Got questions regarding men? Post it here! (Thread 7)

[dismembered]

Yes people CAN change. Pero if you grow 'together', somehow you accept each other's evolution and both of you are still one, despite the number of kids or years you've been together.

hindi yung after magka anak, bahala ka sa buhay mo at ako rin. Ni walang affection. Sooner or later, sure fire iyan na you will outgrow each other. Then what happens next? Tiisan nalang ba til death stop your suffering?

Something is fundamentally wrong in a relationship na walang affection. Kaya couples need to work on it, otherwise, I don't see why you need to maintain the relationship. Sayang lang effort mo sa kakaisip at sama ng loob. isipin mo life as it is is complicated enough, maghanap ka pa ng relationship na ganyan? Parang naghanap ka lang ng bato na ipukpok mo sa ulo mo.

I agree we really need to work hard para i-maintain ang relationship. Pero I believe, maintaining a relationship would mean working for it for life. Kaya balik tayo sa point what if si partner gone cold... How long? If asawa mo sya, I think worth a shot, or I would say "Dapat Lang", na maghintay para maayos ang lahat. Maaring lifetime maghintay, or maaaring years lang.. pero ang point, asawa kasi yun.. Happy man o hindi kalabasan, part pa rin yun ng "for better or for worse" na promises. May mga phase talagang low ang affection sa relationship. It's not laging parang fairy tale romance... I agree with you na couples should grow together.. How? I don't know... Pero difficult situations may be the way... Kaya I think she should stay.. Regardless what happens, yung commitment nyo ang mas mahalaga. Feelings are changing..pero yung fact na asawa mo at partner mo sya for life, I think hard fact yun. If hindi siguro asawa, iba ang usapan and I would say if hindi mo gusto ang ganyan at hindi mo kayang matagalan, then tapusin na ang relationship na yan at alisin na ang hope na magbabago ang lahat someday pag naging asawa na... But once married, I think you just have to close your eyes and work for the better na lang...

For me you only have one life to live. Live it more meaningfully. Relationships are there to give Color (sana naman masasayang kulay). Huwag naman tiisan at patagalan at matira matibay. That really sounds like hell

I get your point. Nobody wants to live like hell. But some people also live for their belief that this life is anything but temporary. So they really stood for what they believe in kahit medyo sufferings ang dulot sa life nila currently. Ang sad lang for me ngayon kasi... masyado ng nagiging mababaw definition ng marriage. Parang kanin na lang na isusubo at kapag mainit, iluluwa.

[Girltalker2]

But once married, I think you just have to close your eyes and work for the better na lang...

Ito sana huwag naman. It is not that I'm taking marriage lightly. But I believe in every single person's dignity. If you are in an abusive relationship, I don't think closing your eyes and just accepting it is the solution.

Kasi ang marriage, dalawa kayo dapat mag cooperate, Kung ikaw lang ang nag t-try, sayang lang pagod mo because it can never work. Unfair naman Kung ikaw willing mo ayusin, Pero Yung asawa mo ayaw. So paano?

Yung for better or worse na iyan, kung nangaliwa asawa mo, sya una Hindi sumunod sa patakaran na iyan, so why should you abide? Kung baga, once Isa sa mag asawa ang nag pabaya sa relationship, there is no marriage to speak of. Sa papel lang yung kasal at wala na syang saysay.

 But some people also live for their belief that this life is anything but temporary. So they really stood for what they believe in kahit medyo sufferings ang dulot sa life nila currently. Ang sad lang for me ngayon kasi... masyado ng nagiging mababaw definition ng marriage. Parang kanin na lang na isusubo at kapag mainit, iluluwa.

On the other end of the spectrum naman, di rin ako nag a-agree sa culture natin na ok lang magtiis. Kung nagkamali ka ng pagpili, nagsisi ka na, nagsuffer, why hindi puede magbago kung alam mong nagkamali ka? Somehow people should be given second chances.

Lalo pa if abusive ang asawa mo. Asan na ang iyong dignity? Kung may ibang lalaki ang Wife mo, ok lang magtiis? Kung may ibang babae hubby mo, dapat for better or worse?

The fact na nangaliwa yung Isa - sya ang unang lumuwa ng kanin, not the party na gusto mag end ang marriage. Sa case ng isang sis natin dito, Yung Husband nya nauna magpabaya sa relationship - sya una sumuko, sya ang unang lumuwa nung Kanin. Di ko naman sinasabi hiwalay agad. They have to work it out. Kaso if I'm the sister or mom ng wife, encourage ko sila mag Counselling at ayusin. If di parin, after Wife tried everything, mas mabuti pa maghiwalay nalang kesa pahirapan lang nila ang isa't Isa.

[dismembered]

Ito sana huwag naman. It is not that I'm taking marriage lightly. But I believe in every single person's dignity. If you are in an abusive relationship, I don't think closing your eyes and just accepting it is the solution.

Kasi ang marriage, dalawa kayo dapat mag cooperate, Kung ikaw lang ang nag t-try, sayang lang pagod mo because it can never work. Unfair naman Kung ikaw willing mo ayusin, Pero Yung asawa mo ayaw. So paano?

Yung for better or worse na iyan, kung nangaliwa asawa mo, sya una Hindi sumunod sa patakaran na iyan, so why should you abide? Kung baga, once Isa sa mag asawa ang nag pabaya sa relationship, there is no marriage to speak of. Sa papel lang yung kasal at wala na syang saysay.

 

For this to work... 1st we need to define what is abusive and what is not. Mahirap lang kasi nowadays, people tend to justify their actions kaya kahit hindi naman talaga "abusive" in some terms, pero ginagawang abusive. If nanlamig si mister, I don't think that is abusive. Again, it may be just a phase. If within a year nag give up si wife, then wala talagang mangyayari sa pagsasama. Kaya katulad ng sinasabi mo, that kind of relationship ay kailangan i-workout... as much as possible, for life. Asawa na kasi eh.. Sa pagkakaintindi ko, love covers all things. May pagkukulang si mister, dapat punan iyon ni wife and vice versa. Hindi yung parang dapat laging equal? Dapat si mister ganito ang effort para si misis eh ganito din ang effort. Hindi naman kasi ganun nagwowork yun. Hindi na boyfriend/girlfriend ang status at kung ano meron kayong dalawa, yun na yun eh. 2 becomes 1 so sa ayaw at sa gusto nyo magkakampi kayo dapat... unless iba ang definition nyo ng "marriage".

On the other end of the spectrum naman, di rin ako nag a-agree sa culture natin na ok lang magtiis. Kung nagkamali ka ng pagpili, nagsisi ka na, nagsuffer, why hindi puede magbago kung alam mong nagkamali ka? Somehow people should be given second chances.

Lalo pa if abusive ang asawa mo. Asan na ang iyong dignity? Kung may ibang lalaki ang Wife mo, ok lang magtiis? Kung may ibang babae hubby mo, dapat for better or worse?

The fact na nangaliwa yung Isa - sya ang unang lumuwa ng kanin, not the party na gusto mag end ang marriage. Sa case ng isang sis natin dito, Yung Husband nya nauna magpabaya sa relationship - sya una sumuko, sya ang unang lumuwa nung Kanin. Di ko naman sinasabi hiwalay agad. They have to work it out. Kaso if I'm the sister or mom ng wife, encourage ko sila mag Counselling at ayusin. If di parin, after Wife tried everything, mas mabuti pa maghiwalay nalang kesa pahirapan lang nila ang isa't Isa.

Ibang usapan ang pangangaliwa. I don't want to bring this up...Pero in principle according to the bible, adultery ang isa sa reason na ground for divorce. Pero not necessarily yun lang ang option. You could still work it out. Pero if makulit daw at persistent, pwedeng grounds yun... So ibang usapan ang adultery. And for trivial fact. Sa bible ,divorce does not entitle you to remarry unlike sa "trends" ngayon. So again, mahirap mag asawa kaya kailangan talaga ng madaming considerations and should not be taken lightly.

Nobody likes to suffer... pero pati kasingayon yung word na "suffer" masyado ng taken lightly. To the point na pati irreconcilable differences nagiging ground for divorce. Konting problema ayawan na agad kasi sufferings ang problema.

[Girltalker2]

If nanlamig si mister, I don't think that is abusive.

Superficially it is not abusive. But continued negligence kahit nag usap na kayo would make the Wife wonder.  If one year Na walang intimacy kasi ayaw ng hubby, it is either he is gay or may problema. coz basic need ng guy/ mag asawa ang sex.

Again, it may be just a phase. If within a year nag give up si wife, then wala talagang mangyayari sa pagsasama. Kaya katulad ng sinasabi mo, that kind of relationship ay kailangan i-workout... as much as possible, for life. Asawa na kasi eh.. Sa pagkakaintindi ko, love covers all things.

Siguro dito tayo mag agree to disagree.  For life puede nyo i-work out of BOTH Husband and Wife are trying to make it work. Pero Kung ang Isa ay Hindi sincere at walang effort, Hindi fair sa nag aayos ng pagsasama nila.

Nap-picture ko kasi yung scenario na lasenggo or sugarol or nambubogbog or nambababae or tamad na Husband Tapos Yung Wife Nagt trabaho, naglilinis at nagluluto, nag aalaga pa Ng mga Anak. Yes the Wife Ang gagawa ng pagkukulang Ng Husband. Wala naman syang choice. Pero Para I-tolerate iyon, para sakin ay Hindi Na tama especially after several Pag uusap, Counselling etc.

Nobody likes to suffer... pero pati kasingayon yung word na "suffer" masyado ng taken lightly. To the point na pati irreconcilable differences nagiging ground for divorce. Konting problema ayawan na agad kasi sufferings ang problema.

Yes it is very relative. Managing relationships are also very subjective. There is no one clear solution that can address every relationship. Iba iba. Somehow it should be possible to be in a good marriage and living a happy and more meaningful life.

[dismembered]

Superficially it is not abusive. But continued negligence kahit nag usap na kayo would make the Wife wonder.  If one year Na walang intimacy kasi ayaw ng hubby, it is either he is gay or may problema. coz basic need ng guy/ mag asawa ang sex.

One year... Yung iba it even took 2 years or more.. But then, asawa pa din. Inasawa, then I think dapat panindigan at tulungan. Parang naiisip ko, na dapat as much as possible, hindi hiwalayan ang solution. Kasi once you get used to it, yun na lang din laging bagsak. Example, BF/GF pa lang, pag laging break bati at break bati ang scenario nyo, hindi ba parang nakakasanayan na? Parang laging nasa options yung break? I think same din sa magasawa if they will not be matured enough para tumayo sa choices nila, like getting married, eh ganyan din lagi bagsak... Not to generalize, pero madalas yung mga taong nag reresort sa divorce for the wrong reason, eh parang laging divorce din kinababagsakan lagi kahit sa iba pa.

Siguro dito tayo mag agree to disagree.  For life puede nyo i-work out of BOTH Husband and Wife are trying to make it work. Pero Kung ang Isa ay Hindi sincere at walang effort, Hindi fair sa nag aayos ng pagsasama nila.

Siguro nga different tayo ng view. Ulitin ko lang ang point ko, marriage is not about always being "fair" and "square". I think it's more of "pagpupuno ng mga pagkukulang" at pagtutulungan.

Nap-picture ko kasi yung scenario na lasenggo or sugarol or nambubogbog or nambababae or tamad na Husband Tapos Yung Wife Nagt trabaho, naglilinis at nagluluto, nag aalaga pa Ng mga Anak. Yes the Wife Ang gagawa ng pagkukulang Ng Husband. Wala naman syang choice. Pero Para I-tolerate iyon, para sakin ay Hindi Na tama especially after several Pag uusap, Counselling etc.

Unang una, before marriage we had a choice. Bakit pipili ng lasenggo? bakit pipili ng sugarol? bakit pipili ng nambubugbog? We all had our chance para alamin ang mga bagay na ito during courtship/dating stages. Sa ibang tao, despite all of the negatives, nag proceed pa din sa marriage. So kaninong choice ito? Hindi ba dapat panindigan ito? at gawan ng paraan tutal tayo din pumili nito?

Ipagpalagay natin, hindi natin alam or expected na naging lasenggo, sugarol or etc si lalake. Pero asawa pa rin yun. Kailangan tulungan mo or tiisin? Not to be rude, pero gawin nating analogy na si Lalake ay hindi rin expected na mag gain ng weight at maging maramdamin si babae habang nagkakaedad. Sapat rin ba itong rason para hiwalayan si babae? Or may options na tanggapin na lang kung ganun talaga or baka maaari din naman sabay sila mag workout at mag healthy living? Ang tanong... hanggang kelan kakayanin ng patience? 1 year? 2 year? O lifetime? I'll go with the former... kasi hiwalayan is not an option (except for adultery of course!).

Yes it is very relative. Managing relationships are also very subjective. There is no one clear solution that can address every relationship. Iba iba. Somehow it should be possible to be in a good marriage and living a happy and more meaningful life.

Yes! agree ako sayo. Even happiness is a relative term. May mababaw, may malalim etc... siguro in denial lang ako at ayaw ko ng hiwalayan as much as possible.

To sum everything up... parang ganito yata talaga ang need natin:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[Girltalker2]

What I'm saying is napaka unstable ng feelings ng tao. You really can't decide things like this based on feelings. Nababago ang feelings. May araw na down, may araw na oks naman.

Dagdag ko lang

Have you ever heard of the phrase - maprinsipyo na tao? These are people who don't allow feelings to rule over them.

Instead, each life changing decision is made from a very well thought out thinking process. Parang may days na puede Hindi ka masaya, pero it doesn't give you the right to be nasty to everyone kasi you still Want to be a pleasant person.

Anyway point ko lang, if feelings ng isang tao hindi stable, and he/she acts on it without regard on others, yung biglang nagagalit, nanlalamig, nagtatampo, I think that person should not be in a relationship in the first place, or even get married. 

[dismembered]

^ Yeah. I ofent attribute that stability sa "Maturity" ng tao. I believe, the more mature, the more able to handle difficult situations with composure.

But then, tao lang. Minsan talaga nagkakamali.. regardless of what we do, sh*t happens. I've met people na super hinahangaan ko pagdating sa prinsipyo at sa composure. Pero may mga time talaga na down na down sila at nagpapanic. Madaming factors... Hormones? Environment? State of mind? Pressure? madami.  Pero it's all part of a big picture. Process siguro para mas maging better next time? But yes. One shall learn these things bago pumasok sa relationship... pero sa mga andun na, di rin naman right na mag-quit? Baka On the Job training agad sila!

[batangpasaway]

my hubby earns well na ngayun . when I say well, as in 6 digits pero based sya abroad. nung andito sya at minimum wage sya  talagang sagot nya dates at pag may special occations nakakakuha ako ng gifts sa kanya pero pansin ko mas galante ako sa kanya sa pagregalo. nung nagbirthday ako, I was expecting to get a more valuable gift man lang since malake lake na kita nya. tapos nakatanggap lang ako ng stuff toy na siguro worth 600 lang. parang ansaket kase nagexpect ako. i know di naman yung value kundi yung thought yung mahalaga pero imagining na parang walang effort sa gift. tsaka kung magbigay sya sa parents nya more than 30k a month. di sa kinekwestyon ko yung binibigay nya sa parents nya pero diko maiwasan macompare kase special day ko yun sabay ganun lang. never ako humingi sa kanya ng kahit ano mapapera or gadgets. may work naman ako e. mali ba nararamdaman ko? kung kayo lalake and you are earning that much ganyan din ba igigift nyo sa girlfriend nyo? or do you consider this as a sweet act? we are in a relationship for more than 5 years na pala at ito pa cheapest birthday gift nya. sana man lang may kasamang flowers or cake...

[Girltalker2]

^ Sabi mo 5 years na kayo, ano usual gift nya sayo before?

Mahilig ka ba sa stuffed toys? Bakit nya naisip iyon? Sakin ang gift giving ay wala sa halaga, kundi lumalabas kung gaano ka nya pinapahalagahan at makita mo lang Na Mas alam nya what you need or want without you telling him.

Kasi di ba Minsan they will ask what you want. Ako sagot wala. Then suddenly he comes up with something and super happy ako kasi it is something I can use or I needed but didn't pay attention.

So sa issue na ito - ang tanong ko is kilala ka ba nya? Bakit naman ang pathetic ng gift nya sayo unless akala nya gustong gusto mo iyan. Tapos kilala mo ba sya na palpak mag gifts? Hindi madiskarte or romantic?

[batangpasaway]

sis. when I was still studying. natatawa ko kase binigyan nya kong cash at cake. sinoli ko sa kanya yung cash kase sabe ko gusto ko may effort man lang or pag-isipan nya naman. ayun. binilan nya ko ng stuff ng favorite kong animal. as in effort yun kase iba ibang items na basta may panda. super tuwa ako nun. tapos usual gifts nya treat sa buffet, cake at bag/dress/shoes. as in sakto sa mga gusto ko or yung mga binabalik balikan ko sa mall tapos diko kinukuha kase nanghihinayang ako bilin. magaling sya magisip.sa ganyan kaya i know that he could come up with a better plan/gift. kaya lage ako nasusurprise. tapos kung kelan sya nagkaroon tsaka nagdowngrade. nasabe kong di pinag-isipan kase wala akong ni isang stuffed toy sa room at alam nyang allergic ako sa stuffed toys kaya nakakadisappoint. kilala nya naman ako kaya diko alam bakit ganun naisip nya... nasanay akong nasusurprise pero ngayun surprise nga ako kase yun nga parang may mabigay lang ang dating saken...

[mindiegirl]

I also observed that wala sa laki o liit ng income kung magregalo mga guys. May mga guys talaga na galante eh, even basic lang ang salary. I know someone naman na laki din ng salary pero simple lang mag gift.  If ganyan na sya prior to the increase in salary, well hindi mo dapat ipagtampo. BUT if biglang nag change, i mean you would know kasi 5 years na kayo, yun yung nakakatampo nga.

I think they are also basing the gift sa hilig or personality ng gf nila. And most of the time, men appreciate knowing what we, women want. Hirap na hirap kasi sila magisip ng ibibigay sa babae. Haha. Well at least that's what I encountered.

[j.adore]

But has he been buying you things regularly? Or you buy using his income? Yung on a normal basis na wants mo.

Baka isip niya yun na yun hehe.

[batangpasaway]

^baka nga sis hindi basis ang income sa gift nila. pero naghahanap kase ko nung may personal touch man lang. or kahit may cake at flowers man lang kase pag birthday ko di nawawala ang cake. I never let him buy personal things for me din lalo na kung wala namang occation. di ko rin ginagamet income ni hubby para sa mga luho ko. at di ako humihingi sa kanya ng pera. may sarili naman ako. kaya for me chance yun para naman makita ko value ko sa kanya lalo na sa earnings nya ngayun. random kase sya magregalo pero sakto sa needs ko yung mga yun kaya nakakatuwa. like nung graduation ko, he knows na kelangan ko ng cam pangpicture so he gave me a camera as a graduation gift. may time naman na nahilig ako mangolekta ng dress kaya yun ang gift nya. pero usually bag ang regalo nya saken, mahilig din kase ko sa bags.. yung namili naman sya ng mga panda items mura lang yun pero sobrang naappreciate ko yung effort nyang magkalkal ng stationeries, notepad, pens, mug at pencil na panda... may time naman na one time big time gift nya kase may dalawang bag at tatlong belt at ganun yung kelangan ko. kaya nanibago ko sa stuffed toy kase parang wlang value. binigyan nya nako ng stuffed toy once nung bago palang kame at alam nyang binalot ko yun sa plastic kase aalikabukin lang at diko nilagay sa kwarto ko. basta madalas kelangan/gusto ko yung natatanggap ko from him kaya nalungkot ako dito. pero baka nga nahirapan syang ifigure out yung gusto ko ngayon since magkalayo kame... pero diko tlg naappreciate etong ngayun parang may mali or baka nga masyado kong nagset ng high expectation kaya ganito pakiramdan ko. pero thank you sisses...

[Girltalker2]

 @ batangpasaway, ofw ba hubby mo? Kasi sa pagkaka describe mo - 'nung andito sya min wage sweldo nya'

Asking lang din kasi Baka di kayo lagi magkasama therefore Baka May ibang issues you're not aware of

[batangpasaway]

^yes sis ofw sya at first birthday ko na wala sya. nung andito sya mas galante pa sya magregalo kesa ngayun. yup minimum wage sya dito tapos pag-alis nya times 15 ng kita nya dito yung kita nya dun kaya diko maiwasang magexpect talaga. kase parang yun yung way nalang para mapafeel nya saken yung worth ko sa kanya kase di din naman sya expressive sa feelings nya saken. I'm also considering if may other issues pa kase he can go on na for 3 days without facetime/skype.... dati araw araw yun tapos pag di kame magkausap nagsosorry sya saken ngayun parang wala lang sa kanya...nakakaiyak sis. naawa ako bigla sa sarili ko. tapos nakikita kong gala dito gala dun sya at shopping dito shopping duon. bili ng bagong gadget. may mali talaga. ..

[Girltalker2]

^ sis, you answered your question din.

Something is off, so rather than magtampo ka with the stuffed toy gift, find a way to reach out to him without him being defensive. Malapit na ang Christmas, baka uwi sya or you can visit him. Then pag usapan nyo what's the issue.

[batangpasaway]

sis natatakot din akong magdig sa kung anung issue. gusto ko nalang ideny kung anung meron. parang go with the flow muna ko. I can't visit him pa e. tsaka sya naman next year ng mga october pa uuwi. tignan ko nalang mga next move nya para saken. pero lage nya ko kinakausap na dun nako magwork din samahan ko na daw sya. kaso diko pa kaya malayo sa family ko e... related kaya sa issue yung pangungulit nya saken na puntahan ko na sya. iniisip ko kase kung may iba sya dun edi dapat mas gusto nya na wala ako. possible din na may nagugustuhan sya don kaya gusto nyang pumunta ko para makaiwas sya... wala naman akong makita sa fb nyang kaduda duda... nag-ooverthink nako...

[pretty_B]

hi guys! do you prefer to celebrate monthsaries? 

[mindiegirl]

batangpasaway: Sis hubby mo na pala? i misread yata kala ko bf. If that's the case, there's something wrong nga. Saka you would feel it naman din diba sis, which you did feel. If married na kayo, imo, you should be with him as much as possible. Coz that would make things easier and harmonious between the two of you. That's the design of marriage naman di ba, to be together. But if its not really possible, don't be afraid to discuss it to him. You have to stand and fight for your relationship. And to fight, even as simple as taking a step of asking him is counted. Be strong sis, you can do it!

pretty_b: Si bf ko hindi sya macelebrate ng monthsary. Yan una nya tinanong sakin after we became official. Me din naman, hindi eh, i prefer the anniv  to which he's very glad to know.

[pretty_B]

pretty_b: Si bf ko hindi sya macelebrate ng monthsary. Yan una nya tinanong sakin after we became official. Me din naman, hindi eh, i prefer the anniv  to which he's very glad to know.

hi sis! honestly, sa ex ko...i really really want na nagcecelebrate ng monthsaries. napaka-idealistic ko pa nun kasi first bf ko sya. now na hindi na kami, sabi ko...ayaw ko na maging ganun sa susunod na bf ko. and now sa current bf ko...kahit yung day na naging kami, hindi ko na tinandaan (though mejo may idea ako sa date, not so sure lang talaga). that was last month lang nung naging kami. so, ang mindset ko...hindi na ako magcecelebrate ng monthsaries, kahit anniv. or basta masabi lang na matagal na kami. basta no tracking of days, months or whatsoever.

but then, i am touched kasi kagabi nung nagusap kami...tinatanong nya kung kelan daw ba monthsary namin. waaa. i thought di sya ganung klase ng lalaki. hindi kasi namin matandaan parehas. pero sabi nya, gusto daw sana nya na nagcecelebrate kami. kakatouched lang. or baka bolero ang bf ko talaga! bwahaha.