Mom's unfair treatment of my inlaws

[gudgurlgonewrong]

Hi mga sis! I hope you can help me deal with the situation i have at home. I'm married for 2 years na, with a 3month old son and we live with my 69-year-old mom. My inlaws naman are a relatively younger set, mom and dad are around 50-ish yr olds, SILs are in their early 20s. So may generation gap, kasi Mama ko is the prim and proper kind, while my inlaws are more laidback. The problem is whenever the inlaws visit, nagiging antisocial si Mama sa kanila. She does not join us during meals, and she hardly talks to them. Yesterday the SILs came for an unplanned visit, so since nasa work ako I called up my mom for a heads up. Sobra lang akong na-offend kasi she really had a negative reaction. Sabi niya, "bwiset mga yan!" According to my sister whom she is closer to, naiinis daw siya kasi they talk loud, yadayada. Sobrang biased yun kasi I have cousins who also come over to the house na same lang ang kaingayan but she never complains. I understand na she might not feel comfortable having them around, pero sana show some decency na lang in return of all the favors that Hubby did to our family. Sabi ko nga sa kapatid ko, hindi ako nanunumbat pero sana ipa-feel na lang niya kay Hubby na welcome din ang family niya sa amin. Sobrang nakaka-stress on my part kasi i am at the receiving end of mom's bitchtalk sa inlaws and syempre hindi ko masabi yun kay hubby kasi alam kong masasaktan siya.
My mom has this strong personality, kaya hindi ko alam how to change her mind sa inlaws ko. Or at least become a little nicer to them. Nakaka-offend kasi yung ginagawa niyang pangde-deadma sa kanila.
What should I do?

___
hi sis! thanks for the response. for some reasons hindi ako makareply sa post mo kaya dito na lang.

we live in my mom's family's ancestral house. kaming 4 lang dun. ako, hubby, baby and her. we have a househelp who comes in during the day. si hubby hindi pa naman nagvo-voice out ng sentiments niya about this situation. siguro kasi preoccupied siya with catching up with his family everytime they come over kaya hindi niya gaanong napapansin yung ugali na ganon ni mama. nun palang the SILs were there, hindi talaga siya nagluto nor prepared the guest room. so pagdating ko from work and after breastfeeding si baby, saka lang ako nakapagprepare ng food and yung room. and then the following day, umalis siya ng maaga to go to church (sadly hindi niya naa-apply natututunan niya sa mass) and only came back when she thought paalis na sila. this weekend uuwi buong family ni hubby to visit and because its my bday celebration. as usual si mama nag-set na naman ng lakad niya on that day. ipapa-groom daw niya pet dog. which she can do ng ibang araw naman. ano na lang sasabihin ng inlaws di ba? nilalayasan sila ni mama. hay.

[bagaholic_chewy]

Are you living in your Mom's house? Or sya nakikitira sa bahay nyo ni hubby? You can talk to her calmly about the situation, how you want her to be civil to the in-laws, etc. But if it is her house, unfortunately, you really cannot do much kung ayaw nya makinig sa request mo. Her house, her rules kumbaga. If it is your house and sya nakikitira, perhaps you may have more convincing/bargaining powers over her.

Hindi ba napapansin ni hubby mo ang treatment ng Mom mo sa family nya? Me nako-comment ba sya or something? If you're living with her, is moving out an option?

[mimiku]

I feel you. My mom's the same sa mga kamaganak ng papa ko. Sobrang minsan nakakabastos na siya at nakakairita. Wala naman na akong magagawa kasi talagang hindi ko kaya ang personality ng nanay ko. Yunh reason lang niya lagi ang tama. Minsan naisip ko ako yata ang nakakarma sa sama ng ugali ng mama ko. Natatakot ako na baka itrato din ako ng iba or future in laws ko kung sakali kaso anong magagawa ko eh nanay ko siya. Kaya I kept all my feelings inside.

[Girltalker2]

TS, it's your mom's house. Malamang she is just not used to having people she doesn't know visit unannounced.

I would say respect lang din sa feelings ng mom mo kasi house nya iyan.

When you say your in laws visit, do they stay overnight pa? Medyo hassle minsan, sa pov ng mom mo, sya may ari ng house pero sya feeling OP kasi angkan ng asawa mo, you and hubby ang nagdominate ng house nya. Not sure ha, but if I'm your mom, I won't be happy rin. It is my space. Hindi yun bahay ng anak nila.

Feeling ng mom mo siguro taken advantaged pa sya since people just come and go, Tapos you expect her not only to be nice but also to 'serve' or ipagluto kamag anak ng hubby mo?

When you advise your mom na darating sila, do you just tell her for her information or ask her permission kung puede dumalaw etc? After all, it is her house so need her permission if may visitors hubby mo.

[aquacharly]

My personal take on your mom's behavior is that she may be envious of your in-laws.  Do you talk or act as if they mean more to you than she does to you? Think that over very well. 
She feels threatened by them, & becomes aggressive to hide her insecurity.  I just think so, coz she is not anti-social to anybody else. 

Don't bother convincing your mom to be sociable to them --  she is 69 and seems to be righteous (pala misa, but can be outright mean).  It is better she is absent than present and shows bad manners or a sour face.

Next time your in laws visit, do not expect any help on preps from your mom. You are living with her -- best you keep the peace.  No expectations = happiness. 

Happy Birthday!

[gudgurlgonewrong]

thank you sisses for all your responses.

since this is over a month old na, the bday celeb has passed without any participation from her. as in from the time we woke up, hubby and i dashed to the market na to buy fresh food and prepared everything. pati nung when the inlaws arrived, she did not get up from her seat! tinalikuran pa niya sila and the MIL was the one who said hi. ang nangyari during lunch the inlaws ate outside, may kubo kasi doon while my family did not move from their seats sa dining area. 

last weekend our 4 month old was confined because of amoebiasis. si mama during that time visited my siblings in another city and meant to stay there for the weekend. sobrang nakakalungkot lang kasi even before the hospitalization my sister made a dinner reservation for sunday without informing me. whereas ang sabi niya sa akin before that by sunday pauwi na si mama para there would be someone who will look after our son aside from the househelp on monday when hubby and i would be at work. and then when we informed them on saturday that we were at the hospital, dedma lang. a little concern, pero no offer of help. they were even more concerned of who will feed the dog kaya they asked us na pauwiin ng maaga the following day si ate para she could prepare the dog's breakfast.

and then just this morning i asked her if we can switch days sa paggamit ng vehicle na hihiramin sa tito ko. my proposal was we will use the car ng saturday because our son has his follow up checkup sa pedia and then by sunday, sila naman gagamit kasi ihahatid nya sa siblings ko yung dog. bakit wala daw bang sunday clinic yung pedia? to think na si hubby ang pagda-drive-in nila to get the car and bring it back to my tito's place. effort yun kasi its a 2 hour drive up north.

sobrang nakakalungkot lang, kasi i expected naman as a family na they would be there nung kailangan namin sila. i made a lot of sacrifices for them when i was still single, yung tipong 2 days before ng 15 and 30 nagtetext na si mama asking for money. i delayed taking my masters so the two siblings can finish college. syempre i cant help naman na sana this time around i can count on them too.

eto yung greatest struggle ko ngayon. yung somehow matutunan kong alisin lahat ng expectations from them, pero ang hirap eh. family ko pa din sila. bakit hindi pwedeng masaya lang lahat?

[tischarmedlife]

Medyo maldita ako na sis-in-law and sometimes, I behave like your mom sa asawa ng brother ko.  My reason is that, masyado sya'ng komportable sa bahay namin and masyadong pa-diva. Your mom surely has her reasons why she's like that. I suggest, you open up to her. Wala naman mawawala kung pag-uusapan nyo yan diba.

My mom has favourites among us. Baka least fave ka lang nya. Chos! Pinapatawa lang kita sis.  Pero on a serious note,  kung hindi ma-address ang issue with communication, it would be better TS kung bubukod na lang kayo ng husband mo. Less conflict pag hindi kayo masyado nagkikita.

[gudgurlgonewrong]

well its obvious now that i am the least favoured. hay. we cant leave her eh, kasi wala siyang makakasama sa house. she's old kaya one of us siblings need to accompany her. sad lang kasi she has this habit to be so critical against in laws. may record na siya na nang-aaway ng inlaws, esp wives of my titos. its a family house kasi, kaya there were times noon that some of my titos families would live with us. somehow she managed to drive them away. as in pinapalayas niya talaga. she doesnt even own the house, pero since deceased na both my grandparents and siya natira doon, parang siya na yung de facto na owner. hindi lang siya makapalag sa mga sisters in law niya na mayayaman, yung nauutangan niya.

oh well, maybe someday things will get better. i would have less expectations from them. thank you sisses for hearing me out.

[seamans.girl]

I can totally relate here. My mom doesn't want talking or even smiling at my in-laws! Haha! Kahit sa in-laws ng mga kapatid ko. She'd rather stay inside her room and sleep than eat with 'other' people.

Pero kapag mga kamag-anak and long time friends niya ang nasa bahay, super hospitable siya.

Hindi kasi siya talaga nakikipag-mingle lalo na sa mga hindi niya kadugo or talagang kakilala.

Nasanay na kami sa kanya, minsan may inis factor pa din, pero hindi naman natin pwede pilitin ang mothers natin kung ayaw nila. What we do, as much as possible, kung magkikita ng in-laws, sa labas na lang, or sa kanila, hindi sa bahay namin.

Iwas-pusoy ba. :-) Doin

[gudgurlgonewrong]

how did your inlaws take it, sis? dumating ba sa point noon na nagtanong na din sila sa iyo kung bakit ganun mom mo?

[momentum]

After reading your story sis, I can only think of 2 solutions. One is, bumukod na kayo, have another sibling live with her nalang, preferably single para di niya rin gawin sa inlaws ng sibling na yon. Kasi if you have the means naman para bumukod, then why not? Habang tumatanda ang isang tao, mas umiiba ugali, so don't expect sis that she will
change for your inlaws, sabi mo nga she has a record na about dealing with inlaws. This is the best thing you could do, kung ayaw mong masira ng tuluyan yung relationship ninyo. Ikaw talaga mag-aadjust sa kanya, dahil nakikitira ka lang sis, so don't expect her to be full on asikaso sa inlaws mo. Looks like she is the type na ayaw ma-hassle sa mga bagay/tao that she doesn't like.

Another solution about your inlaws, sa labas nalang kayo magbonding, huwag na sa bahay ng mama mo. Or better yet, kayo nalang ng hubby mo bumisita sa inlaws nyo, lalo na kung madami sila, iyan ang mas ok.. Baka naman sis makalat sila? Or may ngyari before in one of their visits na nadala na mama mo? Like may nasira sila, maingay talaga masyado etc. Ganyan talaga sis kapag hindi kadugo, they will not feel obliged to do stuff for them nor to be hospitable if she is that type of a person.. Sadly, wala ka talaga magagawa sa aspect na yan. Just control nalang the things you can control.. At hindi kasama duon mama mo.

Hope magawan mo ng paraan na yan bago pa umabot sa point na magtatanong na inlaws mo sayo or sa hubby mo bakit ganun mama mo (or baka nga natanong na nila sa hubby mo, hindi lang sinabi sayo)