring ka sis.. Thank you for sharing to us what happened. I won't share nalang mine as iba yung case ko.. so I will make abang nalang the other women who will share theirs so I may learn also from them. You are lucky that your husband was willing to work it out and was very remourseful. Minsan nga talaga it takes a really bad episode (in his case, an accident) to wake them up to realise what is important and real in his life.. And that was, your love and loyalty for him. God bless your marriage more.

[ayka]

^You are lucky that your husband was willing to work it out and was very remourseful. Minsan nga talaga it takes a really bad episode (in his case, an accident) to wake them up to realise what is important and real in his life.. And that was, your love and loyalty for him. God bless your marriage more.

^Thanks sis Momentum. Actually for the past year ako talaga yung nagmamakaawa at lumuluhod pa sa kanya just to stay. While I was attending counselling, marami ako na-realise. I had to love myself and let things be. Siguro mas madali rin for me kasi we don't have kids. Kaya the last time he wanted to leave, I let him be. I was already conditioning myself for a life alone - the life of a divorcee. Nasa Bible din kasi that adultery is the ONLY valid basis/reason why God allows divorce, knowing that we are imperfect human beings. However, we are also encouraged to forgive and let marriage last. So I HAD TO CHOOSE. I did not expect a 360-degree turn of events. I prayed so hard for guidance and for things to unfold in their own way. After that, things just happened na para bang pinaglalapit kami ulit. And now, the accident. Alam mo, for 2 months now, he tells me how much he appreciates my efforts. He told me "Alam mo, ikaw, talagang mahal mo ako hanggang sa huli..." and then breaks down and cries. He asks for forgiveness everyday.

Life is such a mystery. God works wonders. I was ready to let go then things changed. Maybe me and my husband are still meant to be together after all. Whatever and however difficult your case maybe, sis, just do whatever you can and let God do the rest.

[RAC]

Saan ka nagcounseling?

[120515]

your story is so inspiring, ayka! may God continue to guide you and your husband.

[imprincessfiona]

^What an inspiring story sis ayka. Nakakatouched at na-moved ako sa story mo. Really, nothing is impossible with God. Pag Sya talaga ang nag-plan, everything will fall into place madalas when you least expect it pa. Nagkaron ako nang realization na mas mahalin at intindihin pa ang asawa ko lalo na pag nagkakatampuhan kami (by the way we just got married this January). I mean wala pa nga sa 1/8 ng experience ko ang na-experience mo kasi yung mga away naman namin are all petty quarrels and maybe nasa period of adjustment pa lamang kami. I pray that God bless you more sis! At sana maka-recover agad ang husband mo. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Girltalker2]

Sis Ayka, very nice story. You're very lucky at nag 360 degree turn ang hubby mo, which only happens in a blue moon. Some would be sorry but hindi naman nag e-effort so ang hirap ma resolve yung lamat sa pag sasama ng mag asawa.

My story had a different ending. Though I went through the same as yours. Therapy, counselling. Novenas. Buti sayo 2 years. Mine was 10 or so long years. Was praying for His guidance. Pero ang dami ng signs ni God pero I still choose to ignore because I want a happy family na complete and that's all I ever wanted. In the end, I just let go. And God just let it happen. For some reason, once you let go, hayaan mo ang Diyos mag guide sayo, you can never go wrong.

I believe that God has plans for me. But I don't know what it is. Hanggang sa narating ko where I am now. And I can say 100x more pa ang saya ko kesa sa inabot ko during those dark years in my marriage. Up until now, I don't have an idea where He is leading me. I just trust and pray, and so far, He never failed me. Yes may challenges pero with my patience, laging may kapalit na blessing. I feel truly blessed.

[quennna]

thanks for sharing your story..
praying for your hubby's speedy recovery
para tuloy tuloy na magangdang relasyon nyon..

sis, ako rin.. muntik nang lumayas hubby ko sa pagiging controlling ko na nasa tamang lugar naman... pero nung nag iimpake sya, di ko sya pinigilan.. tinuro ko pa nga mga damit nya na dapat iempake.. pero sa loob loob ko, dasal ako ng dasal for guidance and for making me strong.. ayun, awa ng Dyos, niligpit na rin nya damit nya sa cabinet namin hehe..

[ayka]

Saan ka nagcounseling?

^Sis RAC, I live abroad.

your story is so inspiring, ayka! may God continue to guide you and your husband.

^I mean wala pa nga sa 1/8 ng experience ko ang na-experience mo kasi yung mga away naman namin are all petty quarrels and maybe nasa period of adjustment pa lamang kami. I pray that God bless you more sis! At sana maka-recover agad ang husband mo. Thank you for sharing your story.

^Thanks, mga sis.

Sis Ayka, very nice story. You're very lucky at nag 360 degree turn ang hubby mo, which only happens in a blue moon. Some would be sorry but hindi naman nag e-effort so ang hirap ma resolve yung lamat sa pag sasama ng mag asawa. 

I believe that God has plans for me. But I don't know what it is. Hanggang sa narating ko where I am now. And I can say 100x more pa ang saya ko kesa sa inabot ko during those dark years in my marriage. Up until now, I don't have an idea where He is leading him. I just trust and pray, and so far, he never failed me. Yes may challenges pero with my patience, laging may kapalit na blessing.

^Thanks, sis Girltalker2. I've read about your posts before, during the time I was depressed as well. Yes, it was an unexpected 360 turn. Alam mo, nakakapagod din kasi yung pag-analyse kung ano bang iniisip niya, kung anong gagawin niya, kung bakit ganito, ganyan. Yung pagsilip sa accounts niya. Monitoring him and all, because I wanted control, ayoko nang maloko ulit. It consumed all my time and energy. It drained and sucked the life out of me. My therapist told me that's not the way to live, which I later realised-- hence I let go. I've done everything out of love for my husband, it's time I did something for myself. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. I was ready to face life alone. Sa totoo lang, BONUS na lang yung pagbalik ng asawa ko sa akin.

God definitely has better plans for you, sis. You're right. LET GO AND LET GOD.

[ajcruz]

Hi sis Ayka, I was moved lalo na sa 3rd part (naka-relate kasi ako parang similar ang realization/life lesson natin) then on the last part naluluha nako sa story mo - a very happy ending

Brief sharing lang (sorry OT not infidelity - surviving depression in marriage)

          When I was in great sadness crying every, praying kay God na Sya ang kumausap kay hubby about my silent feelings na hindi ko kayang iexpress sa kanya. One time I realized I heard from a sermon, I can't change anybodys mind or their character, I can only change myself/how I react to things. I am very frustrated pala kasi I expect too much from my husband, I expected na matutupad lahat ng promises nya before we get married, and when things is not getting into what I am expecting, I started to be depressed. I wanted things to be back on track.
           Instead of focusing sa frustrations ko sa mga gusto kong mangyari, inayos ko ang sarili ko, focus on what makes me happy (my baby, went to the gym, derma treatments, learn makeup, career certifications, will enroll driving soon) - hindi ako nag-counseling pero we're both attending church and Im listening to a local counselling radio station at night.
Through time unti-unti na communicate ko kay hubby I know by God's intervention - in time he learn to understand me - then when our relationship is fine nabuo si bunso and we're happier now, we came from a vacation last month na kami lang for 5 days and he's planning na of the next;)
 
Ganun pala sis noh kapag sinuko mo kay God lahat and you give up na, hayaan natin Sya yung kkilos - He will meet you and your hubby's mind in the midde - so you will be one in body and spirit and that's what marriage is all about thank you for your inspiring story.

[ayka]

One time I realized I heard from a sermon, I can't change anybodys mind or their character, I can only change myself/how I react to things. I am very frustrated pala kasi I expect too much from my husband, I expected na matutupad lahat ng promises nya before we get married, and when things is not getting into what I am expecting, I started to be depressed. I wanted things to be back on track.

^You know sis, naging ganyan din ako before. I expected my husband to do this and that, etc. I ended up disappointed and frustrated every time, which in turn affected the way I treated him. So even if he was giving me loving gestures, I ignored him. Although I'm not saying that's a valid reason for him to be unfatihful.

Kaya now that I've seen him in remorse and wanting to turn our married life around, I'm not expecting too much from him. Makita ko lang the way he looks at me every time he asks for forgiveness and the way he says how much he loves and appreciates me and he doesn't know how he's gonna live his life without me, I feel like I've been redeemed. Hindi lang niya alam, I'm crying with happiness inside.

[PinKisH_23]

Nakaka inspire kayo mga sis. Sana rin maovercome ko itong situation namin ni hubby. Althugh our relationship is much better than the previous years, dumadating sa point na bumabalik sa akin ang sakit.

Ilang beses narin na nagpost ako dito about my problems with him. In fact, kaya ako nag open ng account sa girltalk was because of him.

Ang masakit kasi sa 7 years namin, di ko ini imagine na capable sya of cheating. I had 100% trust in him that he would never cheat. Naghiwalay man kami, it was because of him na super dependent, I got tired of it. But just last year, nung mag 9 years na kami, I learned na di lang pala dependent ang asawa ko, marami rin syang nifi flirt online, flirt sa work, etc. etc. Then I also learned about this 1 girl na super nagpakatanga at pinatulan sya kahit alam na may asawa sya.

Halos weekly nag aaway kami, I demanded na ayusin nya ang buhay nya, he was working abroad back then, was about to go home pero nakakasingit parin sya.

There was even a time that I told him na let's have an open relationship nalang muna then when he's back in the Philippines saka na kami mag usap, ang nakakaloka pumayag sya sa ganung set up, wherein nakapag isip isip ako na either way lugi ako and kung magiging ganun lang, mas ok na maghiwalay na kami so I could start moving on with my life.

The things I did: I prayed and prayed for guidance, went to church, cried sa lahat ng church na mapuntahan ko. Asked God kung dapat ko pa ba ituloy, besides we are childless, kaya walang mawawala sa akin. Pero I realized na naging sobra sobra ang love ko for him that I forgot to love myself. I slowly picked myself up. Nag start ako pumayat kasi I went through depression (several episodes to the point of nearly killing myself). To help with the weight loss, I started exercising, I went out with my highschool, college friends. Kahit dun sa mga previous work mates ko, I went out with them too. I also tried going out on a date, I was thinking, baka sakali mabawasan ang pain kung makaganti ako but it never helped. Nag start ako mag ayos ulit ng sarili ko, shop clothes and make up, shoes, etc. Nalift ko unti unti ang self worth ko. Inisip ko, bakit ba ako habol ng habol sa asawa ko, kung talagang mahal nya ako, he would not even think of doing all those things to me and to our marriage. I gave less time to him, I let him initiate our skype calls, hinayaan ko sya pag aalis sya sa apartment nila. I talked to my fb friends na hindi ko ganun ka close. Ayoko kasi na maging bias ang magiging decision ko. I didn't tell my family, kasi ayokong maging pangit ang tingin nila sa asawa ko.

Umuwi sya ng Philippines and I know he is so sorry for doing all those stupid things. He gave up his wechat/ym/viber/instagram accounts. He would leave his laptop/tab and phone in the sala with me whenever he sleeps. Tapos sa kanya narin nanggagaling na naging g@go sya and that nagbabago na talaga sya dahil gusto nya kaming maayos na dalawa. Guarded parin ako pero dahil mahal ko sya I gave him another chance. Di ko masabing last chance kasi nakakahiya mang aminin naging marami na ang last chance na binigay ko sa kanya. I gave him 1 year since umuwi sya para ayusin ang buhay nya, maging asawa lang sya sa akin, sapat na yun, kahit wala syang work, basta maging maayos kaming dalawa. Ganun ko sya kamahal, pero now, pantay na, mahal ko narin ang sarili ko. Meron pa syang 4 months to prove to me that it's all worth it. I also changed myself. Todo asikaso ako sa kanya, kahit I work 10 hours a day sa gy, ako parin sa lahat ng chores sa bahay, and todo alaga ako sa kanya. I wanted him to realize that I'm giving him my 100% and if wants to cheat, it's solely his fault na.

Till now masakit, that the person you trusted your life with, sya pa yung naunang mag betray sayo. Dumadating parin minsan na sinusumpong ako ng insecurities, inaassure naman nya ako na mahal nya ako and that we're both doing our very best to keep the relationship going. Sana nga magtuloy tuloy na.

[quennna]

oo sis.. wag na wag pababayaan ang sarili...
and we should know how to play our cards well
plus prayers talaga... sa atin pa rin ang alas..

pinkish.. pareho tayo.. childless pa rin kami
pero ako.. no big deal sa akin yun.. pero minsan, nababangit ng husband ko yung pag may disagreement kami plus ang mahal kong pro-hiwalay MIL..
pero still.. hawak ko pa rin ang 'bola'..
pag under stress.. magpabeautify.. remember, we have to look good, to feel good..

minsan binabalik ko sa husband ko saket ng ulo.. sabi nya..
'una ata akong mamamatay sa yo sa tension
sagot ko, teka nga.. ikukuha muna kita ng insurance...' hahaha

[AVIDGOLFER]

Very inspiring love life story indeed at sarap basahin ng kwento nya...LoL

CONGRATULATIONS Sis Ayka.......Very resilient indeed......

[ayka]

Till now masakit, that the person you trusted your life with, sya pa yung naunang mag betray sayo. Dumadating parin minsan na sinusumpong ako ng insecurities, inaassure naman nya ako na mahal nya ako and that we're both doing our very best to keep the relationship going. Sana nga magtuloy tuloy na.

Sis PinKish_23, I believe it would be really impossible for us to forget. Unless siguro kapag tumanda na tayo at nagka-Alzheimer's or dementia. One to 1 1/2 years after the affair, I was full of insecurities. Up to now (2 years since the affair), kapag na-aalala ko yung ginawa ng husband ko, may kurot. Pero dahil nakikita ko sa kanya ang pag-sisisi and pagbabago, nababawasan. And in so many ways, he MAKES ME FEEL THAT LOVE that he says he has for me. Naiibsan ang sakit o kurot, at napapalitan ng pagmamahal. Nawawala ang insecurities. Parang siya pa ang gumagawa ng paraan para makalimot ako (kahit na imposible). And naniniwala ako that he has changed 100%.

If you're starting over in your marriage, I believe an honest and open communication is important. Ask yourself, "Bakit ako nai-insecure hanggang ngayon? Bakit ang sakit pa rin? Can I recover from this alone or do I need my husband to help me cope with this? Kailangan ko ba ng re-assurance? Compliments? Actions?" Then talk to your husband.

Baka kasi medyo fresh pa ata yung sa inyo. Give it time. You'll reach that stage where you've fully recovered.

[aquacharly]

IMO, Triumph over Infidelity can go either way:  you keep your husband, or you kick him out.  It depends on your unique circumstances.
So, IMO,  A Triumph over Infidelity means the betrayed woman emerges stronger with better self-definition.  Nagwagi ka hindi kasi asa yo pa asawa mo, dead or alive; but masasabing  nagwagi  ka kasi hindi mo kelangan ang asawa mo, dead or alive, to have A Beautiful Life.   Puede kasing gusto mo pa andyan sya sa yo, or ayaw mo na sya to be in your life, dead or alive.

HOW I survived Infidelity?
By the grace of God.  So, I did not lose my mind; nor slit my husband's throat while he snored; nor put a contract out on his kab1tch.  By the grace of God.

HOW I triumphed over Infidelity?
I took my brains out of the freezer.
I decided that I no longer wanted to pay the very high price of the pain of betrayal, depression, continuing unhappiness & corrosive self-doubt for the self-definition of Mrs.  Hindi na Legal Wife eh; "Master in Real Suffering" na yung  "Mrs" before Aquacharly Tan. 

Actually, God threw a bathtub at my husband. Divine Boink! 
He realized his Best Life was with me (even if others had better proficiency at certain tricks than I did -- but that's just my opinion, I do have Humility.)
So he dumped the kab1tch 6 months before God gave me Undeniable Proof  of the relationship.  Kasi kelangan may True Confession & Acceptance of WrongDoing before a person can go into True Remorse & Reform di ba. 
So there, he is into continuing True Remorse & Reform, with no remission to-date.  Hopefully, with no remission ever.  God alone knows.

HOW I rose above Infidelity?
Accept sh1t happens, even to The Undeserving.
Accept you are no longer the 2 persons who got married full of good intentions.  You have both changed.
Accept that you both failed.  My failure was prolonged hoping & pagtitiis. His failure was bringing crap into  our lives due to an itch he had to scratch often.
Accept that failures can make us stronger & better individuals, IF we so choose to level up & learn from our mistakes.
Accept that The Past should be left in the past. Do not nag. Do not relive your dark days coz you don't wanna watch a lousy movie repeatedly di ba.
Accept that with The Decision to Forgive, to Re-commit --  you must never again lose yourself because you love.
Never again lose nor diminish your Self-Definition & power of Self-Determination.  The Meek inherits the corner to cry & collapse in; the future belongs to The Bold.

Bottom-line,  God helps those who help themselves. So pray and ask Him for Divine Guidance, clarity of mind & courage. 
With or without that husband --  there is nothing that feels as good as recovering your personal strength & going home to "your Self". 

[ayka]

Bottom-line,  God helps those who help themselves. So pray and ask Him for Divine Guidance, clarity of mind & courage. 
With or without that husband --  there is nothing that feels as good as recovering your personal strength & going home to "your Self". 

^You hit the nail hard in the head there, sis Aquacharly. I believe I've confided to you before as well. You are right. There is nothing quite like breaking free from being emotionally dependent. I learned how to love myself first. I was ready to live a life alone. Bonus na lang ang pagbalik ng asawa ko sa akin.

[The Lioness]

How do you survive this if you have kids?

[reighnyielle]

This is a very inspiring story sis.  When you truly let go talaga that's when things slowly start to fall into place 

[hedonista]

Hi sis @Ayka Thank you for sharing your story.
I've been on and off GT due to marriage and infidelity issues.
Can I say I have rose above, triumphed and survived. yes yes and yes.
One day I got tired trying to be in control and trying to meet my own expectations.
We have a son and for years I fight for the marriage because of my son, I thought that is the right reason. Then I realized, I don't want my son to grow up and blame himself that mama suffered because she wanted a family for her child.
I got so tired that one time when he wanted to leave the house completely, I just lay immobile and said, Okay. 
The next day he went back... the rest is history or not yet. The rest is what we have now.
Though, I never had therapist, or never gone through counseling which one of GTalkers here suggested and even willing to sponsor a trip to a counselor maybe 8 years ago, I just read GT and learn and cope and deal with my circumstance. I prayed.
I made time for myself. And so, ang pagbabago and ang pagbangon ko. Happy, yes. But still can be happier.